Getting Waisted
Authors: Monica Parker
Tags: #love, #survival, #waisted, #fat, #society, #being fat, #loves, #guide, #thin
Praise for
Getting Waisted . . .
“Funny, frank, and refreshingly honest,
Getting Waisted
is Monica Parker’s audacious memoir about her lifelong love/hate relationship with her body. But this book isn’t really about being fat; it’s about being human, and every woman who has ever used food to sate an emotional emptiness, or longed for self-acceptance, should read it.”
—Jillian Medoff,
bestselling author of
I Couldn’t Love You More
and
Hunger Point
“I love Monica’s humor, her honesty, and—better—her truth. That love letter to her unexpected boyfriend is something every woman will want to live. I love her compassionate, funny, sharp, beautiful, and romantic voice. It’ll make
sooo
many women feel they are not alone.”
—Katie Ford,
writer/producer of the box-office smash,
Miss Congeniality
,
and the TV series,
Desperate Housewives
“Monica Parker brings a human—and funny—face to the body politic that dictates that happiness and acceptance derive only from a slim physique. She courageously mines her life experience, in and out of the public eye, not only exposing her vulnerabilities but also revealing her resilience and hard-won self-acceptance. Monica’s story inspires and her message is truly off the scale.”
—David J. Pilon, Ph.D.,
2012 president, Eating
Disorders Association of Canada
—
Association des Troubles Alimentaire du Canada
“Monica Parker’s work is outstanding. What she writes about mirrors the experience of many, and her capture of it is clever, poignant, and leaves her readers feeling like we belong. Thank you, Monica, for exposing our nutty ways through your humor and naked honesty. It inspires me, and others, to become more and more of who we really are meant to be.”
—Christie Andrus,
M.A.
, president,
The Human Factor
“Thank God Monica Parker has turned her revelatory one-woman show into a hilarious memoir. At times both gobsmacking and inspiring, it’s a story for any human who has struggled with “fitting in” and gaining ever elusive self-acceptance and love.”
—Sarah Rafferty,
actress, “Donna Paulson”
on USA Network’s hit drama
Suits
“Ever known a female worried about losing her virginity, bathing suits, and finding Prince Charming while battling body issues? Ever known a female who hasn’t? Meet Monica Parker, the brilliant, witty, and perceptive woman who has gifted us with a hysterically funny, painfully honest, and outrageous true-life memoir. Because Monica is a gifted writer, right up there in the Pantheon with Nora Ephron and Carrie Fisher, there’s more than laughter here. This is ultimately
a story, populated by a parade of incredible characters, about breaking free from societal stereotypes to embracing who you are, and living life on your own terms. Parker has done that with enormous charm, wit and humor, emerging as a happy and successful actress, writer, producer, and inspirational speaker living an extraordinary life—and with her Prince Charming at her side. She beat the odds, and after reading this wonderful book, I think I can too!”
—Arlene Sarner,
award-winning
screenwriter/playwright/producer
“
Getting Waisted
is funny as hell, and the good news is, it’s not just for big girls. It’s a welcome tonic for anyone who has ever looked in the mirror and felt insecure . . . hello skinny, flat-chested girls with cat-eye glasses! Her adventures through self-doubt and into the sunshine of self-love are full of sass and panache. She’s a cheerleader of the ‘don’t let ’em get you down’ school of survival, and the BFF we all want on the other end of the line. So let’s have a piece of chocolate, reapply that red lipstick, and get out there and give ’em hell, girls! Life’s a cake and Monica wants more. I’ll have what she’s having!
—Wendy Crewson,
award-winning actress
“Play the hand you’ve been dealt. Heard it before? It’s never rung so true as from this very funny, brutally honest voice. In
Getting Waisted
, Monica Parker shares ‘the 101 humiliations it cost her to create the evolved woman’ she’s become. She finds a comedic take on most of those mortifying events, and chalks up the rest to the fire needed for the forge. Few of us escape the curse of comparison, especially with the media bombarding us with impossible standards of beauty and lifestyle, but Ms. Parker, in true Rabelaisian spirit, inspires us to get on with it, to accept and forgive. What an amusing kick in the ass!”
—Kerrie Keane,
artistic director,
White Buffalo Theatre Company
Monica Parker
would love to hear from you! Maybe you, too, have endured 101 humiliations on the road to self-acceptance. E-mail her at
[email protected]
to share your experiences, and your story just might be selected for her future e-book,
101 Humiliations (Or How to Turn Sticks & Stones into the Backbone That Mak
es Us S
trong)
.
She is also available to speak to your group with her witty, yet inspirational message of loving your body no matter what it looks like, in her “Success at Any Size” presentations. For more information, visit her website
www.gettingwaisted.com.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available through the Library of Congress
ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-1774-3 (Paperback)
ISBN-10: 0-7573-1774-X (Paperback)
ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-1799-6 (ePub)
ISBN-10: 0-7573-1799-5 (ePub)
© 2014 Monica Parker
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.
HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, FL 33442–8190
Cover and interior design by Lawna Patterson Oldfield
Formatting by Dawn Von Strolley Grove
For Gilles and Remy— TMD always and forever.
