I
t was an indication of how badly Rae was hurt that there were two surgeons who joined them in the waiting room, both men still in surgical greens.
James watched them from his seat, his hands tightly held together, his elbows braced on his knees. He leaned forward, searching their faces for the truth. He looked at them and knew it was going to be bad.
Fear gripped his body as he read the news in the men’s faces.
Dave wrapped his arm around Lace’s shoulders.
“The worst injury is a fracture in the back of her neck, just above the fourth vertebra. She’s in very critical condition. We’ve got her stabilized, but it’s going to be a long night. As the swelling around her spine goes down, we’ll know how much movement and sensation she’ll get back. When she was brought into the emergency room, she had no sensation or movement of any kind below her neck and she was having severe trouble breathing.”
“She’s going to live?” Dave demanded.
The doctor hesitated.
“She’s also got broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a dislocated shoulder. She’s started to run a temperature. None of those injuries is life threatening, but the shock is a problem. We will know a lot more in twenty-four hours.”
“She’ll be out of recovery and moved to ICU in another hour,” the other surgeon said. “We’ll take it day by day. Don’t assume the worst or the best. Reality is likely going to lie somewhere between the two.”
The intensive care unit had a waiting room with couches as well as chairs, a coffee stand in the corner of the room. Dave paced, and Lace used the phone, calling friends to let them know what had happened. James sat on the couch fighting the pain and fighting the panic.
She had to be okay. She just had to be.
Rae had worked herself to the point of exhaustion, having been at the office by 5:00 a.m., not leaving until 9:00 p.m. She had stopped to buy a gallon of milk at the store on the way home. The accident had happened at a busy intersection less than four blocks from her house, her car hit on the driver’s side by another vehicle. No one was quite sure what had caused the accident.
James felt like it was his fault.
She was paralyzed, she had broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a dislocated shoulder. It should have been him, not her.
His mom, Patricia, Kevin, all came to join the silent vigil. Patricia came over and hugged him. It hurt his ribs and helped his heart.
“She’ll be okay, James.”
James nodded, wishing he could share his sister’s optimism.
It was almost two hours before Rae was moved to the ICU and they had the first chance to see her, only five minutes each hour, only one of them at a time. James didn’t ask to be the first. He wanted to, but the situation was complex at best, for he carried the guilt of knowing his actions had contributed to her fatigue. Lace and Dave looked at each other and took pity on him, sending him with the nurse.
James stepped into the quiet room, afraid of the worst. Rae was in a steel brace to keep her neck still, a respirator breathing for her. They hadn’t mentioned how badly her face had been bruised.
“Hey, lady,” he whispered softly, fighting the tears.
He eased her lax hand into his, very gently stroked her hair. “I hear you’re having a rough night, so I came to keep you company,” he said softly. “Lace and Dave are here to see you, too.”
He kept stroking her hair, talking softly, fighting the tears that wanted to fall. She was a mess.
He didn’t care.
He didn’t care if she could walk or move. He loved her. He didn’t care what stuff she could no longer do.
He realized in that instant what she had meant when she said she didn’t care how much energy he had. Love really did make the limitations irrelevant.
A few of the tears slipped across his smile. “Rae, I love you. Everything is going to be all right. Just keep fighting, okay?”
He tenderly brushed back the hair from her forehead, uncovering yet another ugly bruise. He tried to stop the smile that refused to be contained; it was smile or cry. “Honey, you really did do a good job this time. I don’t think black and
blue are your best colors,” he quipped gently. “Can you open your eyes for me?”
It took her a few moments, but her eyelashes fluttered open.
He tightened his hold on her hand but realized with a sinking tightness in his chest that she could not feel it.
He touched her cheek. She could not speak with the respirator, but he could see the emotion in her eyes; the fear, the pain, the confusion. “You’re going to be all right, honey. I love you and everything is going to be okay,” he said softly.
Her face stiffened at the respirator and he carefully soothed out the tension. “Don’t fight it, honey, your body just needs time to heal. Let it.”
Slowly he saw her relax.
“That’s better. Lace and Dave are here, too. We’re going to keep you company tonight.”
Her eyes blinked. They suddenly welled with tears and he shifted, ignoring the burning pain in his back, reaching forward with both hands to gently touch her bruised cheeks, wipe away the tears, careful to avoid the bandage on her neck. “You’re going to be okay, Rae. Please, don’t cry. I know it’s scary, but we’re here, we’re not going to leave you.”
