Authors: Anya Monroe
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The clank of silverware scratching ceramic plates grates at my ears. The dull-faced Vessels and Humblemen surround the room, sitting on long carved benches, staring blankly at one another. Babies fuss and are quickly scolded with sharp "Shh's" and beady glares from over-worked women. This is not a joyous meal, as much as everyone forces it to be.
Perfection wears the only genuine smile in the room. And the only reason it's pasted on her porcelain face is because of the lies I've told her. “I chose you
.”
The Councilmen sit at a table nearby, talking in low voices, with laughter erupting every few minutes, jarring the room with the noise. I don't want to know what they discuss, I have a feeling it would make Integrity rethink whether or not there's hope for The Light to return to the holy and pure place it once was.
"Nobleman, do you know when we leave?" asks Perfection. "The girl helping me said only a few days. I want to stay longer though, this Refuge is so much bigger than Refuge Three. I haven't explored it yet." Her eyes twinkle with hope.
"No, we're leaving as soon as possible. I need ... I mean, I think everyone in the Light deserves to see us together, for morale. We should go to Refuge Two, it's our duty, Perfection." I hate how easily the lies slide out of my mouth.
"Of course. Morale. You are a good prophet, Nobleman, thinking of others over yourself." She picks at a dinner roll on her plate, as she looks around the room. "Nobleman, why do you think those Vessels hate me? Their stares are like daggers."
I look over to see what she means. Of course. She's looking over at the table where Flawless sits, other Vessels our age sit round her, pouting.
"That's Flawless. She was hoping she would ... you know ... be the Noblelady." My jaw tightens and I try to cover my mouth as I say this, not wanting Flawless to know we are talking about her.
"I figured as much." Perfection rolls her eyes, but then sits up straighter and begins to smirk, seductively, and reaches out for my hand. I pull back, but she holds on with a tight grip. "They can keep glaring."
Head Councilman Conviction walks up to our table. I can tell he's consumed several "holy beverages," which is his nice way of saying he's been dipping into the ceremonial jugs all night. I look at his table, with their laughing I'm sure they all have been.
"It looks like you two are ready for your processional. I will have everyone follow after you." He looks down at Perfections hand on mine, and then lets his eyes graze higher to her chest. He takes in her beauty, greedily, as though he wants to consume her right then and there.
I instinctively put my arm around her, tight. "Yes, now. We are ready now." I need to get her out of this banquet as fast as possible. I don't trust anyone here. I look around and hear the Councilmen's table laughing louder now, probably all drunk. The rest of the room is eerily quiet, dazed as they put food to their mouths, numb to life.
"Ohh, excited are we?" Conviction's eyebrows lift with a snarl. "After you then, Nobleman and Noblelady."
I stand, taking Perfection’s hand, and the room follows suit, as though these directives have been explained in advance. A row of Vessels begin singing and walk out of the room, their harmonies fill the vast, marble hallway. Perfection's hand in mine is indulgent, like she needs something from me. She laces my fingers with hers, the seductive girl from moments ago has stolen away, and has been replaced with a desperate girl. Desperate for me.
We walk down the hallway, with hundreds of people at our heels, as though they're forcing themselves around us. It's suffocating. The Councilmen are ready to sink their teeth into Perfection, and the rest of the fold is blindly following their lead.
We get to my door and I find it's been locked. Unusual, as I didn't realize anyone carried keys. Looking to Conviction for help, he answered my confusion, "I thought we could all use a show for the end of the night. Use your Light."
My blood has boiled for hours and this, this “use of me,” is too much. If a show is what he wants, a show is what he gets. I gently push Perfection out of the way and nod to Conviction, for reasons he doesn't understand.
Focusing all of the energy pulsing through my body, I heat up in a way it hasn't since I was a small boy. “Control, Lukas, show control. Never let yourself sit in anger, always focus on the good.” I hear my mother’s voice ringing though my ears, but this time I can't keep control any longer. I have spent sixteen years
under control.
I release the heat, the intensity that has been consuming me since Lucy left and feel the fire as it finds a way out through my fingertips. My whole hand goes from an illuminating light to a blazing inferno.
The gasps are heard around me, but I ignore them. I ignore everything. I only see the fire within me, the one that is always controlled, contained, as it turns from a powerful glow into something that looks less like the moon and more like the sun.
I press my hand again the door, and watch as it disintegrates before me.
Lucy
As I walk toward Charlie, I'm brought back to a different life. It wasn't very long ago, but so much has happened since watching him silently through the surveillance camera at the compound, standing next to Mom.
Now all the people from the compound are dead, Mom too. Only I remain. But I'm so different from the girl hidden from Charlie's sight. That girl didn't know what living was. Now I'm a girl who's beginning to discover what it means to be alive.
