Friendship on Fire (48 page)

The mention of Rachael brought me back to ground zero. The truth she so willingly shared with me reminded me about Nate's own ongoing affair with her and who knows who else in their seedy Grammar circle, and my neck stiffened.

‘You might benefit from being around me, but I certainly don't from being around you,' I snapped.

He reached out to me, but didn't touch me. ‘Don't say that, Daisy. I know I made you happy.'

‘Yeah, you did. That was before you cheated on me with my best friend, for a long time, and let me give myself to you,' my voice broke on the last few words. I bit my lip hard.

‘I didn't mean to. It's the nature of our friendship group at Grammar. It's … expected.'

That was a weak point of argument.

‘I don't give a damn what it is. You guys walk around like you're top shit, yet you're at the bottom of the ethics chain. It makes me sick.'

Nate was shaking his head furiously. ‘You don't understand. You have to be like that to be included in the group. I was new. I had no other friends. Daisy, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't feel anything for her like I do for you.'

The genuine tone in his voice didn't make me feel better. It made me feel sorry for him that he fell for their crap, and lost the only positive influence in his life because of it. For once, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I knew I'd be OK, but I wasn't so sure about him.

I shrugged. ‘Funny, I don't feel better about that. Normal people have one person at a time they give themselves to and hold on to that.'

‘My dad taught me wrong, but I know that now …'

I interrupted him, changing the subject like the snapping of fingers. ‘Why didn't I get to meet your friends?'

‘What?' He blinked at me.

‘Your friends. Why didn't I meet them? Or go to your house. Rachael did. Why didn't I?' My eyes bore into his like hot coals.

‘That wasn't the part of my life I was proud of,' he replied in a small voice, close to a whisper.

‘Right. So you live two lives. Like split personalities? That makes much more sense.'

‘Things are so easy for you, aren't they Daisy? Good role models, stable upbringing, older siblings to look up to, all your family ‘God' stuff.' I winced at the easy religious stab, even though I didn't consider it such an obvious part of my life to attack. He hadn't seen any of it. ‘I'm still trying to make up for deficiencies that are beyond my control and you won't give me any rope.'

My temper flared, making my hands shake. ‘Don't throw this back onto me. Don't you dare make me feel inadequate, not more than you already have.'

Our eyes locked in defiance for a brief moment, before he broke his gaze. I had seen glimpses of his temper before, I realised with an internal laugh. But in actual fact, we hadn't had a real fight in our whole four months together. His nasty side, up until now, had been well-hidden, protected under lock and key and veiled under money, courtship, and teasing.

Once again I remembered Roman's desperate pleas with me to end it with Nate, to listen to the rumours that were, for once in my life, true. I remembered Josh's unwillingness to accept Nate, when he didn't clarify why. Call it brothers' intuition. Call it clear character discernment. Call it intelligence that I didn't have.

Nate's voice became like butter, pleading once again to the side that used to love him. That might still love him, regardless of his failings.

‘Daisy, listen to me. I'm sorry. I miss you. Please think over my proposal.'

This couldn't happen. The what-if situations I'd spent so long squashing and killing inside me reared their confusing voices. I put one hand to my head in exhaustion, exhaling sharply. Nate was instantly at my side, arm around my waist and worried eyes assessing my face.

Embarrassingly, but unsurprisingly, I jumped at his touch. Brushing his hands away, I sat down on our veranda chair.

‘Sorry. Did I do something wrong?' he asked, kneeling in front of me. At closer quarters, his cologne filled my nostrils with every breath I took.

‘Add it to the list,' I murmured, weary from thinking and arguing.

Nate chuckled, steadying his elbows on the chair on either side of me. The warmth from his body radiated onto my legs.

‘I guess I've got a lot to make up for.'

‘You sure do,' I almost joked.

‘Haven't you missed me?' His smooth voice entered my ears and began setting up house in my brain, muddling it further. ‘Don't you think about what we had?'

‘That's a stupid question,' I answered, heart racing. The resolve I'd set up for months now was preparing to slowly be chipped away.

Nate tested the waters further. As he spoke, he began to trace circles on my left leg where he knelt, paying careful attention to places he knew made me squirm.

With his other hand, he was gently kneading my right calf. How I'd dreamt about his touch, wishing I could feel him again and knowing I never could. Only this was better than a dream.

‘I never got to tell you this, Daisy. But I
do
love you. I always have.' I tested his words against his eyes. He was genuine. ‘I was afraid to show you I'd fallen for you. Call it insecurity …' He shrugged, humility spilling forth from his body.

It was nice to have something I'd always suspected finally confirmed. Maybe his lack of reassurance could be put down to his father as well. It fit, didn't it? Heaps of people had issues telling loved ones how much they loved them …

I said nothing. My mind was racing way ahead of me and I couldn't keep up with anything that was happening.

How my legs burnt at his touch. How the rest of my body ached to be caressed by the hands they had come to know so intimately. How I wanted to forget anything negative from our past.

‘I have a headache,' I whispered, slinking down into the chair more.

‘Close your eyes. I'll help you feel better,' he cooed, moving the intoxicating circles and kneading up my legs, thighs, to my arms.

