Girl, 15: Flirting for England (24 page)

‘Quite rude, I would say,’ said Jess, keeping the tone light. ‘On a scale of one to ten, nine and a half, probably. Something about shoving the bacon up her fat French bottom . . . ?’

Jodie groaned.

‘Speaking of which,’ Jess went on, ‘if you keep your eyes open next time she’s getting ready for bed, you might get a glimpse of a gold lamé thong.’

‘Oh no!’ Jodie groaned. ‘Here she comes. I’m about to grovel. But don’t expect me to apologise to Flora. No way!’

Jess didn’t comment. She watched Marie-Louise walking towards them across the grass, and tried to tell from her body language whether she had been reassured or not by the call to her boyfriend.

‘How did it go?’ she asked as Marie-Louise arrived.

‘I am not sure . . . He said eet was just lies, but . . .’ Marie-Louise shrugged. ‘Until I can see ’im face to face . . . Thanks for borrowing me your phone, Jess.’ She gave it back. ‘But on ze phone – it is hard to communicate, yes?’

‘It’s very hard to communicate even face to face,’ said Jess. ‘Jodie wants to apologise to you for her temper tantrum earlier.’

‘Yeah,’ said Jodie. ‘I was totally out of order. Sorry. You have a fabulous bottom.’ Marie-Louise looked alarmed, but faintly pleased.

‘Yes, it’s a lot smaller than either Jodie’s or mine,’ added Jess. Marie-Louise smiled.

‘Don’t worry, Jodie,’ she said, blushing. ‘I h’understand you are h’upset.’

‘No, I’m fine about it now,’ said Jodie, rolling over on to her back –
almost
like a kitten that wants to have its tummy rubbed. ‘Gerard’s got a perfect right to go off with Flora if he wants to. I hope they’ll be very happy.’

‘Ooh, good!’ said Marie-Louise. ‘Escuse me, I am a little cold. I go to get my jumpair.’ She went off to the tent.

‘OK,’ said Jodie, in a low growly voice. ‘So that’s the apology out of the way.’

‘Brilliant! Well done!’ said Jess. ‘Now, for goodness’ sake, don’t go home. It really is great here. And if you go, it’ll spoil it for everybody else. And you said yourself just now that Gerard’s got a perfect right to go off with Flora if he wants to.’

Despite mouthing these civilised words, Jess was secretly clenching her teeth in private rage. She wondered if Gerard had also treated Jodie to the wow factor. Had he held her hand and stared into her eyes and showered her with compliments before moving swiftly on?

‘I only said that to make Marie-Louise feel better,’ muttered Jodie. ‘The only reason I’ll stay – if I do stay – is if we can play some really ingenious trick on them.’

She looked Jess straight in the eye. Basically this was an ultimatum. Jess had to go along with the idea. Possibly even supply the brilliant plan.

‘We’ve got to humiliate them both,’ Jodie went on, like a lion chewing a bone. ‘OK?’

Jess felt a knot of tension and stress gathering just behind her tummy button. OK, Flora had behaved badly – greedily grabbing Gerard without considering anybody or anything else. But after all, she was still Jess’s best friend.

Should she warn Flora that Gerard had actually held hands with Jess only an hour or so before getting off with Flora? If her new beau was a heartbreaker, didn’t Flora have the right to know? And didn’t she also have the right to know that Jodie was plotting a humiliating revenge? Jess sighed.

If she’d been the one to pull Gerard, Jess could imagine how easily the rest of the weekend, and the rest of the gang, might have become kind of irrelevant. In fact, the presence of other people would have been torment. Flora and Fred were Jess’s two best friends on earth, but with Gerard’s arm around her, and the prospect of several hours snogging under some picturesque and solitary tree, well – friendship just might have had to take a back seat for a while.

This was so obviously what Flora was feeling, which is why she and Gerard were so often absent at the moment. Where were they now? Wrapped around each other in an area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, probably. Jess’s stomach sank with bitter jealousy.

‘Think of a cunning plan,’ said Jodie. ‘You’re the one with the brain cells. I want Flora and Gerard on toast by tonight. If I have to sit through another evening with them groping each other I won’t be responsible for my actions.’ She stomped off towards the girls’ tent, grabbed her towel and headed for the farmhouse.

‘I’m taking a shower,’ she called to Jess. ‘Get that thinking cap on! Remember, you’re in training to be a wicked stepmother!’

I was supposed to be a fairy godmother
, thought Jess. Marie-Louise emerged from the girls’ tent, wrapped in a fleece. She sat down by Jess.

‘It is wonderfool now zat Jodie is feelingue bettair,’ she said. ‘Isn’t it?’

Poor deluded French person
, thought Jess.
If only you knew.
But she made some encouraging noises and prodded the fire with a stick.

‘Ah! Fred is coming now!’ said Marie-Louise.

Jess looked up. Fred was indeed climbing over a gate – the same gate which Jess had climbed last night, when she was wet and covered with cow poo. Fred was carrying his Stephen King book.

‘I love Fred!’ said Marie-Louise. ‘He is h’amusing!’

Suddenly Jess realised that there was only one person here who could rescue her from this potentially explosive situation. It was Professor Fred.

Chapter 32

Jess got up and ran across to Fred. He looked alarmed.

‘What is it?’ he said. ‘Has someone died?’

‘No, but unless we act fast, somebody’s gonna.’

