Frayed (4 page)

“Good to know that you’ve come to your senses. I’m pleased. The private clinic is going to be in San Diego. I can’t risk you running in to someone, so it has to be three hours away from home. I will text you once it’s all confirmed.” He didn’t even wait for me to disagree or agree
, he simply just hung up on me.

What a fucking mean
, cold-hearted bastard! All I wanted was a little kindness from him, but I didn’t even get that. I mattered so little to him. That knowledge made me feel like the naïve idiot that I really was. What happened to all of his declarations of love? Did it all go downhill the minute I told him I was carrying his seed as well?

After a few hours, Harry texted me the information
as he had promised.

Appointment is for eleven in the morning. Don’t eat anything past midnight. A car will pick
you up at seven-thirty tomorrow. Be ready by then.

Harry worked everything fast.
If I hadn’t been sure before, it was definitely crystal clear now that he certainly didn’t want this kid with me.

For the entire afternoon, I stuck to the same spot. When nightfall came, I hadn’t made a move. The entire apartment was
dark, I didn’t care for any light. Turning them on would only show the kind of rotten being that I was. Because I was rotten, filthy, despicable, deplorable, but most of all, I was completely abominable—a sinner with the large, scarlet letter. Yes, I didn’t deserve the light, hence the darkened surroundings.

I sat in the dark, immobilized as I gripped my stomach with both arms. It was to be a sacrifice—for love—a sacrifice atop my
own. For I knew, once this was all done, my soul was to be given up as well. It was an even exchange for the heinous crime that was to be done.

Without sound, I stood up and went to the
unlit bathroom. I needed a hot bath. Once the water was halfway filled, I slowly took off my clothes. Naked, I slid inside the warm water carefully. Here, in this solemn place, I prayed for my unborn baby.

My palms stroked my bare stomach. My throat caught as I tried to speak. “I barely just found out about you…
and a couple of hours after learning of your existence, I had to make drastic decisions. I’m so sorry, but your father needs you to sleep… forever. Forgive me.” I cried harder as the realization crushed me again. “I’ll sleep in the dark with you, my love… I’ll stay by your side. You’ll always have me there… with you.”

Sleep eluded me that night. I ended up curling up in my bed
, staring at the clock, until it was time for me to get ready. I wasn’t wholly baffled with Harry’s attitude. One thing that truly mattered to him was his inheritance. He was the first
-
born son, and he stood to get more compared to his brother Harold, who hated his brother with a passion The feeling was mutual, brotherly love was non-existent between the two. I’d met Harold a few times and, let me just say, that the man was quite vocal about what he really felt about his brother. I never quite got why those two didn’t really get along, though.

Thinking about all the consequences that could
unfold made me sick with dread, but what really gutted me was the unavoidable truth. I would be the one to face all of them, to be castigated and surely carry my family’s scorn and loathing, if the affair ever got out. My pregnancy would definitely cause another string of explosions along the way. It would be like walking through a field of landmines. One explosion would lead to another, a never
-
ending chain of devastation. The damage would be severe… and I would have to wear the scars. Forever.

Even if the
scars that I carried were only emotional, I would certainly be shrouded almost completely by them. It would surely tear me apart. Frayed, that’s how this is going to leave me.

As
promised, a hired, black-tinted Audi showed up promptly at seven-forty five in the morning. The driver greeted me, but I barely gave him a ghost of a smile.

I was dressed
rather odd compared to my normal summer clothes.  I needed something warm and comfy, so I chose loose sweatpants even though it’s nearly June. I had a soft sweater and the largest sunglasses I could find on, too. I wanted to crawl and hide somewhere dark and cold, locking myself in until this could all just blow over.

I was
simply scared, shitless.

A small part of me hoped that Harry was waiting for me inside the car
, but that hope was immediately squashed as I peered into the depths of the car. I was going to have to do this all on my own. True, I could’ve had Lindsey with me, to be there and hold my hand, but I wasn’t ready for anyone to know.

For the past few days, I endlessly thought of everything—the outcome and all the ugly scenarios my imagination could come up with. Although I
knew
I was without a doubt pregnant, I still hadn’t wrapped my mind around it completely. Everything seemed surreal for me. From Harry’s intensely crass treatment, to his brash indifference, to this journey to the abortion clinic—it all felt like a bad nightmare—and a major part of me wished I was going to wake up soon.

F
airytales were made for people with rose-tinted glasses, though.  Indeed, I never considered myself to be one of those. Granted, I may have deluded myself into believing I could be that kind of person when I realized I was completely and irreversibly in love with Harry. That surely didn’t last long, however. I knew sooner or later, we would have to end. What I didn’t expect was how short of a time we had because I simply wasn’t ready to let him go. Even after how he treated me, I still loved that twit of a man.

I hadn’t realized that
we had arrived until the driver killed the engine and got out of the car to open the door for me. The private clinic screamed exclusive and expensive from their heavily tinted windows, to the fast approaching, well-dressed, aged man striding towards me in a charcoal suit. This place must’ve cost Harry a good penny. I guess fucking Harry was really going to play the scared little boy, running away with his balls between his legs.

The man introduced himself and held out his hand. I absently shook it, but didn’t return his cheerful greeting. I just nodded and sent off a bitchy attitude. Hell,
there was nothing to be happy about. I’m already mourning the loss of my unborn baby, and I suppose I was always going to, there was no need for me to pretend that it was all okay
,
too
.

