Authors: Sylvain Reynard
Centre for Medieval Studies
University of Toronto
A bitter laugh that he recognized as coming from his own throat echoed in the room. Of course, that would be the message she believed—not the others. He’d lost her now. What hope was there without her?
Gabriel thought back to a conversation he’d had with her about Grace’s favorite book,
A Severe Mercy
. It was clear in the story that the main characters thought that they’d made an idol of their love—worshipping it and each other to their own detriment. He’d done the same with Julianne, he knew. He’d worshipped her very being, convinced that she was the light that would shine in his darkness.
He’d loved her enough to leave her in order to protect her future. And having left her, he was in peril of never possessing her love again. It was the bitterest twist of fate, that his love for his Beatrice would be precisely what separated him from her.
And what of Paul? Surely he’d use this as an opportunity to comfort Julia. And where would that comfort lead…Gabriel couldn’t entertain the idea that she would be unfaithful. But he knew through her messages that she thought it was over. Paul would simply have to provide a shoulder for her to lean on and he’d be back in her life, in her apartment, in her thoughts.
Angelfucker.
The only relief he could find, if relief it was, would be to torture himself with music and poetry. He clicked a button, and Sting’s retelling of the story of David and Bathsheba filled the room. As the song swirled in the air, he gazed at Dante’s poetic reflection on the death of Beatrice and found his heart echoing the words from
La Vita Nuova
.
“An abject wretch like this
May not imagine anything of her,—
He needs no bitter tears for his relief.
But sighing comes, and grief,
And the desire to find no comforter,
(Save only Death, who makes all sorrow brief,)
To him who for a while turns in his thought
How she hath been among us, and is not.
With sighs my bosom always laboureth
On thinking, as I do continually.
Of her for whom my heart now breaks apace;
And very often when I think of death,
Such a great inward longing comes to me
That it will change the colour of my face;
And, if the idea settles in its place.
All my limbs shake as with an ague-fit;
Till, starting up in wild bewilderment,
I do become so shent
That I go forth, lest folk misdoubt of it.
Afterward, calling with a sore lament
On Beatrice, I ask, ‘Canst thou be dead?’
And calling on her, I am comforted.”
Gabriel closed the document on his computer and traced a light finger over the photograph of the lovely woman who graced his computer screen. He would discharge his duty over the next few days, but he would do so without his Beatrice to comfort him. In her absence, perhaps he would succumb to his old temptations to deaden the pain.
On a Friday afternoon in mid-April, Julia arrived at Rachel and Aaron’s apartment in Philadelphia. Rachel had planned on visiting her in Toronto and bringing the bridesmaid dress with her, but she had trouble getting the time off work. Since she was trying to save her vacation days for the honeymoon, Julia agreed to leave the comfortable confines of her hobbit hole, instead.
Rachel welcomed her friend with a hug, escorting her to the living room. Julia eyed the binders of samples and swatches that covered the coffee table.
“So the wedding planning is finished?”
Rachel shook her head. “Not quite. But I don’t want to talk about the wedding; I want to talk about you.” She eyed her friend with a concerned look. “This thing with you and Gabriel was a complete shock.”
Julia winced. “To me too.”
“He won’t return our calls or answer our emails, and believe me, we’ve tried. Scott copied me on the email he sent, and it was scathing.
“Did you know that Gabriel was in Selinsgrove a couple of weeks ago?”
“Selinsgrove?” Julia was dumbfounded. “I thought he was in Italy.”
“Why would he go there?”
“To finish his book. To get away from me.”
“The jackass,” Rachel cursed. “Have you heard from him?”
“Yes. He emailed to notify me that it was over.” Julia retrieved her purse. She pulled out two keys and a security pass and handed them to her friend. “These are his.”
Rachel gazed at the objects with confusion. “What am I supposed to do with them?”
“Keep them. Or give them to your father. I would have mailed them to Gabriel, but since he doesn’t want contact…”
Rachel placed the offending items on one of her wedding binders. Then, thinking better of it, she dumped his things into a drawer in one of the end tables, closing it with an oath.
“I know he went to my parents’ old house because one of the neighbors called my dad. Apparently, Gabriel was up at all hours playing loud music and prowling around outside.”
