But there was no time to wonder whether she was doing the right thing.
Five minutes later, she walked from the bathroom. The only makeup she’d used was the barest smudge of purplish shadow on her eyelids, a hint of blusher on her cheekbones, and a pink-tinted gloss on her lips. She’d been too overwhelmed by all the different products, too scared of overdoing it, to attempt more. The result was a wholesome girly-girl look. If that wasn’t the right “look” for her then too bad.
Back in her bedroom, she dragged on the new jeans and a deep-plum-colored scoop-necked tee she’d bought with Caro’s approval. She added silver hoop earrings, a silver-tooled cuff bracelet and matching necklace.
The only concession she made to her former self were her old black sneakers. They were comfortable and familiar, and she needed a heavy fix of familiar right now.
Would her altered appearance even register with Tyler? Would he realize she’d done it for him, and appreciate this mask she had applied, these clothes she’d purchased specifically for this occasion? Did the way she looked really matter
that
much?
So many questions she couldn’t answer.
She heard a rap on the door. She knew who her visitors were even before Caro called, “Hey, it’s us. Open up!”
Jay’s stomach twisted and she covered her mouth with shaking fingers. It was too late to hide.
“What took you so long?” Caro asked, her gaze glued to her precious new phone. “Gahhh! How the heck do you turn the predictive text off on this thing?” She stabbed a few more random buttons.
“Jay.” Tyler certainly sounded as though her appearance had affected him. “You look—”
She tried not to react to the stunned expression on his face. She sucked in a deep breath and held it, letting it out ever so slowly when the O of his mouth stretched into a smile.
“Got it.” Caro finally glanced up from her phone. “Hey, you look amazing!” she said, finishing just as Tyler gave his final verdict.
“Nice.”
An awkward silence descended. She shifted from one foot to the other, illogically discomfited at being the center of attention. Vulnerable, despite having applied a physical mask to hide behind.
Tyler stared at her. Hot-cold shivers scuttled up and down her spine, goosing her skin. She’d just made a huge mistake. If this was the reaction from him, what would all the other kids think? What would they do when they saw her like this? What would they say?
She must have looked like she was about to bolt because Tyler grabbed her arm. “Sorry ’bout the dorky compliment. I wasn’t expecting you to— You just caught me by surprise, is all.” He bent to kiss her cheek. “You look wonderful.”
Jay’s breath caught in her throat and all she managed was a breathy, “Thanks.”
“Can we come in?” He didn’t wait for a response. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her inside. She couldn’t even be annoyed with him because her legs had turned to Jell-O and without some physical prompting, she might have just zoned out and stayed put, basking in the warmth of his admiration.
The apartment was now almost empty. The bookcases were gone, as was all the furniture except for a stereo system, and the two trestle tables Jay had pushed up against one wall, groaning with an assortment of sodas and snack food. She’d scattered numerous large cushions and beanbags around the outskirts of the room. For decorations, she had crisscrossed the ceiling with strings of colored lights.
She pulled herself together, flicked a switch and the room lit up, flashing like some psychedelic fairyland. “What d’you think?”
“Outstanding!” Caro gave her a hug and Jay had to hold herself still, tensing her muscles against the need to cling and seek comfort. “It’s gonna be some party. What can we do?”
“iPod’s on the bench,” Jay told her. “Why don’t you check out the playlist and test the speakers?”
“Sweet!” With a flick of her skirt, Caro sauntered off.
Jay was as alone with Tyler as she’d ever be this evening, given fifty or so kids would be showing up in half an hour. She bit her lip, feeling awkward. But from somewhere, from some emotional reservoir she’d never before needed to tap into, she found the courage to show Tyler how she felt.
She captured his face with gentle fingers. Gentle or not, she gave him no choice but to tip his face downward to meet hers. She pressed her lips to his, and her eyelids drifted shut as she savored him.
His hands clamped her upper arms, hesitated, and then tensed to push her away. She was far stronger than he. It was her choice that she broke the kiss and stepped away, not his. And her heart felt like it had shattered into a trillion tiny pieces and would never be whole again.
“What in the freaking hell d’you think you’re doing?” he hissed, hyper-conscious of his sister in the background, hunched over the iPod and oblivious. For now.
His screwed up face and startled eyes were almost comical. Almost. “Kissing you,” Jay said.
“You’re leaving tomorrow.”
“Yes. I am. I have to.”
“Then why? Why kiss me?”
“Because I wanted to.”
“Oh? And what about what I want?”
She cocked her head to one side and frowned, trying to read him. “What
do
you want, Tyler?”
“What do I want?” His laughter boiled up from between teeth so tightly clenched his jaw must surely be aching. The anguish in his voice hurt her like a physical blow never could. And that anguish told her exactly what he wanted.
He wanted her to stay.
He wanted her to be human.
But he settled for the only truth he felt he could safely confess. “I want the impossible,” he said.
He backed off even further, distancing himself, protecting himself. A beautiful human emotion Jay believed she might finally understand enough to return in kind, flashed briefly in his eyes before he gave her blankness. His jaw worked, and for one heart-stopping moment she believed he might ask her to stay.
For one heart-stopping moment she believed she
would
stay, that she would find a way. For him. But then he turned on his heel and stalked over to Caro.
Jay blew out the breath she’d been holding very slowly. She stood there, alone, in the middle of the vast space. She watched him talking to his sister, sharing some joke, arguing over song choices, acting like nothing had happened.
Right. If that’s the way it’s got to be, then that’s the way it’s got to be.
She wandered over to the table get herself a soda—not because she was thirsty, but because she needed something to do. She wondered how she was going to make it through the evening. And wished she’d never agreed to this farce.
