Authors: Julian Lawrence Brooks
‘Interesting.’ I hadn’t expected Janis would echo my concerns quite so strongly.
We walked on in silence for a moment.
‘Tell me what you know about him already. What has he told you?’
‘Well, let me see….only that he grew up in Wales, in a mining village. His brother and father were killed in pit accidents.’
I noticed Janis’s raised eyebrow, and felt disconcerted, but I didn’t let this stop me continuing.
‘His mother moved up here with Dylan. Your mother and his were friends. He liked it here….spent all his teens here….was friends with your brother, Eric….then fell in love with your sister, Seraphina….They married, but she was killed seventeen years ago in a car crash, some time before he went to university in Liverpool to study architecture.’
‘Then he got a book published and became a famous author,’ Janis interrupted. ‘That’s the basic story he usually comes up with, when people get closer to him. I must admit, I wasn’t sure you’d fallen for it, too.’
‘You telling me it isn’t true?!’
‘No.’
I gasped, stopped walking abruptly and looked at Janis.
She smiled, as we started to move on again. ‘No. He never knew his real father. His mum later had another boyfriend for a few years, but he left when Dylan was ten. Maybe Dylan experienced this loss like a death. He never talks about him. As a teenager, he was very impressionable. He became very close to my father, perhaps seeing him as a substitute dad.’
‘Dylan told me he detested him.’
‘Oh, yes, that’s the truth. But only half the story. They had a big falling out in the last few months of my father’s life. But before that, they had a strong bond.’
‘What caused the rift?’
‘Sera.’
‘I see.’
‘There may’ve been more to it, but I could never be sure what. You’d have to ask him.’
‘And what about the other facts?’
‘More untruths, I’m afraid. They did live in South Wales. But they weren’t working-class, but upper-middle-class, his mother having inherited wealth. I think he likes his readership to think he has humbler origins. Self-made man, rising out of poverty, and all that.’
‘Mm. And his brother, where’s he?’
‘He never had a brother; he was an only child. His early childhood loneliness may have produced his later creativity. It certainly helped to fuel his friendship with me and my brother and sister. Although, he was an intensely shy boy when he came here.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. You wouldn’t think it to look at him now, would you?’
‘No, you wouldn’t!’ I paused. ‘What about Seraphina?’
‘You know she’s dead.’
‘Yes. Dylan told me. And at least I know that’s true. You and your sister backed it up at the dinner party. And I’ve seen her grave.’
Janis looked puzzled.
Emily showed me.’
‘Oh, I see. I knew Dylan wouldn’t’ve. He forbids us all from visiting to pay our respects.’
She paused when I didn’t look surprised. ‘Dylan and Sera were lovers, they did elope, she was killed. It’s the manner of her death he’s concealed.’
‘You mean she didn’t die in a car crash?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘This is another of Dylan’s untruths. He spreads them to keep the enquiring reporters and casual lovers at bay. He finds it highly amusing to mislead such people. He knows such a clichéd death could never appear in one of his novels. It would be too unoriginal for most publishers’ editors. Therefore, he weaves it into his own life story. Some intelligent centrefold called Sheila something-or-other – if I remember rightly – has been the only one sharp enough to see through this facade. She questioned Sera’s death, believing she either hadn’t existed in the first place, or had simply left him and is alive somewhere today.’
‘In his mind, I think she is.’
‘Maybe. Maybe.’ But she’d taken on a more serious tone. ‘Such stories don’t just halt most enquirers. They also create a safety valve for his own conscience.’
‘Eh?’
Janis stopped and pulled me to the side of the path. She turned to face me, making sure E-J couldn’t overhear what she was about to say.
‘Sera committed suicide in August, 1970, only a few weeks after she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan’s been living with the guilt over somehow having failed her ever since.’
I sank down onto the sparse moor-grass, recovering from the revelation.
‘That clarifies a lot! My God….’ I remained pensive for a while. ‘Perhaps he’s relieving his guilt by pretending she’s still alive. And he does this through having sex with other women, believing they’re actually Seraphina. He moves on quickly when they don’t match her standard.’
‘An interesting theory, but pure conjecture. And amateurish. I think you’ve been reading too many of those psychology texts in his library.’
