“You had a phone call,” Lynette told me when I returned to our room. She had been to the school library and had started work on a term paper.
She handed me a slip of paper that simply read,
Larry, will call again.
She sat at her desk and worked, keeping her back to me.
“Okay,” I said. “Don’t pretend you’re not full of curiosity.”
She turned and smiled.
“About what?”
“Very funny. You know, about my date.”
“Date? Meeting someone at a jazz club and listening to poetry and music?”
“I didn’t come right back,” I said.
She stared, looked at her book, and then turned back to me.
:If you leave out a single detail, I’ll never forgive you,” she said.
I laughed.
I was really and truly bursting with the need to tell someone. I had no other close friend here and I certainly couldn’t confide in my sister.
I didn’t know it then. I wouldn’t know it for months and months, but Lynette Robinson was the only person who would know the name of the father of my child.
Nature plays a mean trick on us. She fills us with the capacity to feel great passion, to love someone even more than we love ourselves, and She puts all this into something seemingly as spontaneous as a tornado, our raging love. You could be riding along on what looks like a clam, quiet day and suddenly, without warning, the air begins to swirl around you and before you know it, a tempestuous funnel is threatening to carry you off. Maybe it’s just that passion has the power to blind us, to make us forget so many things, the least of which is what we’re about to do.
My love for Larry was so strong and growing stronger every passing day we spent together that I was willing to risk anything to be with him. He was the one who wanted to be careful, to not, if possible, stir up any gossip and discussion, to raise any flags, worry my family, cause any problems at all. I loved and hated his sensibleness. I wanted him to be as reckless as I was, to be as carefree and uninhibited and defiant. Of course, I had more shackles to throw off. I was the one born in a privileged world, the one who carried a prestigious name. As he had said, he was his only family now. He had no one to disappoint but himself. Ironically, I eventually cared more about him and the possibility of his being disappointed in himself than I did about myself and my family and our reputations. Protecting Larry and his future became more important than anything, and because of that, I kept a secret I thought he would never learn. I suppose now when I think of that it makes me feel even guiltier.
How cold something so wonderful become so dark and terrible.
Those were my wild days, the days Daddy unknowingly had predicted for me, days when you let the wind blow through your hair and you didn’t worry about time, tomorrow, obligations, anything. Only the moment mattered. I would wish the hours away until I was able to be with Larry, whether they were the hours filled with classes or his having to work. I even offered to give him money so he could quit his job and spend more time with me, but he was not only shocked by my offer, he was offended. I quickly pretended I had been joking. He knew otherwise, but said nothing. The words lingered in the air, however, and I hated ever having given birth to them. I could hear his pride ringing in my ears. Of course I couldn’t buy him, and he had been so independent his whole life that the very thought of being kept by a rich white girl was abhorrent. He knew instinctively that it would destroy who and what he was.
“I’m not afraid of being uncomfortable or tired. I am not afraid of hard work and the struggle, Megan,” he told me. “My English teacher, Mr. Madeo, tells me it’s the journey that’s the goal.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You always think if I had this, if I were this, if I made this, I’d be happy. The happiness, the joy comes from the pursuit of the things you want.”
“That sounds silly.”
“Yes, it does, but it’s not. When we’re old and gray and sitting on some porch somewhere, we’ll think back not to the achievement, but the struggle, the roads taken to get there.”
“Maybe you will. I’ve always been in a limousine,” I said and he laughed.
“That’s what I like about you, Megan.”
“What?”
“Your ability to satirize yourself. It gives me confidence, faith, that in the long run you know what’s important and what’s not.”
“Do I? I hope so,” I said. I didn’t have as much confidence in myself as he had in me.
In the end I was right.
We did so many noncollegiate things together. He didn’t attend any of the basketball games to sit with me and watch Lynette play nor did he come to any dances at my school. We didn’t even walk my campus together. Most of the time, he had to work, but when he didn’t, I would take him for rides out of our area so we could go to restaurants and other places where no one who knew me would see us.
