Once outside the front gate, she took a quick look in each direction. Not a soul in sight. But she was still afraid that someone might see her, so she kept close to the reed fence and crept forward little by little. She didn't see anyone who might grab onto her and shout: Hey, girl! Just where do you think you're going? But all the same, to head out of the house like this was in itself terrifying. She tried her best to escape anyone's notice.
After walking some distance, she stopped in her tracks. Ahead of her was the newly paved road that led into town, gleaming in the light of the moon. Whenever she had looked at this road, it had always struck her that it wouldn't be much longer before she herself would have to make her way down it, terribly sad and all alone. And whenever she actually stepped onto the road, determined to leave, it was those dark pine groves in the distance and the way the road disappeared into them that she feared: they seemed to be hiding some man far more frightening than Tokho, a man who was waiting for her with glaring eyes. She felt goose bumps all over her body and turned around to look in the other direction. There, in full view, was Yongyon village! And, with its cluster of buildings set behind a tin-roofed storehouse, there was Tokho's private estate, practically calling out for attention! The idea of going back inside that house made Sonbi feel like something was scraping against her heartâshe didn't even have the words to describe the pain. She turned around again, facing the road that led through the forest, and took several steps forward . . . Oh, what do I do? What do I do? she asked herself, staring up at the moon, which had slipped into the far corner of the sky.
She then thought about Kannan. Before Sonbi had been raped by Tokho, she had always thought of Kannan as a common whore. But once he'd come after her, too, she began to see Kannan in her dreams, and for some reason they would be hugging each other and crying in each other's arms. Whenever she found herself hesitating like this over whether or not to run away, thoughts of Kannan always came to mind. What did they say she was doing now? Making good money somewhere . . . If only
I knew how to write a letter, I'd send her one now, thought Sonbi, her footsteps taking her in the direction of Kannan's old house before she even knew where she was heading. Many a time had she come this far on a moonlit night, hoping to learn news of Kannan. Yet she'd never been able to bring herself to enter the family's house. After pacing back and forth in front of their reed fence, she'd think: I'll find out some day, and besides, what if Kannan's mother gets suspicious of me? It was always this sense of anxiety that turned her back around again. Whenever this happened, she could barely restrain herself from crying out “Oh, Kannan,” her throat tight with emotion, as she thought about how she had played with Kannan as a child. Why hadn't she been able to understand Kannan's feeling when she'd still lived in the village? Why had she been so unwilling to give Kannan even a single word of comfort?
Lost in these thoughts, she stood in front of Kannan's house. She set her mind on going straight inside to find out whatever news she could about Kannan.
First she attempted to see if anyone else from the village might be visiting. She then listened carefully to hear if Kannan's father was home. Everything inside seemed absolutely still. All she could see was the dim light of an oil lamp shining through the doorframe, and all she could hear was the faint sound of someone coughing. Were they already asleep? Maybe she'd just have to come back tomorrow, she thought, turning away. But then she reconsidered: Oh, hell, I'll just go inside, she told herself, forcing her reluctant feet to shift direction.
At the sound of her footsteps, someone called from inside.
“Who's there?”
It was Kannan's mother. Sonbi froze, unsure what to do, and it wasn't until the door actually opened that she finally felt compelled to step forward.
“It's me . . .”
Kannan's mother came outside to take a better look at Sonbi.
“Oh, I had no idea who . . . Well, what are you doing here?”
Kannan's mother clasped Sonbi's hands into her own and led her inside. Why in the world has this child come here? she wondered. Maybe that no-good Tokho heard Kannan was making good money in Seoul and sent Sonbi to find out where she is? Then something else hit herâmaybe what happened to my Kannan has happened to this poor child, too . . . She stared into Sonbi's face searching for a clue.
72
“How long has it been since I last saw you? That must have been back when your mother passed away . . . But you sure are mighty pretty now.”
With these words, Kannan's mother hoped to cheer up the downcast girl she saw sitting before her. She waited for something, anything, to come from Sonbi's lips.
