Gold in the Fire and Light in the Storm (29 page)

Beth dropped her gaze to a spot halfway between them on the oak table. “She’ll tell her when the time’s right.”

“For who?”

“Tanya. She’s had to deal with a lot lately.” She realized she was really talking about herself. She should be the one to talk to Samuel about her cancer, but she couldn’t get the words past her lips.

“But she’s not alone. God’s with her and we’re with her.”

“Do you really feel that way?”

He looked her directly in the eye and said, “Yes. Two months ago I wouldn’t have agreed, but you’ve made me see so much that I was refusing to see. The Lord has been with me the whole time. Just because a person prays to God doesn’t mean that what he prayed about will happen. The Lord knows best, not me. I’d forgotten that.”

Does He?
For a few seconds her faith wavered. Then
she remembered a verse from Romans. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose,” she murmured.

Her hand trembled as she placed her mug on the table.
Tell him,
that inner voice pleaded.

She stared at his handsome face, the words rising within her. She opened her mouth to tell him, but as before nothing would come out. Quickly she lifted the mug again and sipped at her coffee. She could handle only so much, and telling him wasn’t one of those things. Not yet.

Samuel stepped off the elevator and immediately saw Zoey pacing in front of the nurses’ station. He headed for her, concerned by the worried look in her eyes. “Aunt Mae didn’t tell me who was in the hospital. One of your children?”

“No.” She waved him toward a waiting room across from the nurses’ station, then preceded him.

When he entered the room, his gaze swept over Zoey, Darcy, Tanya and Jesse, and he knew who was in the hospital: Beth. The thought that she might be hurt slammed through him as though a truck had run over him. “What’s wrong with Beth?” His question came out in a gruff whisper, but then, he was amazed his voice even worked.

“She’s in surgery right now.” Zoey peered toward Jesse for support, then back at Samuel. “She has breast cancer. The doctor is removing the lump.”

He sank into a chair not far from him, his legs giving out. His throat closed, cutting off his air until it was difficult even to breathe. “Breast cancer,” he managed to choke out, while the pressure in his chest squeezed his heart until it felt as though it were splitting into fragmented pieces.

“Yes, she found out a few days ago and the doctor wanted to operate right away.” Jesse came forward. “We wanted her to tell you. She couldn’t. She asked Zoey to.”

Four pairs of eyes were on him, their own pain mirrored in their gazes. He couldn’t look at them any longer. He dropped his head, staring unseeingly at his lap, his hands twisting together, their outline blurring.

No, not again, Lord. Why Beth? Why me?

Silence greeted his plea.

The sounds of the regional hospital cut into the quiet in his mind—beeping noises, people talking outside the waiting room, a doctor being called over the intercom system. He tried to draw air into his lungs, but a tightness gripped his chest. Light-headed, he finally looked up at the four women still staring at him, the worry on their faces now evolving into full-fledged concern.

Over three years ago he had lived through this very scene, only to lose his wife in the end because the cancer had spread so quickly. Again he took a breath, this time managing to fill his lungs partially.

Zoey sat next to him and placed her hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry. I tried to get Beth to tell you yes
terday, but she said she couldn’t handle it. She was still trying to deal with the fact she had cancer. Everything moved so fast once they discovered the malignant lump.”

“How long has she been in surgery?” Why hadn’t she been able to turn to him? He had failed her when she needed him most.

“A while. It shouldn’t be much longer.”

He should have been here from the beginning, but he had been out running when Zoey had called the house. He’d come as soon as he could after his aunt had told him Zoey needed him at the hospital, that she would be on the second floor in the waiting room. He should have held Beth and prayed with her last night, but instead he had sat in her kitchen drinking her coffee, talking about unimportant things, oblivious to what was really going on in her head. In his heart he’d known something was wrong, but when she hadn’t said anything he hadn’t pushed. He should have pushed.

For the next twenty minutes he paced the length of the room, counting his steps because he didn’t want to think about what was going on with Beth. If he could numb his mind, he would be all right.

“I’m getting some coffee. Do you want any?” Darcy asked everyone.

“I could use a cup.” Tanya started to lift her purse from the floor.

Samuel stopped his pacing and said, “I’ll get the coffee, and it’s on me.”

