Geli Voyante's Hot or Not (9 page)

Philly knows this is a lie, but she needs to
send me a press release. I can’t think of anything worse than having to read about yet another designer citing that he was “captured by the sublime contours of the New York skyline which in turn inspired his new collection” or a designer claiming “the soft feminine setting of his childhood home when combined with the harsh, neon lights of the red-light districts he was cruelly thrust into after the tragedy of his parents’ deaths encouraged his debut collection”. The press releases always seem to be same old, same old to me and, to be honest, not as inventive as my examples either which speaks
volumes
. The first time I ever got sent a press release I was enthralled; by the third I was bored.

‘Of course, darling.
I’ll catch you later Geli, and I’ll see you tomorrow Glinda. Have a good afternoon girls,’ she calls back at us as she heads into her office looking all efficient in a deep purple Philosophy Di Alberta Ferretti pencil skirt suit and towering Gina heels. She plays her part well. Margot should take notes.

As soon as the door closes, it
encourages more shrieks from us because of our afternoon of girly freedom. Margot treats us to a terrific scowl which only increases our fits of giggles as we skip out of the offices into glorious freedom.

We stroll off into the glorious sun, I’d like to say, with twittering birds and people exchanging jolly pleasantries to one another. Sadly, this is London in December, and it has been freezing all year. I know it is winter, but this one feels exceptionally bitter. When you’ve lived in South Africa most of your life, where December is classed as the height of summer, then you really do feel the bitter cold more than most.

T
o make matters worse, it’s started tipping it down with slushy rain and I don’t have a brolly. Glinda’s also left hers in the Charing Cross Road Candygurl PR office, so it’s a dash to the first eatery we come across. Given we’re in the vicinity of Covent Garden, this won’t prove too tricky, even if it’s likely to be a tourist trap.

The warmth of the
restaurant hits us immediately; amazingly they can seat us straight away. From this I’m instantly dubious as to the quality of the food, but I’m more concerned about Raphael Von Coutter’s as Candygurl PR deals with more high street than designer fashion houses. At least it’s on Ledbury Road though – that’s quite close to where we live – so we can pop home after lunch before we head to our first shopping port of call. As always, I’ve misjudged the elements and I’ll turn into an icicle if I go shopping how I’m currently dressed. I left my chunky knit in the office so I just have a sheer blouse underneath my trench.

I
f Raphael fails to deliver, we can head to our usual shopping territory to get me
the
dress for tonight’s dinner, though that dress will probably be little more than a scrap of material, worn bare or with stockings and suspenders. I wonder which he prefers…

‘Ge
li?’ A voice interrupts my Theo fantasy. Glinda is sat opposite me, shaking her head. ‘You had your sex face on. Thinking about Theo?’

Her tone is teasing; she
knows the answer, and I smile at the thought.

‘I’ll stay at Jeeves’ tonight,’ she bluntly replies.

‘How is dear Jeeves?’ I ask to distract myself from those stomach-churning thoughts.

‘Fine.’ S
he answers with a look on her face that suggests that whereas Jeeves may indeed be fine, Glinda is far from fine with Jeeves.

‘What’s he done this time?’

She shrugs.

As her best friend I know I should tell her she’s better off without him and that she ca
n do so much better than Jeeves; equally as her best friend, I know not to bother. She already knows all this but she loves him, even with his cheating ways, and she never tells him off. I know he does love her though, despite his man-whore ways. It’s a tricky situation. If I told her to dump him, she’d only resent me when they inevitably got back together. I have no doubt that Glinda is the future Mrs Jeeves.

Still,
I smile at her in sympathy. There really is nothing I can say to her that I’ve not said before.

‘Anyway,’ she says as the waiter puts down our starters of two steaming
bowls of sweet potato and aubergine soup and seasons it with black pepper and diced chillies. ‘You and Theo are more important right now!’

I can’t help but grin at the T-word, even though the other T-word immediately springs to mind
: Trouble.

‘I’m goin
g to get fired for this, Glinda.’ I air my worst fear.

‘You’re not.
’

‘I am,’ I wail.
‘I’m a disaster at relationships, nay, dates. When do I ever get the chance to start a relationship? I should cancel now.’

Delicious soup
, by the way, and yummy homemade foccacia always go down well with me, especially this soup with onions, pancetta and more chilli. Hel-lo!

‘Geli,’ she says sternly. ‘You will not mess this up. You see Theo every day.
He already knows and loves you.’ She says this confidently. 

‘Oh, that’s
possibly plausible,’ I say remembering Sara and Jerry’s remarks.

I pro
ceed to fill Glinda in on those and debate with her the exact meanings of their words all the way into the main course. I opted for another hearty choice – the supposedly “homemade” Shepherd’s pie which, upon tasting it, confirms it to be homemade. Glinda went for the homemade toad in the hole, a deep golden brown Yorkshire pudding filled with creamy mashed potatoes, balsamic-soaked onions and herby sausages with sprigs of rosemary sticking out of it.
Delicious
.

‘Look,’ Glinda tells me as the waiter comes to take away our plates, and to take our dessert order
. ‘It’s very obvious. Theo likes you. You’ll be fine.’

‘I guess I have time now to learn about marathons,’ I
say slyly, filling her in on my earlier confusion. ‘I thought it was a marathon,’ I shriek, as she (nicely) chuckles at my blunder. ‘What would Theo have thought if he discovered we were talking about completely different things? No wonder Jerry was laughing his head off. He knew I was bluffing. Can you believe I thought race card meant Obama was
diabetic
?’ I groan.

