Authors: LD Davis
Her fingers curled on her knees as she swallowed repeatedly several times. When she spoke, her voice was broken, like she was on the verge of crying. “I’m sorry, but I…I was so scared. I was just a kid myself, Tabitha. I saw Tack and May tumbling out of control and I felt myself losing control and I just…I didn’t want to be powerless. And I know it seems like I just deserted them but I didn’t know how to help them and I couldn’t risk getting pulled back into all of that. You have to understand that.”
I did understand that. I had never been addicted to anything—Leo’s kisses didn’t count. I thought about how I act when I get a strong craving for a certain food, how I will think about it constantly and seek it out and then devour it. Too much food can be bad enough, but what if it was a drug, like cocaine? What if I couldn’t stop?
“Well,” I sighed. “I’m over it. I lost a lot of time with people I really care about because of my own inhibitions and I’m sorry, Emmy. I am glad you got over your drug problem and that you’re okay now, and I’m glad I went to Lucas’s party and got to meet him.”
Emmy laughed even though she looked sad as she wiped away a few tears. “Thank you, but I’m not okay.”
She realized what she said and then amended it with, “I mean, who’s really okay these days, right?”
I looked at her with concern. “
Are
you okay?”
She smiled. It was genuine, but still so much sadness behind it, and it made me wonder what the hell else she had gone through that I was unaware of. I suppose we all have our secrets.
“I’m as okay as I can be,” she said vaguely. “How is Tack now?”
Exasperated, I said, “He’s trying to clean up, he really is. His girlfriend is pregnant and he wants to be a good father to his baby, but it’s hard. Almost all of his friends are addicts. He knows every drug hole in the Tri-State Area. I don’t know how he can quit something he’s been doing for almost fifteen years when he’s surrounded by it.”
“Maybe he should try an out of state rehab?” Emmy suggested.
“He’s done all of that in the past,” I sighed.
“There’s some affluent rehab center in the middle of nowhere in France. It’s a farm, literally. Since they are in the middle of nowhere, they only make one trip a month to get supplies, and they grow and kill all their own food. Clients can only go there after a detox though, because their medical facilities are minimally equipped. I heard about it when I was over there when I was, uh, pregnant with Lucas.”
There was a story with that, but I didn’t feel right asking. Instead, I said, “Yeah, but I’ll bet it costs a fortune. I make good money, but not that good. I’m already feeling uncomfortable after traipsing around Europe and Australia.”
“I can pay for it,” she said it so easily, you would think she was offering to pay for a candy bar.
“What?” I blinked.
“I can pay for it,” she said insistently. “I have the money. Luke pays for everything Lucas and I need and I’ve always been a very good saver. Let me do it, if Tack is willing. Is his girlfriend an addict?”
“No. Believe it or not, she’s never done a drug in her life, and yet she fell in love with my drug addict brother. Go figure.”
“Can’t help who you love,” Emmy shrugged.
“Guess not,” I agreed.
“So, let me do this for Tack, for your whole family,” Emmy said. “Don’t tell me it’s too much money and don’t give me any of that bullshit about charity or owing people. We haven’t been around each other in a long, long time, Tabby, but we’re still family. We’ll always be family, and families take care of each other.”
Flustered, I chuckled and said, “But it’s up to Tack.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll convince him, and we can send his girlfriend out there, too. She won’t be able to stay too close to the facility, because like I said, there’s nothing really out there. I’m sure we can figure something out so that they can be somewhat close.”
“Okay.” I grinned. “Okay! Oh, my god, I can’t wait to tell him. Thank you, thank you so much.” We stood up and started toward the door. It was getting late and she had a child to take care of in the morning. I stopped at the door and turned to Emmy. “Listen, Leo and I are going to be in Belmar for the holiday. It’s a big house. Why don’t you and Lucas come stay? You can stay the weekend or the whole week, whatever you like. I’ll invite Mayson and Donya, too.”
Emmy’s eyes lit up. “I’d love that. Thank you.”
“I’ll be in touch,” I said and then surprised her when I embraced her. “Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome,” she said softly. “And Tabitha?”
“Hmm?”
“Don’t wait another fifteen years to tell me when you’re pissed at me.”
Not all relationships can be mended. Two months after I became reacquainted with my cousin Emmy, Leslie finally broke the stillness that had been lying between us in this letter:
Tabitha,
First, I should tell you that I don’t hate you. I don’t despise you or dislike you. You were my best friend once upon a time, and I will always have a place for you in my heart. We went in two different directions after high school, and I became so absorbed in my new friends and new life that I forgot about you little by little. A missed call here, an unopened email there, they added up until there were weeks and then months between conversations and reunions. I am sorry for that. It wasn’t something I meant to happen. I used to think that we would be the best of friends until we were old and gray, sitting in rocking chairs on some porch somewhere, chattering toothlessly about our great-great grandchildren.
I know these things happen, friends grow apart and move on without each other, but that doesn’t make it right. I also know that you tried really hard to hold on to our friendship, but I let you down, and I will always feel bad about that. I wish there were a way for me to fix it, but there’s not. We can’t go back, and moving forward...well, I’m not sure about that either.