"You remember Lucky, right?" Charlie asks as I reach my hand out to pet the mare's chestnut mane.
"Of course I remember. He carried me through some really dark days." I want to say, “You did too, Charlie.” But I don't. I'm in love with someone else. Someone distinctly Charlie's brother.
"Climb up," he lends me his hand, and I take it easily.
I know nothing life changing will happen when I take his hand in mind. I've done it before. When sit on the saddle, my legs remember the straps where I put my feet.
"Where are we going?" I ask, curious.
"To catch the sun."
Then he surprises me by pulling himself up on the horse, sitting behind me. He grabs the reins from in front of me, and my body tenses. He's so close to my skin, my ears, my hands.
"Oh, sorry, Lucy. Did I scare you?" he asks this as though being up here together is an everyday thing. For a cowboy to put me on his horse, to be so close to another person, his breath on my neck, my skin prickling as he leans close enough for me to hear his beating heart.
"I didn't ... I mean last time you just walked beside me and Lucky...." I stumble. I don't know how to navigate this tight passage of emotions.
"Right, well that was a long trek. Lucky can handle us both for a little while, if you don't mind. But we gotta go fast if we want to see the sunset." He speaks easily, effortless. I wonder if the heart-beating-hard moment was more about what I felt and less of what he experienced. He told me plainly enough he was taking me tonight to be a good big brother to Lukas.
"Of course. I don't want to miss it." I brush aside any thoughts of lingering feelings he might have for me, or me for him. My mind must be going crazy for lack of sleep, or nutrition, or something.
He pulls on the reins and we trot down the long driveway I walked when I arrived today. People sit around fires again, eating dinner as the sky begins to dim, signaling the end of a day. We pass other people who seem to be coming back from somewhere. There are other riders on horses, and everyone waves kindly to us. I smile, feeling like this is a storybook scene. It's been a long time since I didn't feel frightened, as though right around the corner someone, or something, was out to get me. It's nice to be able to just breathe. In and out, and out again.
We leave the property and cross the line of armed patrolmen I crossed earlier on my way in. Charlie is quiet, and I am too. My mind is free to rest, and I'm going to take this opportunity while I have it. Lucky begins to move faster and I feel Charlie's grip around me tighten. It feels safe, I don't mind.
We pass a few dilapidated homes, but only a few, because before I know it, we stop.
Stop moving and stop breathing because this is the moment I've been waiting for. The moment where I reach the edge of the world and am set free.
The salt air of the sound greets us as Lucky trots to the shore. I breathlessly take in the colors of the sky, they are the same colors pulsing through my veins. The colors that tell the untold story of my life.
All I want is a way to tell my story, to reach the sky and let go of all the things holding me back. Like the light inside of me that I don't understand, and the people I love that are so far away, and the people I've lost that are held captive under the apple tree in my dreams.
I want to be free of it all.
Being this close to the edge makes me feel like someday I might be.
Charlie helps me down from Lucky and I wordlessly sit on a large piece of driftwood resting on the rocky beach. Charlie comes beside me and sits down, too. I tilt my head toward him, and he tilts his head toward me, and we see each other. The same way we did the night I held his hand, watching the still same sun, set in a different sky.
He took my breath away that night, too.
I turn away, not wanting to let this moment be stolen by intricate workings of the heart. Instead, I look into the setting sun, as enchanting as ever.
I'm jealous of the sun, how easily it leaves for another world at the end of each day, to start over in a different place, a new beginning.
I wish I could have two girls exist inside of me, too. I could spend the nights as the girl who fights for The Light, crusading against evil and darkness with Lukas.
And then when I woke, I could be the girl rising with the sun on an empty horizon, waiting to make her life her own.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The door is no longer there.
Perfection stares incredulously at the decimated entryway, and screams out around me as Vessels react to what I've done. Clenching my fists, I bring them to my face, stretching them out in front of me, wondering what else surges through my blood. Because even though I've imagined the fire within me pulsing outward, I never imagined it would combust so veraciously.
"Nobleman what is the meaning of this? I asked you to open the lock!" Head Councilman Conviction yells as veins pop from his neck, his red face overwhelming me.
There is only one thing to do, now.
Lie.
Fabrication is a skill I've begun to master over the past few days. I can't say that I'm proud, but it is useful.
"Head Councilman, there are times not even I can understand the power within me," I speak loudly, so the full hallway can hear me. "The Creator of the Universe is the only one who can truly understand the power ordained by him and given to me. It's not I who wanted to burn this door down, rather, it was the will of the one who made us all."
It may be wrong to pin my anger on a creator, but I'm not in a place to take the fall myself. I have work to do, yet.
"Nobleman--" Conviction stops. Because I have put him in a tight corner. Punish me for what he knows I did by choice and the entire Refuge will revolt, or he can gracefully accept my words as truth and the Vessels and Humbleman around us will continue to work for him in my name.
