Authors: Claire Hennessy
“Hey, Barry?”
“Yeah?” he replied.
“Remember a couple of weeks ago when you were talking about Hugh?” I said tentatively.
“Yeah,” he said, looking almost defensive.
“Do you still – think that?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I was just wondering.”
“You haven’t said anything, have you?”
“No. No, I haven’t. And I won’t, you know I won’t.” I paused. “You know Lucy?”
“Yeah. Well, not really, but – yeah.”
“She’s started going out with this guy Andrew. They’re, like, madly in love or something.”
“Do you like him?” he asked, picking up on the bitter note in my voice.
I shook my head.
“Do you like her?” he asked.
I nodded, and, nonchalantly, doing what I’d done a few weeks before, he said, “She’s cute.”
Only I didn’t laugh. I just nodded again and said, “Yeah.”
He didn’t say anything, but he moved closer to me and let me rest my head on his shoulder, and we stayed like that for the rest of the evening.
***
“How many days have you missed so far this month, anyway?” he asked.
“Most of them,” I shrugged. “Look, Barry, I don’t want to go in there. You don’t know what it’s like. It’s just too much right now.”
“Look, I know school isn’t exactly fun, but you’ve got your mocks next week and you haven’t even been in school for a full week since before Christmas.”
“They’re just the mocks,” I said. “Besides, no one can determine your intelligence from one stupid test.”
“They’re not trying to, they’re just seeing whether you’ve paid attention for the last three years or not, and yeah, it’s a pain and it’s completely stupid, but you’re going to have to do the exam no matter what.”
“Stop lecturing me, Barry, I don’t need this.”
“I wasn’t trying to lecture you, Em.”
“Well, then, don’t! I’m getting enough of this crap from the teachers. Work hard, study hard, blah blah blah. It’s too much. They don’t understand, they don’t care about what I’m going through.”
He just sighed. “Yeah. I know.”
***
“Okay, you were right and I was wrong.”
“What?” he said.
“I failed everything,” I told him.
“Oh. Everything?”
“Everything,” I confirmed.
“Well, at least they’re just the mocks,” he said reassuringly.
“Yeah,” I said. “That’s what my mum said. She was pretty annoyed, though.”
“I bet.”
“So, starting from next week, I’m not allowed out until after the Junior Cert,” I said, “except for the Easter holidays. I can’t believe she’s doing this to me. It’s so unfair.” She was cutting me off from everything and everyone – including Barry, who was keeping me sane about the whole Lucy thing, and Lucy herself, whose company I still desperately craved despite the fact that she and Andrew were inseparable now.
“She just wants you to study, though.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I don’t want to.”
“But if you’re not allowed out – well, maybe you should do a bit of work. I mean, if you’re stuck inside, you might as well try to pass the exam, you know?”
“I suppose,” I said sullenly.
“Or you could just sulk,” he suggested.
“Stop treating me like a kid,” I told him firmly.
He grinned. “Kids are easier to talk sense into.”
“I’m taking that as a personal insult, mister.”
“Good, you were supposed to,” he teased.
I laughed, and then tickled him until he begged for mercy.
Hugh and Fiona join us on the dance floor after some time, and I watch the two of them together. They both look happy. I wonder if I ever looked that happy when I was with him. I did at the start, I suppose. We were both so happy and giddy and euphoric.
***
“Hugh?
Hugh??
Hugh? You’re not serious.”
“Oh, come on,” he said. “You like him, I know you do.”
“I do not,” I said coyly.
He looked at me sceptically. “Emily, that was a pathetic denial. I wasn’t even momentarily fooled.”
I laughed. “Okay, okay. I like him. But he’ll run away screaming if I try to kiss him.”
“I don’t think he’ll be doing that, somehow,” Barry said mysteriously.
“Do you know something?”
“I might,” he said, smiling.
“Tell me!” I demanded.
“No, it was told to me in confidence,” he said.
“Sharing is caring,” I wheedled.
“Well, let’s just say that Hugh wouldn’t be entirely opposed to the idea of you and him in some kind of romantic embrace . . .”
“Did he tell you that?”
“My lips are sealed,” he said.
“So that’s a yes, then,” I smirked.
“Yeah,” he admitted. “But don’t mention to Hugh that I told you. You’re supposed to be seducing him of your own accord.”
“He’ll never know,” I promised.
***
“Ten! Nine! Eight!”