Pivoting, he hurried from the room and went in search of the vending machine on the floor. Out in the corridor he felt as though he could breathe a little more easily without Beth’s friends watching him as if they were waiting for him to explode. He had to hold himself together long enough to find out if Beth would be all right. He’d lost control once before in his life and had hurt his family in the process. He couldn’t do that again, and if that meant shutting down his feelings concerning Beth, then that would be what he had to do. She had become too important to him. He would be there as her friend, but that was all. Emotionally he couldn’t afford anything else.

After selecting three coffees from the vending machine, Samuel headed back to the waiting room. Approaching the group of women, he noticed a man in their midst talking to them. He rushed forward, realizing the doctor was reporting on Beth.

Smiling, Zoey looked at him. “She’s going to be okay.”

“I removed the lump,” the doctor said. “The cancer was contained and hadn’t spread to the lymph nodes.”

Relief made Samuel’s hand tremble as he handed the paper cups to Tanya and Darcy. “Can we see her now?”

“She’s still in recovery, but I’ll have the nurse tell you when she’s back in her room.” The doctor left the waiting room.

Jesse grabbed her purse and rummaged inside. “I’ll call her sister and brothers now.”

“Why aren’t they here?” Samuel asked, swallowing
some of the bitter, lukewarm coffee. He winced and realized he’d forgotten the sugar that Beth was trying to wean him from.

“Beth didn’t want them to come home for this. She made me promise not to call until after the operation.” Jesse retrieved her cell phone and a slip of paper with some phone numbers on it. She walked to the other end of the room and began making her calls.

“I guess we’re lucky she told us.” Zoey went to the phone in the waiting room and began punching in some numbers as she continued, “I’m calling the school to let the secretary know what’s going on.”

Now that he knew Beth was going to be all right, anger started festering inside him. Beth shouldn’t have kept something like this a secret—not from him. Didn’t the past few months mean anything to her? He’d begun to think he meant something to her, but that was obviously not the case. Beth had told only her closest friends, and he hadn’t been one of them. Her rejection hurt, fueling his anger.

“I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back later,” he told Beth’s friends, and started for the door.

“What do we tell Beth when we see her? When will you be back?”

Samuel glanced over his shoulder and said to Zoey’s questions, “I have no idea when, if ever.”

He couldn’t think in the hospital. He had to get away from it and try to make some sense out of his vacillating emotions.

“You told him?” Beth asked Zoey as her friend sat in the chair next to her bed.

“Yes.”

Beth looked from Zoey to Jesse, then Darcy and Tanya. “Where is he?” Even though her mind was foggy from the anesthetic, concern for Samuel pushed to the forefront. She knew what the news would do to him and now she feared the worst.

“He went for a walk.” Darcy glanced away from Beth as though she couldn’t quite meet her eyes.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing,” Jesse said too quickly.

“You don’t have to protect me.”

Jesse looked directly at Beth. “I’m not sure he’s coming back.”

Beth shouldn’t have been surprised by the news and she wasn’t, but disappointment that she wouldn’t see Samuel flooded her. Despite not having the nerve to tell him about her cancer, she had still wanted to see him when she awakened from the operation. She loved her friends, but she needed Samuel. She needed to know he was all right. She needed him to tell her everything would be all right for her.

“I imagine this has brought back bad memories of his late wife.” Beth plucked at the white cotton sheet, trying to keep her voice steady.

“He didn’t look too well when I told him about
you,” Zoey murmured. “I don’t think I did a very good job, either.”

“Nonsense, Zoey. You did fine. It’s not easy breaking that kind of news to anyone. I called your siblings.” Jesse moved closer to the bed.

“They aren’t coming, are they?” Beth didn’t want her family descending on her, not when she felt so fragile—as if she would break at any moment. She needed to be alone, to lick her wounds by herself. Or even better, she needed Samuel.

“No, they’re going to respect your wishes. But Holly said you’d better call her as soon as you can. Daniel is coming home in a few weeks to check on you. I couldn’t reach Ethan because he is out of the country, but I left a message on his machine.”

Beth tried to smile, but the corners of her mouth quivered. “Thanks, for calling them, Jesse. I’d forgotten that Ethan was on assignment in the Middle East for his newspaper.”

Weariness slid over Beth, causing her to yawn. Her eyelids drooped, then snapped open.

“I think we’d better leave you to get some rest.” Zoey rose from the chair and patted Beth’s arm. “We’re here for you and we will be when you get home. Anything you need just ask one of us or all of us.” She leaned down and gave Beth a hug.

Each one embraced Beth and said she would pray for her. Then her four best friends left her alone to her
thoughts. Where was Samuel now? What had she done to him?