He swallows his pride, as though a thick drink slinking down his throat.
"As you say, Nobleman. I need a wood working Humbleman to bring a new door, post-haste. The Nobleman and his Lady need to retire for their Binding Night. Everyone else, retreat to your quarters."
The hallway empties quickly as everyone begins making their way to their rooms. The Councilmen, Perfection, and I remain in the now quiet hallway. I don't dare speak. My anger has dissipated with my indulgent outburst, but it is not completely quenched. I don't think it ever will be until I am free. Free of the shackles the Councilmen bring me to.
We stand awkwardly the seconds dragging on and I just want this night to be over. Perfection locks eyes with me and I can tell she's mortified because her usually cool demeanor is flecked with rising red color on her cheeks. Everyone's thinking way too much about our impending night together as we stare at my bedchamber.
A few minutes pass and two Humbleman arrive and begin putting on a new door to the still-standing frame. A Vessel is here, too, cleaning the debris with a broom. We stand watching them silently and after they leave us with a new door in place, Conviction turns to me.
"You will not be needed in the Energy Room tonight. It's our Binding gift to you. Besides, we wouldn't want to tempt the ‘hand of God’ another time this evening would we, Lukas?" He smirks, and then raises his eyebrows to Perfection. "Enjoy your evening."
I feel sick all over again, but instead of responding like I want to, “
like I just did
,” I open the newly-minted door for Perfection, closing it behind us.
I tone down the Light in the room because my head hurts, my body is weary. My world is spinning out of control and I'm losing sight of everything.
The one thing.
Lucy.
"What happened out there, Nobleman?" Perfection stands in the middle of the room, her gauzy white gown translucent in this new light. She looks like an angel, and as much as I wish she were a ghost, she isn't.
She is here.
In my room.
My mate.
"It happens sometimes. I think it was all the emotions of the day, overwhelming me. I'm not like you."
"I know you aren't like me." Her voice falters slightly, as though tears are near the crest of her chest, not shedding them is her shield.
"Does that scare you?" I ask, knowing how very much it scares me.
"No. I'm not scared of anything." She's steadier somehow, walking closer to me.
"Then I'm really not like you, Perfection." The truth embarrasses me, but I don't hold the words back. "I'm scared of so much."
"It's a good thing I am fearless, then, isn't it?" She takes the sash around her waist and pulls it off. She stands before me, nearly exposed. Her flimsy gown, thankfully, covers the parts of her I don't want to see.
"Don't, Perfection." I struggle to say the words as forcefully as I mean them. I'm tired. I'm weak.
"Don't be scared of me." She pulls her dress back slightly, exposing her milky white shoulders.
"I mean it. Don't." I put my hands up in front of me, pushing out bright light.
She steps back, lifting her arms to block the rays.
"Nobleman, stop. That hurts." She screams, and I drop my hands instantly, not intending to hurt her, just stop her.
"Sorry, I just ... I can't do this." I sit on the bed, defeated.
"Like, you literally can't, or you don't want to?" She pulls her gown back on, trying to understand why the mood has shifted so quickly.
"I don't...."
Want to hurt you, or betray Lucy, or betray myself. I don't want to lose myself, or forget myself, or take advantage of you.
But I don't say any of that. "I'm just tired, Perfection. Sorry if I'm letting you down."
"No, I understand, as you wish, Nobleman." Her demeanor changes with my words. She becomes harder and her jaded eyes reveal disappointment. "Would you like me to go to my own chamber, then?"
I shake my head. She can't leave; it would make the Councilmen suspicious. I'm on icy ground with them as it is.
So I lie once more.
"No, stay. I want you to stay."
She lies down on my bed with hesitation. I nod my head, letting her know that it's okay; she can sleep here next to me.
I turn down my light, sleeping in my bed at night for the second time in my life. The first time was with Lucy, when I lost my light and she helped me find it.
"Goodnight, Nobleman." In the darkness she adds, "I'll honor you as my mate all the days of my life."
I don't answer because there are no words for taking someone's heart that you don't want. There are no words when I'm holding in my hands the most fragile pieces of Perfection, but wishing they weren't mine to hold.
Lucy
We ride back to Headquarters in silence. My mind swirls, just like my heart. Charlie must sense that because he remains quiet, too. When we get back to the property, Charlie helps me off of Lucky and then he ties the horse to a post. He tosses Lucky an apple. "Be good okay, boy? We're gonna be back in a few hours."
Turning to me he says, "You ready to go to your first party?"
I smile, letting go of my heavy thoughts and restless mind. Nothing can be done tonight to save The Light, but I can attempt to save myself from falling apart. A party seems like a good way to do that.
