George Washington Zombie Slayer (19 page)

Chapter 45

Washington Trains
The Continental Army To Kill Zombies

“Raise your right hand!” George Washington shouted to the thousands of assembled soldiers who stood along a curved hillside around him which formed a natural amphitheater. All the troops raised their right hands.

“I solemnly swear,” Washington shouted, “that the information I learn here today will never be repeated or shared, except with other members of the Continental Army, under penalty of death, so help me God.”

The ph
rase was repeated aloud by all the assembled soldiers of Washington’s army. At that moment, Benjamin Franklin appeared with some assistants, walking several leashed zombies out from the back of a covered wagon, and chained them immobile next to George Washington in front of the assembly. There was a quiet gasp from the crowd after seeing these creatures up close.

“This is a zombie,” Washington said as he raised the tip of his sword and pointed it at the nearest creature. “
It is not a man. It may look like a man, but it is a creature, an abomination. All of these creatures are the walking dead, and the British are using these monsters as soldiers, against us. They may look human, but they are not alive!”

“It cannot be bargained with,” Washington explained
further. “It cannot be reasoned with. It does not feel pity, or remorse, or fear. It cannot be harmed by a rap on the beak, or by a kick in the balls! And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until it makes you his dinner!”

“These are facts you must know,”
Washington said as he took his sword and ran it through the heart of the nearest zombie, which only made it angry and agitated as it continued to fight against its chains in an effort to bite and attack the General.

“A zombie
has only one desire,” Washington said truthfully. “It lives only to devour you and feed upon living flesh. And the really fucked up fact is, if it bites you, you will sicken and die and become a zombie yourself!” The assembled soldiers gasped as he said this.

“This is m
y friend, Doctor Benjamin Franklin.” Washington said. “He is here, at my invitation, to show you how to properly kill undead British zombie soldiers!”

“Thank you General,”
Franklin began, holding two dueling pistols in his hands and aiming one directly at the chest of the zombie Washington had just stabbed. Franklin fired the pistol, the bullet exploding into the zombie’s chest, with no negative effect upon the creature.

“Shooting a zombie in the torso or body will have no effect,” Franklin said. “You must shoot it in the head to kill the creature.” Franklin raised his second dueling pistol and pointed it
at the head of the zombie and fired once, causing the monster to drop harmlessly to the ground. “Or you can behead it,” Franklin added as he drew a sword and swung it at the second zombie’s head, decapitating it cleanly. Its body, too, fell motionless to the earth. “But it cannot be stabbed, drowned, burnt or otherwise repulsed. It will feel no harm in its vital organs, its neck or legs or even its testicles! So when your officers say ‘don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes,’ they are being very serious. You MUST shoot or stab these creatures in the head, and only the head, to kill them! Do you understand?” Franklin shouted.

“Huzzah!” the army replied as one, honored to be given this secret knowledge that would undoubtedly save most of their lives. “Huzzah!” they shouted again.

“You will now assemble by company, and train in these tactics with General Washington and myself for the remainder of the week,” Franklin stated. Mannequins and stuffed scarecrows were setup at intervals in the compound, with red targets upon their heads, and the soldiers spent the next week practicing what Franklin and Washington had taught them. They were now trained as zombie-slaying soldiers.

After this training,
Franklin knew he must return quickly to Congress and assist in the preparation of what was being called a declaration of freedom and independence. But before he left, Franklin and the General withdrew to a private meadow not far from camp and Bennie showed George a medium sized box which contained one of Franklin’s prized possessions.

“I have
made only one of these so far,” Franklin stated, opening the box. “This one is only a prototype.” Franklin removed what looked like a dueling pistol from the box, but the weapon appeared strange in many ways. The gun was mainly silver and appeared to lack a barrel or even an opening for a projectile to exit. Where the muzzle should have been was a series of antennae, which radiated out like a small starfish. There was also a thick, insulated cable which ran from the box to the handle of the gun.

“I have prepared a small demonstration,” Franklin said as he pointed to the nine zombies chained at various points in the meadow around them.
Franklin flipped a small switch on the box, which he called the battery, and the weapon in his hand began to hum.

“I have charged
the battery in this box using electrical lightning, harnessed and collected by kite from last night’s thunderstorm,” Franklin explained.  “I have designed this weapon to operate using that stored electrical energy!”

Franklin took careful aim at three of the zombies chained closest to them and squeezed the trigger of the weapon. With a loud crack, three distinct streams of electrical energy shot from the gun, and a blinding flash of lightning struck the head of each of the three zombies. In under a second, the heads of the all three creatures exploded!

“Fucking awesome!” Washington exclaimed gleefully. “Oh, fuck me that’s amazing!”