“Hey,” I said, sauntering over to Hugh. I was in a short black skirt and a shimmering blue top and I knew I looked good. I’m confident, I’m cool, I thought.
“Hey,” he said back.
“Four! Three!”
I smiled.
He smiled.
“One! Happy New Year!”
Everyone was cheering, and he grabbed me and we were kissing and clinging to each other and it was like I’d been waiting for this my whole life, because it made so much sense. It was Hugh. He’d been a part of my life for so long and now – now I had him.
And I’d never felt so happy.
***
“What’s great about it,” I explained to Barry the following week, “is that we’ve known each other for so long that we’re completely comfortable with one another. It’s just amazing. I mean, he knows so much about me, and I know so much about him, and we don’t have to learn any of that stuff. We just know it already. But it’s still passionate, you know? I’m still really attracted to him, even though we’ve been friends for so long. It’s the best of both worlds, really. I think maybe that there’s always been something there, and subconsciously we’ve always known, but it’s taken a while for our conscious minds to grasp it. Don’t you think?”
He nodded. “I’m happy for you guys.”
I hugged him. “Thank you. That means so much to me. You know, I’m really glad you told me I should go for it. Otherwise I mightn’t have plunged into this the way I did. Well, knowing me, I probably would have, but I wouldn’t have seen it as being a long-term thing, it would have just been something casual. But this
means
something, you know? I seriously think this is the sort of thing that could last for a really long time.”
“That’s really great, Em.”
I beamed.
***
That was at the start, of course.
“My feet are getting sore,” I tell Barry. “I’m going to go sit down for a while.”
He nods. “Want me to come with you?”
“Nah, it’s okay.” I smile.
“It’s your own fault for wearing those shoes, you know.” He grins.
“I know. They’re completely impractical but they’re so
pretty.”
I sit back down at our table. Natasha’s there, with Jean and Steven beside her. “Hey,” she says, “looks like you were having fun.”
I nod. “Yeah, but these aren’t really dancing shoes.”
“Oh, it doesn’t matter, they’re pretty,” she says.
“That’s exactly what I told Barry.” I laugh.
“What’s the deal with you two, anyway?”
“What do you mean?”
She stares at me for a moment. “You know what I mean, Emily! You two! When did that happen?”
“What? Nothing –
happened.”
“Oh, come on.”
“No, seriously. We’re friends. We’ve always been like that.”
“No, I remember you two as friends. You’ve never been quite this close. You’ve never looked at one another that way. You’re kidding me about not being with him, right?”
“I’m not,” I say. “Really, we’re just friends. It’s Barry. He’s like a brother to me.”
She raises her eyebrows. “God, I hope my brother doesn’t look at me that way. I’d be pretty scared.”
“We have a completely platonic relationship,” I tell her. “Not everything’s about lust or love.”
Natasha laughs. “I can’t believe I’m hearing
you
say that.”
“Oh, stop. I’m not that bad.”
“Yes, you are,” she grins.
“Only sometimes.”
“I still can’t believe that you and Barry aren’t together. I mean, you’re perfect for one another.”
“That’s what people seem to be saying,” I sigh.
“And you don’t think that if people are saying it, maybe they’re right?” she says.
I shrug. “I’m not attracted to him. That’s what it comes down to. He’s my dearest friend in the whole world and I love him, but that’s as far as it goes.”
She smiles. “Okay. What about you and Hugh? What happened there? The last I heard, you two were all over each other. What’s he doing with this Fiona one?”
“Hugh and I broke up,” I say.
“Well, obviously. But what exactly happened?”
“He liked Fiona, so – he went off with her.”
She makes a sympathetic face. “What an asshole!”
“Yeah,” I say, not really meaning it. “We’d been having problems before that, though.”
Problems. We had our parents getting involved in our love lives, for a start. They found out that we were going out and were delighted about the whole thing, and decided that the best way to encourage this blossoming relationship was to interrogate us about it whenever possible.
That wasn’t really an issue, though. It was more about – well, sex, really. It’s starting to seem that everything is, really.
“I don’t want to rush things,” Hugh said. “I mean, what we have, it’s something really special, and I don’t want to ruin that.”
I nodded. “Of course. We’ll take things slow.” I smiled at him. I’d been smiling non-stop for the past week or so, ever since New Year’s. Roisín had told me that it was truly sickening how happy I was, and had taken to making “awww” noises every time Hugh and I were near her.