The panic in her eyes…It scared him, because she was so desperately frightened. She had realized she couldn’t move. “Rae, you’ve got a small fracture just above the fourth vertebra in your neck. It’s the swelling that is causing the paralysis.”
Her eyes went dark.
“It’s temporary, Rae. The swelling will go down. All your injuries will heal.”
He held her face, held her eyes with his, until she accepted the hope he offered, until she finally released the
panic and trusted him. She blinked and he very gently wiped away the tears.
“Try to sleep, Rae. I promise, we’ll be here through the night. I love you.”
Her eyes drifted closed, the tears still slowly trickling down her face.
Dawn came slowly, tingeing the sky with a brush of pink. James eased the coffeepot back onto the warmer plate. One of the hospital volunteers had brought in muffins and bagels. James looked at the platter. He should eat, but there was no way he could.
He carried the coffee cup with him back to the couch.
Lace was asleep.
It had been a difficult night, the waiting, the lack of news. Rae was getting worse, that was apparent. Each visit saw the temperature higher, her eyes more clouded, the distress more apparent.
He was afraid. Afraid like he had never been before in his life.
The doctors were coming in more often—a bad sign.
“Did you reach Jack?” James asked as Dave came back into the waiting room.
“Yes. The business is taken care of, at least for the next few days.”
Dave looked as burned out as James felt. A night without sleep was taking its toll. He had sent his mom and sister home shortly after 1:00 a.m., asked Kevin to drive them. Patricia especially needed to sleep.
James looked at the clock. Another ten minutes before they could see Rae again.
Dave went in to see her first, they had been rotating each hour. James could see the distress on his face when he returned. He was obviously shaken.
“James, she’s not doing well. I’m going to wake up Lace.”
James’s hand involuntarily clenched around the cane his weight rested on. Waking up Lace…He moved through the doorway to the ICU, needing desperately to see Rae.
He knew. As soon as he saw her, he knew.
The nurse with her finished her task, touched his arm. “Talk to her. It will help,” she said softly.
Her temperature had shot up.
She no longer opened her eyes. It wasn’t because she was sleeping.
He stroked her cheek, feeling the heat radiating off her body. They were using ice to try to give her some relief.
“Rae, I know it has got to be so hard right now, to breathe, to want to fight. Rae, you need to fight. Don’t let this injury win.”
What did she have to fight for? A job that wore her out? A man who had walked away from her, not understanding the truth?
“Rae, I love you. Please, fight off this shock. I know you can do it.”
She looked so fragile, so broken.
He was afraid that it was not only her body that was broken, but also her spirit.
James napped awkwardly in a chair throughout the morning, catching ten minutes here, twenty minutes there, enough to keep him going.
He had aged ten years in one night.
There was no improvement in her condition.
The hardest thing to accept was the fact that Rae was holding on only by a thread.
There was a flutter developing in her heart rate, a wandering missing beat. James had seen it occur, watching the monitors, and the sight of that momentary flat line had been horrifying.
Her temperature was holding at 103 degrees.
God, I’ve been trying to pray for the last several hours and I simply don’t have the words. My heart is breaking. She’s so badly hurt. Don’t take her away God. Give me another chance. Please.
He came awake with a start, someone lightly shaking his shoulder.
It was Lace.
“Sorry, James, but I thought you would want to see her.”
Through the exhaustion, James saw the smile. “She’s awake.”
The smile widened as Lace nodded. “She’s awake. The fever is down to a hundred and one.”
James struggled to get up. His body rebelled at the movement, threatening to send him crashing to floor. Lace steadied him.
“Thanks,” he said, grateful for the help.
“Go see her. She’s still got that look of panic in her eyes. I don’t think she remembers much of what’s been going on around her.”
He entered her room and walked to the side of her bed. “Hey, lady. How are you doing?”
He moved into her line of sight and saw the tension in her face start to relax.
“I’m glad to see you awake,” he whispered, gently strok
ing her cheek. She was still flushed, her body hot, but not as dangerous as it had been an hour ago.
With the paralysis and the brace holding her head, she had no movement of any kind. The respirator breathed for her, steady, constant, no variation. He could see the fear in her eyes, and the pain.
“Do you remember me saying I love you?”
Her eyes looked troubled. She had not remembered.