Please, Lord, help him and heal any pain that my illness may have caused him. I don’t ever want to hurt him. I love him too much
.

As the prayer slipped through her mind, she closed her eyes and pulled the sheet and blanket up to her chin. Coldness pierced her as though she had been stabbed with an icicle. She burrowed down under the covers, sleep flowing over her….

A sound penetrated her sleep-drenched mind. She shifted on the bed, trying to get up, and pain spread outward from her chest. She remembered where she was and why. Her eyes bolted open to her dimly lit hospital room, darkness beyond the window. In the shadows stood a tall, muscular man she instantly recognized as Samuel. He stared out the window into the night, his body stiff, his hands curled into fists at his sides.

Her first thought was that he had come to see her. Then she really studied his stance and saw the anger barely contained, especially when he swung around and stabbed her with his icy look, much like the coldness earlier before she’d fallen asleep.

“I just wanted to make sure you were all right with my own two eyes.” He started for the door.

“Please don’t leave.”

B
eth’s plea went straight to Samuel’s heart, twisting about it and squeezing. He halted but couldn’t turn toward her, not yet when he was fighting both his anger and his pain. He’d tried to walk off his anger, and had thought he had succeeded until he found himself in her hospital room. Then all his fury had returned. While she’d slept, he’d watched, alternating between wanting to leave and stay.

Still facing the door, he said, “I don’t think I’d be very good company at the moment.”

“I’m sorry, Samuel. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you what was happening to me.”

He pivoted, having come back to discover one thing. “Are you really all right?”

“I’ll be fine. Time’s all I need. I had reconstructive surgery at the same time, so it will take me longer to get back on my feet, but I will get back on my feet. From what the doctor said they got it all.”

“Good. Now I need to go.” He took a step toward the door.

“Samuel, please.”

Heaving a deep sigh, he swung back toward her again. “What do you want from me, Beth? I’m dealing with this the best way I can. You didn’t think enough of me to include me in what was happening to you. That clearly tells me where we stand.”

“That’s not why I didn’t say anything to you. I care too much, Samuel. I didn’t want to be the one to hurt you any further. I know what you went through with Ruth. If I could have gone through this without you ever finding out, I would have. I knew that was impossible. Not in Sweetwater.” Tears ran down her face and she did nothing to stop them.

The sight of the wet tracks on her cheeks tore through his defenses, but still he stayed by the door, not daring to go to her. She’d admitted she wouldn’t have said anything to him if she had thought she could get away with it. That she thought so little of him drove the hurt even further into him. His emotions were shredded and he felt half a man at the moment. He couldn’t help her until he helped himself. Part of him was grounded in what had happened in the past; the other was here with Beth trying to deal with feeling left out of an important part of her life, of feeling as though he had let her down by not being by her side through the whole ordeal from the very beginning.

He gripped the handle on the door and yanked it open. “I’ll see you later.”

Out in the corridor he drew in a shaky breath and looked down at his hands, spread in front of him. They trembled with the force of the intense emotions coursing through him. He knew of only one way to deal with what was going on inside him.

Samuel rode the elevator to the first floor and found the chapel. Inside the small, dimly lit room he sat on the pew before the altar, folded his hands together and prayed as he had never done before. He would not go back to the man he was three years ago. That time he had nearly been destroyed. And he knew he couldn’t do this by himself.

Dear Heavenly Father, I believe You brought Beth into my life for a reason. She has helped me to find my way back to You, to heal the breach in my family. Please help her. Give me the knowledge to assist her through her ordeal. Help me to overcome the pain she caused when she didn’t include me in her life when she was hurting the most and needed me the most
.

The serenity of the chapel seeped into his soul and soothed away the hurt as though a hand had reached inside him and stroked away the pain. She was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time. Thinking back to their discussions about Ruth, he could see why she had excluded him and faced her operation on her own. He had opened up to her as he had to no one else, but in so doing had put a barrier of fear between them when she needed him most.

Now he could either walk away from her or be there
for her as a friend—anything beyond that he wasn’t sure he was ready to give.

The nurse had come in and closed the blinds in Beth’s room. The darkness beyond her window invaded every corner. Beth switched off all the lights except the nightlight near the bathroom and now lay in the dimness, trying to gather her composure, pull her life together. Even knowing Samuel’s reaction to her not telling him about the surgery and breast cancer, she didn’t think she would have done anything differently. Remembering back to the evening before, she knew she couldn’t have come up with the right words to ease his pain with her news. Maybe one day he would understand her motives for keeping quiet and having Zoey tell him.

