Full Circle (35 page)

“Do your best. You could come down on the twenty-sixth, and we could spend a few days in Malibu.” He was renting a little weekend place there, but she was not surprised by that so much as by the date he had said … the twenty-sixth … she realized then that he wanted to be alone with the girls for the holidays. “Will you, Tan?” He sounded like a little kid and she hugged him tight and laughed at him.

“Okay, okay, I'll come down. What do you think the girls would like?”

“You.” They exchanged a smile and he kissed her again.

He spent the week before getting everything ready for them in L.A. Tana was trying to clean up the work on her desk so she could take a few days off from the District Attorney's office, and she had lots of shopping to do. She bought Drew a suede shirt, and a very expensive briefcase that he'd seen and loved, the eau de cologne that he wore, and a wild tie she knew he'd love. And she bought each of the girls a beautiful doll at F.A.O. Schwarz, some stationery, some barrettes, an adorable sweat suit for Elizabeth that looked just like one Tana had, and a rabbit made of real fur for the little one. She wrapped all the gifts, and put them in a suitcase to take to L.A. with her. She hadn't bothered with a tree this year; she didn't really have time and there was no one to see it anyway. She spent Christmas Eve with Harry and Averil and their kids, and it was relaxing just being with them. Harry had never looked better, and Averil looked contented as little Harrison ran around waiting for Santa Claus. They sliced carrots for the reindeer, put chocolate chip cookies out, a big glass of milk, and finally got him into bed. His sister was already asleep, and when he finally fell asleep too, Averil tiptoed into their rooms to look at them with a quiet smile, as Harry watched her go, and Tana watched him. It made her feel good just to see him like that, contented and alive. His life had turned out well, although it certainly wasn't what he had expected to do with his life. He glanced at Tana with a smile, and it was as though they both understood.

“Funny, isn't it, Tan, how life works out…”

“Yeah, it is.” She smiled at him. They had known each other for twelve years, almost half their lives. It was incredible.

“I figured you'd be married in two years when I met you that first time.”

“And I thought you'd die a hopeless degenerate … no…,” she looked pensive and amused, “… a playboy drunk…”

He laughed at the idea. “You've got me mixed up with my old man.”

“Hardly.” She still had a soft spot for Harrison, but Harry had never been quite sure of that. He had suspected it once, but he had never been sure, and his father had never let on to anything. Nor had Tan.

Harry looked at her oddly then. He hadn't expected to be spending Christmas with her this year, not after the hints she had dropped about Drew once or twice. He had the strangest feeling that it was serious for her, more so even than she would let on to him. “Where's your friend, Tan? I thought you were going to Sugar Bowl.” She looked blank at first, but she knew instantly who he meant and he grinned. “Come on, don't pull that ‘who do you mean’ shit on me. I know you better than that.”

She laughed at him. “All right, all right. He's in L.A. with his kids. We cancelled Sugar Bowl because his kids were coming out. I'm going down on the twenty-sixth.” Harry thought that strange but he didn't say anything to her.

“He means a lot to you, doesn't he?”

She nodded cautiously, but she didn't meet his eyes. “He does … for whatever that's worth.”

“What is it worth, Tan?”

She sighed and leaned back in her chair. “God only knows.”

Harry kept wondering something and he finally had to ask. “How come you're not down there today?”

“I didn't want to intrude.” But that wasn't true. He hadn't invited her.

“I'm sure you're not an intrusion to him. Have you met his kids yet?” She shook her head.

“Day after tomorrow will be the first time.”

Harry smiled at her. “Scared?”

She laughed nervously. “Hell, yes. Wouldn't you be? They're the most important thing in his life.”

“I hope you are too.”

“I think I am.”

And then Harry frowned. “He's not married, is he, Tan?”

“I told you before, he's in the process of getting a divorce.”

“Then why didn't he spend Christmas with you?”

“How the hell do I know?” She was annoyed at the persistent questions and she was beginning to wonder where Averil was.

“Didn't you ask?”

“No. I was perfectly comfortable like this,” she glowered at him, “until now.”

“That's the trouble with you, Tan, you're so used to being alone that it doesn't even occur to you to do things differently. You should be spending Christmas with him. Unless…”

“Unless what?” She was angry at him now. It was none of his business whether or not she spent Christmas with Drew, and she respected his need to be alone with his kids.

