Authors: Melissa Foster
“Well, that doesn’t happen anymore. Now there are more kids from low-income families, and they’re often from troubled families. They face the additional challenges of poverty and are sometimes several years behind their peers. Many times one parent has been in trouble with the law and they can’t afford the things they need, so they go without or their older siblings work to help the family, or in many cases, steal and get into other types of trouble.”
She stopped talking and looked at his hand, which was now caressing her other arm. She smiled and took his hand in hers, drawing his eyes to hers, distracting him from touching her.
“Those kids need a different way of learning altogether. Where each child in an upper-income school has a laptop and programs available, the lower-income schools have half as many.”
This was the Ellie Dex knew so well. The take-charge, pull-it-together-and-make-it-work Ellie.
If only you could be that way with your personal life, too
.
Maybe one day, if I love you enough. If you feel safe enough
.
“And what’s the solution?” He knew she had a solution. She always had a solution, even if sometimes that solution was running away.
“I don’t know. But I know that I don’t want to work somewhere that the kids aren’t the primary focus. I don’t care about statistics and meeting the school’s goals as much as I care about the individual children finding their path to learning what they need to learn. I know that as a teacher, the other stuff should be vitally important, but it’s their learning that I want to be a part of. At the end of the day, I want to know I’ve done everything I possibly could to help them, not everything I could to ensure the statistics are met. That will come with successful learning, but I don’t think it needs to be the focus.” She fiddled with a seam on her jeans.
He wanted to fiddle with her jeans. He suppressed the urge to run his hands down her thighs.
“I know it’s a little Pollyanna of me, but I’ve done some research and there are government programs that offer grants to develop educational software programs for kids. I can’t help but believe that there would have to be a way to make the resources they do have—even if they only have half as much—work for the entire class. Software that would have elements for teaching grammar, math, and even history in some kind of fashion that would make it fun for kids to use.”
“Like…some kind of MMO where the kids share the platform and instead of games they’re using educational software?” Dex’s mind clicked into high gear.
“I’m not sure what an MMO is, but the idea is shared computers, shared software, somehow…”
“An MMO is a massive multiplayer online game. It enables lots of kids to play the same game at the same time. But you don’t have to go that direction. It’s just a cool idea. Maybe something with its own platform.” His mind was spinning down a developmental path, moving way too far ahead of the idea stage Ellie was playing with.
“Platform?” Ellie shook her head.
“Yeah, a system, like Xbox or PlayStation, only you use it for educational purposes instead of gaming. Anyway, the software runs on the platform. I’m just thinking out loud here, but as you conceptualize the software, it’s something to consider. Kids can share the platforms.” He saw the confusion in Ellie’s eyes. “You know what? I’m getting way ahead of myself. I’m sorry. This is your baby. Let’s just focus on the grant end of things.”
“I know it’s a long shot, but I can’t believe that entire schools of children aren’t being taught all they can be because of limited funding. What does it say about our world if kids are statistics and their futures depend on the resources available to them?”
Dex laughed a little. “But that’s exactly what our world is, El. You know that. And it’s not just that. Hell, I feel like even what I do hinders kids and their learning.”
“How so?”
“I love gaming; you know that. But lately, there’s this strange thing that goes on in my head. I feel like I’m achieving everything I always dreamed of, and I’m making millions of kids…gamers...happy, but I’m also feeding into the sedentary lifestyle that comes with gaming that I really despise. Kids are becoming couch potatoes. Hell, they were couch potatoes when we were young. Remember? I spent hours in front of my computer, too. I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it’s like now they’re not socializing in person. They don’t even flirt in person anymore. Foreplay is all done on phones and message boards. It’s crazy. We’re all so plugged in these days, which is great, but…I don’t know. I guess I feel like kids are spending all their time playing games instead of experiencing life, and it’s been bugging me, which is kind of stupid, because I don’t do much besides gaming, either.”
“Yeah, but you can’t really change everyone else,” Ellie said.
“I know, and I’m not sure what you’re proposing, but it’s something I’d like to think about. Helping the educational side of kids’ lives as much as the entertainment side seems like a meaningful thing to do.”
