Authors: Miriam Epstein
Brady barely moves, yet his body is all of sudden much farther away than it was a moment ago. He does his best to keep an even expression on his face, but his eyes have a hint of disappointment in them that may or may not be transference from my own.
"I'm sorry."
The apology pours out of me, but the set of his jaw doesn't soften and the hurt thickens his voice. "Don't be. I should probably go. You need to rest."
My stomach churns with regret as he talks about leaving. "We didn't talk about what happened in the library."
Oh, good job, Paige. Way to bring that up now so that you can't keep avoiding it
, I think.
Brady shakes his head. "You don't want to talk about that. You aren't big on sharing much of yourself, Paige. I wish you would tell me what's going, I really do, but I'm not going to push you anymore. It isn't fair to either one of us."
I look at him, unable to use my words. This is the same person that pushed his way into my life with brute force? The ache that began to form in my chest a moment ago deepens.
He stands up and tips my chin up towards him with his right hand. "Don't look at me like that, Paige. I'm not giving up on you. It's just going to have to be you who makes an effort, okay? You know where I am."
He reaches the front door of my apartment before I have time to process all the emotions swirling around in my head.
"Don't forget to keep that bandage clean and dry. Call me if you need anything, Paige."
The door shuts behind him and I feel more alone than I have in years.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Sunday morning is as bleak as I feel, with a gray sky and rain so heavy that visibility is only a few feet in front of you. I love staying inside on days like this. Watching a good thunderstorm has always been a favorite thing of mine. When Nicole was alive, we would pop popcorn and sit outside under the covered deck in our backyard to watch the storms. My parents would shake their heads, but they left us alone as long as there wasn't a lightening storm. It was usually Malvina that finally ushered us inside, telling us that her heart couldn't handle it anymore.
Nicole would have loved Florida. Ohio saw its fair share of summer storms, but Florida is a mecca for unpredictable weather. Someone told me once that if you don't like the weather in Miami, just go down the street. And it is so very true because I was out jogging once and I could actually see it raining a few blocks from where I was, but it remained dry as could be where I was.
I make some coffee and draw the blinds open in the living room. I'm tempted to just go out onto the balcony, but the throbbing in my arm reminds me that I'm not allowed to get the wound wet.
Fantastic
, I think.
How am I going to shower without help?
Maybe I should have just let Brady kiss me. Then he'd still be here to take care of me. He has proven to be really good at that so far. The thing is, I shouldn't need or want anyone to do that for me. Why did I pull away, though, when it was so obvious that I was as into it as he was? I'm not frigid; I have been intimate with other men in the past.
There is a knock at the door and my stomach leaps. Brady! I set my coffee cup down on the breakfast bar and rush to the door. I'm glad I slept in form-fitting black leggings and tank top last night because I actually feel kind of sexy in this. Despite the messy hair I must be sporting.
When I open the door, I try to hide my disappointment when I see that it is Elyse, not Brady, who has come by this morning.
"Hey, Paige. I hope I'm not interrupting you."
I give her a half smile. "No, you're not. How are you?"
I stop myself just short of asking her what she's doing here. I'm working on not being rude.
Elyse's face falls just slightly before she catches herself and puts her usual smile back in place. "Garrett was called away for work really early this morning. I was making him a really great brunch, but now it's going to waste so I thought maybe you would want to eat it with me?"
She holds up a plastic container and I instantly smell baked goods. I'd be a fool to turn that down, so I step back and give Elyse room to come inside.
"Thank you. Come in."
She walks into the kitchen and sets the food on the counter. "Where do you keep your plates?"
I grab two plates from the cabinet over the dishwasher machine. The drawer with utensils is on the other side of the breakfast nook. I grab some forks and a serving spoon and then head over to the stool next to Elyse.
"That's a huge gauze pad, Paige. And you've bled right through it. What happened?"
Great. I forgot all about yesterday and didn't even think to throw a sweatshirt on. "It's no big deal. The floor in the library had some slippery stuff on it and I'm clumsy. I fell and hit the corner of something on the way down. Just a few stitches, nothing serious."