Sonbi, for her part, hadn't the peace of mind to utter a single word. She'd managed to enter the house all right, but she was terrified that Tokho or Okchom's mother might have followed her, and might be standing this very moment on the other side of the door. As soon as she stepped out of the house, they would probably chase after her, shouting, “Why did you come here, you little bitch!” All Sonbi could do was sit nervously, glancing at the door. Kannan's mother could tell that there was something upsetting Sonbi. She recalled how before her own daughter had run off to Seoul, she had stayed up all night long, roaming around outside, before finally coming in to tell her, “Mom, it looks like Tokho has his eyes on Sonbi! And wants to get rid of me for good . . .”
Kannan had said this with a deep sigh. They were words her mother could still hear ringing in her ears. The more time passed with Sonbi sitting there silently, the deeper the woman's suspicion grew that this girl was being kicked out of Tokho's house just like Kannan. On the one hand she thought: Why, you little bitch, it serves you right for causing my Kannan so much pain! But on the other, when she saw how forlorn Sonbi looked, she almost felt as though her own Kannan was sitting right in front of her, as though she was staring right now into the eyes of her own child.
After some time, Sonbi broke the silence.
“Mother, where is Kannan now?”
“Why? Why does he need to know that?”
Jumping to the assumption that Tokho had sent her to ask about her daughter, Kannan's mother fired back this retort. Sonbi, for her part, didn't have the courage to rephrase her question. She sat there silently, twisting the bow of her blouse around her finger.
“What does he want by knowing where Kannan went? Ruining my girl's life wasn't good enough for him, huh? What else could he wring out of her?”
Kannan's mother went on like this without really knowing what she was saying. And all the while Sonbi's cheeks were burning with shame, no different than if she'd been slapped right across the face. Oh, I knew I shouldn't have come, she thought with regret. But at the same time, it became more apparent than ever to Sonbi that her own life had also been ruined by Tokho, and she felt an uncontrollable rush of anger pulsing through her body. At least Kannan had parents who looked out for her whereas she had no family whatsoever to stand up to people in her defense.
“Oh, Mother!” she cried.
Kannan's mother lifted her head. She stared at Sonbi piercingly: What in the world would this girl say next?
Sonbi had called out to Kannan's mother in a state of utter confusion, but now she had nothing to say. This woman in front of her wasn't the same mother she had just called, but then again, somehow it still felt like she was.
After a minute or two staring blankly into the darkness, Sonbi shifted her gaze to the flame of the lamp, flickering in the draft from the crack in the door. Tears streamed down her cheeks. And though they hadn't exchanged a single word about it, Kannan's mother knew then that Sonbi had met the same fate as her daughter Kannan. Oh, the poor thing! How could he be so cruel! she thought, conjuring up an image of Tokho in her mind. I hope I live to see the day that bastard is struck by lightning . . . How can God be so indifferent!
“Oh, Sonbi!” she cried. “Why do you look so sad?”
Her voice was cracking, and she hid her face to dab away her tears with the hem of her skirt. Seeing Kannan's mother crying like this, it was almost impossible for Sonbi to hold back the wave of tears that was engulfing her. But she bit her lip, and between her sobs, managed a few words.
“Mother, wh . . . wh . . . where did Kannan go?”
“Do you want to go there too, dear?”
“Uh-huh . . . ”
Kannan's mother rose to her feet. She opened up a little drawer, pulled out an envelope, and sat back down in front of Sonbi.
“Now, where in Seoul is she again? I hear the name all the time, but I can't for the life of me remember. Here, look at this. Her address is supposed to be written down here . . . That bastard! How are we ever
going to get revenge on him? If your mother was still alive, what would the dear thing have done? Oh, Sonbi, it just breaks my heart to think how . . .” Kannan's mother beat her hand against her chest.
With the envelope clenched in her hand, Sonbi realized that Kannan's mother had guessed what had happened between her and Tokho. Her whole body began shaking uncontrollably with hatred toward him, but also with deep shame. She looked carefully at the envelope in her trembling hand, but the light was far too dim for her to see it clearly. Still, there was no way that she could have made out those Chinese characters, having barely even learned the Korean alphabet.
d
She rose to her feet, the envelope clenched tightly in her hand.
