God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible (14 page)

 

If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, ‘Let’s go out and worship other gods’, do not yield to him or listen to him. Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him. You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death and then the hands of the people. Stone him to death because he tried to turn you away from the Lord your God…..Then all Israel will hear and be afraid, and no-one among you will do such an evil thing again.” (Deuteronomy 13:6-11 NIV)
 

Usually when Christian or Jewish friends comment, “People should be free to believe what they want,’ I often cite the above passage with the words, “Yes, you are free to believe what you want as long as it doesn’t entail killing me.”

 

What I find particularly noteworthy in this text is the suggestion that the founding fathers of Judaism were not monotheistic because they are acknowledging the existence of other gods. The biblical authors don’t write, “Kill all the crazies that are wearing a hammer around their necks in honor of a make believe god called Thor.” Rather it says worshipping other gods, and we can trace this belief back to the Ten Commandments, whereby God says to Moses, ”Worship no other gods before me”. God first, other gods second, rather than, “There are no other gods”.

 

And if you are looking for some further inspiration for performing acts of genocide and ethnic cleansing against your neighbors for worshipping Payton Manning instead of God Almighty look no further than this:

 

If you hear it said about one of the towns the Lord your God is giving you to live in that wicked men have arisen among you and have led the people astray, saying, ‘Let us go and worship other gods’, then you must enquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly. And if it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done among you, you must certainly put the sword to all who live in that town. Destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock. Gather all the plunder of the town into the middle of the town square and completely burn the town and all its plunder as a whole burnt offering to the Lord your God.” (Deuteronomy 13:12-16 NIV)
 

This passage paints the picture of a salivating sociopath watching from above, rubbing his hands together gleefully as those that express their freedom to follow other religious doctrine are mutilated in the streets with all their belongings torched as a token of worship to him.

 

It would be a harrowing exercise to calculate exactly how many villainous tyrants have interpreted the preceding passage as justification for murderous rampage?

 

I believe by now we have dismissed any misguided hope that the three Abrahamic religions are built on principles of racial and ethnic equality, human solidarity and peaceful coexistence. By shining the spotlight of truth on these dangerous biblical assertions, the bible, once again, becomes an indictment against itself. We must not delude ourselves any longer that these are religions of good, as the evidence presented thus far is proof to the contrary.

 

Violence is not only reserved for those that ignore God’s commands or take his name in vain, but also those that disrespect his earthly representatives:

 

Anyone arrogant enough to reject the verdict of the judge or of the priest who represents the LORD your God must be put to death. Such evil must be purged from Israel.” (Deuteronomy 17:12 NIV)
 
Strange Laws of Marriage and Parenthood
 

It seems odd to me that God goes to some length to describe some fairly whacky and obscure laws in this chapter. One being in relation to marrying a captive woman:

 

If you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home and make her shave her head, trim her nails and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured.” (Deuteronomy 21:11-13 NIV)
 

So much for romance, huh? Arguably this could have been decreed by God with a little more romance with the inclusion of the words, “Subject to her being mutually attracted to you too”. Just a little more thought here by God, such as the inclusion of the word ‘consent’, could have helped mitigate the justification that so many invading armies in later days used in systematically raping the conquered.

 

In the very next passage, God stipulates the ownership of first born children of a husband who is married with two women. I think I just heard a distant shout of ‘woohoo’ from Utah, just now. Seemingly, God doesn’t have a problem with polygamy anymore, which contradicts his earlier commands:

 

If a man has two wives and he loves one but not the other and both bear him sons but the firstborn is the son of the wife he does not love, when he wills his property to his sons, he must not give the rights of the firstborn to the son of the wife he loves in preference to his actual firstborn, the son of the wife he does not love.” (Deuteronomy 21: 15-16 NIV)
 

This seems highly problematic and complex. Why not just say, “You can’t have two wives”? Problem solved. Who’d want two wives, anyway? I wouldn’t. I don’t need to increase my failure in the bedroom by 200%.

 

Moving onto parenthood, the Bible proves once more that it should never, ever be used as a reference guide for model child raising, as God dictates his disciplinary methodology for handling a rebellious son. Warning: Do not try this at home with your teenager, no matter how tempted you might be.

 

If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. Then all the men of the town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you.” (Deuteronomy 21:18-21 NIV)
 

What? Purge the evil from among you? How about not savagely killing your own son by throwing rocks at his head until his brains explode all over the dirt, because he was suffering a little teenage angst? For mine, the only way to purge evil is to purge this kind of religious thought from our consciousness.