The look on Elyse's face said she thought it was a bigger deal than I was making it into. Which was exactly what I would like to avoid. Of course, I have a great way to distract her.
"Actually, Elyse, I know we just met and all, but how would you feel about seeing me naked?"
I wish I could take a picture of her expression when I ask this. It is priceless.
"I, uh, what?"
I giggle. "I'm not supposed to get the wrapping wet and I really want to shower. I just need some help making sure I keep my arm dry while I'm in there. Oh, wow. You made all of this? It looks like it came straight out of a magazine."
Out of the box, Elyse has produced cheese croissants, scrambled eggs, and some kind of pastry with what looks like raspberry filling. It looks and smells incredible.
She smiles, having recovered from my inappropriate question. "I love to cook. Especially breakfast foods. And yes, I can help you get cleaned up. I don't mind. We can do that after we eat. I'm starving."
Elyse and I eat breakfast and talk about normal things. Is this what it would have been like if Nicole was still alive? Would she have been able to get over the past? Would my sister and I sit down for Sunday brunch and talk like we used to? Elyse is slightly older, and definitely more of a people person than Nicole, but still, I can't help but feel a pang of sadness when I think of how she should be here with us right now. I don't think I will ever stop feeling that, no matter how much time passes.
"So, did you ask your hot friend to dinner on Tuesday? Garrett will be back early that evening, so it's still on."
I concentrate on the piece of egg I have just speared with my fork. "Well, the thing is we kind of had a little disagreement."
Elyse gives me a knowing look. "Paige, I like to think I'm very good at reading people, so I apologize if this is out of line, but you seem to be the emotionally closed-off type. Right?"
I shrug. "I suppose that's true."
She nods. "So when you say disagreement, what you're really saying is that you are trying your best to keep him at an arm's length, yes?"
"I just can't afford to complicate my life right now, and he is a major complication."
Elyse throws her fork down on her plate. "He's not a complication, Paige. You are. Just relax and let things happen. Everyone needs people in their life. Everyone. Trust me, I have at least 10 more life experience years than you do."
"We'll see," I tell her.
We finish eating and I put our dishes in the machine.
"So, you're sure you don't mind the shower thing? I realize it's not entirely normal for me to ask, especially since I've just met you."
Elyse shakes her head. "Please, Paige. We're women. We help one another. That's just a fact of life."
Well, Elyse obviously did not have the same upbringing that I did. She probably came from a close, loving family. I just nod in agreement, and we head towards my bathroom.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
After I'm all cleaned up and Elyse has placed a fresh dressing over my arm, I walk her to the door.
"Thank you for everything today, Elyse. I really appreciate it."
Elyse looks down at the hardwood floors, as if they are incredibly fascinating. "No, thank you. I was really looking forward to spending time with Garrett this weekend, and if you hadn't been around, I would probably be feeling sorry for myself."
She squeezes my hand quickly, and then opens the door. To find Brady, standing there, hand poised to knock.
"Hello, I'm Elyse. Paige's neighbor."
Brady puts his hand out to shake hers. "Nice to meet you, Elyse. I'm Brady."
I am still standing statue-like behind Elyse.
She steps to the side and I can see a hint of mischief in her expression. "Brady, great. I'm glad I ran into you so that I can tell you we changed dinner time on Tuesday. My fiancee gets in around 6:30 from a trip, so I'd like to have both of you over at eight. See you then!"
That traitorous woman. She takes off down the hall and is inside her apartment lightening quick.
Brady turns to me. "Is it alright if I come in?"
I nod my head in the direction of the living room. "Sure."
Instead of the couch, Brady chooses the love seat and pulls me down with him so that I am practically sitting in his lap. He takes both of my hands in his and strokes my skin with his thumbs.
"I'm sorry. I don't want last night to mess up our friendship."