She couldn’t fight her feelings any longer. She loved him and that wasn’t going to change or go away. But how could she compete with a ghost? His deceased wife was there between them.

She felt her tears return and determinedly squashed them. She had cried enough the past week—because of the cancer, because of her lost opportunity to go to Brazil, because of Samuel and what she had known she would do to him.

Her door swished open, and she turned her head to see who was coming into her room. Samuel stood just inside the entrance, a neutral expression on his face. He moved forward. Hope flared inside her as he made his way to her bed and sat in the chair next to her.

“It’s dark in here. Were you trying to go to sleep?”

She shook her head, afraid to use her voice for fear it wouldn’t work.

“Beth…” He took her hand and cupped it between his. “I’m sorry for getting angry earlier. I was purely reacting, not thinking. Can you forgive me?”

“If you’ll forgive me for not having the courage to tell you myself. I wanted to. I…” She licked her dry lips and swallowed several times. “Will you hand me that glass of water on the stand?”

He reached for the peach plastic cup and gave it to her. “I won’t kid you and tell you that you having breast cancer doesn’t worry me because the doctor feels he got it all. In my head I know you’ll be all right in time. In my heart I’ll always worry about you. You’re so special and very important to me.”

Beth sipped her water, the cool liquid slipping down her parched throat. “That’s the way I feel about you. In my head I knew I should have told you about my cancer, but in my heart I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I tried. Really I did.”

Leaning forward, he brushed his fingers across her moistened lips. “I know. It wasn’t easy for Ruth to tell me either, and there had been no past history to contend with.” When he settled back in the chair again, his hands clasped in his lap, he continued, “Now, let me make it up to you by having you come stay with us until you’re back on your feet.”

“I can’t do—”

He held up his hand. “Shh. Yes, you can. Aunt Mae and I insist. Someone has got to take care of you for the next week or so. You didn’t want your siblings to come home, so who is going to?”

Smoothing the blanket over and over, she murmured, “Me. I had planned to do it myself. I’ve taken care of myself for the past thirty-some years. This is no different.”

“No. I won’t let you do it by yourself. You need to be pampered and cared for, and I have a family who is eager to do it. I asked each one, and none of us will take no for an answer. At least consider staying with us for a few days. You’ve had major surgery. You shouldn’t be by yourself.”

Stunned by the invitation and the ardent way he asked, Beth found herself nodding, almost afraid not to from the look of determination on his face.

“Good. Then it’s settled.”

“You’ll have to break the news to Zoey, Darcy, Jesse and Tanya. I think they had planned on taking shifts staying with me.”

“They can visit you at my house.”

In all her adult life she had always been the one to pamper and take care of someone. She had never been the recipient before. She might go stir crazy before the first day was over, she thought. She wasn’t very good at doing nothing.

With his arm about Beth, Samuel helped her to his bed while his three children and Aunt Mae filed into
his bedroom behind him. “You’re going to use my room.”

“I can’t kick you out of your own room.”

“Yes, you can and besides, you don’t have a say in this.” Samuel assisted her as she eased onto his bed. “I’ve already set up my things downstairs in my office. There’s a very comfortable couch that will be fine for me.”

“But—”

He shook his head. “No buts. I didn’t think it would be very restful to share a room with either a fifteen- or eight-year-old. And you need your rest.”

“Yes, Dr. Morgan.”

Even though he grimaced, a twinkle glinted in his dark eyes. “I have a list of instructions from your doctor and I intend to carry out every last one of them.”

“With our help,” Allie chimed in.

Beth peered around Samuel and smiled at the young girl. “Thank you for letting me share your home.”

“Dear, you’re welcome anytime.” Aunt Mae bustled over to the bed and began turning down the covers. “I think the best thing for you right now is to get some rest.”

“That’s all I’ve been doing the past few days. I’ve never had this much rest before.”

“Have you ever been really sick or had an operation?” Aunt Mae fluffed up several king-size pillows and placed them against the cherry-wood headboard.

“No.”

“Then you need to lie back and let us take care of you. I know what I’m doing and I’ll make sure they do, too.”
The older woman tossed her head in the direction of Samuel and the children. “They really are very trainable.”

“Aunt Mae!” Jane exclaimed, laughter in her voice.

Samuel’s aunt grinned and winked. “Now, let’s take off your shoes and get you comfortable.”

Beth threw a “help me” look toward Samuel. He shrugged.

