He looked puzzled. “I have one due on Tuesday. Why?”
I started laughing. “Good luck finding them. I have this weird feeling you're going to have to start over from scratch.”
All the blood drained out of his face. “What?”
“You really should shut your computer down when you aren't working on it.” I winked at him. “Did you know that when you're connected to a wireless network, anyone with the right software could hack into your hard drive? And delete things? Important things?” I shrugged. “I sure hope nothing like that happened to you.”
His mouth worked for a few moments, but nothing came out. His face reddened, and he spluttered, “You son of a bitch! I can't wait to vote to expel you Monday!”
“There's not going to be a hearing, Bobby, I hate to tell you.” I smiled. “All that effort, all that energy, to get me expelled from Beta Kappa, all for nothing.”
He turned and ran back to the stairs. “Have a nice life, Bobby!” I called after him. I heard his heavy footsteps as he ran up the stairs. I imagined the look on his porcine face as he tried to find his files and realized all his work was gone for good, would have to be re-created from scratch.
What a pity.
I started walking down the hall to the back door.
This is the last time I'll ever be inside this house,
I thought as I walked.
I was so happy here. For the first time in my life, I was happy. Even with all the Chad shit, I felt like I belonged hereâI belonged somewhere. But it was all a charade. Beta Kappa wasn't what I thought it was, so all that happiness, that feeling of belonging, was predicated on a falsehood, was based on something that never really existed outside of my own imagination. I'll just walk out the door and be done with all of this. It's just as well. I can just drop the whole thing and be free. I got Jay his job back, so that wrong was righted. As for Dante, oh, well. It could have been something, but I was going to leave for Harvard after next year, anyway. So it would have ended by then. So, I'll just go there next semester. Let them expel me from the brotherhood. I don't really care anymore. It's not something I want to be a part of anymore, anyway. It's spoiled, ruined for me. Even if I were to go to the hearing and survive it, things around here would never be the same for me.
I reached Roger's door and stopped.
I shook my head.
I can at least make peace with him, apologize and say good-bye.
I only hesitated a second, and then knocked.
He opened the door and smiled. “Jordyâthis is a pleasant surprise.”
I gave him a hesitant smile. “Really?” I noticed that his complexion had cleared up. “May I come in? I needâI need to talk to you.”
“Sure.” He stood aside and let me walk in. His room was clean, everything in order, and there was even a laundry basket filled with dirty clothes.
I whistled. “Your room looks nice.”
He shrugged. “I got tired of being a slob. Have a seat. I was just about to roll a joint.” He sat down on the edge of his bed and picked up a plate with a pile of weed on it. “You want some?”
“Sure.” I sat down on his desk chair. The desk was neat, everything organized. “I can't get over the way your room looks.”
He started rolling the joint and grinned at me. “Well, I kind of owe it all to you.” He filled a paper with some weed and started putting it together. “After the semester started and I saw what you had done with yourself, it kind of inspired me.” He licked and lit it. He took a deep inhale and passed it to me. He blew the smoke out. “I started thinking about it, really. I was like, you know, all you do is sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Instead of that, why don't you make some changes?”
“Cool.” I inhaled. I coughed out a cloud of smoke and took a swig from my water bottle.
He took the joint back. “So, I decided to sign up for a weight-lifting class.” He flexed his right arm. “And lookâsome muscles! I started eating better, and my skin cleared up. I decided it was past time I started taking some responsibility for myself and, you know, take better care of myself, and it didn't really hurt me to keep my room in order, stay organized and all.” He waved the joint around. “So, thank you.”
“You don't need to thank me,” I replied, feeling like an even bigger louse than I had before. “You did all this yourself. I had nothing to do with it.”
“I also want to apologize to you.” He offered me the joint, and when I waved my hand he stubbed it out in an ashtray.
“For what?” I laughed. “Actually, the reason I came by was to apologize to
you.
” And say good-bye.
“You don't need to apologize to me, Jordy.” He took a deep breath. “I was a shitty big brother to you, Jordyâ”
“No.” I interrupted him. “I won't let you say that, Roger. No.” I shook my head. “It was me, all me. I blew you off all the time to go hang out with Chad and his friends. You have nothing to apologize for.”
“I have a lot to apologize for,” Roger said. “You see, I didn't feed you during Hell Week on purpose. I was trying to punish you, get even because you liked Chad and his friends better than you did me. I'm so sorryâbut in my own defense, I thought for sure they would feed you.”
I felt like I was getting smaller by the moment. Every word out of his mouth was making my soul shrink even further. “Jeff told me about you and Chad when you were pledges,” I said haltingly. “Roger, I'm so sorry. If I'd knownâ”
“I didn't want to tell you about it because I was
ashamed.
” He hung his head. “I was so in love with him, Jordy, I really was.” He wiped at his eyes. “All through high school, you know, I was picked on. Well, it really started in junior high school. The first time someone called me a
fairy
I didn't know what he meant. I thought they were calling me a
ferry,
you know, like a boat that carries cars?” He laughed. It sounded horrible. “I didn't know what they were talking about. And it just kept on and on, and the whole time, year after year, once I knew I was really
gay,
and somehow they all knew it . . . well, I just hated myself. I really did. I wanted to kill myself.”
“That's how I was at St. Bernard,” I said in a very low voice.