Franklin took aim at another three zombies, pulled the trigger, and on
ce again observed the same result. Lightning bolts shot from the weapon, striking three more zombies, and exploding their heads! 

“Since the electricity discharged from the weapon is provided by lightning,” Franklin explained, “it seems always to strike the target in the head, which is ideal for our purposes.”

“That’s the coolest god damn thing I have ever seen in my entire fucking life!” Washington exclaimed again, giggling with delight. “Ha-Ha-ha-ha ha ha! Fucking marvelous!”

Fran
klin took aim at the last three zombies and pulled the trigger again. But this time, only a tiny crackle of static electricity was discharged from the weapon, causing no harm to the zombies.

“That’s the main problem I have,” Franklin explained
sadly. “This battery can only contain a limited electrical charge. And the battery is exceedingly expensive and difficult to make.”

“Well it’s still amazing,” Washington remarked.
“Truly amazing! You, Doctor Franklin, are a genius, Sir.”

“A genius,” Franklin said modestly, “would find a way to improve the battery.” And with that, Benjamin Franklin packed up his new weapon, hugged his friend goodbye, and mounted his horse for the return trip to Congress.”

“Thanks for comin’ to help train the troops, Bennie,” Washington said to his friend as he spurred his horse forward. “Your help was greatly appreciated.”

“Anytime, G,” Franklin replied as he rode bac
k to his Congressional duties.

Chapter 46

The Declaration of Independence

In June of the year 1776, the Second Continental Congress appointed what was called the Committee of Five, the skilled handful of men that would produce a first draft of the Declaration of Independence. These men, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Roger Sherman and Bob Livingston were all in agreement that their fifth member, Thomas Jefferson, should write the first draft of the document. The remaining four would review it and offer suggestions, and then submit it to Congress.

There was
hemming and hawing by some southern Congressmen over a black man writing the Declaration, but even they knew this writing genius was the best choice for the task.

Jefferson approached the job
with all seriousness and deliberation and chose his words carefully and thoughtfully. When he finished the first draft, sometime near the end of June, 1776, it was approved by the Committee of Five, and then sent to Congress, who promptly sought to edit and mangle Jefferson’s original work, much to his chagrin.

The
process of editing by Congressional review made Jefferson exceedingly angry. Every Congressman, it seemed, wanted to change and edit Jefferson’s carefully selected words and phrases. It brought to mind a comment by his friend Ben Franklin, who told Jefferson during this editorial ordeal that, “Opinions are like assholes. Every many has one, and they usually stink.”

Jefferson began his version of the Declaration of Independence by stating that, “When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a people to advance from that subordination in which they have hitherto remained…” Congressional delegates edited out the word ‘subordination’ and created the
more familiar opening we all know, stating that, “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another…”

The final version of the Declaration of Independence states that, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable
Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” But in his initial draft, Jefferson had expanded on his notion of equality, stating that, “We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable, that all men are created equal and independent; that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent to all men, both white and negro, Mexican and Hindoo, albino and dwarf, Jew and infidel, rights bestowed too upon the Polack and the Irishman, and even, women.” Congressional delegates were outraged and struck his sentiments from the final document.

Congress certainly wanted to eliminate what they regarded as inflammatory language from the document.
The final version of the Declaration proclaims that, “A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.”  Strong words, indeed. But Jefferson’s initial draft was even more scathing, asserting that, “a tyrannical ruler, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, and who fails to address the lawful petitions of his subjects, may be most justly and fairly be regarded as a worthless asshole.”

Thomas Jefferson had even originally included a reference to zombies in his first draft version of the Declaration, writing in his grievances against the King that:

“He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.”

“He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the
Civil power.”

“He has, with amoral disregard to natural law, employed the use of undead, zombie troops
in a fiendish effort to quell dissent.”

This last part was hastily edited out of the final document
. Although all Congressional delegates were familiar with the British use of zombies, as were most military officers, it was felt, and perhaps wisely so, that the general populace of the Colonies was not ready for such an unsettling revelation.

Jefferson’s version of the Declaration of Independence was also exceptional for two ad
ditional reasons.  The beginning of the Declaration was the first document in history to use phrase “United States of America.” Jefferson’s bold conclusion of the Declaration of Independence was also noteworthy for another phrase that had never before been used. Jefferson wrote: “And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor. Whilst any man who disagrees can bite me.”

This was the first time in history that the phrase ‘bite me’ had ever been used
, at least in an official capacity. And although later edited out of the final version of the Declaration, it was another sign of Jefferson’s superior mastery of language.

Chapter 47

The British Take New York

A
lthough Washington had no idea where British forces would strike next, at the urging of Congress, he was forced to move the vast percentage of his army to New York in the first half of 1776 as a defensive measure. His real problem was that the general area of New York City at the time was almost entirely indefensible.