He smiled softly. “I love you, Rae.” He brushed the hair back from her forehead, leaned forward to gently kiss her. “Keep fighting to heal. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know what you meant about pain being a malicious enemy.” Her lips were white with the agony of having the dressing of the burn on her neck changed.
They had removed the respirator that morning.
James tightened his hold on her hand, wishing she could feel it. He carefully wiped away the tears on her face. “Hang in there, the pain will ease off.”
She couldn’t feel ninety percent of her body and where did she get burned? Someplace she
could
feel. He hated the maliciousness of this accident.
She had slept most of the day.
He had tried to rest, trading places with Lace and Dave regularly, but it had not happened. His own body ached. He didn’t care. He wasn’t leaving.
“They said seventy-two hours?”
“Rae, you’ve got a long way to go before the swelling comes down and you know something definite. Don’t borrow trouble.”
“It’s been almost three days, James.”
“And the scans this morning showed little reduction in the swelling. Wait it out.”
She tried to laugh. “I wasn’t praying for patience.”
He gently wiped the tears away from her eyes. She had cried more in the last three days than he had seen her do in their entire relationship. She had cause. He eased forward to kiss her forehead, wishing so hard for God to answer his prayer. “I know it’s hard,” he whispered. “You can make it.”
“Tell me again.”
“I love you. I’m always going to love you.”
She was biting her bottom lip. He gently stopped her. “What do you need to ask?” He hated the pain he saw in her eyes, the uncertainty.
“Even if there is no change?” she whispered.
She had risked her heart to ask that question. James felt a tear slide down his own cheek. His finger rubbed her chin. “Even if there is no change.”
T
hey put the Christmas tree on the table where she could see it. It had been the nurse’s suggestion—something for Rae to look at as she fought to keep her spirits up. It was porcelain, the lights blinking different colors.
Four days, and no change.
Rae was desperately afraid. They all were.
Christmas Eve last night had been a time to pray for her and hope for the best.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything,” Rae said, breaking the tension and making the group of them laugh.
“You always were a Christmas Eve shopper,” Lace replied. “Would you like me to be your hands?” she offered softly. They had brought in Rae’s stocking. It was filled with little gifts. Most of them made her laugh, for they had been bought with that in mind.
The little white dog like Justin with a red heart for a tag made her cry.
“We couldn’t smuggle in the puppy, so we had to improvise,” James told her, brushing away the tears.
“It’s very nice. Thank you,” she whispered, choking on the words. “How is he?”
“Staying with Emily and Tom. Missing you.”
“She moved her toes!”
James felt his heart lurch as Lace stopped in front of him. He was sitting in the ICU waiting room, weary beyond belief, fighting the grief, trying to pray. He looked at Lace and it took a moment for her words and grin to sink in. “She moved.”
“She moved. Both feet. You should have seen her smile. Come on, you need to see her.” Lace offered a hand and James took it, his wrist flaring in pain, his joints fighting the movement.
His smile began slowly, cautiously. He had been at the hospital for six days, had left only to change, take a shower, catch a few moments of sleep. He had never felt such a deep loss of hope. The obstacles they faced were so deep; if she didn’t improve, she would need so much help that would be beyond him to provide.
She had moved.
The nurses let them enter the ICU together.
James stopped by the door, for Rae had two doctors with her. He stayed and listened as the doctors reviewed how much improvement had occurred. It was slight; she could move her toes and she had feeling in her hands. The paralysis had a long way to go before it faded, but both doctors were smiling.
James crossed over to the bedside when the doctors finished, moving into Rae’s line of sight. “I hear you’ve got news.” He slipped her hand carefully into his and squeezed it.
Her smile was wide, and there were tears in her eyes—
finally tears of joy. “I can feel your hand, I can move, just a little. I was so afraid none of it would come back.”
James pulled a chair over, sitting down to take the strain off his ankles.
“I was so scared.”
“I know you were, Rae.” He gently brushed her hair back from her face.
“You look awfully tired, James.”
He smiled. “I’ve got a lifetime to sleep. I love you, Rae.”
“I love you, too,” she whispered back.
“What else do you think she will want?” It felt uncomfortable walking through Rae’s home, packing for her.
“I’ll get her book. See if you can find her Bible. It’s normally on her bedside table,” Dave replied.
