Funny Boy Meets the Dumbbell Dentist from Deimos (with Dangerous Dental Decay) (5 page)

WELL, YOU’RE ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE STORY NOW. IF THIS WAS A FOOTBALL GAME, THERE WOULD BE A HALFTIME SHOW HERE. HEY, WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF SUDDENLY A MARCHING BAND CAME OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW AND STARTED PLAYING?

Punch, Bob Foster, and I rushed to the airport to catch the next flight to Washington, D.C. Bob Foster got the tickets and we all got on the line to go through security.

“Remember, Funny Boy,” Bob Foster warned me, “no jokes. They don’t like it when you make jokes on the security line.”

“Who, me?” I said. “You know I would never make jokes for no reason.”

We were almost at the front of the line when a lady wearing a uniform told me I needed to take off my shoes.

“Sure,” I said, as I took them off. “Is this casual Friday? I didn’t realize you folks were so relaxed around here. Do you need me to take off my cape and fake nose and glasses too?”

“Just the shoes, please.”

“Speaking of shoes,” I asked her, “what type of shoes does a frog wear?”

“I don’t know,” the lady said.

“Open toad.”

I expected her to double over in laughter, but the security lady didn’t even smile. I took that as a challenge, and searched my vast memory for another shoe joke I could tell her.

“Knock knock,” I said.

“Who’s there?”

“Wooden shoe,” I said.

“Wooden shoe who?” she asked.

“Wooden shoe like to know?” I told her.

No reaction. Not even a hint of a smile. Oh, this lady was
good
.

“Get out of here before I put you under arrest,” she said.

“That reminds me,” I said to her, “what did the policeman say to his stomach?”

“What?” the lady asked.

“You’re under a vest.”

“I said get
out
of here!”

Boy, that lady is good at holding in her laughter! But she has no sole.

Get it? Sole? Shoes?

Forget it.

Meanwhile, in Toad Suck, Arkansas, a hatch opened up in the spaceship that had landed near the Sock Hop Diner. A long ramp was lowered to the ground, and a conveyor belt on the ramp began to move.

One by one, equipment began to emerge from the spaceship and slide down the ramp. A large dental chair. An X-ray machine. A sink. A movable light. Various drills and dental equipment.

(By the way, Toad Suck, Arkansas, is a real place that is thirty-seven miles north of Little Rock. According to legend, it was named “Toad Suck” because the rivermen on the ferry drank so many bottles of booze that they swelled up like toads.)

Ha! And you thought this was just going to be some silly joke book with no educational value.

THIS IS WHERE FUNNY BOY MEETS WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. WELL, NOT THE REAL PRESIDENT. JUST SOME FAKE GUY. THIS WAY, WE DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE THE BOOK EVERY TIME THERE’S A NEW PRESIDENT. PRETTY SMART, HUH?

Bob Foster, Punch, and I just made the flight in time and rushed to the White House in Washington. A guard met us at the gate.

“I have been summoned to vanquish an alien invader who is intent on destroying Earth,” I announced.

“Take a hike, sonny boy,” the guard said.

“The name is
Funny
Boy,” I corrected him, “and I’m not in the mood for hiking or any other type of exercise right now.”

After ten minutes of begging and pleading, the guard got on his walkie-talkie. Soon Punch, Bob Foster, and I were ushered into the Oval Office.

The president was sitting at his desk. Well, he was actually sitting
behind
his desk. But that sounds like he was sitting on the floor, hiding behind his desk.

President Myles Purgallin is a tall, short man who was naked under his clothes. If I was asked to describe his face, I would say he had two eyes, a nose in the middle, and an ear on either side of his head. He was clean-shaven, except for his beard and mustache.

“Dummy Boy,” he said, shaking my hand, “it is so good to see you again.”

“Why?” I asked. “Were you temporarily blinded?”

President Purgallin opened one of his desk drawers and took out a blue postcard.

“This is why I called you here,” he said as he handed me the postcard. It had an Arkansas postmark on it. This is what it said:

YOU ARE DUE FOR A DENTAL CHECKUP!

NAME
:
PRESIDENT MYLES PURGALLIN

TIME
:
APRIL 20, 2 P.M.

WHERE
:
A GRASSY FIELD NEAR THE SOCK HOP DINER, TOAD SUCK, ARKANSAS

“April twentieth is tomorrow,” I said. “So you have a dentist appointment. What’s the big deal?”

He looked at me for a ridiculously long time, mainly so there would be a dramatic pause. Scary music started playing from hidden speakers.

“This postcard is
not
from my dentist!”

IF YOU READ THIS BOOK AND TELL TEN FRIENDS TO READ IT, YOU WILL HAVE TEN PEOPLE WHO ARE NO LONGER YOUR FRIENDS.

I still didn’t get it. Maybe the postcard got sent to the wrong address. Maybe the dentist was trying to get new patients. Maybe the president’s regular dentist had run away to join the circus as a fire-eater, and this new guy was taking his place. It could mean
anything
.

“My secretary called to check on the appointment,” President Purgallin said. “The guy who picked up the phone said he was an alien, and that he was going to destroy Earth. And get this—his name was . . .”

There was more scary music.

“. . . Denny!”

“Denny?” I asked. “Like the fast food chain?”

“The point is that it starts with a D, you dope!” yelled the President. “A . . . B . . . C . . . D! It’s the next alien invasion!”

“Why would a dentist want to destroy Earth?” asked Bob Foster.

“Maybe he wants to wear a crown,” I suggested. “Get it? Dentist? Crown? Teeth?”

“This is serious, Bunny Boy!” shouted the president.

“Maybe this Denny guy was just in a bad mood,” I suggested. “Everybody gets cranky from time to time.”

“He wasn’t in a bad mood,” said the president. “In fact, he was laughing. It was an evil cackling laugh. It was haunting.”

“Well, if he had an evil, cackling, haunting laugh, he
must
want to destroy the world,” said Punch.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “In the movies, villains who want to take over the world always have an evil, cackling, haunting laugh.”

“Now you see why I sent for you, Monkey Boy,” the president said. “I need you to save the world again.”

“It’s
Funny
Boy,” I corrected him. “Why does it always have to be me? Why don’t you just send in the navy to save the world this time?”

“How is the navy going to get to Toad Suck, Arkansas?” asked the president. “There are no oceans there.”

“Couldn’t you airlift the boats in?” I asked.

“No boats in Arkansas!” the president yelled.

“What about the army?” asked Bob Foster. “Isn’t it
their
job to defend the country from bad guys?”

“What would I tell the public?” asked President Purgallin. “I’m sending the United States Army to war against a
dentist
?”

“Good point,” said Punch. “Now I see why the people elected you to be the leader of the free world.”

“So far, we’ve been able to keep this alien landing out of the news,” said the president. “We said that a Hollywood production company is filming a movie about an alien invasion. As long as people think it’s just a movie, nobody will get alarmed. The public just
loves
alien invasion movies. But soon the people will catch on that it’s not just a movie. That’s why I need you, Sonny Boy. You’re our only hope.”

“What about Bob Hope?” I asked. “He’s a Hope.”

“He’s dead.”

“The alien dentist killed Bob Hope?” I shouted. “Now I’m
really
mad! How do we get to Toad Suck? I’m going in!”

“I’ll put you on my private jet,” the president said. “Good luck to you, Honey Boy.”

“It’s
Funny
Boy!” I shouted. “Funny with an F.”

“Whatever.”