73
Watching Sonbi stand to go, Kannan's mother said, “Now that you've seen the envelope, give it back to me.”
Only after hesitating for a moment did Sonbi reply, “Please let me have it, Mother.”
“I can't do that! Just think what would happen if Tokho ever got his hands on it?”
“You don't really think I'd let that happen . . . do you?”
“Well, then, you keep it hidden well, and be sure to bring it back to me. Just please promise me you won't let that bastard even lay his eyes on it.”
Following Sonbi outside, Kannan's mother repeated her plea several times. Sonbi stuck the envelope into her bosom, but at the thought of Tokho's hands fondling her breasts, she pulled it out again. She didn't have a single place she could hide the envelope. When she thought about how that ugly old man had deprived her of even these secret places, she felt like dying.
After saying goodbye to Kannan's mother, Sonbi again crept her way along the shadows of the reed fences until she made it back to Tokho's house. What do I do with this envelope? she wondered. She eventually stuck it into her sock, then quietly opened the main gate. Now even Yu Sobang's door was pitch-black. The shadow of the eaves stood out
clearly on the ground. There was no sign of change in the men's quarters either. Then, with a leap of her heart, something struck her: Maybe Tokho snuck into my room while I was gone. As she approached the middle gate, she hesitated, but the place was dead quiet so she softly closed the gate, went through the inner quarters, and opened the door to her room. And what darkness greeted her from inside! She hesitated for an instant, thinking that maybe Tokho had gotten drunk and was lying right in front of her. Suddenly she felt an intense desire to turn around and run far away, run anywhere. But she reminded herself of the secret she had hidden away inside the folds of her sock.
Once she'd ascertained no one else was inside, Sonbi entered her room. She was determined not to open the door for him tonight, and pulled it firmly closed, then locked it. She collapsed on the floor without even spreading out the bedding. So many thoughts flashed through her mind once she lay down that it seemed like she was watching a slide show. She couldn't help thinking that Tokho was right outside her door, just about to pull it open.
Shortly afterwards, the door rattled. Oh no, he's here again . . . she thought, and closed her eyes tightly. Her heart kept racing frightfully. The door rattled again even louder. Tokho clearly knew from experience that Sonbi wouldn't be sleeping. And while it was true that she'd only make Tokho angry by not opening the door for him, she decided to ignore him. What more could he do to her, she thought, besides chase her out of the house? The door began rattling again with more and more persistence. Then Sonbi heard the sound of the door paper ripping, and then the latch of the door clinking open. Sonbi stayed on the floor, pretending to be asleep. Tokho seemed to be out of breath. He came up to Sonbi and gave her a shove in the backside with his foot.
“Damn it, girl, why didn't you open the door? You little bitch. Just because I like you . . . don't you go thinking you can get stubborn with me! You better watch it!”
Only then did Sonbi slowly sit up, pretending that she'd just awoken.
“You didn't hear me trying to open the door?”
“I didn't hear anything.”
“You little vixen.”
Pulled into Tokho's arms, Sonbi caught a whiff of that distinctive smell Tokho always gave off. After being held close to him for a long
time, she would stop noticing it, but whenever he first grabbed her like this, she was always conscious of his strong odor. She turned her face away from him. Then she tried to squirm out of his embrace and sit up straight again. But Tokho only pulled her closer.
“Getting tired of me, huh? Well, maybe I'll just have to get me another girl. How about that? Come on, do what you're told.”
Tokho was breathing heavily as he put his mouth to her ear and whispered to Sonbi. The words tickled her ear, and she tried to pull away from him again.
“I bet you've got another man on the side, don't you? What else could it be? A girl like you is supposed to stay up at night so she can let her man inside. You've got to greet me proper, put on some of that charm of yours to put me in the right mood, damn it . . . You can't just fall asleep like that whenever the hell you feel like it, you sneaky little bitch! I treat you too well, that's it. No wonder you've lost all your goddamn manners . . . Now tell me, did you get your period this month?”