I could get used to this again. I desperately wanted things to go back to normal. We
were
happy together. Nate realised his mistake, and now we can be more open and honest with each other. Besides, Roman was still with Anya …

Nate's lips were in line with my right ear. They brushed my hair and sent goose bumps up my spine. ‘You know, we shouldn't let something so small ruin us. We're much bigger than that.'

‘Mm,' I murmured, letting the warmth flow over me for another lingering second.

He came dangerously close to my mouth. I could smell the sweet scent of his breath. If I moved my chin slightly …

His voice was almost a whisper. ‘It's not worth losing all we worked for, babe. Not when I was only drunk.'

My eyes suddenly snapped open to stare at his. Judging from his body language in front of me, he believed that his last comment was a reasonable excuse.

Everything I'd been through the last two months flashed back in front of my eyes. The sleepless nights, endless boxes of tissues, melancholy music, seeing Skye's smirk every day, my last conversation with Rachael,
seeing
him and Rachael together in the sand …

Nate's hands became like crawling spiders on my arms. I slapped them away furiously and glared at him.

‘You will
never
understand,' I whispered hotly, rising to go inside. I needed to shower, to wash away the disgusting feeling now like oil over my body.

‘What did I say?' His arms spread wide, still on his knees.

I fought my temper like I'd never fought it before. How I wanted to strangle him and knock some sense into him. It would be futile. He didn't hold the same attitudes as me. It would be like flogging a dead horse.

Turning back to him at the front door, I raised my eyebrows and said, ‘Stay away from me.'

I vaguely remember hearing him call my name after me, and Dad locking the door on Nate's broken face.

I ran to the shower with my towel, and managed to lock the door behind me before bursting into tears. Quickly I tried to brush them away, for fear that seeing the broken image of myself in the mirror again would cause me to fall back into the deep hole once more.

Instead, fresh tears fell for my innocence lost and trust broken. Romanticised ideals of love poured out of my eyes, racking my chest until I felt it would explode, having been wrung dry.

Sliding down the wall into a crumbled heap on the bathroom floor, my pain was unheard by anyone else in the universe, except one.

Later that night, I picked up my pen and wrote, from start to finish, a poem that fitted exactly what I was feeling. I figured it was a lot more productive than banging my head against my pillow.

So proud was I of my inspired achievement that I went straight in to Mum's room and sat on the edge of her bed. She was in her pyjamas reading a book. I handed her my diary to read my poem. She raised her eyebrows and read it intently. I simply waited for her response.

Exciting Disappointment

Something so special

Crushed, made empty

It should have been protected,

But impatience waits for none

The waterfall eyes

That gold chain

That dazed moment

When time paused, for us

Heat combines with lust

If in fact, it only was

Who knows? That look

New familiarity created

Fascination, bashfulness —

An assortment of feelings

Too good to pass up

Also, too important to waste

Flattering white — the street lamp
 

An old movie set

For you and I only;

We steal the show

The oceans roar with laughter

A dog voices opinions

Your heart on my heart

Selective hearing and feeling

Will our moment end?

It seems infinite

That hair, those lips

That concentration, on me

The peak of mountains

Breathless, achievable

The inevitable descent

Afraid, to see the bottom

Changed waterfalls now close

Heat turns unexpectedly cold

The ocean deafens our movie

All flattering colours retreat

To become the same,

Empty black

As I realise

You aren't mine.

Shutting my diary, Mum flicked her eyes at me sternly.

‘Come inside, it's much warmer in here,' and she lifted up one side of the doona. I jumped in and began to wriggle.

‘Now, what's this about? It's a beautiful poem, Daisy, but what are you thinking?'

I shrugged shyly. ‘It's my way of dealing with what happened between us. I had to get out what it was like for me.'

‘Go on,' she encouraged.

‘And like, out the front before, Nate nearly got me. He started trying this sneaky stuff to win me back, and I nearly gave in. I'm so stupid. I should have realised that's all he wanted.'

Mum took off her glasses and thought about her response.

‘Well, it might not have been all he wanted, but the only way he knew to get your attention. Does that make sense?'

I chewed on my lip pondering this. It's true; the physical side was what he knew best, and what he thought would win me over, because it meant more to me.

‘He used the ‘I was drunk' excuse, Mum. Then he looked so confused when I told him to stay away from me for good.'

‘He might have heard others say it and get away with it. To some, it is a legitimate excuse. Nate's not used to someone like you, with such high standards,' she replied sensibly.

‘Apparently not high enough. I didn't know it, but all his friends are involved in some pretty dodgy stuff with each other,' I shuddered at the memory. ‘No, he'll never get a chance to get used to me. He's … different.' I took my diary from her soft hands.

‘He is. Sometimes different isn't a bad thing. Your father and I have different hobbies, and opinions on politics and the state of the world, but our attitude to fidelity and loyalty are the same. That's the key.'

‘I hadn't thought about that before. There are so many complexities in finding the right one, isn't there Mum?'

Mum nodded. ‘Sure are. Daisy you are a good girl. Keep writing, you're good at it. And keep your standards. Wait for someone worthy to come along. Like Roman.'

I squealed at her and pulled out the pillow from under her back, hitting her with it while she chuckled confidently under my blows.