Julia’s mind instantly went to the orchard. It seemed reasonable, she thought, for him to take solace in the one place he’d always been at peace—his Paradise. But since she was tangled up in his memories of that space, she wondered at him going there. Shaking her head, she put the thought from her mind.
Rachel faced her friend. “I don’t understand why he would do this. Gabriel loves you. He isn’t the kind of person to love easily, or to say those words without meaning them. That kind of love doesn’t disappear overnight.”
“Maybe he loved his job more. Or maybe he decided to go back to her.”
“Paulina? Is that what this is about? You didn’t tell me that.” Rachel’s eyes flashed.
“Up until a year and a half ago, they were still—involved.”
“What?”
“At Christmas, we were fighting about her and, uh, other things. He told me their history was more recent than I thought.”
“I never so much as heard her name until the day she showed up at my parents’ house.”
“I knew about her. But when he and I first started dating, he made it sound as if he ended things with her back at Harvard. In reality, he’d been carrying on with her for years.”
“You can’t believe that he’d leave you for her, after Florence, after everything.”
“I can believe anything now,” Julia said coolly.
Rachel groaned, placing her hands over her eyes. “What a mess. My dad is really upset and so is Scott. When he found out that Gabriel was in Selinsgrove, he decided to drive out there so he could knock some sense into him.”
“And did he?”
“Tammy needed him to babysit her little boy. So Scott decided that he could kick Gabriel’s ass another time.”
Julia smiled wryly. “I can imagine that conversation.”
“Scott is head over heels for Tammy. It’s pretty sickening.”
“I’m glad they’re coming for dinner.”
Rachel looked at her watch. “I should probably start cooking. They’ll arrive early so they can feed Quinn first. Scott’s life has completely changed. Everything revolves around the baby’s schedule.”
Julia followed her host into the kitchen. “What does your dad think of her?”
Rachel began rummaging in the fridge. “He likes her. He adores the baby. You’d think Quinn was his grandson.”
She placed the ingredients for a salad on the counter. “Do you really think Gabriel would go back to Paulina?”
Julia couldn’t bring herself to say the word aloud, but yes, she thought it was possible. He’d changed a great deal of his life and his coping mechanisms for her. Now that their relationship was over, it was possible he’d return to his old life.
“She’s familiar territory,” Julia said.
“You make it sound as if she’s western Europe.” Rachel leaned against the counter. “Do you think the university demanded that he break things off with you?”
“Yes, but how is something like that enforceable? Can they make him leave the city? Can they tell him what to do in his personal life, when he’s on a leave of absence? If Gabriel wanted to talk to me, he could have called. He didn’t. The university handed him a convenient way to break up with me. He was probably planning it for a while.” Julia crossed her arms around her chest. It was easier to give voice to her deepest fears with Rachel than to dwell on them when she was alone.
“What a mess,” Rachel repeated, turning to wash her hands.
In the wee hours of the morning, Rachel and Julia were sprawled across the sofa in their bathrobes, drinking wine and giggling. Scott, Tammy, and Quinn had long since left, and Aaron had been asleep for hours. They could hear reverberations of his snoring echo down the hall.
Bolstered by a very good Pinot noir, Julia described what had happened at the hearing, and Rachel, to her credit, resisted interrupting her.
“I don’t think Gabriel would give you up just to keep his job. He doesn’t need the money, and he can always work somewhere else. What I don’t understand is why he wasn’t more explicit about what he was doing. Why didn’t he grab you afterward and say
I love you but we need to wait.”
Rachel giggled drunkenly. “Knowing Gabriel, he would have recited something in iambic pentameter just because he could.”
“He mentioned something about Peter Abelard, but it wasn’t comforting. Abelard kept his relationship with Héloise secret so he wouldn’t lose his teaching position. Then he sent her to a convent.”
Rachel reached over to pick up a pillow and threw it at her friend’s head. “He isn’t going to send you to a convent. He loves you. And I refuse to believe otherwise.”
Julia clutched the pillow to her chest as she reclined on her side. “If he loved me, he wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t have broken up with me via email.”
“Do you really think that Gabriel was stringing you along for fun?”
“No. But that doesn’t matter now.”
Rachel yawned loudly. “Whatever he did, he screwed up. I’m wondering if he isn’t trying to protect you in some way.”