Con
tents:
Nibbles,
Morsels & Big Bites
Acknowledgments |
Introduction |
- My Parents Did It Once |
- Abominable
| - A Fresh Start |
- Firsts |
- Puppy Fat
| - Speeding to the Waistland |
- A Bitter Aftertaste |
- Bowing to the Master
| - Walking on Water |
- Shaky Ground |
- Starve-a-Palooza |
- Out of Control |
- Not Always a Picnic |
- Retreat |
- Throwing in the Towel |
- Falling Rocks |
- In-Security
| - The Okay Corral |
- A Fat Girl in Thinland |
- He Cooks, I Eat
| - Wine Making |
- Body of Evidence |
- Butter
| - Jelly Belly Mama |
- The Revolving Door |
- The Last Dance |
I have only endless gratitude
to my truly beautiful husband, Gilles, and my remarkable son and daughter-in-law, Remy and Lise. Deep thanks to my indefatigable sister, Gerda Sless, for giving me permission to paint her from my twelve-year-old-self’s brush. Dear, generous, Deborah Burgess for so much; the equally spectacular Noreen Halpern and Kevin Murphy; and Karen and Stewart Tanz for their belief in me. To Denise Deutsch for slogging through snowstorm after snowstorm to help with whatever computer disaster was at hand. To the best friends and family I could ever dream of. I hope you all know how much you mean to me. For continuously offering the help I didn’t always know I needed: Michael Elliot, Perry Zimel, Linda Chester, Nancey Silvers, Betty Gaertner, Ellen Bergeron, Gary Ottoson, Wendy Crewson, Allan Royal, Suzanne McKenney, Kerrie Keane, Arlene Sarner, Shelby and Lee Chaden. For being there to offer direction and assistance: Michelle Shepherd, Sascha Alper, Aviva Leighton, Catherine McCartney, Heather Summerhayes, Jillian Medoff, Shannon Final, Darlene Chan, MJ Rose, Joanna DeGeneres, Margot Allin, Veronique Vial, Jason Jones, Martyn Burke, and so many more. Special acknowledgement to everyone at HCI Books, and heartfelt thanks to my editor, Christine Belleris, and to the PR wonder Kim Weiss.
Normally when I introduce myself,
I like to be well-dressed. When I am writing, however, I usually look like a Chechen peasant woman on her journey to the local dump in the dead of winter: I sport an oversized T-shirt that is nearly sheer from too many washings (but is at the peak of softness), accented with a faded sarong tied over a pair of tattered sweatpants, tucked into floppy-eared house slippers. This glorious outfit is accompanied by a pill-y wool shawl that, if recollection serves right, was once deep blue, but after so much wear and tear is no longer any known color. This is what I wear, so that I can’t bolt. There is a frayed “leave all deliveries” sign on my door because this outfit is not even fit for rejecting Jehovah’s Witnesses. Therefore, I’d like to apologize for meeting you like this because I am as far from “runway ready” as I could possibly be. I can’t even offer you cake to make up for the image I have surely branded on your ocular nerve. It’s apparently frowned upon in this gluten-free hemisphere. Aw hell, if I could magically share the gooiest, yummiest triple-tiered chocolate cake with all of you who have come here to get to know me and my thoughts on why dieting doesn’t work, it would be my pleasure to dish it up. But seeing as cake teleportation is still nothing but cheap talk, you’ll have to read along as I dish it up in a whole other way.
This book is all about my desperate attempt to get thin, aided and abetted by a whole whack of diet hucksters and hustlers, all promising the fastest fix to a better new me. I could hardly wait to throw my hard-earned money at their feet. And, like Alice, I drank their elixirs and became tiny. What they didn’t tell me was—it wouldn’t last.
The need to alter my body started from the moment my little yellow head, followed by my chubby, jaundiced body, appeared on the planet. This is the tale of that fat baby growing into a fat adolescent and continuing to grow and grow, until I became me: a fat woman. Along the way, I disappointed almost everyone on my path as I gained and lost and gained, over and over, fueled by my need to be liked, loved, and wooed. Unconsciously, I developed a personality resistant to failure; like a child’s Bop Bag, I stood up each time I was knocked down, and each time I grew stronger, funnier, and more powerful in my conviction that I was going to dazzle the world on my own terms. But this didn’t happen without a few scratches, dents, and dings along the way.
This is also about an unexpected and unimaginable love story that should give pause to every man and woman, of all shapes and sizes, who don’t think this could happen for them. It can. It happened for me.
As a way of thanking you for coming along on my journey, it’s my pleasure to offer you a cup of politically incorrect deliciousness, the most dangerous recipe in the world:
Five-Minute
CHOCOLATE
Mug Cake
4 T flour
4 T sugar
2 T cocoa
1 egg
3 T milk
3 T oil
3 T chocolate chips (optional)
A small smash of vanilla extract
1 large microwave-safe coffee mug
(This yummy
dessert can serve
two if you need to
feel virtuous.)
Add dry ingredients to mug and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate chips (if using), and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put mug in microwave and cook for three minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug but don’t be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, then tip out onto plate, if desired. EAT!
And why is this
the
most dangerous cake recipe in the world? Because now you are all only five minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night! Life is tough. It’s either tranquilizers or cake.