But Harry wasn't content to leave it alone. “Unless he's spending Christmas with his wife.”

“Oh, for chrissake … what an asinine thing to say. You are the most cynical, suspicious son of a bitch I know … and I thought I was bad.…” She looked furious, but there was something else lurking in her eyes, as though he had hit a nerve. But that was ridiculous.

“Maybe you're not bad enough.”

She stood up and didn't answer him. She looked for her bag, and when Averil finally came back, she found them both tense, but she didn't think anything of it. They were like that sometimes. She was used to them by now, they had their own special relationship and sometimes they fought like cats and dogs but they didn't mean any harm.

“What have you two been up to out here? Beating each other up again?” she smiled.

“I'm considering it.” Tana glared irritatedly at her.

“It might do him good.” All three of them laughed then.

“Harry's been making an ass of himself, as usual.”

He suddenly grinned at her. “You make it sound as though I've been exposing myself.”

Averil laughed. “Did you do that again, sweetheart?” And then finally Tana warmed up again.

“You know, you're the biggest pain in the neck in the world. World cup goes to you.”

He bowed politely from his chair, and Tana went to get her coat. “You don't have to leave, Tan.” He was always sorry to see her go, even when they disagreed. They still had a special bond between them. It was almost like being twins.

“I should go home and get organized. I brought home a ton of work.”

“To do on Christmas Day?” He looked horrified, and she smiled.

“I have to do it sometime.”

“Why don't you come here instead?” They were having friends over, his partner and another dozen or so, but she shook her head. She didn't mind being home alone, or at least so she said.

“You're weird, Tan.” But he kissed her cheek and his eyes were filled with the love he felt for her.

“Have a good time in L.A.” He wheeled beside her to the door and looked at her pensively. “And Tan … take care of yourself … Maybe I was wrong … but it doesn't hurt to be careful about things.…”

“I know.” Her voice was soft again, and she kissed them both as she left. But driving home in the car, she found herself thinking about what he had said. She knew he couldn't be right. Drew was
not
spending Christmas with his wife … but nonetheless she
should
have been spending it with him. She had tried to tell herself that it didn't matter, but it did. And suddenly it reminded her of all the lonely years she had felt so sorry for Jean … waiting for Arthur, sitting by the phone, hoping he would call … they were never able to spend major holidays together when Marie was alive, and even afterwards there was always an excuse … his in-laws, his children, his club, his friends … and there was poor Jean, with tears in her eyes, holding her breath … waiting for him.… Tana fought back the thoughts. It was
not
like that with Drew. It was
not.
She wouldn't let it be. But the next afternoon, as she worked, the questions kept coming to her. Drew called her once, but it had been a very brief call, and he sounded rushed. “I have to go back to the girls,” he had said hastily and then hung up on her.

And when she landed in Los Angeles the next day, he was waiting for her at the airport, and he swept her into his arms, and held her so tight she could barely breathe.

“My God … wait … ! stop … !” But he crushed her to him, and they were laughing and kissing all the way to the parking lot as he juggled her bags and packages, and she was ecstatic to see him. It had been a lonely holiday without him after all. And she had secretly wanted it to be different and exciting this year. She hadn't even admitted that to herself, but suddenly she knew it was true. And it was, it was wonderful driving into town with him. He had left the girls at the house with a babysitter he knew, just so he could pick her up alone, and spend a few quiet minutes with her.

“… before they drive us both nuts.” He looked at her and beamed.

“How are the girls?”

“Wonderful. I swear they've doubled in size in the last four weeks. Wait till you meet them, Tan.” And she was enchanted with them when she did. Elizabeth was lovely and grown up and looked strikingly like Drew, and Julie was a cuddly little ball who almost instantly climbed onto Tana's lap. They loved the presents she had brought, and they seemed to have no resistance to her, although Tana saw Elizabeth looking her over more than once. But Drew handled it remarkably well. He cut out all the necking and the cuddly stuff. It was as though they were just friends, spending a cozy afternoon. It was obvious that he knew Tana well, but it would have been impossible to guess the relationship they shared from the way he behaved to her. And Tana wondered if he always acted that way around the girls.