Following Charlie's lead, I cut through a cluster of trailers and enter a wooded area. I hear the party before I see it, laughter echoes around us, and music is playing. It sounds real and alive. The air is electric, a buzz of happiness I feel before I see. We walk into a large clearing where a bonfire burns bright.
"Lucy!" Junie calls out to me, waving us over. She's sitting on a log next to Duke, the guy she was talking to earlier. He has his arm around her waist and she's beaming.
Charlie and I walk over, and I'm relieved to see the party isn't too large. There's just a dozen or so people about my age. Not as intimidating as I imagined.
"You hungry?" Junie asks. "There's a bunch of roasted chicken, veggies, and some hard cider." She lifts her eyebrows when she says the last part.
"Sweet, I'm starving," Charlie says, and I nod in agreement. It's after seven o'clock and I haven't had enough to eat the past few days.
We walk to the make-shift table where the food is set out. Charlie and I both take some food and eat while standing to the side of the fire, listening to the guitar player. Some people start singing along to a song I've never heard. The tune is fast and catchy and people erupt in laughter when someone shouts a line loudly. A smile stretches across my face and I can't help but laugh at jokes I don't know anything about.
"You like the guitar music?" Charlie asks.
"I've never heard one before. A guitar. It sounds better than I imagined. I mean, I'd read about them, of course, but it's just like the ocean. It's nothing like seeing, hearing, smelling it, you know?"
"I know. I spent so many years like you, Lucy. Away from the real world. When I finally arrived, it was a shock."
"You've adjusted petty well, don't you think?"
Charlie holds himself confidently; I can't imagine him being any different.
"It's been awhile." He has a faraway look in his eyes, as though he remembers. Remembers The Light, remembers his brother.
"I know. Lukas ... he told me about you. It's how I realized who you were. It's why I came."
The moment is still, and I realize Charlie brings out the quiet, reflective girl inside of me, Lukas brings out the loud one, the one looking for a rebellion, searching for a fight.
"I'm glad you did."
I smile, looking at my hand, knowing there is still so much unsaid.
"Want a cider?" he asks.
"I've never had it. Is it good?"
"Yes. Very. And it's brewed right here, a few of the older guys have been making it for years." He walks to a table and brings two bottles over. "Cheers, Lucy."
"Cheers."
We drink our cider and then sit on the logs, next to Junie and Duke. Colton starts dancing and soon there's this thing called a dance-off going on, where the guys and girls try to out dance the one before them. We all cheer as they foolishly shake and move. Colton wins, the cheers for him are the loudest by far.
He takes a bow, and then says, "Who else has a party trick?" No one answers, and he takes another swig of his beer before his eyes land on Charlie. "Alright. Charlie, what do you got for us? Can you play us a song, too?"
He shakes his head bashfully, "No way. I'm not your guy." Everyone laughs. He doesn't seem the type of person who puts himself out there, but Colton isn't giving up that easy.
"Alright. Fine. Let's see who else can entertain us ... Lucy!" He claps his hand like he's won a jackpot. "My main girl Lucy. The girl who can escape danger and lives recklessly, fighting for love and honor. You have a talent everyone will want to see. Way better than Charlie's harmonica."
All eyes turn to me, and I feel my face burn as bright as the fire around us. Wide-eyed, I look at Colton and stammer, "Ummm, not tonight. Maybe another song on the guitar? They were really good...."
"Come on, Lucy, you are amazing! Show everyone what you showed me." Colton presses. I can tell he may have had a few ciders too many. He isn't being mean, just uninhibited.
I shake my head, not wanting to go here. Not like this. I should have told him how it was a top-secret-under-cover-never-mention ability. I haven't even told Lukas's parents about my light yet.
"Colton, I don't think Lucy's up for it tonight, ‘kay?" Junie steps in where I can't. I silently thank her, wanting everyone's eyes to turn off of me.
"Seriously? Come on, girl. This stage was made for you," Colton refuses to drop it.
I take a deep breath, full of fear.
"I'll play a song, Colton, okay. Let Lucy be." Charlie pulls a harmonica out of his pocket and begins playing a low, soulful song.
I stand up, moving away from him, and the group. Hot tears press against my face, not because of the song, and not because Charlie came to my rescue, but because there is such a heavy burden on my chest. Being here, laughing, having fun around a campfire is a betrayal to Basil and Hana.
But mostly a betrayal to Lukas.
I stand alone, listening to the sounds of this small instrument matching the rhythm of my heart. I close my eyes, letting the song wash over me, letting my eyes fill themselves with the twinkling light under my eyes, the light that dances though my veins.
Tomorrow I must move forward. I can't let myself waste any more hours messing around, indulging in my fantasies for freedom. Not while Lukas is alone, waking and sleeping with no one by his side supporting him.
I will wait for him and we can make plans for our future together.