Gone (19 page)

And then she was gone. And Ed was gone, too. The dark corner of the Supper Club was empty again. Just empty space.

That kiss wasn't going to happen. Never. And now Ed understood it as an absolute. And he had to accept it. He had to find some way to accept reality.

Aren't you happy for her, Ed?

Of course he wanted her to be happy.
Of course.
That was the only thing he had ever cared about. He cared far more about her happiness than his own. That had been true since the moment he'd laid eyes on her angry scowl as she walked down the hallway of the Village School. He'd wanted to find a way to make that girl smile for a change.

But he couldn't just be happy for her. He couldn't. Maybe he wasn't as mature as Sam or Heather or anyone else at this table, but Gaia running off to Florida… it just felt totally
wrong
to him. It didn't feel real, it didn't feel right, it didn't feel true somehow. Could she really do that? Could she really just disappear without even saying goodbye to him?

Maybe she could. Maybe he didn't know Gaia Moore half as well as he thought he did. Maybe he never really had.

Either way, Ed had to accept it, whether it felt “wrong” or “real” or not. Gaia was gone. And if he knew anything about Gaia Moore, it was this:

Once she was gone, she was never coming back.

Certain
things are meant to be, and certain things are not. I've always believed that. Certain things are not about probability or statistics, they're just about facts. What “is” and what “isn't.”

Gaia and I were not meant to be. I believe that now. I accept it.

What we had was so powerful at first—our instant connection. More powerful than anything I've ever experienced. Maybe more powerful than anything I ever
will
experience. From our first moment at that chess table in the park, all the way to that last moment together, right before Loki's gunshot… every moment between us was explosive.

But that's just the point. Explosives combust. And then they burn out, and then they fade away. That was us. That is us. I knew it from the moment I came back—I just couldn't bring myself to accept it until now.

Actually, I think that kind of describes Gaia herself. All that
power, all that will, all that anger… She's combustible. She leaves this constant nuclear aftermath in her wake. But I guess that's finally over for her. I guess she was finally ready to let go—to burn out and fade away. Away from New York City, off to Florida, where she can finally relax; where she can finally put out the fire.

In a way, I think she said more to me by leaving than she ever could have said to my face. That's how I felt, sitting at that table in the Supper Club when I heard the news. I felt like, in her own way, she was sending me a final message.

Move on, Sam. For real this time. That's what I'm doing.

It took Gaia actually leaving town to drive it home, but I think maybe I can really start over now. I think maybe my normal life is finally beginning.

I will never love anyone as much as I loved Gaia Moore. Never.

But we never could have lived like that. All that explosive
power. It wouldn't have worked. Because when all is said and done, I don't think that's what life is about—a big explosive high.

Life is about lasting. It's about lasting for as long as we possibly can. I've come back from the dead once, and I never want to try to do it again. Lasting. That's it. That's all of it.

Gaia and I were simply not built to last. But on my own… maybe with some girl way down the line—some girl who isn't quite so combustible… I think I could last a pretty long time. I can only wish the exact same for Gaia. Just a long-lasting life. A life with fewer explosions and less fire. I think maybe she's found that on the beach, by the ocean. All that water to extinguish the flames. I don't think I ever would have believed it if she hadn't done it for herself, but now I can actually see it. For the first time I can actually see Gaia Moore finding some peace. And that makes me happier than she'll ever know.

Life
after death is just an illusion with a very simple explanation. And being the existentialist that I am, I'm more than happy to debunk the myth. I mean, I've heard all the ridiculous tales of people's “near-death experiences”—all the things they've seen while they were supposedly “on the other side”—the big white light, and the heavenly green field, and the ecstatic feeling of peace as they walked down that long tunnel.

But it's all a bunch of bull. It's all a purely biological phenomenon: when the blood stops flowing to your brain, you hallucinate. That's it. It's a proven fact. These people aren't seeing any “afterlife” during their precious two minutes of “death”—they're just plain old dreaming, basking in their little fantasies while the doctors are charging up the defibrillator.

I know that's what's happening to me right now. I know that I'm
lying dead on the roof and that this sudden feeling of “waking up again” is nothing more than my dying hallucination. That's why this blinding white light is staring me in the face. That's why I can still hear Skyler talking. Jesus, what a tragic final hallucination. More Skyler Rodke.

Only there's another voice in my dying dream, too. And I've heard it before, I just can't quite place it… that German accent…. What is he saying?

“
We need to finish up here. The procedure is going to take hours…
.”

Dr. Ulrich. That's the other voice in my dream. The man who so generously “gave me fear.” The man who will so generously be extracting all my internal organs once I'm—

Wait a minute.

I need to blink. I need to see past the white light. What if this isn't a hallucination? What if I'm not on the roof anymore? Okay, either my dream is taking
a turn for the nightmarish, or I know where I'm actually lying. I can sense it. My body… it's pinned down to a metal operating table. That blinding white light over my face… it's a surgical light. I can hear Dr. Ulrich standing at my side, talking about “the procedure….”

No, they wouldn't dare. They couldn't. They couldn't do this to me while I'm still alive. Even the Rodkes aren't that sadistic.

Jesus, am I on an operating table? Am I slowly dying as they begin to pull me apart? I need to blink away this blind spot. I need to turn away from the light….

GAIA FINALLY MANAGED TO TURN away from the blinding white light. The first thing she could see was her right arm. She followed the length of it until she saw her wrist. It was tied down with a thick, buckled leather strap, and that strap was tied securely to the bed.
That's
what she was lying on. Not an operating table, not the roof of Skyler's building… but a bed. And she was strapped to it. Both arms. Both legs.

She slammed her eyes shut again just for one moment—just to curse her entire existence.
Restraints.
She swore to herself on all that was holy that no matter
what,
no matter what was going on right now, whether she was going to live for another sixty years or another sixty seconds… this was the last time she would ever awaken in restraints.