It was vaguely irritating but mostly just appropriate for how we were both feeling.
“This is going to be perfect,” he said.
“Perfect,” I echoed.
***
“Barry, you’re my best friend in the whole wide world, right?”
“Right,” he nodded.
“Sleep with me.”
“What?” he said, looking appalled.
“I’m not that hideous, am I? Come on, as a favour to me. I don’t think Hugh has been told about the birds and the bees yet and I’m feeling incredibly deprived. He won’t mind if it’s you.”
“Emily, you’re being ridiculous.”
“Maybe if we watched some porn,” I mused. “That’d do it. Do you have any videos I could borrow?”
“No! Do I look like the sort of person who has a porn collection?”
“Male, teenage – yes!”
“Emily.”
“Help,” I said dramatically, throwing myself into his arms.
“I only hope you know how melodramatic you’re being,” he told me.
“Yes, I’m sadly aware of that fact. But seriously, Barry, we’ve been together for two months, and – nothing! We never even get the
chance
to do anything. It’s depressing. I’m starting to think he’s not remotely attracted to me.”
“Oh, don’t be silly. You’re gorgeous. He’s crazy about you.”
“Really?”
“He’s just nervous.”
“About –”
“Well, you know he hasn’t ever – you know.”
“Seriously?” I was truly taken aback by this. Hugh had always hinted at encounters, and I’d assumed he’d slept with girls before.
“Yeah. He talks big, but –”
“I can’t believe he never told me that,” I said.
“It’s not that surprising.”
“Yes, it is! He’s very attractive, and –”
“No, I mean it’s not surprising he hasn’t told you about it.”
“Do you think he feels inferior or something?”
Barry nodded. “Well, obviously. I mean, you’re so laid-back and casual about everything, and you’ve had all this experience –”
“Not
that
much.”
“ – and although you mightn’t think it, occasionally guys get insecure about that sort of thing.”
I feigned amazement. “No way. Guys have feelings?”
He smiled. “It’s true, I’m afraid.”
“So what do you think I should do? I don’t think he’d want me to tell him, ‘Don’t worry, I don’t mind if you’re a virgin’. Even though I
don’t.”
“Do whatever feels right.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to do. That’s why I’m here propositioning you,” I laughed. “Speaking of which, I’m very hurt that you turned me down.”
“Only because of Hugh, I assure you.”
“Oh, well, in that case.”
***
“It’s going to be great. You know how talented Shane is, and then Sarah has that amazing voice, and . . . I mean, don’t you think that we have a chance of making it?”
“Oh, yeah, definitely,” I said, smiling enthusiastically.
“It’s always been my dream to be in a band,” he continued.
I decided not to point out that he had actually wanted to be an actor at the age of eleven, and that by the age of twelve he’d decided he was going to be a doctor and save thousands of lives, and that because Science was too much work, he had decided at thirteen to be a professional skateboarder, and at fourteen he wanted to be like the guys on
Jackass.
“You know,” I laughed, “all the girls will be after you now that you’re in a band.”
“And they’ll be jealous of you for having me,” he replied, putting his arm around my shoulder. I leaned in to kiss him, but he didn’t seem interested. He just wanted to talk.
***
“Is he gay? Is he gay and just not telling me? Because, honestly, I don’t mind if he’s using me, because he’s incredibly sexy, but I do want something in return for all of this. He talks. He talks and he talks and he talks. This isn’t normal, Barry. It’s scaring me. I was brought up to believe that boys are an evil corrupting influence that are only after one thing, damn it!”
“Emily, remember what we said before about the melodrama?”
“He won’t shut up about the bloody band! That’s all I hear about! And every time I see Sarah in school she’s yapping on about it as well. It’s driving me up the wall. I want a boyfriend who’ll try to get my clothes off, not one who tells me I’m pretty and smart. I mean, ‘pretty’? ‘Pretty’ is for shoes and dresses and wallpaper. It’s not for the object of your lust. And smart? I don’t know where he’s getting that from, but it’s not a turn-on.”
“Have you ever considered the possibility that you’re a nymphomaniac?”
“Every day of my life.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“A girl has needs, Barry.”
“Talk to him.”
“I’ve tried. He just changes the subject.”
“It can’t hurt to try again.”
“I suppose.”
“Or, failing that, I suppose I’ll volunteer myself to show him how it’s done.”
“That means a lot to me, Barry.”