When Aunt Mae started to assist Beth with her shoes, Beth shook her head and said, “I can do it. Please, I’m not an invalid yet.”

“Okay. Okay.” The woman backed off. “I’ll go prepare dinner, then. Come on, children, I need some help in the kitchen.”

The three children left the room, grumbling the whole way. Allie even glanced back and started to say something to her father.

Samuel stopped her with his hand raised. “You go with Aunt Mae. You’ll get to see Beth later.” Then when the children had disappeared into the hallway, he turned back to her and added, “My family can be a bit overwhelming.”

Beth thought about Allie, Craig, Jane and Aunt Mae and had to agree with Samuel, but their presence warmed her. They were overwhelming in a good way, reminding her of her siblings, who had filled her house with noise and laughter.

“I’m not sure you’ll get the rest you need. I forgot about how much my children like you.”

Beth slipped her shoes off and scooted back against the pillows, glad that she wore a comfortable jogging
suit. “Good. They can keep me from being bored. I don’t do lying around very well. Never had much of a chance, raising three siblings, so I don’t even know if I can do it.”

“You may regret saying that in a day or two. Allie already has a whole bunch of games she wants you to play with her.”

“I might be able to work some on the dollhouse.”

“We’re almost done and remember, no work for you. That word shouldn’t even be in your vocabulary for the next week or at least a few days.”

“My, I’m seeing a whole new side to you.”

He dragged a padded chair to the bed and sat. “The caring, wonderful side?”

She laughed. “Hardly. More like demanding, I’m-going-to-get-my-way-no-matter-what side.”

Lines of merriment appeared at the corners of his eyes, fanning outward and adding a certain whimsical appeal to his charm. “Seriously, is there anything I can get you? Do you have everything you need from your house?”

“You and Zoey did a great job of packing what I needed.” She pictured Samuel helping Zoey gather her clothes and felt the heat of a blush sear her cheeks. Had he gone through her drawers and closet?

Samuel’s gaze held hers for a long moment, penetratingly intense. “To put your mind at ease, Zoey wouldn’t let me near your bedroom. I got the two books you wanted to read, your special blend of coffee and your address book with your stationary.”

“Aunt Mae won’t be offended because I brought my own coffee?”

“Not when she gets a taste of it. She’ll be fighting me for a cup.”

Now that she was settled, weariness washed over her. It was the middle of the afternoon. She never took naps, and yet she wanted one. She needed some coffee. “Speaking of my coffee, do you think I could get some?”

“Sure. But don’t you think you should rest before dinner?”

Determined not to let her breast cancer change her life any more than it already had, she shook her head. “I don’t believe in naps.”

He levered himself out of the chair and hovered over her. “I’ll go have Aunt Mae make some coffee and I’ll share a cup with you. Then I insist you rest.”

“Aye, aye, Captain.”

He headed for the door. “You know I was a captain in the army.”

The chuckle in his voice gave her a warm, cozy feeling as she let her eyelids close for just a moment. The scent of clean, fresh sheets teased her senses while she thought of the masculine decor in Samuel’s room. Solid dark cherry-wood furniture with only a few knickknacks adorning the surfaces fit her image of Samuel. He was solid, like the pieces of furniture, with a no-nonsense personality. And yet, on the nightstand there was a picture of his family and a Bible, both important parts of his life.

The exhaustion she’d held back claimed her, whisking her away. She fought it, but for the life of her she couldn’t pry her eyes open. Sleep blanketed her.

Samuel toed open his bedroom door, since his hands were occupied with holding two mugs of the delicious-smelling coffee that was Beth’s special blend. Starting across the brown carpet toward his bed, he stopped halfway when he saw Beth with her head sagging to the side on the pillows propped against the headboard, her eyes closed in sleep. She looked beautiful and at peace even though she’d had a fright this past week. The doctor felt she would make a full recovery, and Samuel prayed the man was right, because staring at Beth in his bed, sleeping, made him realize how much he cared for her, that being her friend might not be enough.

Was it love? The kind that bound two people together forever?

Frowning, he covered the distance between them and placed her mug on a coaster on his nightstand. He caught a glimpse of the framed photograph of his family. Ruth smiled at him, her hands on Allie’s shoulders. Looking at his deceased wife didn’t bring the usual heartache and emptiness. Samuel glanced back at Beth, knowing she was the reason he was beginning to move on with his life, relishing again the fullness of it, especially his relationship with the Lord.