“He could have texted me and said just that.”
Rachel threw an arm over her eyes. “That’s the part I don’t understand. He could have asked us to give you a message. He could have written you a letter. Why didn’t Gabriel tell the university to shove it?”
Julia rolled onto her back, asking herself a similar question.
Rachel retrieved her cell phone from the coffee table. “Do you want to call him?”
“No.”
“Why not? Maybe he’ll answer, thinking it’s me.”
“It’s the middle of the night and I’m drunk. It’s not exactly the best time to have a conversation. Plus, he told me not to contact him.”
Rachel shook the phone in front of her. “If you’re hurting, so is he.”
“I left him a message saying that if he ever wants to talk to me, he needs to do it face to face. I’m not calling him again.” Julia downed the last of her wine in one swallow.
“Maybe he’ll be at graduation.” Julia sighed, a wistful look on her face. All her anger and frustration hadn’t eliminated her longing for him. At least, not all of it.
“When’s graduation?”
“June eleventh.”
Rachel swore obliquely at the lateness of the date.
After a few minutes of shared silence, Julia decided to voice one of her other, greater fears.
“Rachel?”
“Uh huh?”
“What if he sleeps with her?”
Rachel was quiet for a moment. So quiet, Julia began to repeat the question, but her friend interrupted. “If Gabriel were cruel, then maybe he’d screw someone else. But I can’t imagine him doing that and thinking that you’d forgive him.”
“If he’s with someone else and you find out about it, tell me.” Julia gave her friend a pleading look. “It would be better to hear it from you.”
* * *
“Darling, open your eyes.”
His voice was warm and thick as he moved inside her, distributing his weight to his forearms. He leaned down to draw the delicate skin from the inside of her bicep into his mouth, kissing and sucking on it. It was just enough to tease her and perhaps to leave a gentle mark. He knew this drove her mad.
“I can’t,” she gasped, in between moans. Every time he moved it sent the most wonderful sensations coursing through her body.
Until he stopped.
Suddenly, her eyelids fluttered open.
He rubbed his nose against hers and smiled. “I need to see you.” His gaze was gentle but intense, as if he were holding back the flame of desire momentarily.
“It’s hard for me to keep my eyes open.” She groaned a little as he moved inside her once again.
“Try for me.” He kissed her softly. “I love you so much.”
“Then why did you leave me?”
Gabriel looked down on her with dismay, his blue eyes narrowing. “I didn’t…”
* * *
That same evening Gabriel was lying in the center of the bed, eyes closed, while she trailed leisurely open-mouthed kisses across his pectorals, pausing reverently to kiss his tattoo, before extending her attentions to his abdominals. An oath left his mouth as she ran her fingers lightly up and down the well-defined muscles before swirling a tongue around his navel.
It has been so long
…
That was the thought that came to mind as she gently traced the skin and strands of hair before reaching a hand down to grasp him firmly. He shifted his hips. She was stroking him now, and he was panting, begging. She teased him unhurriedly as her long, silky hair caressed the tops of his thighs, before taking him into the warm wetness of her mouth.
Gabriel muttered a surprised expletive as he gave himself over to the sensations, before weaving his fingers into her hair.
He froze.
A sick feeling bubbled up in his stomach as he remembered what happened the last time he’d done this. He withdrew his hand immediately, worried that he’d frightened her.
“I’m sorry.” He extended a single finger to trace her cheek. “I forgot.”
A cold hand caught him by the wrist before forcing him to grasp her head roughly.
“What did you forget?” she taunted. “How to enjoy a blow job?”
Gabriel’s eyes flew open. In absolute horror he looked down into a pair of laughing blue eyes.
Paulina was naked and crouched over him, smiling triumphantly as she held him close to her mouth. Gabriel recoiled, cursing and crowding backward against the headboard while she sat on her heels, watching him.
She laughed and pointed to his nose, indicating that he should wipe the traces of cocaine from his nostrils.
What have I done?
He scrubbed his face roughly with both hands. As the enormity of his depravity sunk in, he retched, dry heaving over the side of the bed. When he came to himself, he held out his left hand to show her his ring—but there was none.
The wedding ring was gone.
Paulina laughed again and began crawling toward him, eyes feral, her naked body brushing against his own.