‘What?’ Fred raised a quizzical eyebrow. ‘Why ever did I leave my secret lair just now? I blame Stephen King. The bit I was reading was making me feel sick and I felt I needed a break.’

‘Listen!’ said Jess. ‘Jodie’s ordered me to think of a cunning plan and if I don’t come up with something before noon she’s going to bite my head off and spit it in the stream.’

‘Compared to what’s just happened in my book, a mild case of decapitation is really nothing to worry about,’ said Fred.

‘Shut up, Fred! This is serious! Jodie wants to get revenge on Flora and Gerard but I can’t cook up a plan that’s going to upset Flora, much as I hate her right now.’

‘Why do you hate her right now?’ asked Fred. ‘The world of female emotion is so fast moving.’

Whoops!
Jess’s galloping mind screeched to a halt. Fred mustn’t know that she’d ever fancied Gerard herself, let alone held hands with him. That really would be humiliation.

‘Well, you know,’ she gabbled, ‘going off with this French loser instead of having fabulous laughs with me all weekend. He is
such
a moron.’

‘You’ve lost me,’ said Fred. ‘What’s the issue? In words of one syllable or preferably one letter.’

‘Jodie’s in a hissy fit about Flora and Gerard,’ said Jess. ‘Mostly because she fancies him herself. So she’s ordered me to think up a horrid trick to play on them. But I can’t do that, because Flora and I are supposed to be best mates. So I’m asking you to lay on something that will distract Jodie.’

‘To, er, lay on something?’ faltered Fred. ‘Karaoke? A flight in an air balloon? A champagne supper at the Ritz?’

‘Exactly,’ said Jess. ‘Preferably all three. Get it organised, Parsons, or I’ll think of a cunning plan to humiliate
you
.’

‘I am beyond humiliation,’ said Fred. He was getting out his mobile, though. ‘I am the lowest form of human life. I am totally without style or backbone. Nothing you could possibly do or say could upset me. Stones and grass envy me.’

He switched on his mobile and started to text at speed. Jess tried to take a peek, but Fred shrugged her off. Then he finished his message and pocketed the phone.

‘Who were you texting?’ demanded Jess, fascinated.

‘It’s a mystery,’ said Fred. ‘Now let’s get back to that fire and get some tucker lined up. All that violence has given me an appetite.’

They joined Marie-Louise at the campfire, and Edouard also appeared with another armful of logs.

‘Isn’t he a little treasure?’ said Fred.

‘Don’t talk about him behind his back under his nose like that,’ said Jess. She was beginning to feel protective towards Edouard. After all, he had rescued her several times that weekend. She smiled at Edouard and he smiled back.

‘Good! Wood!’ She grinned and gave him the thumbs up. ‘Thank you!’

‘Goodwood!’ said Edouard in a friendly way. ‘You are a pleasure!’ Wow! Communication was taking place. Well, nearly.

Marie-Louise produced a fabulous snack involving Danish pastries, French croissants and the infamous British treat, the Chelsea bun. They put the kettle on for hot chocolate. Then, suddenly, there was a blast of racing car noise from Fred’s pocket: Fred’s Formula One ringtone. He took out his mobile and checked the text message.

‘Who is it?’ said Jess. ‘Is it an answer to your SOS?’

Fred texted back a few words without answering her.

‘What’s happening?’ pleaded Jess.

‘I’ve called in the cavalry,’ said Fred. ‘You’ll soon find out.’

Jess was vastly intrigued, but was obliged to have a long conversation with Marie-Louise about different sorts of dogs, before, eventually, the kettle reached a shrieking boil just as Jodie reappeared.

‘Jess,’ she said, ‘Auntie Rose says your washing’s dry and if you want, you can go and iron it.’

‘Great!’ cried Jess. ‘Ironing! I so love it! Just the treat I was hoping for.’ She scrambled to her feet.

‘I hear the people who invented skiing holidays are going to market ironing holidays next,’ said Fred.

‘Fabulous! I’ll start saving up right now!’ said Jess. Despite her hatred of ironing, she was glad to have an excuse to escape from Jodie.

‘I’ll come with you,’ said Jodie, disastrously. ‘Hang on, I’ll just get my washing.’

She grabbed some clothes from the girls’ tent and joined Jess. As they turned to go, Jess gave Fred a parting glance. He was pulling his ‘Jodie angry’ face, based on bulging eyes and a sulky, pouting lower lip. Jess almost cracked up, but just managed to restrain herself.

‘Right,’ said Jodie, as they walked to the farmhouse, ‘so what’s the plan?’

‘It’s going to be a surprise,’ said Jess.

‘Tell me!’ ordered Jodie. ‘Because I’ve thought of some ace ideas anyway. We could find some frogspawn and fill their sleeping bags with it. Or we could follow them next time they sneak off together for a snog. We could hide in the bushes and make slurping and groaning noises.’

‘Don’t worry,’ said Jess, secretly appalled at the poverty of Jodie’s imagination – though Jess herself had thought of precisely zilch. ‘It’s all arranged. You don’t have to do a thing.’

‘Yeah, but what
exactly
is going to happen?’ said Jodie, nagging away at Jess’s side. ‘It’s got to be good, and it’s got to be, like, totally devastatingly
humiliating
. I want Flora
on toast
, OK? So let’s have the gory details, right now!’

Jess’s mind went into overdrive. What she had hoped would be a relaxing mini-break with the ironing board was going to turn into an interrogation by the Gestapo.

Chapter 33