“It wasn't until I got out of high school, out of that horrible little Podunk town, and came hereâ” He shook his head. “I decided to join a fraternityâwell, actually it was my dad's idea, because he thought it would make a man out of me.” He shrugged. “And then I came to Beta Kappa, and the minute I walked in, I knew I belonged here. They had openly gay brothers, and no one cared. For the first time I could be
myself.
”
I nodded, biting my lower lip.
“And then Chad . . . oh, God, Chad. I was so in love with him. And then I got Jeff as my big brother, and they were both so great, you know? They taught me, they showed me it was okay to be gay, to be myself.” He sighed. “Jeff was such a great big brother to me. . . .”
“Jeff thinks he failed you,” I replied.
“Seriously?” He stared at me. He shook his head again. “ButâI guess I'll have to talk to him.” He stood up and started pacing. “I let what Chad did to me make me bitter, Jordy. I don't know why he hates me so much. It's not like I ever did anything to him, you knowâbut I kind of figured the reason he co-opted you was because you were
my
little brother.” He barked out a laugh. “Talk about self-absorbed, right? Of course, it's all about me. And I didn't even try, you know, to make an effort with you after that, because I didn't think I could compete with Chad. And then when I finally had the chance to be a big brother to you, on Hell Night . . . what did I do?” He wiped at his eyes. “I took advantage of you. You were upset, you were drunk, and . . .”
I felt like I was about the right size to fit into a thimble. “Forget about it, Roger,
please.
” I shook my head. “Seriously, just stop, okay?”
“Butâ”
“No more.” I took a deep breath. “Let's just forget the past and start over again, okay?”
This isn't right,
I told myself.
You shouldn't let him think he's to blame. You're being a coward and this isn't the way to start over.
But even as the words flashed through my mind, I said nothing. I remained a coward.
And another voice sneered inside my head,
Well, he DID take advantage of you. You never in a million years would have had sex with him if you hadn't been drunk and so upset and felt so ugly and worthlessâ
I used him to make myself feel better.
What kind of person am I?
I forced a smile on my face, pushing the voices out of my head. “There's nothing to forgive, Roger,” I tried again. “IâI actually came by to say good-bye.”
He stared at me. “Good-bye?”
“You saw the video, didn't you?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I got Bobby's shitty e-mail.” He laughed. “You should read my response. He's such a shit-head.”
“Some of the brothers went to the Executive Council.” I shrugged. “They want to have a hearing at Monday night's meeting. I'm supposed to tell the Exec Council my side of the story tomorrow, and they'll decide if there's going to be a hearing. But from the way people have been acting around me since I got here, I think it's a foregone conclusion I'm going to be expelled from the brotherhood on Monday.” I took a deep breath. “And you need to forget about Hell Night, Roger. You didn't take advantage of me. If anything, I used you to make myself feel better. I should apologize to you.”
“Butâ”
“If you think you failed me as a big brother, you can make it up to me by being the best big brother ever to Galen, okay?” I reached out and patted his hand. “I hope we can still be friends, Roger. I'd like that very much.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I'm not going to fight this,” I replied. “I'm not allowed in the house until I talk to the Exec Council tomorrow. I'm banned from Big Brother Nightâand I'm not going to fight it.” I took a deep breath. “When I get home I'm going to e-mail Chris my resignation from the brotherhood.”
“What?” He blinked at me. “Are you fucking kidding me?” His voice rose. “You're just going to quit?”
“I didn't sign up for this.” I grabbed his hands. “Roger, when Chris was talking to me just now, I realized that I don't belong here. Everything I loved about Beta Kappa wasn't real.” My voice sounded hollow. “I don't want to be a part of a house that would put me through this without even listening to my side of things first. I don't want to be a part of a house where everyone automatically assumes the worst about me and doesn't even give me the benefit of the doubt.”
“You're going to quit.” He lit the joint again. “You're not who I thought you were.”
“I guess not.”
“When I met you at Rush,” he exhaled, “the reason I was drawn to youâthe reason I liked you so muchâwas that I could see what a good person you were. I could see, even though you couldn't see it yourself yet, that you were strong and had a lot to offer, and I knew you would never, ever quit. I was wrong.” He laughed. “You are a quitter. You're going to let Chad York railroad you right out of this house without putting up a fight. Chad York, who made you feel like dirt. Chad York, who belittled you and mocked you and made fun of you behind your back while pretending to be your friend. You're going to let him get away with it.” He shook his head again. “I'm so disappointed in you, Jordy. I don't think we can be friends after all. I don't want to be friends with someone like you.”
I sat there for a moment, stunned.
He was right.
I was giving up and letting Chad win.
Once again, I was letting emotion control my actions and make my decisions for me.
Remember, you have an ace in the hole and you haven't played it yet.
“You're right.” I stood up and gave him a hug. I kissed his cheek. “Don't ever believe you aren't a good big brother, Roger. You're the best.”
He smiled at me. “You're going to fight?”
“Oh, yes.” I opened his door. “And I'm going to win.”
I stepped out into the hall and shut the door behind me.
I felt like I could conquer the world and slay giants.
And there was one giant in particular who really needed to be slain.
I took the stairs two at a time. Chad's door was open. He was lying on his bed wearing only a pair of shorts, reading an economics textbook. “Hey, Chad, do you have a minute?”
His eyes narrowed, but he smiled. “Always for you, Jordy.”
I shut the door behind me. “I'm just curious, Chad. I want to know why.”