~~~
Em and the rest of her team were first to arrive, providing Tyler with a welcome diversion from his solitary brooding. Em made a beeline for him, plunking her butt down on the nearest beanbag. She glanced round the room. “Whoa!” She had to yell to make herself heard over the music. “Some place, huh?”
Tyler nodded. “Yeah. Get you something to drink?”
“Cola, please.”
He returned with two colas and a bowl of pretzels. Em seemed quite happy to chat with him rather than join her teammates, who were skidding about the place in their socks, playing some weird form of human dodgems and yahooing every time someone got floored.
He allowed herself to be charmed by Em’s attentiveness. Beat the hell out of wallowing in misery and pretending not to watch Jay.
This was not how he’d imagined spending his last few hours with her. He glanced over at the girl in question and spotted her deep in conversation with Rach, the team’s relief pitcher. Rach was, as usual, emphasizing everything she said with her hands. Just as Sara moved to join them, Rach flung out an arm and managed to knock the soda right out of Sara’s hands.
Tyler winced in sympathy. And tried not to react when Jay’s hand shot out and caught the soda before it could hit the floor.
But instead of Rach’s usual hangdog expression when she made a dork of herself, she had a huge grin plastered all over her face. She looked totally buzzed, more excited than Tyler could ever remember seeing her.
“What’s up with Rach?” he asked Em. “She looks like she’s just won the lottery.”
Em’s gaze swiveled just in time to watch Rach pull Jay into a hug. And Jay hesitate just a moment too long before returning the gesture.
“Jay’s been giving her some pitching pointers,” Em said. “Girl’s style is now total weirdness but somehow it works. You’ll see. She’ll surprise the hell out of you next practice.”
“That so?” He wondered how Em felt about her relief pitcher’s dramatic improvement. But Em was Em. Doubtless she’d be pleased—both for the team’s sake and Rach’s. Em loved the game but she didn’t much like the stress of being the team’s main girl, too often their only chance of scoring a win.
Had Jay squared it with her first, though? Asked how she felt? And had Jay decided to help Rach solely because she felt sorry for the girl? Her motivations were interesting. Fascinating, even. But he couldn’t afford to be fascinated by her any more.
“Hey, Tyler, can I ask you something personal?”
He gave his undivided attention to Em. It was safer.
She
was safer. “Sure.”
“I thought you and Jay were, you know, an item.”
He choked on his mouthful of soda and she thumped him on the back. “We’re, uh, just friends,” he managed. “Why?”
“Oh. No reason.” She drained her soda and rolled from the beanbag onto her feet. “Another drink? This one’s on me.”
He shook his head. “Nah, I’m sweet.”
Jay sauntered past on her way to greet some more kids and Tyler had to force his gaze to halt mid-swivel. He was not gonna pine after her like some lovesick puppy. No freaking way.
When Em returned, she stuck her soda on the floor, grabbed his hands and yanked him to his feet. When she overcompensated for his weight and almost overbalanced, he steadied her with his hands on her waist. Her warmth seeped into his skin—so very different from Jay’s coolness.
“I love this song! Dance with me?” Her gaze was fixed on his face, her own expression just a little anxious as she waited for his response.
He blinked. And looked around. No one else was dancing.
She gave him a sheepish smile. “Someone’s gotta be first.”
“Uh, okay. Sure.” He didn’t mind dancing. What he did mind was being stared at. What he minded even more was the slit-eyed gaze and what appeared to be an actual snarl on Jay’s face when she spotted him with Em.
She was leaving tomorrow, fergodsake! She had no claim on him. Not anymore.
He turned his back on her and threw Em the most brilliant smile he could summon. She smiled back in a dazed kinda way. And his battered heart ached with guilt. He was using Em. He knew it, but he did it anyway.
More kids arrived. Someone cranked up the stereo volume to eardrum splitting level. Caro and Matt, and a bunch of other kids joined him and Em.
Tyler relaxed. He even gave himself permission to have fun with Em. She had to know he wasn’t interested in her that way. He’d never given her any reason to believe otherwise. They were just friends. Having fun. Isn’t that what friends did?
Someone elbowed Em aside—a girl with bleach-blonde hair, glossy pink lips and violet-tinted shades. She lunged and shoved Caro backward. Hard—so hard, Caro lost her balance and fell on her butt.
“Hey, watch it!” she yelled, glaring up at the offender, who took off her shades and sneered down at her.
Vanessa.
Great. Just freaking great. Another drama—so not what Tyler needed. And things were gonna get pretty damned dramatic real soon if the pissed-to-the-max glint in Nessa’s big blue eyes was anything to go by. “What the hell are you doing here, Vanessa?” he said. “Get out of here!”
He reached for her, but Em held him back. “Not your fight,” she said. “Let Matt and Caro deal with it.”
He shook off her hand but did as she suggested. For now.
Matt “dealt with it” by grabbing Caro beneath her armpits and hauling her to her feet. She promptly launched herself at Vanessa, reaching for her long, bouncy ponytail and yanking hard.
Vanessa’s eyes widened with shock. She screeched like a banshee, both hands going to her hair as she tried to escape Caro’s grip.
Tyler grinned. Way to go, sis.
Matt peeled Caro’s hands away from Vanessa’s hair and pulled her backward into his arms, hugging her tightly to prevent her from escaping. “You okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine. Let me at her!” Caro struggled in his arms.
Vanessa lunged for her again, but this time, Jay intervened by stepping in front of her.
Tyler bit back a sympathetic “Yeow!” as Nessa smacked into what must have felt like a solid brick wall. And when Jay grasped her shoulders and shook her until her head snapped back on her neck, he wondered whether he should step in.