I am
very thankful it’s only Glinda who is learning of this display of stupidity of epic proportions. Luckily the desserts arrive to help ease my pain. There’s nothing that sweet sticky toffee pudding can’t cure.

‘Just stick clear of anything political
, Geli,’ Glinda warns me, managing to hold back her laughter for a second. She doesn’t need to tell me twice. ‘Heavenly treacle sponge by the way.’

‘Mine’s scrummy too,’ I
agree. ‘I think this place might just get a Hot mention!’

‘Damn right,’ she agrees
, her mouth full of pudding. Any restaurant that makes us forget our manners is a sure Hot place.

‘Right, Geli,’ she says
, swallowing her mouthful. ‘Other than looking for your outfit for tonight, there is to be no more mention of Theo because you’re going to work yourself up and then ruin the evening before you even get there.’

T
his is another reason why I love Glinda. She knows me well. If I spend the rest of this afternoon obsessing about Theo, I will be sick with nerves by the time the dinner rolls round and then I’ll miss it. I don’t know whether it’s just me who freaks out royally when it comes to the opposite sex, but I wish I didn’t.

‘Let’s talk about Tiggy,’ she suggests.

‘Irgh. I still can’t believe she is engaged! Did you notice Lily and Sarah are also getting hitched?’

‘I
’m happy for
them
, but
Tiggy
? How did that witch snag someone like what’s-his-face?’

‘Calvin Murphy-Lee,’ I supply far t
oo quickly.

‘Angelica Dawn Voyante!’ Glinda
tuts, raising just one of her eyebrows – a skill I wish I had. ‘You fancy him!’

‘No.’

‘Liar. Lunch is on you for that one.’

‘Fine,’ I admit. ‘I can
verify that he is not unattractive.’

‘Y
ou’re still buying lunch. Spill!’

‘He’s not unattractive,’ I repeat defiantly, annoyed I’ve been busted.

‘And?’

‘He’s e
ngaged to Tiggy! Evidently he suffers serious character flaws masked by his looks. Besides, I have Theo,’ I point out.

‘You do
. Now remember that one please and don’t lose your head. This is Theo who you have loved since your very first day at
New News
. Theo, who by all accounts,
seriously likes you
, too.’

‘I know, I know.’

‘Don’t “I know, I know” me, Geli Voyante. I know
you
. I wouldn’t be amazed if you didn’t try to sabotage Tiggy and Calvin’s relationship, but don’t. Don’t go causing Trouble, even if she deserves it. You’re better than that.’

‘Hey!’ I protest. ‘Trouble is usually caused
to
me, not by me. I may not be thrilled she’s getting married, but why would I intentionally sabotage her wedding?’

A
nd the thing is, I
am
a nice person. The worst part of my job is choosing my “Not” selections – I don’t really enjoy ruining someone’s hard work and casting them into oblivion. Well,
New News
readers’ oblivion; it’s not as if every person in Britain reads the paper, though our circulation is on a par with
The Times
despite being relatively new to the newspaper game.

‘
When it comes to Tiggy Boodles…’

‘Name one reason why I would destroy her wedding. One
good
reason,’ I add huffily.

‘Eric Nevis.’

‘Please, we were fifteen. I’m so over Eric Nevis choosing Tiggy over me.’ I roll my eyes. ‘I never even slept with him. Tiggy was welcome to him and his sloppy kisses, even more so to his diseases.’

‘Fine. Your f
–’

I cut her off. ‘Don
’t. Don’t you ever say that word to me.’

She has the decency to loo
k ashamed, as she should. That was very low of Glinda stooping to
that
to win an argument. That’s the problem with best friends though – they know
everything
.

‘I’m sorr
y, Geli, but you know I’m right,’ she says softly.

I can feel my anger rising – I do not want to make a scene here – but this is the one issue Glinda should know better not to air. Just like I do not remind her of Jeeves’ obvious flaws, she knows not to press me on this issue,
especially
on a day like today.

‘Look, Glinda,’ I say, trying to steady my inner rage.
I can’t look at her so instead look around at the framed pictures of celebrities who have all eaten here. ‘I promise I will not intentionally set out to split Tiggy and Calvin up. However, if Calvin asks me a question about Tiggy I’m not going to lie to him. I won’t go out of my way though to tell him about her true foulness,’ I promise.

‘
OK.’ She knows not to push this further. ‘I’ll let you settle the bill whilst I pop to the loo.’

S
he makes a speedy dash before I can start raging against her – Glinda doesn’t deserve that. It’s rubbish she knows me so well, but it’s mostly a good thing. I probably
would
have set out to split those two up, reasoning that I’m
saving
Calvin.

When she
returns, the blip in our otherwise perfect lunch is forgotten and the bill has been taken care of by management. I also heard the tale of when Oscar winner Sebastian Sotherton dined here when he first came out. The press stormed the place but that cemented it as a celebrity favourite when they let him use the connecting doorway to the shop next door – which they also own – and he managed to sneak away with his boyfriend without one snap being taken.

‘Sorted?’

‘Yep,’ I chirp, much happier after allowing myself a wee trip into Theo fantasyland. ‘On the house.’

‘
Excellent!’

‘Remind me to inc
lude this place in the column,’ I say as I put on my trench.