FIVE
Anger Displaced
136 “anger is the acme of self-assertion”: G. Stanley Hall, in a paper entitled “Anger as a Primary Emotion,” given during the 1915 meeting of the American Psychopathological Association.
136 “Just let the words come out of this beautiful throat of yours”: From the transcript entitled “Forgiving Parents,” reprinted in Steve Andreas,
Virginia Satir: The Patterns of Her Magic
(Moab, Utah: Real People Press, 1999), p. 71.
137 “dull and monotonous”: Marian F. Fatout,
Models for Change in Social Group Work
(Piscataway, N.J.: Aldine Transaction, 1992), p. 179.
137 as if lacking the air to maintain a “full, rich voice”: Virginia Satir,
The New Peoplemaking
(Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, 1988), p. 85.
139 “[Nonviolence] does not mean meek submission”: Richard Attenborough, ed.
The Words of Gandhi
(New York: Newmarket Press, 1982), p. 134.
140 “compares anger to a crying baby”: Thich Nhat Hanh,
Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames
(New York: Riverhead Trade, 2002), p. 27.
141 “The grief process begins with a decision”: Karyl McBride,
When Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
(New York: Free Press, 2008), p. 143.
142 Lachesis is the poisonous venom of the bushmaster snake: Alan Schmukler,
Homeopathy: An A to Z Home Handbook
(Woodbury, Minn.: Llewellyn Publications, 2006), p. 19.
143 Psychological anthropologist Michelle Rosaldo wrote that
liget
represents a will to compete: Michelle Rosaldo,
Knowledge and Passion: Ilongot Notions of Self and Social Life
(Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 1980), p. 49.
147 In
Homeopathic Psychology
, I read about and relate to the “Sweet Staphysagria”: Bailey, p. 323.
152
A part of a healthy conscience is being able to confront consciencelessness:
Martha Stout,
The Sociopath Next Door
(New York: Broadway, 2006), p. 100.
153
Once the Staphysagria's old, subconscious anger has been brought to the fore:
Bailey
,
p. 322.
156 “Girls often play the piano loudly”: G. Stanley Hall, in a paper entitled “Anger As a Primary Emotion,” given during the 1915 meeting of the American Psychopathological Association.
161 (
the Staphysagria patient often trembles when she is enraged
): See Vinton McCabe,
Practical Homeopathy: A Comprehensive Guide to Homeopathic Remedies and Their Acute Uses
(New York: St. Martin's Press, 2000) or D. D. Banerjee, “Staphysagria,”
A Textbook of Homeopathic Pharmacy
, 2nd ed. (New Delhi: B. Jain Publishers, 2002), p. 361.
168 “Without free access to these facts”: Miller, p. 43.
169 “There's this anthropologist, Robert Levy”: Carol Tavris,
Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1982), p. 69.
169 “There's this pediatrician, Daniel G. Freedman”: Ibid., p. 81
169 “the most hideous and frenzied of all the emotions”: Seneca, “On Anger,”
Seneca: Moral Essays
, v. 1, translated by John W. Basore (Cambridge, Mass.: Loeb Classical Library, 1928), p. 107.
Conniption
173 “Let us picture anger”: Seneca, “On Anger,”
Seneca: Moral Essays,
p. 247.
180 “[r]epressed memories of the shy”: Miller, p. 85.
189 Virginia Satir thought that there will always be aspects of ourselves that we do not know: See Satir,
The New Peoplemaking
, p. 28: “I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.”
192 see our parents as almighty Old Testament gods: See Barbara Jo Brothers, ed.,
Virginia Satir: Foundational Ideas
(Binghamton, N.Y.: Haworth Press, 1991), p. 108.
198 “The humiliated grown daughter . . . will revenge herself upon her own children”: Miller, p. 74.
199-200 someone who expresses her own humanness: See Satir,
The New Peoplemaking
, p. 228: “Children have much more trust in humanness than they do in sainthood and perfection.” Throughout the book, this is what Satir refers to as “humanness,” of which “uniqueness” is a factor.
200 “looking phony”: Ibid., p. 230.
236 Virginia Satir said, “[A]nger is not a vice”: Satir,
The New Peoplemaking
, p. 122.
240 “restraint of anger became a fundamental part of good character training”: Stearns and Stearns,
Anger
, pp. 72-73.
240 parents' “sacred duty”: Flora H. Williams, “You and Your Children,” as found in Stearns and Stearns,
Anger
, p. 72.
241 The same temper “that smashes a childhood toy” can “kill a man when the child is grown”: R. Gordon Kelley, “Mother Was a Lady: Self and Society in Selected American Periodicals,” as found in Stearns and Stearns,
Anger
, p. 72.
241 Hall and his supporters criticized parents: Stearns and Stearns,
Anger
, p. 73.
241 “Other [child-rearing experts]”: Ibid, p. 74.
241 a sign of “weak will” and “decaying intellectual power”: Ibid, p. 76.