James nodded and walked upstairs, keeping a firm grip on the staircase railing. The house was exactly how Rae had left it the morning she left for work and didn’t return. Dishes from dinner the night before had been left in the sink, the bathroom counter was still cluttered, and bills she had planned to mail were sitting on her desk. He had a disquieting thought; it would be like this if she had died; walking into her life as she had left it.
She had made her bed. Clothes she had considered and chosen not to wear still lay across the chair arm.
James found her Bible and her diary resting on the pillow of her bed. She must have had devotions that morning and dropped the books there. He picked up the Bible, its leather cover cool and worn. He had seen her with this Bible in her hand on so many occasions. He could see the shadow of her handprint worn into the leather from the oil of her skin. Her grip was smaller than his.
The Bible fell open to Psalm 37 showing how frequently she smoothed this spot in the spine. Rae was one to highlight and underline and make notes.
It was comforting to get a glimpse into her real life. She could never have known someone would see her home as she left it that morning. She had devotions because she had chosen to; in the normal course of events, no one would have ever seen the evidence.
He picked up her diary, figuring she would appreciate having it as well.
The picture of Leo was gone.
James felt his hand tighten around the books he held.
The picture of Leo and the engagement ring were gone. She had done it sometime in the past, before this accident and his words “I love you.”
When had she done it? When they’d started to date? In the weeks that followed?
It had to have been before he broke up the relationship—before he announced they could just be friends.
He looked at the empty spot on the bedside table and finally felt hope.
He knew how badly he had damaged their relationship. He had backed away because his health was not improving. He could feel the sinking fear in his gut that Rae might decide to do the same thing. Even though she said “I love you,” it was far different from saying she would accept a relationship again, consider marrying him. She could move her toes slightly, could feel someone holding her hand. It was still a formidably long way from being totally recovered.
The doctors were being cautiously optimistic. The swelling was still there, lessening a little more each day. What they didn’t know was how far the recovery would go.
He was afraid of what Rae might decide to do.
What if the accident left her in a wheelchair? What if she got mobility back in her right hand but not her left? Her spine had taken a severe blow—the fracture had cut into the nerves. What they didn’t know was what would heal and what was permanently damaged. It was an ugly circumstance to consider.
He was ready to deal with it; he knew he could adapt to whatever the final outcome was. The question was, could Rae? If she remained partially paralyzed, would it be her choice this time to leave the relationship just friends?
It was difficult, watching physical therapy. She was out of intensive care, in a private room in the rehabilitation wing of the hospital. The paralysis persisted. The swelling still lingered. There was no determining which muscles in her back, arms and legs obeyed her wishes and which ones still did not get the message to move.
The broken ribs hurt. She was constantly fighting a headache. Because she wasn’t able to move easily, her body throbbed with pain from lying in one position for too long.
James felt for her and wished there was something he could do.
He sat on the far side of the room and watched as the physical therapist worked on helping her get motion in her arms. He could see the strain on Rae’s face as she tried to coordinate the muscles in her shoulders and upper arms to get the movement she wanted. It was difficult—lying flat on your back, head in a brace to prevent your neck moving, knowing you had to battle to raise your arms.
After fifteen minutes the therapist declared the day a
success and spent several minutes talking with a discouraged Rae to explain the improvements that were occurring.
James could see the improvement, too. Rae was getting better. It was slow, but it was definitely there.
After the therapist left, James moved back to Rae’s bedside. “You are getting better,” he confirmed.
She wanted to reply with something sharp, but bit back her words. James couldn’t blame her for the bad mood.
“Would you like to get some sleep, talk for a while, have me pick up reading where I left off?” he asked, keeping his voice neutral.
She sighed. “Finish the book.”
James studied her face, finally nodded. He picked up the suspense novel he had been reading to her, pulled the chair back to her bedside. “Is the mirror angle okay?”
“Yes.”
She hated the mirror. Positioned over her, it let her see the room while she was flat on her back. She really hated it. James reached over and gently squeezed her hand, didn’t let go of it as he used one hand to find the page they were on in the book. He began reading.
It took her several minutes, but she turned her hand over to grip his.
Rae was able to move now, but only with great care. The physical therapist had had her on her feet yesterday, a reality that had caused her an immense amount of vertigo. The exhaustion after therapy had caused her to sleep through the afternoon. James had sat with her, reading a book, watching for any signs of the nightmare returning.