 

The following law of marriage I do not want to include as merely a bullet point as it is exhibit #425 that religion is male gender constructed:

 

If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, ‘I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,’ then the girl’s father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate.” (Deuteronomy 22:13-15 NIV)
 

To make sure we are all on the same page here, the law is this: If you marry a woman and she turns out to be an absolute dud in the rack, then you can accuse her of being a ‘slut’ and humiliate her in front of her parents and the citizens of your town. A strange ‘get out of jail card’ for a man, as this follows the logic that a woman be a better performer in the bedroom if she were a virgin, as opposed to a woman who pole-danced at a Gentleman’s club for a living. Hey God, as a matter of personal preference, please give me just twelve porn-starlets in heaven rather than seventy-two virgins. Amen. P.S: I hate you.

 

Further, according to this law, if the bride’s parents can produce evidence that their daughter was truly a virgin at time of wedding (how one does this I will never know!), then the husband is forced to pay a fine of five shekels of silver to his father-in-law and she must continue to be his wife and he is not permitted to divorce her. However, if her parents cannot prove her pre-marital purity:

 

She shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of the town shall stone her to death.” (Deuteronomy 22:21 NIV)
 

I am at a loss to describe the indefensible vulgarity of this male dominated law. Not only a despicable process for eradicating so-called evil, is it not enough to kill this hapless already traumatized woman, but to butcher her at her parent’s doorstep.

 

The fingerprints of man (gender) are on this law too:

 

If two men are fighting and the wife of one then comes to the rescue of her husband from his assailant and she reaches out and seizes the private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.” (Deuteronomy: 25:11-12 NIV)
 

Isn’t it ironic that religious apologists talk about their religion being one of forgiveness, redemption and love? From Genesis to Deuteronomy we have seen absolutely no evidence of this, only evidence that if God were true, then he indeed hates us all.

 
God’s Position on Raping a Woman
 

If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.” (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NIV)
 

There’s the slam dunk! How fortunate for the poor young lass that is brutally raped by a male attacker that she gains a husband out of it – the guy who raped her. Furthermore, what of the penalty for the rapist? Fifty shekels, that’s all? God commands in Leviticus that a man must be put to death for fucking a goat, but a payment of only a few dollars for raping a young girl? A woman’s value is less than livestock in God’s eyes. I could really swap my wife for two camels and a goat!

 
Other Laws
 

This truly wicked book of thuggish laws sets forth a number of equally ghoulish and absurd doctrines, with a majority of laws governing agriculture, including:

 

Do not leave the of someone you killed as an act of capital punishment on a tree overnight.” (Deuteronomy 21:22 NIV)
 

If you see your brother’s donkey fall over on the side of road, give him a hand.” (Deuteronomy 22:4 NIV)
 

A man must not wear a woman’s clothing, nor vice versa.” (Deuteronomy 22:5 NIV)
 

If you come across a bird’s nest on the side of the road and the mother is still with its young, you are not to take it.” (Deuteronomy 22:6 NIV)
 

Do not plant two kinds of seeds in your vineyard.” (Deuteronomy 22:9 NIV)
 

Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.” (Deuteronomy 22:11 NIV)
 

I particularly like God’s CSI methodology for solving a murder case, in which the Lord tells Moses that if a is found slain, the suspect unknown and the jurisdiction unclear then the city elders are to measure the distance between the city gate and the , the nearest city is to then bring a cow that has never been worked prior. The cow’s neck is to be broken and its blood poured onto the murder site as atonement for the crime. God then commands the elders to recite the following at the scene:

 

Accept this atonement for your people Israel, whom you have redeemed, O Lord, do not hold your people guilty of the blood of an innocent man.” (Deuteronomy 21:8 NIV)
 
Blessings and Cursings
 

The final and third sermon of Moses, in Deuteronomy, goes on to specify the blessings for the obedient and the curses for the disobedient. I am sure having come this far, you are rightfully anticipating a little lopsidedness on the gain versus loss scale.

 

Moses tells the Israelites that the following blessings will come upon you if you obey your Lord your God:

 

You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country. The fruit of your womb will be blessed and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock... You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.” (Deuteronomy 28:3-6 NIV)
 

That’s it, really. That’s what you get for a life of complete serfdom to a malevolent, capricious, celestial dictator. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d be wanting a little more details as to ‘what’s in it for me’ before I grovelled on my knees for eternity to this guy.

 

Compare the blessing against the list of curses for the disobedient and it becomes obvious that God prefers motivating with the stick, rather than with the carrot, as pages of maniacal tirades are forthcoming that spell doom for the wicked, as stated in Deuteronomy 28:15-68:

 

You will be cursed in the city and cursed in the country.”
 

The Lord will plague you with diseases.”
 

The Lord will strike you with fever, inflammation, scorching heat and drought, with blight and mildew.”
 

The Lord will turn rain of your country into dust.”

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