Occasionally, when he was off work, we spent weekends together at a motel near Richmond. Each time my parents thought I had gone to Lynette’s parents’ home. It was easy to deceive because I kept telling myself the deception was only temporary. Someday, I would find the way to reveal Larry to my parents and we would be accepted. When I mentioned it to him, he simply smiled or he would say, “It’s not important right now. We have time.”
Time was exactly what we didn’t have, but for months we ignored any obstacles, any thoughts of unhappiness or disappointment. We simply refused to consider it. Fall passed quickly into winter, and winter, because I was doing things with Larry every chance I had, was never too cold or too dreary. I went home for the holiday breaks, of course.
I did feel deceitful then because Mother thought my happiness was all attributable to the choice of college. My grades weren’t too bad, thanks to Lynette’s tutoring. I managed to call Larry every chance I had. He had gone with Marcus to spend Christmas with Marcus’s family, but returned to the college to work at the library on inventory right after Christmas. I surprised him by driving back there to spend New Year’s Eve with him. I managed it by convincing my parents I was going to a hotel with one of my high school girlfriends. I gave her the money to go there with her boyfriend so she would cover for me just in case. Victoria almost discovered the truth because she knew by girlfriend’s younger sister, but fortunately for me, Victoria didn’t ask the right questions. She simply didn’t care.
I wished I had a camera in my hands when Larry opened his door and saw me standing there December 31. The picture would never leave my memory, however. His shock and surprise were only second to his happiness. We went to a Chinese restaurant and brought back food and spent New Year’s Eve watching the ball fall in Times Square on his small black-and-white television set. Lying there in his arms on his pull-out bed in his two by four studio apartment, I couldn’t help but laugh. The last five years I had spent New Year’s Eve in the ballrooms, dressed in gowns and escorted by boys in tuxedos. We had danced to elegant twenty-piece orchestras, had eaten caviar and lobster on fine china.
We made love that night dreaming of a future together. We would live in England and we wouldn’t worry about anyone’s accepting us. We talked for hours and hours and didn’t fall asleep until almost morning. Late the next afternoon, I drove home and no one was the worse for it. Daddy asked about my New Year’s and I told him it was just okay. He felt sorry for me, but I told him parties weren’t as important to me. The truth was nothing I had thought important held the same value. I saw a look of concern in his face and I quickly returned to my old self just to make him comfortable. Mother, however, looked more suspicious.
I, myself, had no idea how deep and significant were the changes inside me. I knew it four weeks after I had missed my period, but I was too afraid to say anything to Larry. I had missed periods in the past. Mother once took me to the doctor to check on all that, but there was nothing seriously wrong, nothing terribly unusual.
This time, however, there were changes in my body. Twice, I had woken with morning sickness. Still, I continued to ignore it, to refuse to face it. I was never very good at dealing with serious trouble. All my life I was pampered and taken care of like a little princess despite Mother’s attempts to make me more self-sufficient and responsible. Daddy was always around to slip me a way out, an excuse, to provide the parachute.
But he wasn’t around to provide a parachute for this. I was afraid that if I told Larry about what was happening inside me, he would have to give up his scholarship and go get a job to support our child. His whole life would go up in smoke, a life with such promise. He would feel too responsible to ask me to get an abortion.
Twice I set out to do just that and twice I turned back. Something inside me kept saying, “It’s Larry’s child. He should be involved in such a decision.”
I didn’t show even in the third month, but I was dangerously close to when I would. I had been able to keep everything from Lynette and any of the other girls, but I knew it was time to reveal my pregnancy. I came seconds away from doing just that before Larry told me about his wonderful new award. He was so excited, he took the bus to our campus and came to Lynette and my dorm room. It was the first time ever he had come there.
“Well, look who is honoring us with his presence,” Lynette declared when she opened the door.
I had my nose in my history of Western civilization textbook, skimming over every other sentence and barely absorbing a word or two.
“Larry?” I said as if I couldn’t believe he was really there.
“Hi. I hope I’m not interrupting anything important,” he said.