Then she paused, considering what I’d said more objectively. ‘Perhaps you may have something there. Certainly I was the first or second person he tried to seduce after her death. And I was the nearest thing to her in looks.’
I didn’t want to break Veronica’s trust by telling Janis about the photographs of the sisters in their younger days, so simply asked: ‘How much like her are you?’
‘In personality, intelligence and interests, very different. In appearance, very similar. You must see how much my face resembles Emily’s?’
‘Yes, very much so.’
‘Well, Sera’s face was little different. A Faversham trait, if you like. But Sera was a little taller. Fuller in figure. Bigger boobs! Or “assets”, as my father often said. She always beat me at everything. Even that!’
I couldn’t help laughing and she joined in, even though there’d been a tinge of bitterness to her words.
‘Still,’ she said, after further reflexion, ‘I imagine if she were alive today, she’d look pretty much like me. You must remember, though, she had very long, jet-black hair. Even longer than Emily’s, reaching down past her waist.’ Looking more melancholy, she added: ‘So did I….once.’
Janis’s hair, whilst also jet-black and of a vibrant sheen, was cut short around her ears and barely reached her collar.
‘What was it like, knowing you were so much alike as sisters?’
‘I didn’t mind looking like Sera. You can’t begrudge being born beautiful. But she was always the favourite. I was devastated by her death. But it did somehow relieve me of my mother’s belittling comparisons. Then again, looking like Sera was a nightmare when it came to Dylan. He had such a control over me. He managed to possess me whenever he was back from university. He even drove me away from my fiancé, a local mountaineer, and, much later, my husband as well.’
‘Why haven’t you left Dylan? Why are you still friends with him?’
‘It may sound funny, but I love him. I suppose I was jealous of him falling for Sera, and not me, in the first place. It boosted my self-esteem to have him in my bed. A fantasy come true, I suppose. But there’d been something deeply tragic and unhealthy in their young love, even before she topped herself. And I began to detect his desperation and how much Sera had affected him. You see, in killing herself, Sera had also killed Dylan’s child. The autopsy revealed she’d been three months pregnant.’
I swallowed hard, but remained silent.
‘Despite my sympathy for him, and our physical and emotional closeness, there was something deeply claustrophobic about our affair. I felt smothered. Almost merged together with him. I needed to escape. So I left abruptly, moving to Glencoe in Scotland to train as a mountain instructor. Once there, I purposely cut my hair short, not so much to spite him, but to dissociate myself from Sera’s image. Then I went abroad – first to the Alps, then on Himalayan expeditions. I loved the challenge anyway, but I could also be free from his possessiveness.
‘By the time I returned here, Dylan had matured and he was successful. I didn’t want to start another sexual relationship with him. But there’s always been something about him, which overcomes one’s doubts and feelings.’
‘I know what you mean. A kind of charismatic charm that unsettles you, hypnotizes you even.’
‘Yes, exactly.’ She furrowed her brow. ‘Looking back, maybe I’d been fooling myself all along. When I came home, I quickly married a postman and became a housewife. But my heart was never in it. It was never going to work out.
‘Dylan’s magnetism was too great. When he seduced me again, I realized my seven years away had been a facade. I’d always wanted him. I’d been hiding from my own primitive feelings all along. I’d been full of regrets about going away. He’d changed in that time. He’d become a published novelist. His sexual exploits had merely grown, although not into the public domain yet. But I could live with all that. I’d come to expect I’d have to share Dylan with other women. It seems strange to outsiders, I know. You seem to be learning to accept this as well, judging from last night.’
I felt my anger welling up again.
‘I apologize for being so blatant when you stumbled in on us. You see, when I’m with him, no one else can get in the way of that. It’s my time; there can be no intrusions. It’s also a way of coping with his other women.’
I tried to remain calm, but inside I was in turmoil.
‘I was like you once. It took me a long time to accept I was never going to have him all to myself. Once I realized I wouldn’t, strangely I became much calmer. I know little about you. But you’ll either have to accept him for what he is or leave. Otherwise, it’ll get too much pretty quickly. As for me, my childhood was so messed up….My family so full of secrets I still don’t understand….Or choose to block out….My parents so emotionally denigrating to me….Dylan rebuilt my sense of self, my self-esteem, my confidence. I’ve sacrificed a lot. But to leave him fills me with unthinkable dread.