New York consists of islands like Staten Island, Long Island and even Manhattan, islands which, by their very nature are exceedingly difficult to defend. They are surrounded by water, which means they can
be approached and attacked from any direction. Yet the water also makes a retreat more difficult. And as there were several islands in need of defense, the problems were compounded. If you add to this a nearly complete lack of reliable intelligence reports, you find that George Washington was really in a pickle.

But the Continental Congress insisted that New York be defended, and so George Washington would do his best
to defend it.

In August of 1776,
when the British landed on Long Island, there was no repeat of their previous mistakes on Bunker Hill.  Zombie Redcoats were used in the initial advances, almost as cannon fodder, as they were so difficult to kill. Living troops were held in reserve and marched in as part of the second and third waves of the attack. Direct assaults were also abandoned in favor of flanking maneuvers designed to evade perimeter defenses. The Colonial Army could not stem the tide of zombies sent against them. In short order, Washington’s army was nearly outflanked and surrounded.

As the
Redcoats tightened their grip on the Continental Army in New York, the Americans dug in for a siege, which Washington was almost certain to lose. At this point, retreat was the only option for Washington and his army, if they could escape. 

In what is considered
by some historians to be one of his greatest military accomplishments, George Washington managed to skillfully withdraw his forces from New York and save the greater portion of his army from destruction. Had the British concerned themselves with the destruction of the Continental army, rather than the conquest of geographical territory, things might have gone quite differently. But as it happened, Washington’s army still lived and was free to fight another day.

Washington encountered a similar situation in September of 1776 as his army lay deployed on Harlem Heights, watching the movements of British Generals Howe and Cornwallis.  By
October, behind hastily erected earthworks, Washington’s army once again found itself pressed upon by the overwhelming tide of zombie soldiers thrown against it.

Determined to withdraw the greater portion of his army to New Jersey,
while leaving roughly three thousand troops behind to defend New York, Washington made good his escape. But the remaining American troops were hopelessly outmatched against a combination of five thousand living and zombie British soldiers.

The
remaining American soldiers fought valiantly to defend the New York post they had christened “Fort Washington.”  They inflicted many hundreds British casualties, but the tide of the British attack was too swift and too powerful.

From his nearby New Jersey vantage point,
Washington watched in sadness as wave after wave of zombie soldiers overran the entrenchments, and seized Fort Washington, capturing nearly three thousand American soldiers. The Americans were bound and marched off as traitors to prison cells in New York. Colonial officers were sent to prison ships in the harbor and many died there from the fearful conditions of neglect.

In a final insult, the American f
lag that flew so defiantly just that morning over Fort Washington was cast down upon the ground, and in its place was raised the Union Jack, the flag of the British Empire.

“Don’t look back,” Washington said to Reebock as he turned away and gave the order for his army to march away. “Our day will come,” Washington added.

Chapter 48

Washington Writes Home to Martha About Crossing the Delaware,          Crossing Again, and Re-crossing It a Third and Fourth Time

From-General George Washington, Commander, Continental Army

To- Mrs. Martha Washington, Mount Vernon, Virginia                         

My Wife Martha-                                                                                                  1 February, 1777

My dearest snuggle-muffin! How my heart aches at our current state of separation during this circumstance of revolutionary war. I miss you so! My Betsy Ross flagpole is raised in full salute each morning when I arise, with impure thoughts of you. We have been too long apart. As the army is settling into winter quarters in Morristown, perhaps you might consider a visit here and stay a while? Both George and John Thomas would be pleased to see you. ;-)

I have told you before of my great fear of losing this war due
to the expiring enlistments of soldiers in our army. We thus lose many hundreds and hundreds of soldiers with each passing month, and still more due to illness or desertion. I feel our cause is lost and the game is nearly up.

We did have some recent success. When I withdrew the army from NY, we made a nob
le crossing of the Delaware River, using it as a natural barrier between us and the British to prevent their attack. The river was cold and icy, and the British had filled the waterway with hundreds of bobbing zombies, anchored in place, with their arms and heads floating above the icy stream. They could not freeze to death in the frosty river, being dead already. There was much trepidation amongst our soldiers at this ghastly sight as we crossed, these zombies with only their heads and arms visible, snarling and grabbing at us in our longboats, trying to bite and capsize us.

The zombies continued to molest us as we crossed. At one point, one of the creatures even
grabbed my boot and tried to bite me. But with a swing of my sword, its head was removed and impaled upon my sword, which I held aloft and raised up, much to the delight of our troops. And our brave oarsmen beat back these snarling creatures as they paddled, allowing us safe passage.

