"Go right ahead, Honey. We’ll watch her." As Ryan trudged into their room, Jamie asked, "Do you have anything you’d like to do for dinner, Honey? We probably need to make reservations."
"No noise, no kids," Ryan decreed, closing the door firmly behind her.
"Well, that should be easy to find at Disneyland," Jamie smiled at her mother.
"Any ideas?"
"Of course, Honey. I’m full of ideas."
"You know," Catherine said as she rocked Caitlin in her arms, "it makes me feel better to see that even Ryan has her moments when the baby is too much for her."
"It hasn’t happened since I’ve known her," Jamie revealed, "but then, we’ve never had her for this long, either. Annie is even more patient than Ryan, and she’s told me that sometimes she wants to put her in her crib and close the door for a few hours. I think this is really good for us," she said reflectively. "I’d been thinking that it might be nice to have a baby next year, but this is making me re-think that."
Catherine’s eyes fluttered closed, and before she could censor herself she said, "Oh, Jamie, please don’t do that."
"Don’t do what, have a child, or wait?" Jamie asked confusedly.
Catherine shook her head briskly, angry with herself for butting into her daughter’s business. "I’m sorry. I shouldn’t try to force my opinions on you, Honey."
"No, Mom, I want your opinion. This is important," she urged.
Catherine took a deep breath, trying to decide how much of her feelings to reveal. "I ah…I don’t think it’s wise to have a child so soon, Honey."
"I know it was hard for you, Mom," Jamie acknowledged, " but things will be easier for us. We’ve got a really good support system with Ryan’s family, and I know you’ll be there for us."
Catherine nodded, smiling fondly at her daughter for knowing that she would support her in any way possible. "I’m sure you’re right, Dear. I’m just being silly."
There was a long, uncomfortable silence as Jamie tried to discern the hidden cause of her mother’s concern. She finally turned to her and asked, "You’re not worried about the baby part, are you?" she asked.
The silence continued for a few more moments. "Not entirely," Catherine admitted.
"What is it, Mom? Come on, level with me."
Catherine shook her head, not wanting to be drawn into this discussion. "Jamie, I spoke out of turn. I have my own projections that I’m putting onto you, and it’s not fair. I’m sure you and Ryan will do what’s right for you."
Not buying the brush-off, Jamie persisted. "Why won’t you be honest with me, Mom? I thought we trusted each other?"
She was clearly hurt, and Catherine once again regretted bringing up the subject. "All right, Dear. I uh…I don’t know how to say this delicately, so I’ll just say it." She took a deep breath, and looked down at the baby, seemingly afraid to meet her daughter’s eyes. "You’ve told me that Ryan’s been with a lot of other women."
"Yeah," Jamie said, puzzled at the direction of the conversation.
"I think it might be a good idea to see how she adjusts to monogamy before you decide to have children together."
All at once, it all became clear to Jamie. She knew why her parents treated each other so coolly; she knew why her mother could be gone for months at a time without any qualms; she knew why she never saw her parents kiss or display any physical affection. All of these thoughts flashed in her mind so quickly that her face twitched and contorted as she was bombarded with the images.
Catherine saw the tumult on her daughter’s face and misinterpreted it. "I’m sorry for saying that, Jamie. I certainly don’t think badly of Ryan. I just…I’ve seen so many of my friends…"
Jamie cut her off, looking at her with deep compassion. "When was the first time?" she asked softly.
"The first time?" Catherine asked, not understanding the question.
"When did Daddy start having affairs?" she asked again, making her question plainer.
Catherine blanched, clutching at the neckline of her dress with a shaking hand. "I didn’t say that to imply…," she began, but her determined daughter cut her off again.
"It’s obvious, Mom. I should have seen it years ago. When did it start?" Her voice was quiet but firm, and Catherine could feel the love and support pouring from her daughter, encouraging her to speak the truth.
Strangely, at the last minute she pulled back and said, "Jamie, every marriage has problems, and we’ve had our share. I just don’t think it wise to burden you with them. Please let us have our secrets."
