Fraser's Line (21 page)

‘Don’t think I’m proud of myself,’ continued Joanna in a low voice. ‘I hate myself, for what I’ve done, for the way I’ve hurt people, for my own failure to make anything of myself, and for what I did to mother. I … I wasn’t very nice to her, and now it’s too late.’

‘I know what you did,’ said Fraser, wearily. ‘I found out everything. I know what she did, and what you did.’

‘You know?’ It was Joanna’s turn to be amazed. ‘You know, but you haven’t said. You even bought me that car!’

‘I didn’t know then, but I do now. You see, Joanna, I know what it feels like when your partner deceives you. Sarah will have to be told, and she will have to suffer, as I have done.’

‘Oh Dad!’ Joanna looked shocked. She put out her hand to him. ‘I didn’t know you’ve been going through all that. I’ve been so taken up with my own grievances I’ve given little thought to you. I wish I’d been more help to you. I wish I hadn’t taken what I’d no right to take. Michael and I found incredible solace with each other, and now that has to go.’ She began to cry.

‘Yes,’ said Fraser, ‘it must – and it wasn’t really what you thought – it was only an illusion of solace. In the long run it was only going to lead to misery and heartbreak for everyone. And on top of that we must all endure the worry about our dear young George.’

‘I don’t think I can face him,’ said Joanna. ‘I can’t bear to look, and think that he’s like that because of me. I don’t want to see him.’

‘You must,’ said Fraser. ‘You must go and see him, and say hello to him as if he can hear you. And then you make him silent promises – commitments you are one hundred per cent sure you mean, and you will keep.’

Joanna nodded. She appeared to be gathering up her courage, and then she got up and walked towards the outer door to the unit.

Ten minutes later she returned. This time she looked a little calmer.

‘I did what you said, and I sat by him, and I made my promises. Oh, the poor little chap – he looks so fragile. Oh, Dad – do you think …?’

‘We must keep on hoping. I’ll go and sit with him now.’

‘Is this what you’re going to do all day – sit by him for a time, and then come here?’

‘That’s the plan. They suggested ten minutes at a time. I may go out for a bit of a walk, or perhaps have a cup of coffee, but mostly I’ll just sit with him, and quietly talk about trains. I believe, in the end, he’ll answer.’

Joanna bent down and kissed her father.

‘You’re such a good man. You don’t deserve all the rubbish that’s been heaped on you.’

‘Oh yes I do,’ he replied. ‘I’ve learned quite a lot about myself recently, and I’m not proud of it.’

‘I’ll come again soon,’ she said, ‘some time when neither Sarah nor Michael will be here. I promise – and … thanks, Dad.’

Fraser watched her go, and was left with more uncomfortable thoughts to dwell on. Was there to be no end to the shocks he would be subjected to?

Soon Michael arrived. He, too, looked as if he was suffering unbearably. He sank down in a chair, and asked, ‘How is he?’

‘Still the same,’ replied Fraser.

‘Oh God!’ He put his head in his hands. Then he got up, and without saying anything further went to look at his son.

When he came back Michael looked worse than ever.

‘I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe George is lying there in a coma. I’ve seen him with my own eyes, but I can’t seem to grasp it.’

‘It’s pretty tough to get your head round,’ agreed Fraser. ‘Only yesterday we were all laughing together, the twins and I. Now everything’s different.’

‘I feel so bad that you had to take care of them for the day. It wasn’t right to put that on you, and it wasn’t right that neither Sarah nor I could do it. I wish I had made myself free. The trouble was that I had committed myself to that date some time previously, and it was hard to get out of it.’

‘I know, Michael, I know,’ said Fraser.

‘Yes, of course you do. You were in business. You know how important it is not to let a client down. You soon lose customers if you don’t keep your word.’

‘I know about it, Michael.’

‘Still, I should have tried. I blame myself dreadfully for not trying. I should have been firm and said that I couldn’t make it that day.’

‘Michael, I know – about you and Joanna.’