“No, just two girls studying for a history exam in the morning,” Lynette said. “You want me to go see Barbara and Sally?” she asked me, winking.
“I can’t stay long. I got to hightail it back to the library,” Larry said. “I just had to come over to tell you,” he said looking at me and then at Lynette, “to tell you both that I was given a scholarship to attend Oxford on an exchange program next year. I’ve been given an assistant to a professor assignment, too.”
I just sat there staring at him, my mouth slightly open.
“Well, that sounds like a slam dunk, if I ever heard one,” Lynette said. “Marcus know?”
“No one know but you two, right now.”
“Well, don’t just sit there with your back teeth showing, girl. Tell the man congratulations or something,” Lynette said.
“Congratulations, Larry. I know how much you wanted this.”
“Thanks,” he said.
“I’m going to see Barbara,” Lynette said. “Watching you two is beginning to upset my stomach.”
She left.
We stared at each other a moment.
“I know you think we won’t see each other, but I’ll be back on holiday and maybe you can take a trip over there, too.”
“Of course,” I said. “I’m sorry. I should be happier for you. It’s just came as such a . . . I don’t remember you saying you were applying.”
“Oh, you fill out forms like you fill out dreams, but man,” he said, “this one’s coming true.”
“I’m happy for you, Larry,” I said and stood up. “Really, I am,” I added and went to him.
We kissed and I held on to him so hard he laughed.
“I’m not going until the summer,” he said. “This isn’t supposed to feel like good-bye.”
“I know,” I said pulling myself back and smiling. “We’ll celebrate this weekend. Maybe we’ll go to that fancy restaurant we saw in Jamestown. On me,” I said quickly. “And don’t say it makes you feel like being kept. It’s a present for succeeding. I’m permitted to give presents, aren’t I?”
“I guess so,” he said. He looked at his watch. “Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. I just had to come over here to tell you. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t tell someone, someone who mattered.”
“I’m glad,” I said. “Let me drive you back.”
“No, no. You study. I’m fine. I’ve got time. In fact, I just want to walk for a while. I feel like I’ve been touched on the shoulder by an angel.”
He laughed. I kissed him again and he left. When the door closed, I just stood there for a long moment.
I remember I felt as if my skin was slowly sliding off my body and I was evaporating, disappearing. I had my hand on my stomach and although it was too early to feel life moving inside me. I would swear to this day that I did feel something. Maybe it was just my stomach gurgling, but it was enough.
I stepped into the hallway and then ran out of the dormitory after him. he was already crossing the lawn toward the road where he would either turn to get a taxi or wait for a bus. He was silhouetted in the moonlight, moving like a shadow through a dream. I hurried after him and started to shout his name and then stopped.
I just stood there watching him disappear. Then I lowered my head and walked back to the dormitory. I was afraid Lynette had returned to our room and I didn’t want to face her so I stopped again and just walked around for hours. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself either.
On the contrary, I was angry and disappointed at myself. Maybe Victoria was the smarter one, I thought.
Maybe all I’ll do my whole life is mess up my life and other people’s lives, including the life that is growing inside me.
Confusion spun me around. I didn’t know which way to turn. Should I go cry on Lynette’s shoulders? What for? I thought. What could she do and what if she told Marcus and he told Larry? Should I just run off? To where? What would I do? I had really never been on my own.
I didn’t realize how hard and how much I was crying until the tears started to drip from my chin. I gazed back at the dormitory. Most of the girls were asleep by now. Their lights were out. Lynette was probably wondering where I had gone. She was probably laughing about it, however, thinking I had impulsively decided to go somewhere to celebrate with Larry. Tomorrow’s test be damned.
What I did finally was go to my car, start it up, and drive aimlessly about, talking to myself, yelling at myself. Finally, exhausted, I pulled into an all-night convenience store and bought myself some bottled water. I sat there in my car drinking it and staring at the street.
So what are you going to do now, Big Shot?
I asked myself.
I had no answers.
And then I looked at the pay phone and realized there was only one person to go to, one person who could handle my crisis, one person who knew the answers. I got out of my car and went to the phone.