"It didn't, and it won't. You don't have anything to be sorry for. You have been nothing but nice to me since I met you. And I didn't really deserve your generosity, especially when I spilled coffee all over you."
He laughs. "I like you a lot, Paige, and I don't think this is one-sided. Is it?"
I have been unconsciously stroking my index finger back and forth over the black suede upholstery, creating that contrast of dark and light that used to annoy my mother when I did it back home. I see now why it bothered her; when things aren't in place, it can create chaos even in the mind of someone. If I choose to lie about my feelings for Brady, it may cost me in the form of someone that has made me smile for the first time in a long time. If I tell him the truth, it will almost certainly backfire at some point.
I cannot bring myself to lie about this, so I tell him the truth as succinctly as possible. "It is not one-sided."
He smiles. "We did just meet last week, though, and I practically forced my friendship upon you."
I can't help but grin. "Yes, that you did, but it's been a good thing."
"I'm glad you think so. I just want to tell you that I would like to continue to wear you down until you realize how awesome I am and throw yourself at me, but I'll let you do it at your own pace. Cool?"
The urge to hug him comes over me so suddenly that I don't think about what I'm doing until my arms are around him and I really am sitting in his lap. He pulls me to him even closer, and the pressure of his embrace is something I've needed for so very long. I bury my head in his shoulder and he strokes my hair down my back.
Too quickly, I realize this is absolutely the last thing I should be doing after the talk we just had. I stand up. When you have denied yourself a very basic human craving like the need for physical comfort for so very long, the first time you feel it again can be your undoing. There are few things in life better than feeling safe in someone's arms. And now that I've reawakened my need for that security, that closeness, I want it more. I very well may have opened Pandora's box.
"I just need to use the restroom. I'll be right back."
Brady nods and I dash off to my bedroom. I just need a moment to breathe; a moment to shake off the overwhelming urge to disregard everything he just said about taking things slowly. I turn on the tap and dampen a wash cloth with cool water. I run it over my forehead and cheeks, hoping it will cool me off and slow my heart rate. I look at myself very closely in the mirror that now scares me a little, since it bore my sister's name in lipstick the color of blood. I take notice of the color in my cheeks. The hollow underneath my eyes has a lot less purple. My lips, usually chapped from biting them anxiously and not using anything to moisturize, look smoother and plumper. I almost feel pretty again.
Feeling as though I've quieted the desire to throw myself at Brady, I turn the light off by the vanity and exit my bedroom. Walking down the hallway, I take note of how bare my walls are. The apartment looks barely lived in. Maybe it is time to add some of my personality to this place.
Brady is holding something in his hand; he is studying it so hard that he doesn't seem to hear me come back into the room. He doesn't look up until I sit back down next to him. I see that he is looking at a photograph.
He turns the picture so that I can see it. "You were a cute kid, Paige. Who is this in the picture with you, your sister? You look a lot like her."
The color I noticed in my cheeks must be draining away as I stare at the picture. Yes, it is in fact me and Nicole. The picture was taken on the day of her Junior Prom, so she is about sixteen and I am thirteen. She is wearing her dress, a royal blue floor length strapless gown with a sweetheart neckline and crystal beading along the top. I am in plain jeans and a t-shirt, just there to wish my big sister a fun evening. I loved that picture of her so much, she looked so beautiful in her dress. I couldn't stop staring at that photo after Nicole died.
That picture was with the pile of my things taken from me on the day I entered Broad Horizons. It was never returned to me.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
After what seems like hours, but is probably just a few minutes, I am able to close my eyes and win my desperate battle for air. Once my breathing is under control, I keep my eyes closed and listen. It is true that denying one of the five senses can strengthen the others; my hearing is sharper than ever right now.
A whimper, and then an angry shout. Those are from a female. Nicole. Followed shortly by a gruff male voice telling her to shut her mouth. Footsteps, and then a bottle clanking down on a hard surface. More footsteps, and finally, the chilling sound of my sister trying to scream behind something that muffles her voice.
Oh, god
. He could be strangling her. Or smothering her.