"It’s okay, Mom," she urged. "It’s obvious that Daddy’s been unfaithful. Please tell me."
She was really pleading now, but Catherine held her ground. She knew that Jamie and her father had a difficult road ahead, and she had no intention of making that path any more arduous than it had to be. Jamie could have her suspicions, but Catherine was not going to be the one to confirm them to her daughter. "No, Honey," she said gently. "Both of us have made mistakes in our marriage. We’ve hurt each other deeply. But that doesn’t give me the right to talk about him behind his back. I made a vow that I would honor our relationship, Honey, and talking about things like this is not very honorable."
Jamie nodded, perversely pleased that her mother would not reveal their troubles. She knew in her soul that her father had been unfaithful—she could see it written in the bold emotions that flashed across her mother’s face—but she was filled with new respect for the woman for keeping his secrets. "I won’t ask again," she said softly. Rising from her chair she crouched down in front of her mother and leveled her gaze. "Thank you for never letting me see the trouble you were having. It was awfully nice to grow up in an intact family."
"You’ve always been our first concern, Jamie," Catherine said honestly, wrapping her free arm around her daughter.
"Do you have someone you can confide in, Mom?" she asked softly, not able to bear her mother dealing with her hurts alone.
"$200 an hour buys a very good listener," Catherine joked, some of her normal wry humor returning to her voice.
Ryan emerged from their room at seven, her sleep-creased face and nearly-shut eyes speaking volumes of her very recent awakening. She stood in the doorway scratching her head, looking like she didn’t know what direction to travel in.
"Come here, Love," Jamie urged, patting the cushion next to her. Catherine was sitting on the floor with the baby, both of them intently watching The Little Mermaid on the Disney Channel. Ryan shuffled over to the couch, her feet never leaving the carpet. Folding her long frame onto the available space, she draped her legs over the arm of the sofa, resting her head in Jamie’s lap.
As skillful fingers began to rub her scalp Ryan warned, "I’ll be out in moments if you keep that up."
"That’s fine," Jamie urged. "Go back to sleep, Sweetheart. We’re having dinner delivered. Sleep ‘til it gets here."
Without a word of protest, the broad chest began to rise and fall slowly, closed eyes darting rapidly under long-lashed lids.
A quiet rap on the door caused Ryan’s eyes to pop open a half-hour later. Alert blue orbs scanned the room, fixing everyone’s position as Catherine got up to answer. Ryan sat up as the door opened to a man carrying two large grocery bags.
Turning to her partner, Ryan asked, " ‘Webvan.com’ down here? Without a computer?"
"No, Honey," Jamie said. "We had to do this the old-fashioned way. Via the telephone."
The man set the bags on the table, happily accepting the money that Catherine handed him. He counted it aloud as he moved to the door, turning to give her a pleasant smile as he determined how much his tip was. "Call any time!" he said brightly.
"What was that all about?" Ryan asked, going to the bags to watch Catherine unpack.
"We thought it would be nice to have dinner brought to us," Catherine informed her. "So I asked the concierge for the name of the best grocery store in Orange County. I spoke with the manager of the store, we made the arrangements, he called a cab, and here we are."
She said this all so matter-of-factly that Ryan had to laugh. "I bet it was a little harder than that, Catherine."
"Only a little," she insisted. "They were really quite accommodating."
"I just bet they were," Ryan commented wryly, knowing that money talked.
Over some fabulous duck raviolis they discussed their plans for the remainder of their trip. "I need to go on some roller coasters," Ryan decided.
"Go over tonight," Catherine urged. "You can put Caitlin to bed and stay until they close, since you had such a good nap."
"Done," the dark woman decreed. "Now, since the baby hasn’t really seen the park, maybe we should take her over tomorrow for the early admission and let her explore Toon Town. Then we could go on a couple of kiddie rides and come back for her nap."
"That sounds good," Jamie agreed. "What do you think, Mom?"
"That’s fine, girls. I think she should go on some type of ride on her first visit."
"What about you, Catherine?" Ryan drawled. "This is your first trip to Disneyland…shouldn’t
you
go on something?"