“I’m not sure what I’m proposing either. I just know that I want to be part of something that helps solve the problems, not a part of pushing the issues aside in order to meet a statistical need.”
Dex brushed her hair from her shoulder. He grazed his lips over her neck, then kissed her softly. “That’s one of the things I admire most about you. You’ve always wanted to help others.”
“I’ve…I’ve never been in a real position to help anyone,” she admitted.
He loved hearing the hitch in her voice, knowing his touch was getting to her. “You helped me.”
She laughed and playfully pushed at his chest. He caught her hand in his, locking eyes with her. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed each finger, then trailed kisses up her wrist.
“When…Oh God, Dex.” His name was a heated whisper. “When have I ever helped you with anything? You’ve always been there for me, but you’ve never needed anyone.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Ellie. Have you really forgotten all the times you pulled me through?”
She shook her head and pulled her hand from his grasp. “You’ve got it wrong. It was the other way around.”
No way in hell did he have it wrong. When his father said things to him that made him want to crawl under a rock, she was there to lift his spirits up. In high school, when he was lost in development of his first computer game, she sat right by his side at a time when other kids ignored him or left him alone because he seemed aloof or too much of an egghead. She didn’t make him feel weird. In some ways, she was
his
savior. He knew if he reminded her, she’d shove it under the carpet, like it was no big deal, or maybe over the edge of the balcony altogether. It
was
a big deal, but Ellie had never been very good at acknowledging her feelings, until earlier, in the alley. Dex wasn’t taking any chances of breaking the moment. He let their silence carry her statement away.
“My new bank card should arrive tomorrow and I have another interview, so hopefully I’ll get a job and be able to start looking for a place to live.”
The thought sent a pain through his gut. “Stay. Even if you get a job, there’s no reason to rush into a year-long lease somewhere.”
Her gaze softened. He could get lost in her eyes. “Dex, I’m not sure I’ll ever be what you want me to be.”
He clenched his jaw.
Damn it. Will it always come down to this?
“I don’t know if I have it in me.”
“Damn it, Ellie. Why do you even say those things? You have what it takes to love someone. But maybe you just don’t want to love me.” He looked away, afraid he’d say something else he knew he would regret.
“You know, you’re the only man I’m sure I have
ever
loved, Dex. But you want a woman who knows how to stay. You want a woman who can deal with issues head-on.”
“Wait. What did you just say?” He locked eyes with her.
She drew her brows together. “That you want a woman who can deal with issues?”
“No. Rewind. Before that.”
Her eyes glazed over again.
“I’m the only man that you’ve ever loved. You said it and I heard it. Did you mean it?”
Please tell me you meant it, for Christ’s sake
.
“Dex.” Her eyes begged him not to make her answer.
His body tensed. “Tell me, Ellie. Did you mean it?”
Her eyes widened, then narrowed as contemplation washed over her face. She drew in a long breath and inched her mouth into a firm line.
“Jesus, Ellie.” He pushed to his feet. “What the hell is all of this? I know it’s been a long time, but what we had then and what we have now…It sure as hell feels real.”
She looked down.
“I know you love me, Ellie, and you know you do, too. Whatever it was that made you run from Maryland back to New York must have hurt the hell out of you. I get that, okay? You know that if anyone does, I do. But I can’t do this over and over again. When I saw you in that bar, my heart stopped. I wanted to run, Ellie, because of everything you’ve already put me through, but I wanted to be with you more than I wanted to run. And now? Now I’m just fucking confused.”
Ellie rose to her feet. “Don’t you think I’m confused?”
“No, I don’t think you’re confused. I know you’re confused. But unlike you, I want to fix my confusion. I’m standing right here, six inches from you, and I’m all ears.”
She nibbled on her lower lip, and he knew she wasn’t going to say a damned thing.
“Great.” He felt his heart shatter once again, just like it had twice before. He was an idiot. A fucking loser. Ellie Parker was never going to change, and unfortunately, he wasn’t sure he knew how to change his goddamn heart. “I need to clear my head. If I go for a walk, are you gonna take off before I get back?” He swallowed the lump that clung to his throat.