She had been dreaming about the accident recently, waking terrified, reliving the moment she had turned her head
and seen the headlights right there, the instant before the car had slammed into her driver-side door. She had no memory of the accident past that point; didn’t remember the emergency room, nor much from the first couple days in the ICU. James wished her memory had erased those first few moments before the accident as well.
The first time the dream had happened, her heart rate had jumped to almost one hundred sixty beats per minute in only a few seconds. The nurse had seen it happen and shaken her awake. The doctors told her the dream would fade in intensity with time. James preferred to be there to shake her awake rather than let her complete the dream.
“She’s bored.”
James laughed at Lace’s conclusion, joining her at the hospital cafeteria table for a cup of coffee. “I brought the reference books she asked for with me. That should help serve as a distraction.”
Rae was healing, feeling better, fighting to regain motion, mobility, strength. She was fighting her way back to health.
“I hear she goes down to the physical therapy room today,” Lace commented.
James carefully picked up his coffee mug, knowing his hands might drop it if he didn’t concentrate. He nodded. “They want to get her relearning to walk.”
“Did the doctors say what yesterday’s MRI results were?”
“The swelling below the fracture point is down but it’s not gone. At least that implies more improvement is still likely.”
The sunlight woke her up. Rae lifted her right hand into her line of sight, flexed the fingers into a fist, pleased to simply watch the movement.
She had grown accustomed to these quiet moments. It
was early. Soon the nurse and physical therapist would be in, the steel locking pins would be turned and she would be mobile again, her neck held straight by a smaller brace.
She breathed in deeply, let it out slowly.
There were a few benefits to a severe accident. She got to lie in bed for a good portion of the day, nap, read, talk to friends. She had the strength and energy of a newborn kitten.
She knew what James felt like now.
Concern for how the business was doing tensed her body and she forced the thought away. She wasn’t going to worry about something she had little control over. Jack was there. Her staff were good. Dave was going in each day for a couple of hours.
She touched her hand to her face, exploring how far the swelling had come down. She had nearly broken her jaw. It still ached.
“Good morning, Rae.”
She smiled at the voice of her favorite nurse. “Good morning.”
A few seconds later, the face connected with the voice appeared in her line of sight.
“Breakfast is coming.”
“I’m hungry,” Rae remarked, surprised.
Her new friend laughed. “Your body is letting you know it’s tired of IVs.”
Rae held her breath as the pins were released and she was once again mobile. It felt great to be free of the large brace, but also scary. Her neck was still fragile; a fall could paralyze her for life.
The nurse helped her dress in sweats, ease back onto the bed. She was grateful physical therapy was not for another hour and a half. It was hard, knowing she should be able
to do so much more, to accept the fact that her body could not do it yet.
God, I understand so much better the frustration James must feel. It’s the frustration of all the little things. The fact I have to concentrate to be able to take even a single step. The fact I can’t put on a pair of shoes. The fact I can’t reach the book I want to read without first carefully maneuvering to get in position. The fact I get tired so easily.
“Hey, lady. Like some company?” It was a soft question from her left.
Rae turned carefully, smiled. “I was just thinking about you.”
James crossed the room. “Good thoughts, I hope.”
“Hmm.” She watched carefully as he moved, was grateful that his pain appeared to be under control this morning. He looked like he had finally had a decent night of sleep. She had been worried about him.
He kissed her good-morning. She was reluctant to end the kiss, a fact that made him laugh. “You taste minty,” he remarked, reluctantly easing away. He sat down in the chair beside her bed.
She wrinkled her nose. “Toothpaste.”
He grinned. “Whatever.”
She loved his smile. She loved the fact he chose to spend his days with her.
“What, no James?”
Rae had gotten adept at using the mirror above her bed, finally accepting its reality. “Hi, Lace. I sent him home.” It was late and she was flat on her back, not going to be moving again until morning.
Her friend appeared in her line of vision. “I know, I’m just teasing. I saw him in the lobby.”
Rae smiled. She loved James and Dave, but there were times when a girlfriend was the one who really mattered. “He looks good, doesn’t he?”
“Dave or James?”
Rae chuckled. “Yes, I noticed the change in Dave, too. James.”
“I think the new medication is helping. He’s in less pain.”
“I think so, too. Have you and Dave been dating?”
“Do you expect me to kiss and tell?”
Rae grinned. “Absolutely.”
“He brought lunch over yesterday. Yeah. I think we’re really dating.”
“This is good.”
“This is murder. I can never tell when he’s pulling my leg and when he’s serious.”