‘Yet he damages as well. I’ve felt it. Emily much more so. I should’ve protected her from him. I could just about cope at twenty. He took advantage of her when she was still under age.’
‘Yes, she told me. It’s no wonder she’s left.’
‘She left, and changed her image, for the same reason I cut my hair short. Most of his women seem to love every minute of their relationship with Dylan in the early stages. You seem no different. But I’m not sure Emily ever did.’
She looked at me, but I didn’t comment.
‘I think it runs deeper with her and me. We’re the closest thing he has to Sera. It’s as if he puts all the good and tender feelings for Sera into me and all the bad feelings – the anger – for Sera into Emily. At least that’s what my therapist thinks.’
She giggled at my surprise, but it felt artificial. ‘Yes, I’m not ashamed. I’ve been seeking help for years. I wish Emily had taken my advice to do so, too. But she’s rebelling against authority at the moment – an acting out stage. She’s trying to escape from her pain.’
‘Maybe that’s why she’s into drugs.’
‘Drugs?’
‘Yes. Heroin. Didn’t you know?’
‘No.’ She looked distraught. ‘She rarely confided in me. Not since we became love rivals, at any rate. But her feelings’ll still be there, haunting her, no matter how many drugs she takes. She’ll have to face them one day. I’ve had to. He’s mistreated her. I know she’s had two abortions already.’
‘At her age!’ I could feel my emotions welling up in my eyes again.
‘You OK, Freya?’
‘Yes,’ I said, recovering somewhat. ‘Hearing that was a little too close for comfort. You see, I had an abortion myself around the same age.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s OK, you weren’t to know.’ I had surprised myself. I’d kept this sordid secret for so many years. Now I’d told two people in a matter of days. It felt cathartic.
We walked on in silence for a time.
‘My mother has a lot to do with it as well. She – even more than Dylan – was trying to get Emily to fit into Sera’s shoes. Eric and I were the black sheep even before Sera died. It never surprised me when Emily became the focus of all her attention from then on. We all had intelligence, but Sera was a genius, destined for top academic and artistic honours. She’d done her A-Levels by fourteen; could play five musical instruments; spoke three languages fluently; and her paintings were already being exhibited at the time of her death.’
‘I’d understood she’d been special.’
‘Yes. She was very talented, but ultimately bored. There were very few challenges in the world for her. Part of this disillusion might hold a key to her death. Only Dylan held any excitement for her. Maybe that still wasn’t enough.’
‘I see. What about Emily?’
‘Well, how could she follow in those footsteps? Emily was a practical girl. She always liked to play and explore. Mother made her follow a similar academic path to Sera, but she was never likely to live up to her expectations. I despair now, looking back at the amount of after-school tutoring my mother foisted on her. It doesn’t surprise me she ultimately rebelled. I’m worried we won’t ever see her again. Just like Eric.’
‘Tell me more about him.’
Janis paused and inhaled deeply. ‘The family don’t really talk much about him. He went off the rails. Got in trouble with the law. Hurried off abroad and never came back.’
‘Is that why your mum’s so fearful about Emily? That she’s following in his footsteps?’
‘Maybe. Certainly Emily’s departure has tapped into her underlying guilt. But I’m not going to feel sorry for her woes. She deserves it.’
We were interrupted by E-J running back to us for a while and chattering away as incomprehensibly as ever. Together we clambered onto the summit of the next peak, High Spy. We were now over two thousand feet up. We stopped for a short break, sipping tea under expansive skies.
When we resumed, and E-J had walked off ahead again, I strove for refocus. ‘You still haven’t really told me why you’ve grown to love Dylan?’
‘Why does anyone love? Why him? Because he’s like an unexplained part of me. We’re like two halves of the same person. When I’m with him, we’re emotionally there for each other. He’s tender, his lovemaking’s superb.’
‘Yes. You don’t have to tell me that!’
‘Savour what he can give you in that department. I’ve had other lovers, but no one else comes close to him….
‘He also gave me independence from my mother. He backed my rock-climbing school financially, in the face of my mother’s derision of such a harebrained scheme. It’s become very successful. It’s my all-consuming interest now. It’s made me. I’ve nearly paid back Dylan’s loan completely.’