Just after Christm
as of 1776, we crossed back again over the Delaware river and into Trenton, and thereby surprised and attacked the ale-sucking German mercenaries who were there encamped, hungover after their Christmas carousing. In battle, we killed a few and captured over 900 Hessians, as well as a shitload of cannons and horses. We thus withdrew back yet again across the Delaware with great success.

My subordinate
commander, General Cadwalader, was very lately arrived at the unoccupied Trenton we had just previously left. And not wishing to leave him undefended, we once again crossed the Delaware, for the fourth time, to join forces with him. But by this time, that fucker Cornwallis had arrived near Princeton with 8,000 troops, including many zombies as well.

The terms of enlis
tment for nearly half my army was due to expire at year’s end, and on Dec 30th, I pleaded with them to remain on, and render great service to their country by beating back these British shitbags. To my surprise and delite, over half the troops that were set to depart remained to fight on!

On January 2, Co
rnwallis pressed against our position at Trenton, nearly trapping us, but as night fell, he stupidly stopped the attack and waited until morning to recommence hostilities. We were later told he wanted a good night’s rest and a lovely breakfast before “whipping the Colonial rabble.”  Yeah, right, like I was gonna stay there, nearly surrounded, and wait for my ass to get handed to me!

In the night, we silently withdrew and marched around to Princeton
, to the British rear, and made good our escape. The morning skirmishing there escalated into a full battle, where I personally led troops against British forces in Princeton, which led to their hurried withdrawl. We had us a fine fox hunt chasing down the retreating British in their flight!

Our actions here
have thus far preserved the Continental Army and the fight for freedom. The British have generally withdrawn from New Jersey, but the approach of summer will no doubt lead to a resumption of the fighting.

We
can only hope in the providence of almighty God, and the continued stupidity of that fucknut Cornwallis, to guide our destiny.

I remain forever, your loving hunny-bunny,

Georgie

Chapter 49

                         A Grumpy Cornwallis Laments His Failures

Lord General Cornwallis was pissed. The riff-raff patchwork of vagabonds that be believed comprised the Continental Army
had remained a thorn in his side well into the new year, and he had come to despise the name of George Washington. Cornwallis had failed to defeat or capture Washington’s army when he had the chance at Trenton, and the remainder of the Winter and Spring of 1777 was uneventful.
Now, in the Summer of 1777, Cornwallis received reports of two other Revolutionary War battles in August which did not involve either himself or Washington. 

In the
minor battle of Battle of Oriskany, New York, the Colonials lost nearly 400 killed and nearly 80 wounded or captured, which represented over half of the American soldiers that were deployed there. British losses were minor, with under a hundred killed and a lesser number wounded or captured.

T
he Battle of Bennington, New York, however, was a stinging defeat for the British, with their force of 1,400 soldiers suffering losses of over 200 killed and 700 captured!  The American force of nearly 2400 suffered only 70 killed or wounded, with no prisoners captured.

Cornwallis slammed his fist on his desk
in anger over this loss and then put quill and ink to parchment before summoning his aide Smithers into the office.

“Yes, General?”
Smithers said upon entering.

“Issue the
se new orders to all officers under my command,” Cornwallis barked.  “Read them over now, so there is no confusion.”

“By order of General Cornwallis,”
said Smithers reading aloud, “All American soldiers and infantrymen captured by British forces will be deemed traitors to the crown and will be immediately executed for conversion into zombie soldiers of his Majesty’s Royal Command.”
              “Go on,” Cornwallis said.

“Any Colonial officers captured in battle will still be imprisoned, rather than executed,” Smithers continued.
“Though they will still be given their three beatings daily whilst incarcerated.” Smithers made a motion as if he wanted to say something.

“Did you have a comment?” Cornwallis asked.

“Well, General,” Smithers asked, “will not an order such as this …antagonize the enemy?”

“I certainly hope they shall be antagonized,”
Cornwallis replied haughtily. “I truly do. We have thus far been too lenient and forgiving with this Colonial rabble. I’m done going easy on them.”

Chapter 50

The British Fail to Win the Battle of Brandywine

By Stopping for Tea and a Picnic Lunch

By September of 1777, Washington had smartly deployed his troops in a highly defensible position along Brandywine Creek, near Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. He correctly surmised that Cornwallis and the British would come after him, and he wanted to deploy his army to provide the best possible defense. Using the creek as a natural barrier, he surmised, the British would have great difficulty in a successful frontal assault. And in this supposition, General Washington was correct.

What Washington did not r
ealize, however, was that the British and Cornwallis had no intention of making a frontal assault upon his position. But they wanted Washington to think that a frontal assault was impending.