There was always an element between you and Leo that I didn’t have with him, and I was too young to understand what it all meant. Despite your constant squabbling, you and Leo blended well together. Even with the arguments and insults and headlocks, there was an ebb and flow to your relationship that I was never able to touch. You two had your own private jokes, experiences, and secrets I wasn’t privy to. I didn’t mind. I was glad that my best friend and my boyfriend got along so well, and almost every time the three of us were together, we had fun and made great memories, but I shouldn’t have been surprised when I realized that maybe something happened between the two of you. I know you tried to tell me, and I never wanted to hear it. If I didn’t hear it, it didn’t happen.
You broke our code, and even though I know the code was childish and selfish, it doesn’t hurt me or anger me any less. Code or no code, you tiptoed over a line. It’s hard to see you and Leo together. It was heart-shattering to see the way he touched you, looked at you and spoke to you. I had never seen that kind of tenderness in him before. It is clear that the love between you and him is solid, strong, and real, and I can’t hate you for that, but I can’t watch it either.
I need time. It’s only been a year since Leo and I lost our baby, and less than that since he rejected me (twice). I know that you must really, truly love him, and that you really believe he is the one for you, because I know that you wouldn’t have risked hurting me for anything less, and you wouldn’t have been so ready to kick my ass that day. Likewise, I don’t want to hurt you either. I want you to be happy. We had some good times as kids, but you had it rough and you worked so hard to find your happy place, and if it’s with the first man I ever loved then so be it, because it appears that maybe he was the first one you ever loved, too.
I don’t know if we can ever be friends again. I can’t lie and say I’ll get over it, because I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling bitter about it. But I hope you are happy, and I hope Leo is happy, and I hope that I will be happy soon as well.
Leslie
I sat on the edge of the bed with the letter in my hands and wiped at a few tears. I knew our friendship had been over for some time, but to see confirmation of it still stung. Deep down, I had harbored some hope that Leslie and I would reconnect, work through it, and reform a newer, better friendship, but obviously I had both written and read too many happy endings and my expectations had been too high.
I heard the front door open and slam and then Leo’s quick footsteps.
“I forgot my phone,” he grumbled as he hurried past the open bedroom door toward the office. Seconds later, he was hurrying past again, calling out “Ti amo , dolcezza.”
I heard his feet falter, and then retreat. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him standing in the doorway.
“What’s wrong?”
In response, I held up the letter. Hesitantly, he walked in and took the letter from my hands. As he read, I stared out of the French doors. All of the bedrooms had a view of the beach and the pool, but only the master bedroom had the doors to access them. I was still getting accustomed to the simplistic beauty of the house and its location. I couldn’t have chosen a better home, and I sometimes wondered if Leo had me in mind when he bought the place.
He sat down on the bed beside me, tossing the letter to the center of the bed. He draped an arm across my shoulders and kissed my temple as he pulled me close to him.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he said softly. “This has been your worst fear all along.”
“My worst fear was that she would hate me,” I amended sadly. “But this is a very close second place.”
“Do you want me to talk to her?”
Snuggling up to him, resting my head on his chest, and inhaling his calming scent, I said, “No. I don’t think that will help matters any. She has every right to feel the way she does.”
“I told her everything, you know,” Leo said after a moment of silence. “I told her about the first time I realized I liked you, and I told her the truth about why I started dating her to begin with. I confessed about kissing you when you were upset and everything after that. I went into great detail about my feelings for you, so that I would leave no doubt in her mind. Maybe I shouldn’t have done all of that.”
“Not that I would want it all rubbed in her face, but she probably needed to know,” I said. “We kept so much from her for so long. It’s probably not just that we’re together that is hurting her, but how much she never even knew. This hurts,” I admitted. Then reluctantly added, “But I feel like a heavy weight has been taken off of me now that she knows everything and has responded to it. Not knowing what she would do or say was terrible and crippling in some ways.” I sighed and sat up straight. “You don’t have time for this. You have to go, you have things to do, Pesciano.”
Leo pulled me close again and tilted my chin up so that his sea-colored eyes could look into mine.
“I will always have time for you,
amore mio.
The rest of the world could fall to pieces for all I care. If you need me, you come first.”
“You have such a perty mouth when you say perty words.” I smiled.
“Not as perty as your mouth is.” He grinned wickedly before kissing me gently. He rubbed his nose with mine. “I love you.”
It wasn’t a new sentiment, but I still got a thrill every time Leo told me he loved me.
“I love you, too.” I kissed him quickly and he released me and stood up. “Oh!” I said suddenly as a thought came to mind. “When was the first time you realized you liked me?” I asked. “You once said you knew you loved me after reading my notebook. Is that when you first had any attraction to me?”
Leo smiled fondly as he squatted in front of me and put his hands on my outer thighs. “That’s when I realized I loved you, but it’s not when I first became attracted to you. That happened in like seventh grade.”
“We didn’t go to school together in seventh grade. You were still a Catholic school brat.”
Leo put a finger to my lips. “Watch your mouth, little girl,” he said.
I smiled against his finger.