He saw it in her eyes. She was sliding back into that silent place.
Goddamn it
. “Ellie.” He reached for her. She took a step backward. “Ellie, I’m sorry. Don’t go reticent on me, please. This is so hard. I’m trying. I’m really trying to stay with you, to stay with us, but I don’t know what you expect of me. I hurt, Ellie. Every fucking time that you clamp down on your feelings. Every time you shut me out, it’s like a gunshot to my heart. A man can love a woman for only so long without it being reciprocated. On some level you must know that.”
Just as I know it’s a fucking lie. I’ll always love you.
She nodded.
The silent nod
.
Fuck
. He couldn’t walk away from her. It would only push her to take off again. He knew she would, and he wasn’t ready to take that chance. But damn it, he didn’t want to stand there looking at the woman whom he was sure he loved more than anything in the world, which was fucking crazy because she didn’t know how to love him back.
ELLIE FISTED HER hands. Her gut twisted. She couldn’t let Dex walk out of her life. That was
her
job. She walked out, not Dex. Dex never left. She watched him turn away and step into the living room.
Get him. Don’t let him go
. She was frozen in place by disbelief.
He crossed the floor and headed for the foyer.
No! Don’t!
She couldn’t stop him. She couldn’t promise she wouldn’t leave. She wanted to promise—God, how she wanted to promise. Anything to keep him by her side—but she didn’t know how. How could she make a promise she wasn’t sure she could keep?
The door opened, and she listened as the latch closed and locked behind him. The sound started deep in her belly and grew to a low, agonizing moan. It took a second for her to realize it was coming from her own lungs. “No!” She sprinted out the door and pushed the elevator button again and again. “Come on. Come on.” She pushed it again. “Hurry. Hurry.”
The elevator doors opened, and she flew inside and pushed the button for the lobby. “Hurry up. Come on.” He’d be long gone by the time she reached the ground floor. The elevator doors closed as if they had rheumatoid arthritis, slow and painful. She watched the numbers light up as it descended to the lobby. The doors began to open, and she turned sideways and pushed herself through and flew out the front door of the complex, smacking right into the wall of Dex’s chest.
“Ellie?”
“Don’t go. Dex, please. Don’t go.” She gasped for breath, clinging to his shirt. “Please.”
“I couldn’t. I got out here and had to turn back. I was just coming back in.”
She couldn’t think past her thundering heart.
You were coming back
.
You’re here.
“You didn’t leave,” she panted. She ran her hands up and down his chest, making sure of him.
Dex took her hands in his and brought them to his lips. He pressed soft kisses to her fingers, then lowered his mouth to hers. Ellie released all of her fear, and all of her emotion, and let her heart take over. She kissed him like he was the very strength she needed to survive, and in many ways, he was. When he pulled back and looked into her eyes, she knew she’d do whatever it took to learn to stay.
She poked him in the chest. “Don’t do that again.”
He flashed his cockeyed grin. “Are you kidding me? Look at the reward I got for leaving. If I’d known I’d get a kiss like that, I’d have left every time I saw you.”
She poked him again, and he grabbed her finger and pulled her into another delicious kiss. Ellie pressed so close to his body that she thought he must be able to feel the blood flowing through her veins.
In the elevator, words tumbled from her mouth. “You can’t leave. Two people can’t leave. Someone has to be the strong one, and the other person—the one who leaves—has to be able to count on them to…to…goddamn it. To not give up on them.”
He closed and locked the apartment door behind them, and in one swift move, as if he was afraid to delay—afraid she might disappear into thin air—he wrapped his arms around her and took her in another insatiable kiss.
“I…” He kissed her again. “Won’t ever…” He brushed his lips over the line of her jaw. “Leave you.”
Ellie closed her eyes, pushing away the litany of what-ifs that sailed through her mind, and gave into the desires that she’d been suppressing forever. She slid her hands beneath his shirt and ran her fingers along the firm ridges of his muscles, the delicate lines of his chest, and up and over the arc of his shoulder.