“What do you do?” Elizabeth was looking her over again, and Julie was watching them both, as Tana smiled, shaking back her mane of pale blond hair. Elizabeth had envied her that since they first met.

“I'm an attorney like your dad. In fact, that's how we met.”

“So's my mom,” Elizabeth was quick to add. “She's assistant to the ambassador of the OAS in Washington, and they might give her her own ambassadorship next year.”

“Ambassadorial post.” Drew corrected her and glanced at the three “girls.”

“I don't want her to do that.” Julie pouted. “I want her to come back here to live. With Daddy.” She stuck her lower lip out defiantly, and Elizabeth was quick to add, “He could come with us wherever Mom's sent. It depends on where it is.” Tana felt an odd feeling in her gut, and she looked at him, but he was doing something else, and Elizabeth went on. “Mom may even want to come back here herself, if they don't offer her the right job. That's what she said, anyway.”

“That's very interesting.” Tana noticed that her mouth felt dry, and she wished that Drew would regain control of the conversation again, but he didn't say anything. “Do you like living in Washington?”

“Very much.” Elizabeth was painfully polite and Julie hopped into Tana's lap again, and smiled up into Tana's eyes.

“You're pretty. Almost as pretty as our mom.”

“Thank you!” It was definitely not easy talking to them, and other than with Harry's children, it was rare for Tana to be in a spot like this, but she had to make the effort for Drew. “What'll we do this afternoon?” Tana felt almost breathless as she asked, desperate to divert them from the topic of his almost ex-wife.

“Mommy's going shopping on Rodeo Drive.” Julie smiled up at her, and Tana almost gasped.

“Oh?” Her eyes turned towards Drew in astonishment and then back to them. “That's nice. Let's see, how about a movie? Have you seen
Sounder?”
She felt as though she were running up a mountain as fast as she could and she wasn't getting anywhere … Rodeo Drive … that meant she had come to Los Angeles with the girls … and why hadn't he wanted Tana to come down yesterday? Had he spent Christmas with her after all? The next hour seemed to trickle by as Tana chatted with the girls, and finally they ran outside to play, and Tana finally turned to him. Her eyes spoke volumes before her mouth said a word. “I take it your wife is in Los Angeles.” She looked rigid and inside something had gone numb.

“Don't look at me like that.” His voice was soft while his eyes avoided her.

“Why not?” She stood up and walked towards him. “Did you spend the holiday with her, Drew?” He couldn't avoid her now, she was standing directly in front of him. And she already assumed he had. And when he lifted his eyes to face her, she knew instantly that she was right and the girls had given him away. “Why did you lie to me?”

“I didn't lie to you. I didn't think … oh, for chrissake…” He looked at her almost viciously. She had cornered him. “I didn't plan it that way, but the girls have never had a Christmas with us separated before, Tan … it's just too damn hard on them…”

“Is it, now?” Her eyes and voice were hard, concealing the pain she felt inside … the pain he had inflicted on her by lying to her … “And just exactly when do you plan to let them get used to it?”

“Goddammit,
do you think I like seeing my children hurt by this?”

“They look fine to me.”

“Of course they do. That's because Eileen and I are civilized. That's the least we can give them now. It's not their fault things didn't work out for us.” He looked at Tana sorrowfully and she had to fight the urge to sit down and cry, not for him or the girls, but for herself.

“Are you sure it's not too late to salvage it with Eileen?”

“Don't be ridiculous.”

“Where did she sleep?” He looked as though he had received an electric shock.

“That's an inappropriate thing to ask, and you know it damn well.”

“Oh, my God…” She sat down again, unable to believe how transparent he was. “You slept with her.”

“I did
not
sleep with her.”

“You did, didn't you?” She was shouting now and he strode around the room like a nervous cat as he turned to face her again.

“I slept on the couch.”

“You're lying to me. Aren't you?”

“Goddammit, Tana! Don't accuse me of that! It isn't as easy as you think. We've been married for almost twenty years, Goddammit.… I can't just walk out on everything from one day to the next, and not when the girls are involved,” he looked at her mournfully and then walked slowly to where she sat. “Please…” There were tears in his eyes. “I love you, Tan … I just need a little time to work this out.…” She turned away from him and walked across the room, keeping her back to him.