Michael had been pale before, but now he turned deathly white.

‘You do? How? I mean …’

‘Joanna’s been here. She told me.’

‘She told you!’

‘Yes. She’s busy hating herself for it as well.’

‘I swear to you, Fraser – whatever happens to George – I swear to you that it’s finished. I’ll never, ever go to her again. I don’t know what I was thinking of … I must have been mad. Whatever must you think of me?’

‘I understand that Sarah’s way of dealing with all her responsibilities is to put a lot of pressure on her family. I know that excuses nothing, but I think she is now aware that perhaps she had lost sight of her priorities. So now it’s down to you both – I hope you can find a way of going forward together.’

‘What do you mean? I’ve said it’s over with Joanna – of course I’ll throw all my energies into helping Sarah now.’

‘First,’ said Fraser, ‘you must tell her.’

It was obvious from Michael’s reaction that this had not been on his agenda. He looked shocked, and spluttered, ‘No! I couldn’t possibly. No, Fraser, I’m sorry – it’s just not on.’

‘Michael,’ replied Fraser firmly, ‘if you and Sarah are going to try and pick up the pieces together, then it has to be without guilty secrets. How can you be genuinely close if there is an unspoken deceit between you? You will always be on your guard, in case you let something slip. It has to be a clean slate.’

Michael was silent for a time. Then he said, ‘I think it would be a lot better if she didn’t know. God knows she has enough to bear at the moment. I really don’t think I can add to her burdens. It wouldn’t be fair.’

‘Have you been fair up to now? Who are you trying to protect – Sarah, or yourself? You must tell her. Of course it will be hard. And of course she’ll hate hearing it. But believe me, there’s no other way if you really mean to put the past behind you.’

Michael sat there, shaking his head, battling with his feelings. Then, without saying another word, he stood up and walked out.

When he had left Fraser went back to sit with George. He was becoming a familiar figure in the unit now, and the staff smiled at him, encouragingly. For his part he began to understand what went on there each moment of the day and his admiration for those who undertook this critical care nursing grew by the hour. The Staff Nurse in charge was a friendly Asian woman, called Nina Choudhary, who would often come over and have a word with him. Fraser would ask if there was anything more she could tell him, but she would just smile, and say, ‘He’s still here, Mr Coleman. There’s hope as long as he’s still here.’

That afternoon Sarah came. Fraser was fairly sure Michael hadn’t said anything yet. She was still extremely agitated, but a little calmer – at least she had been able to drive herself down this time. Fraser felt sorry for her – not only for the acute worry she was experiencing – but for what she had still to learn.

His texts to Angela were emotional – he poured out as best he could in such a short message his acute anxiety. There was always a response, in time, and her words brought him some comfort. The most recent said that the trial was almost over, there would be the verdict the next day, and she expected to come back soon. He looked forward to that.

Another day passed, and the only news it brought was from Angela. She reported that the youths had been found guilty – one was sentenced to life imprisonment and the other to twenty years. It was obviously a relief to have a conclusion to the matter. She would try and get a flight back as soon as possible.

On the third day Joanna arrived early, once more. She greeted Fraser and then went straight to George. Then she came back and he realised there was something different about her.

‘I’ve made a decision,’ she said. ‘I’ve just been to tell George.’ She smiled. ‘I think he was pleased.’

‘What decision?’ Fraser waited, aware that this was an important moment for her.

‘At last I know what I want to do with my life. This dreadful business with George – somehow it’s made all the loose pieces fall into place. I want to be involved in medical things – I’d like to be a doctor. I’m going to look into how to look into it straight away – as soon as I get back.’

‘A doctor?’ Fraser was incredulous. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Absolutely positive – I couldn’t be surer of anything. It may be that I have the necessary A Levels already, and if I have perhaps I can apply for a place this Autumn.’

‘It’s a long, hard training,’ said Fraser. ‘Do you think … ?’

‘You mean will I stick at it? I know my record isn’t great – but that’s because I never found what I really wanted to do. Now I know, and I’m going for it, and I promise I’ll see it through. I’ve promised George I will.’

