With these last dreadful words the old man withdrew, led by the youngster. The Committee Chairman restrained Taliped from assaulting him, and presently the Dean retired, much agitated, into the Deanery, pausing on the doorsill to shake his fist at the crabbed back of the Proph-prof Emeritus. The Chairman then gathered the committee around him to sing an ode on this appalling new development. This time they danced in pairs and clapped their hands three times sharply at the end of the longer lines.
Things have gone from bad to worse
, [
STROPHE
1
And in singsong doggerel verse
We will sing a song of things that make us stagger:
First the Founder’s Hall Proph-prof
,
Then Gynander sounded off
,
And it seems as though the Dean’s a mother-shagger
.
Though he’s often made us sore
, [
ANTISTROPHE
1
No one’s called him
that
before;
So we trust Gynander’s just a little batty
.
It’s a first-class tragic trauma
To be told you’ve humped your momma
,
And to further hear you’ve murthered dear old Daddy
.
But Dean Taliped’s no dummy;
[
STROPHE
2
Agenora’s not his mummy
(
Even if she’s over fifty, which she sure is
).
Though the old dean came a cropper
,
He could not have been the poppa
Of a lad who came to Cadmus as a tourist
.
So we won’t believe the slander
[
ANTISTROPHE
2
That our old Proph-prof, Gynander
,
Made us ill with—not until it’s verified
.
Since the Dean pays us our wages
,
We declare the charge outrageous
And quite false. The Dean’s our boss. Gynander lied
.
Dean Taliped’s brother-in-law now strode onstage and commenced the second episode by addressing the Committee Chairman:
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | Just now I met that sly old pederast Gynander, with his boyfriend, and I asked him how his interview with Taliped had gone. If half of what the bugger said is true, then cross my heart and hope to flunk if I don’t break the neck of that young skunk my sister had the lack of sense to marry. Called me a traitor, did he? I declare! |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | He did say something of the sort, I’m sure . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | I’ll slug him! |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | What, and lose your sinecure? I’ll bet you will . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | A whipping-boy—that’s what he’s looking for! This guff about a plot against him is a way to pass the buck for his bad judgment . |
| | [Enter TALIPED , from Deanery] |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | Well, I wish you luck; you’re going to need it . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | Hah! I’ve half a mind to punch his nose! |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | He’s standing right behind you . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | He wha– Oh, hi there, Taliped, old buddy! Ha ha! I was just saying how that cruddy Proph-prof ought to be hauled in for selling baloney without a license. I was telling my old friend here that. Ha ha! Ha! Ha . |
| TALIPED: | He said I murdered Pa and mounted Ma . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | Gyander said that? Wait till I see him! |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | [ TO BROTHER-IN-LAW ] Don’t sock the Dean too hard . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: TALIPED: | [ TO TALIPED ] |
| | I ought to trim the rascal’s ears back for him! And I ought to break your scheming neck for you! You thought I didn’t see what you were up to? Haw! Gynander and my own dear brother-in-law! Who would’ve thought you had the guts? |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | He doesn’t , Taliped, believe me . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | [ TO COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN ] |
| | Thanks . |
| TALIPED: | It wasn’t him who hatched the plot? |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | It wasn’t he. |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | No, sir, it wasn’t me . |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | I. |
| TALIPED: | Yes sirree, I think it was. Why did Gynander wait nine years to speak? When I came through the gate of Cadmus that first time, he could have made his crazy speech. The truth is, he was paid to tell those lies today . [ TO BROTHER-IN-LAW ] |
| | You want to be the dean, right? |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | Wrong. It wasn’t me . |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | It wasn’t I . |
| TALIPED: | [ TO COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN ] |
| | Who said it was? |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | Excuse me . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | [ TO TALIPED ] Consider this, sir, and you won’t accuse me: Why would I want your job, when my own is so much better? You don’t hear me groan, like you, about long hours and great mobs of nincompoops to deal with . |
| TALIPED: | No. |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | My job’s an easy job . |
| TALIPED: | The easiest . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | It pays me well enough . |
| TALIPED: | Too well . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | I’d be crazy to want the deanship. You don’t get the credit when things go well; the teachers do . |
| TALIPED: | You said it . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | And yet when things go wrong you take the blame . |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | [Aside] Not if he can help it . |