The nameless man, since I was too
uninterested to listen to his yapping and didn’t catch his name, ushered me inside the tinted building. After a quick elevator ride, and a couple of doors, I was introduced to a female nurse. The sympathetic Latina woman, didn’t have to say anything, I knew she understood and was empathetic about my situation from the slight touches she gave me. It was somewhere in between…
Be strong, no one is judging you…
and
you’re not alone, I’m here if you need to talk about your fears…
Of course, I never uttered a word, but it was comforting to know all the same.

The nurse handed me papers to read through
and sign. Afterwards, she instructed me to pee in one of those plastic cups and bring it back to her. I reluctantly did as she requested, handing her the half-pint size container with my fluids when I was done.

“Thank you,
Trista. I will be sending this to the lab. I will be back quickly. Feel free to make yourself comfortable. We will get to your blood work once I get back.” She gave me an easy smile before she left me alone in the room.

After ten minutes or so, she was back. She then prepped me to get four vials of blood out of my weak arm. I hated needles, but I didn’t even wince when the big thick needle pricked me. I was
beyond the point of numbness. If someone would
ha
’
ve slapped me right now, I wouldn’t even have felt it.

“All done,
Hon’. I will be back after we get the results. It shouldn’t be long now and then we can get started.” The nurse gave me another warm smile before she exited the room.

The room was like any other gynecologist
’s exam room except it was painted in a nude tone with a mural on one wall of the San Diego coast. Soft sounds of Debussy filtered through the room. I knew that every single time I heard his music from now on, I would associate it with this memory. I would never enjoy his masterpieces like I used to. 

I dug out my phone when I heard it vibrate.

Emma, it said.

Lately, s
he’d been calling constantly, and I knew I would have to pick up soon before she started calling Lindsey to check on me.

Out of the four of us, Emma was the lucky one. Why? Because she was
not
n’t
a fuck up like the rest of us. Lindsey was rattled by her parents’ death at a young age, and from time to time, she would channel her frustration and sadness into lashing out at men—men like Brody or Cooper, usually. Amber had the most screwed up childhood, though. Her parents completely ignored her. I clearly remembered Amber’s rebellion strategy, thinking that it would get her attention and the love that she craved so much, but it simply didn’t work. Nothing did, it seemed, when it came to Mr. and Mrs. Harrison’s only child; they remained blissfully unattached.

Emma was the easiest to talk to, compared to Lindsey and Amber. Emma had that kind of personality where it’s easy to unload all of your skeletons
because you knew she wouldn’t breathe a word about it, and wouldn’t dream of judging you over it, either. All good girls have an Achilles heel though, and hers was Carter Mason. Hopefully that stupid, lovey-dovey haze she was in was lifted off now that she knew what kind of man he was to her and she was starting to move on with Bass. Girlfriend deserved better than hotshot, cheating-ass Carter.

When my phone vibrated again, I wasn’t a bit surprised that it was Emma again. I finally relented and took the call. “Hey,
Doll. What’s up?” I greeted her in a flat, cheerless tone. My voice mirrored what I felt, and what I was going through; I didn’t have the energy to hide it.

“What’s wrong? You sound horrible. You okay?” Emma was obviously worried, nothing new there
, though hearing her familiar voice gave me strength.

“Not really. I’m just going through some difficult stuff. I know you’re going to ask what
, but I’m not ready to talk about it.” My voice wobbled and the last few words came out in a whisper.

“Oh no, let me go call
Linds. She’ll be there quick—” Emma sounded like she was trying to help, but seeing Lindsey was definitely not one of the brightest ideas.

I panicked at her suggestion
and cut her off before she got any more ideas. “No, please don’t do that. I love that woman to death, but I want to be alone. I will catch up with you guys once we get there in a few weeks okay? I’m sorry I’m being rude, Em. It’s just tough right now.”

She gave a helpless sigh. “Fine, I respect that. Make sure you get on that plane, okay? This island will heal you of whatever demons you’re going through. Trust me on this. Just get on that damn plane then we can weed through one problem at a
time when you get here,
comprende?
” I smiled when she said
comprende
. It was a Lindsey thing, and hearing Emma say it made me miss her even more.

I doubt there was a place on earth that could heal me,
yet I didn’t tell Emma that. Worrying her was the last thing I needed to do. “Even if I want to miss the flight, I don’t think Lindsey will allow me. Three weeks will be here before we know it and I will be there, enjoying the Grecian sun with you.” The picture I painted out did sound quite inviting, and being around my friends would surely lift my spirits up, whatever was left of them.

“Damn straight girly! I look forward to seeing both of my
Dollfaces,” Emma said with excitement, but she immediately paused. “Uh, I have something else to tell you… Carter’s been emailing me on a daily basis. I haven’t replied to any of it, but he stills sends them. These emails are mostly about how his day went and what not… do you think I should respond to any of them?”

The hellish fucker, when would he ever stop with Emma? “Listen up,
Em… You’re not obligated to reply to those emails. Ignore them and pretend they’re not there. You will not open any of those emails and read them. You do get that this will fuck things up with Bass, right? I know you mentioned that you two aren’t official—that you’re in the ‘getting to know each other’ phase—but you should know better! Unless you’re not into Bass, that is. Then go right ahead and read them.” It’s only been a few months since Carter and Emma broke up. It’s clearly normal for her to still have a wee bit of affection towards her ex, but come on! Bass Cole was hot and heavy for her. I didn’t want my friend to mess that up. Bass was the solid deal. Anyone with eyes would know that he was serious with Emma. That’s just a simple fact.

“Seriously, I’m stupidly crazy about Bass. We’ve been inseparable. You’re
right; I will go on and ignore them. I’ve got to go. We have a bonfire going with some of the crew out on the beach. See you very soon, Babe. I love you and I’m only a phone call away.” Emma spoke with utmost sincerity
.
,
I
i
t
simply
made me tear up.