Fraser began to see her in a different light. He realised he’d been too ready to write her off as the one that didn’t achieve, who had no purposeful aim. Now she was presenting herself almost in an authoritarian way, and he liked what he saw.

‘I’ll support you in any way I can. I think it’s a brilliant idea – and do you know what? I think I can see you as a doctor.’

Joanna smiled. ‘George thinks it’s a good idea too,’ she said. ‘I’m off to do some research.’

Fraser was becoming a familiar figure at the hospital. The receptionists always had a cheery greeting for him, and Sister Nina was now a friend. At the hotel Mrs Stanbury never failed to ask solicitously if there was any news, and did everything she could for his comfort. She could always produce a meal for him, no matter what the time was, and nothing was too much trouble. A surprise visitor at the hospital had been the grey-haired lady who had looked after Kate at that fateful time. She had said she hoped he wouldn’t think it an intrusion, but she did just want to ask how the little boy was. Then there had been the off-duty lady ambulance driver who had helped at the time of the accident. She had also been to enquire. As for the young man who had been driving the car that had hit George, it was hard to keep count of the number of times he had popped in. Fraser was deeply moved by the kindness he met on all sides, coming, as it did from people who had, until so recently, been total strangers.

Two more visitors arrived later that day – Sarah accompanied by Kate. Fraser looked hard at Sarah to try and detect any signs that she knew, but her expression was tightly controlled, giving nothing away. She held Kate’s hand and together they came to find Fraser in the waiting room.

Fraser greeted them both and told them there was no further news. Kate looked up at him, her eyes very wide, and her face pale. With a slightly trembling lip she said, ‘Grandpa, do you think George will be better soon?’

Fraser struggled to retain his composure. He sat down and drew the little girl towards him.

‘We’ll all go on hoping. That’s what we’ve got to do. We’ll keep sending him our love, and we’ll believe he’ll soon be back with us.’

Kate obviously wanted to say more. Sarah remained quiet and waited while Kate thought for a bit. Then she spoke and her face crumpled, the tears beginning to roll down her cheeks. ‘I wish I hadn’t always bossed him about so much. Mummy says I am rather bossy with him. I saw he’d lost his kite, and I saw him begin to run after it, and I shouted to him to stop. I called out and told him to stop! And now I wish I hadn’t!’ She began to sob, and her small body was racked as she gave way to the emotions which overwhelmed her. Fraser held her closer and tried to comfort her.

‘You were trying to help! You were trying to stop him because you knew it was wrong for him to run away! You mustn’t blame yourself like this!’

‘But …’ Kate waited for a break between sobs ‘I didn’t know … I didn’t understand … Mummy’s told me, if you tell a man not to do something they do it all the more. I didn’t know that. If I hadn’t told George to stop, perhaps he wouldn’t have kept running off! And anyway, I should have run after him. I’m sure I could have caught up with him if I’d run my very fastest.’

Fraser marvelled at the tortuous thinking a six year old could manage. ‘Look Kate, we could all blame ourselves, one way or another, but that doesn’t help George. I’m sure Mummy isn’t blaming you, is she?’

Kate shook her head. ‘No, she isn’t. She says if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s hers.’

‘Very bad things do happen sometimes, and this time it’s happened to our family. We must just all try and help each other. I’m sure you’re being a big help to Mummy now.’

Sarah spoke at last. Her voice was very quiet, but firm. ‘My little girl is the best little girl a mother could have! She helps me all the time. And I’m very grateful to her because she told me something I didn’t know.’ Sarah paused for a moment. ‘She told me that when George wanted to go to the park after school, and I wouldn’t let him because there wasn’t time, Kate said George cried himself to sleep that night. I hadn’t realised he had minded so much about it. I thought he had accepted that as family we can’t always fit in some of the things we might like to do. But if I’d stopped to think about it, I should have realised that sometimes it’s more important to make people happy than it is to stick to my own timetable.’