“In seventh grade I went skating with a few friends. A whole group of you girls walked in. My buddies were as excited as a bunch of twelve and thirteen-year-old boys can get about girls, but I didn’t really care. Not that I wasn’t into girls, but I couldn’t stand all of the makeup and sparkly lip-gloss and hairspray and the choking scent of too much perfume, and I
hated
the way they huddled in packs. They even skated in packs. Leslie and the other girls skated onto the floor and my friends decided it was a good time to show off and they started skating fast and doing tricks and being loud to get their attention. I hung back, though, because I didn’t want to be bothered with all of that. I don’t know what took you so long, but you didn’t come out right away. Leslie shouted your name over her shoulder and waved you on. I followed her line of sight to see whom she was talking to and that’s when I saw you. You looked about as interested in joining the gaggle of girls as I was about joining my idiot buddies.”
Leo’s eyes glazed over as he saw the thirteen-year-old me at the skating rink. I watched him with an awed expression on my face.
“You had on a pair of ugly brown rental skates,” he said with a small chuckle. “You had on jeans and a Bon Jovi T-shirt. Your hair was pulled back in a simple ponytail, but the wind had caught it, because it was a little messy, but I liked it. I liked watching your fingers push it behind your ear, totally unconcerned with the fact that it wasn’t perfect. Your face was naked except for the slight gleam of a clear gloss on your lips, but I didn’t even see that until I was really close to you. You smelled like soap and shampoo and I really liked that. I had skated ahead of you and turned around right in front of you, and skated backward so I could look at you and talk to you. I asked you for your name.”
“No,” I objected. “You
demanded
my name. ‘What’s your name.’ It wasn’t a question.”
Leo laughed but lightly pinched my leg. “Hush now, this is my story.”
“But I remember,” I said softly, placing my hands on his cheeks.
“Then you remember scowling at me and telling me to move out of your way before you skate on my face?”
I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from laughing. “You were in my way, and that was so obnoxious!”
“I was trying to be smooth!”
I sputtered. “Yeah, you failed at that!”
“Are you going to let me finish the story, or not?” he asked, poking my side.
“Go on, smooth one,” I said, ruffling his hair. “Finish your tale of love.”
Leo took my hand and kissed the palm. I melted a little as I smiled down at him.
“So, I asked for your name,” he said eyeing me and silently daring me to object again. “And you told me to move out of your way before you skated on my face, and I was shocked, and amused. I was a good-looking kid. Girls liked me, and they especially liked when I talked to them, but not you. You wanted to skate on my face. Leslie called to you again. She said Tabby, but I thought I’d get you back for wanting to commit violence with a skate and called you Tacky. It was already too late for me,” Leo sighed happily. “You had my heart right then and neither of us knew it.”
Warmth spread through me, and I actually had to fight the urge to cry. Our story had begun sooner than I could have ever guessed.
“But…” I whispered.
“But what?” Leo asked, caressing my legs.
“But…I was…fat.” It wasn’t often in my adult life that I felt insecure about my weight, but as I said the word, I felt the word. I suddenly felt like a beached whale sitting on the bed. Sudden scary thoughts about Leo’s intentions flooded my mind. How could he love someone like me when he could have someone thin like Leslie? How did he feel out in public with me? I never missed the way some slim, beautiful women looked at us, wondering what the buff hottie was doing with the big girl, but I always secretly got a thrill from it, except I wasn’t feeling so thrilled as my hands fidgeted with the hem of my shirt.
Leo stood up straight and pulled me up with him. He cradled my face in his hands and looked at me with an intensity that burned.
“You were beautiful,” he said reverently. “You
are
beautiful. I love every inch of your body, Tabitha. Do you have any idea how hard it is not to touch you constantly? I want my hands and mouth on your body every second of every day. I can never get enough of you.”
His lips lightly touched mine.
“So gorgeous,” he whispered against my mouth as his hands moved lightly over my breasts. “So beautiful.” He caressed my belly before inching over to my hips. “So perfect.”
His tongue sought entrance into my mouth and I let him in. Sensually, his tongue stroked into my mouth. My toes curled into the carpet as he instantly took my breath away. I curled my fingers around his neck as I moaned softly into his mouth. Leo’s hands flattened against my backside and he pulled me to him.
His kisses always made me feel lost in him, but that kiss…I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be found again. I was drowning in him, soaking him into my lungs, and breathing him in.
Our clothes slipped off a piece at a time. His shirt, my pants. My shirt and then his pants. My panties and bra joined the pile of clothes on the floor, finally followed by Leo’s boxers. His kisses feathered down my neck, across my chest, and over each breast, pulling and laving at the nipples with his mouth. He kissed my belly as his fingers reached for my nipples, rolling them in his fingers.
He gently pushed me down to sit on the edge of the bed. He kneeled before me and guided my legs over his shoulders. I held my breath with anticipation, meeting his blazing eyes as his tongue met my sex. I didn’t look away from him as he loved me with his mouth, feasting on me like a starving man. I used one hand to hold myself up and the other threaded into his hair. Leo moaned, enjoying the experience just as much as I was. When he pushed two fingers inside of me, I cried out and grinded myself against his face and hand as my orgasm shook me.