She looked a bit taken aback as she considered the notion. "I…I…I wouldn’t know what to go on," she admitted. "I’ve never been to an amusement park."
"Never?" Ryan shrieked.
"No, I’m fairly certain that I would remember if I had."
"Jeez, who says rich people have all the fun?!" Ryan asked as she let out an exasperated breath.
As soon as they reached the lobby, Ryan directed Jamie away from the monorail, leading her to one of the deserted pools. She sat on a chaise and pulled her partner down with her, saying, "You’re as tense as a python, Love. I could tell you were putting on a good front, but you don’t have to do that around me. Now tell me what’s going on."
Sighing heavily, Jamie leaned back against her partner, immediately feeling a little better just to be able to vent. "Don’t leave me alone with Mother anymore," she moaned.
"What?!" Ryan asked, the surprise in her voice clear. "I thought you were enjoying being alone with her."
With a bitter laugh Jamie said, "I enjoy everything but the revelations she keeps dropping on me. I don’t think I can take much more, Ryan," she said softly.
Beginning to massage the tense muscles in her partner’s shoulders, Ryan asked, "What now, Honey?"
"My father had an affair." Jamie’s voice was flat, but Ryan could feel the torrent of emotion that was poorly hidden by her tone.
Unconsciously, Ryan’s hands stilled as the weight of the secret she carried settled onto her shoulders. She had put more thought and spent more time worrying about this issue than she had invested on her decision on where to attend graduate school. In her heart, she knew that Jamie would want to know about her father’s indiscretion, but she was just as confident that it would have done no good to tell her. She knew that telling would severely harm Jamie’s relationship with her father, and she had a real fear that having the secret out in the open could destabilize the Evans marriage. Even though it was incredibly hard for her to keep this knowledge to herself, she still thought it was the correct decision. Over time, she had developed a well-thought-out code that she tried to never vary from. That code dictated that she never reveal secrets about a living person unless she could spare someone else pain by doing so.
When the incident with Jim had first occurred, Ryan had been tormented about what to do. Finally deciding that she needed to stick to her beliefs, even though she knew Jamie would be unhappy about it, she had been able to put the issue aside for the most part. Now, however, she tried to still her heart, knowing that she had to reveal what she knew, now that the secret was out.
Jamie continued, "I don’t know if this is something that happened a long time ago or if it’s still going on, but the whole thing sickens me," she said, leaning hard into Ryan’s body.
Oh, shit!
she cried in dismay.
Well, that clinches it
, Ryan thought to herself.
She doesn’t know much—Catherine might not even know that it’s still going on. If it made sense to keep the damn secret before, it still does now!
The tense body in her arms moved slowly, as Jamie’s head swiveled around so that she could look into Ryan’s eyes. "You aren’t surprised," she said slowly. It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, and she cocked her head quizzically, seeking confirmation.
In an instant, Ryan had to make her decision. Pursing her lips, she decided to follow her conscience and not reveal what she knew. "I’m not surprised, Jamie," she said softly, her eyes blinking slowly. "I uh…I think it’s pretty darned common for powerful people to cheat. I read a survey once that showed there was a very high correlation among wealth, power and cheating," she said.
Satisfied with her answer, Jamie turned and cuddled into Ryan’s body once again. "I don’t care if every other man in America did it," she said, her anger just below the surface of her still-calm voice. "It sickens me, Ryan. I’ll never be able to respect him again."
Resuming her massage, Ryan urged, "Please don’t say that, Honey. I know that you’re angry, but it’s really hard to look at someone’s marriage and assign blame. That’s really between your parents."
"You didn’t see her eyes, Ryan," she said softly, a few tears starting to fall. "You didn’t see the hurt."
"No, I didn’t," Ryan agreed, leaning over to kiss Jamie’s head. "I’m really sorry that your mom had to go through that. I can’t imagine how much that would hurt." Still stroking her back, Ryan stated one more time, "Even though it’s a horrible thing for your mom, I still think you have to let it be between them, Honey. This isn’t your fight, and I can’t imagine that your mom wants you to fight her battles for her."