| TALIPED: | All the same, I say you’re out to get me, and since I’m the dean, what I say goes . |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | [Aside] Now there’s a prime example of his keen intelligence! |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | You’re not a dean, sir, when you don’t talk sense . |
| TALIPED: | For Cadmus’ sake! |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | This joint’s my alma mater; it isn’t yours . |
| TALIPED: | Oh boy, you’re in hot water now! [Enter AGENORA , from Deanery. |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | Hey, look: here comes old Agenora . [Aside] That woman can’t resist a quarrel or a man. Her tongue is second to none for meanness, and she’ll sleep with anything that has a— [ TO AGENORA ] |
| | Deaness, dear! How nice you look today! So young! |
| AGENORA: | And you’re so gallant. Pity you’re not well hung . [ TO TALIPED ] What’s going on here, lover? Gee, you’re cute when something makes you angry . |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | The dispute you overheard was Taliped accusing me of treason! |
| AGENORA: | That’s the most amusing poppycock I’ve heard all day . |
| TALIPED: | It’s true . |
| AGENORA: | You’re handsome, strong, and sexy, doll, but you don’t have as much upstairs as down below . Him a traitor! Sweetums, don’t you know he couldn’t hurt a flea? He’s such a lily! |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | Thanks a lot, Sis . |
| AGENORA: | Now, then: quit this silly squabbling, before Momma spanks you both. My brother signed the Cadmus loyalty oath; that proves he’s loyal, doesn’t it? Of course . |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | [Aside] She reasons like the Dean himself . [ TO TALIPED ] There’s force in what she says, sir . |
| AGENORA: | Who asked you? |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | Beg pardon, beautiful . [Aside] I couldn’t get a hard on with such a sharp-tongued, nymphomanic sow even to gain a deanship—which is how young Taliped got where he is today . |
| AGENORA: | “Peace in the Deanery,” I always say. Let’s have one now, all right? It’s been a while. Forget this treason nonsense, love, and I’ll show you what the old dean used to run for . |
| TALIPED: | Close your mouth once! Don’t you see I’m done for if he’s not guilty? It’s a doggone sticky spot I’m in! This loudmouth Chairman tricked me into promising I’d sack whoever killed Labdakides, and then your clever brother paid Gynander to pretend that I’m the guilty one. Should I suspend myself? It’s me or your flunking brother! |
| AGENORA: | My little man’s upset! Come here to Mother … |
| TALIPED: | For Founder’s sake, don’t talk like that! Not here in public, anyhow . |
| AGENORA: | All right, my dear; you always used to like it, though, when I’d talk baby-talk to you, and we’d play hide-and-seek at night upstairs, all mother-naked— |
| TALIPED: | There you go again, for pity’s sake! It isn’t like it used to be! |
| AGENORA: | It sure isn’t! You don’t love me any morel |
| TALIPED: | Agenora, dear— |
| AGENORA: | You think because you’re young and I’m beginning menopause it’s quite all right to ditch me now and take a crack at some young co-ed on the make! You men—that’s all you think of! |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | [Aside] |
| | Look who’s talking . |
| TALIPED: | Now now, my dear; I’d never dream of walking out on you, as you know very well . |
| AGENORA: | Say you love me . |
| TALIPED: | Of course I do . |
| AGENORA: | No, tell me right. |
| TALIPED: | But, sweetheart … |
| AGENORA: | Now! |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | [Aside] |
| | It always pays to hear these things. I’ll bet I get a raise next month, to keep me quiet . |
| AGENORA: | Say it! |
| TALIPED: | Oh, all right . [Whispers] I wuv— |
| AGENORA: | No, don’t just whisper! |
| TALIPED: | So I’ll shout: I WUV OO! [ TO COMMITTEE ] |
| | Don’t you bastards smile! |
| AGENORA: | Again . |
| TALIPED: | I WUV OO VEWWY MUCH! [ TO BROTHER-IN-LAW ] |
| | And I’ll break your grinning head if you don’t get it out of here! |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | Oo mean I’m fwee? |
| TALIPED: | I’ll bet I tear you limb from limb, you flunking boozer! |
| BROTHER-IN-LAW: | Hah. You always were a lousy loser . [Exits |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | So what do we do now, Dean Taliped? |
| TALIPED: | Don’t ask me. I should’ve stayed in bed this morning . |
| AGENORA: | That’s my boy! Come on, let’s run! |
| TALIPED: | What about Gynander? It’s no fun to be accused of parricide—and worse! |
| AGENORA: | Forget that old hermaphrodite. The curse of every campus is its local prophet. Tell him he should take his charge and stuff it . |
| COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: | Mercy, how unorthodox a view! |
| AGENORA: | All right, so it’s unorthodox. So sue me. Look, I’ll prove to you once and for all what liars proph-profs are: one came to call on me and my first husband years ago, just after we were married, and you know what he told Labdakides would be his fortune? |
| TALIPED: | What? |
| AGENORA: | He said I’d better get an abortion quick, or else my husband would be killed by his own son . |
| TALIPED: | And was that curse fulfilled? |
| AGENORA: | Of course not, silly! Naturally I declared the proph-prof was a liar; but he scared Labdakides so bad that when our kid was born—a boy—we secretly got rid of him the way unmarried co-eds do it . |
| TALIPED: | And how was that, I wonder? |
| AGENORA: | Nothing to it: we stuck a peg or something in his feet and dumped him in the woods for crows to eat . |