“Karl…” She could hear Skyler's voice above her. “Karl, I think she's coming to.”

She ripped open her eyes again, squinting to dodge that glaring white light. She realized now that it wasn't a surgical light, but simply the lamp over Skyler's bed, hanging much too close to her face.

She was back in Skyler's apartment. She could still see the night through the panes of his bedroom window. How much time had passed since the roof?

“What the hell is this?” Gaia croaked, trying to spot Skyler's sickening face through her squinting eyes.

“Shhh.” Skyler placed his finger to his lips. “I think you want to go back to sleep.” He looked at Ulrich across the bed. “Couldn't we have put her out for this?”

“We don't have time to wait for the anesthetic,” Ulrich replied with his thick German accent. He sounded like a Nazi in every sense of the word. “I didn't expect her to wake so soon.”

Gaia flipped her head back to Ulrich and tried to speak with something stronger than a hoarse whisper. “What are you doing to me?” she mumbled. “What the hell are you—?”

“Ms. Moore,
please,
” Ulrich interrupted. “Please try to be still, and this can all go much more quickly. I'm sorry you had to witness this, but I had hoped you would stay unconscious for much—”

“You're
sorry?
” She strained to wake the muscles in her face. “If you're so sorry, then take these
off.
” She tugged at her restraints.

“I'm afraid I can't do that. That would make this entirely too difficult. But I promise you it won't be long now. I am working as quickly as I can.” He turned back to Skyler. “Bring the other drip over and we'll begin. This is difficult to do with her awake.” Ulrich averted his eyes and rolled some kind of metal pole into view next to the bed. Skyler was rolling one over from the other side.

No, not a pole, a “drip.” An intravenous drip. An IV…

Gaia understood. She knew what they were going to do to her. She knew what these two intravenous drips were for. One for each arm. It was Ulrich's very own little “suicide machine.” They weren't going to rip out her insides while she was still alive; they were going to “put her down” first. There were no psycho orderlies with syringes—that had just been a fake out—but this… this was the real thing. The
real
lethal injection. Gaia was about to be euthanized. Just like they did it on death row. She'd awoken just in time to witness her own death.

She turned back to Skyler as reality began to sink in. “Why didn't you just shoot me?” she uttered. “You could have started the autopsy hours ago.”

Skyler's eyes widened with surprise. But then a slow smile of epiphany began to creep up on his face. “
Man,
you're good. You are really good. You read my e-mail, didn't you? That whole Jake e-mail thing was total bull, wasn't it? You just wanted my password so you could hack into my e-mail. Gaia, I am really impressed.”

Gaia stared at his patronizing smile. “Screw you.” She tried again to send a jolt of energy to her limbs , but it was utterly pointless.

Skyler laughed, although Gaia was by no means
joking. He leaned down by her side with that same look of admiration that she was beginning to think wasn't even fake. “There is no way we would shoot you,” he said. “You think we would fire a bullet through this perfect body? We need everything pristine. Gaia, you are this perfect thing; you're this genetic masterpiece—we need every single organ, every vein, every artery intact….”

“All right, enough,” Ulrich announced. “We're about ready here. Now, you're sure you've covered all the bases for her disappearance? I'm not going to have your father shouting at me about—”

“It's taken care of,” Skyler assured him, standing back up. “I planted the whole story with Liz. She thinks Gaia's leaving town and heading down to Florida to ‘get lost.' I guarantee you she'll pass it on to the whole school by the end of tonight. The girl can't keep a secret.” He turned back to Gaia. “By the way, if it means anything to you, Liz doesn't know a thing about any of this. Like I said… can't keep a secret.”

Actually, it meant a lot. More than Gaia even thought it would mean. It was good to know that she hadn't misplaced
every
ounce of her trust in this life. It gave her another bolt of energy to challenge those restraints, which led to nothing but more burning pink skin on her wrists and ankles.

“Let's begin, then,” Ulrich said. “I want to get this over with.”

Her life, he meant. He wanted to get her life over With. Ulrich leaned down to her with the IV needle in his hand, and he began to tap her arm for the vein.

Jesus Christ.
This was how she was going to die. Euthanized like a death row criminal. She almost wished she hadn't woken up. Because there was absolutely nothing she could do. No amount of fighting spirit could change anything. Her body was strapped so tightly to that bed, she could hardly move a muscle. Even if she could, she was too weak to make a dent in those leather straps.

Ulrich inserted the needle into her arm, and then he moved around to the other side of the bed to insert the second. Gaia searched her brain desperately for some answer, some brilliant scheme, but there was nothing. Literally no room to maneuver.

He inserted the needle into her other arm, and then he moved back around the bed to press the switch and end her life.

Maybe there is an afterlife, she told herself. And I've just been too cynical to believe it.

Or maybe she just needed to believe that, in this last moment. Maybe she needed to believe a lot of things that she had never believed before.

It could be. It could be just like what all those people said: A warm white light. A green field. Blue skies and crystal blue water… Wait a minute! What the hell is the
matter with you? You sound like you've given up already. Make your body move. Wake it up! You have to fight this. You have to fight this tooth and nail. This is your life here. This is the end of it. The real end. Somehow, some way, you need—

But she never got to finish that thought. It was drowned out completely by the sudden blast of gunfire that tunneled through the hallway like fireworks.

And this time it wasn't the TV.

“YOU! DOWN ON THE GROUND. NOW!”

Gaia's eyes snapped open to see Loki, Jake, and Chris piling into Skyler's bedroom. Loki had both hands clamped securely to his gun, and he was pointing it at Ulrich. He'd already shot out the lock of the front door and kicked it down, and he was clearly aiming to shoot again.