241-42 a “certain choleric vein gives zest and force to all acts”: G. Stanley Hall, as quoted in Stearns and Stearns,
Anger
, p. 76.
242 “a creature under demonical possession”: Ibid.
242 Somehow, this idea that anger can be beneficial: Stearns and Stearns,
Anger
, p. 160.
242 Mr. Rogers asked questions like “This makes you feel angry, doesn't it?”: Ibid.
242 it is generally bad and “cannot be turned to good”: Ibid, p. 161.
243 “bribing them to minimize tension”: Ibid.
243 “Anger demanded more care and loomed larger as a priority than it ever had before”: Ibid, p. 162.
243 “assure their angry children that they knew how they felt”: Ibid, p. 163.
246 Virginia Satir says change in families is a three-step process: Satir and Baldwin,
Satir Step by Step
, p. 209.
246 a hopeful family is willing to do things a new way: Ibid, p. 220.
Aftermath
266 “Do you know what makes it possible for me to trust the unknown?”: “Becoming More Fully Human with Virginia Satir,” interview transcript from
Thinking Allowed, Conversations on the Leading Edge of Knowledge and Discovery
, with Jeffrey Mishlove (
www.intuition.org/txt/satir2.htm
).
273 “Quarrels in France”: Ned Rorem,
The Paris Diary of Ned Rorem: With a Portrait of the Diarist by Robert Phelps
(New York: George Braziller, 1966), p. 34.
284 Virginia Satir believed all feelings (even fear, humiliation, anger, helplessness, and hopelessness) are the ready-made bases: Satir,
The New Peoplemaking
, pp. 232-33.
288 “With the Sweet Staphysagria . . . anger and resentment are repressed”:
Homeopathic Psychology
, p. 323.
291 “gives a deep unconscious âyes' to her roots”: Brothers, p. 117.
293
But, does love make you always happy?:
“Being Happy, Making Happy Is the Rhythm of Life,”
I Am That: Dialogues of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
(anandavala .
info/miscl/I_Am_That.pdf
), p. 186.
293 Satir wrote, “I own what comes out of me”: Satir,
The New Peoplemaking
, p.237.
294 in Lee Sandlin's article “Losing the War”: Lee Sandlin, “Losing the War,”
The New Kings of Nonfiction
, Ira Glass, ed. (New York: Riverhead, 2007), pp. 315-61.
301 Virginia Satir says, “When someone takes a risk”: Satir and Baldwin, p. 217.
302 “Pregnancy is exciting!” cheers a line in one of my pregnancy books: Glade B. Curtis,
Your Pregnancy Week by Week
, 6th ed. (Cambridge, Mass.: Da Capo Press, 2007).
303 what Laurie Lee once called a “child of herself ”: Laurie Lee,
I Can't Stay Long
(London: Andre Deutsch, 1975), p. 78.
306 “The problem is âout there' and anger is the build-up of energy needed to solve it”: C. George Boeree, “General Psychology: Emotion,” Psychology Department, Shippensburg University (
webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/emotions.html
).
307 Virginia Satir was right when she said that change is possible for everyone: Virginia Satir, John Banmen, Jane Gerber, and Maria Gomor,
The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond
(Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior, 1991), p. 92.
309 It was a passage describing what change would look like: Virginia Satir,
Conjoint Family Therapy
, 3rd ed. (Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior, 1983), p. 256.
309 A changed placater, Satir had also written, “can transform her wish to please others”: Satir and Baldwin, p. 201.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I can't imagine where I'd be without the loyal encouragement and unfailing wisdom of my editor, Molly Stern. Laura Tisdel's unsparing insight was invaluable, as were continued readings by my agent, Binky Urban. I owe my career as a writer to everyone Viking: Clare Ferraro; the publicity department, particularly Carolyn Coleburn, Sonya Cheuse, and Kate Lloyd; marketing; production and the art department that dreams up my books' striking covers. Thank you to John Pelosi and the rest of the legal department, as well as the copy editors and fact-checkers who authenticated four years' worth of research. Liz Van House and Kendra Harpster provided fresh perspectives that helped bring this book to completion. I'm grateful to the universities and communities that have welcomed me in the years since the publication of
Smashed,
and I'm indebted to Ken Eisenstein, Flip Porter, Beth White, and everyone at the American Program Bureau who helps make these visits possible. Thank you to Josie Freedman, Liz Farrell, and all at ICM; Web site designer Mary K. Elkins; childbirth educator Michele Reinbach; and midwife Maureen Reyson. Finally, my love goes out to everyone who lent me their help and stood by me through an emotional writing process: Mom and Dad, Tom and Nikki DiOrio, David and Joan Lehmann, the Hamilton tribe (David, Carol, Josh, Rachel, Ross, Rea, and Steve), Alyssa Fedele and the talented filmmakers at Collective Hunch, Devon Banks, Paulette Kouffman Sherman, Rolf Gates, Austin Carty, Matt/Max Heering, BrakesBrakesBrakes (or Brakes in their native Britain), Tine Deturk, and the warmhearted village of Romainville, France.