Grace Alive: a Christian Romance (7 page)

No, don’t cancel. Go,
God said. I put
my fists up to my eyes. It was all so confusing! I’d never heard
God this clear before about something. He kept telling me to see
Branson. Why? Why would God tell me to go out with a sinner?

“Zoe?” said my mom very carefully. “Honey,
are you alright?” My mom was more caring than my dad, but she was
also the first person to gossip about someone who was in sin in our
church. Which was almost everyone.

“I’m fine, Mom, thanks,” I said, trying to
clear the snot from my voice. I didn’t want her to come in. “I’m
going to bed.” I clicked off my lamp and heard her walk away.

I made myself get out of bed and head toward
the shower the next morning. I didn’t want to face my parents
downstairs. If I waited long enough they’d leave without me. I
could spend the gas today. I climbed into the shower and turned the
faucet on. I let the water pelt my head for a few minutes, before I
washed up for the day. Why did it matter if I forgot to tithe and
just wrote a check the next time? To me it seemed so weird. Wasn’t
time with God like different? Didn’t He say a day with Him was a
thousand years? After a good half hour of just letting the hot
water melt my frustration away, I got out and wandered into my
room. I stared at my closet.

What did I want to wear today? I didn’t feel
very motivated to look cute. I finally decided on a pale gray
cotton dress that hung to my knees. It was very simple and plain,
so I dressed it up by adding a long, sparkling, colorful necklace,
turquoise earrings, matching bracelets, and my black boots. I
untangled my wet hair and blow dried it straight. I applied my
makeup and glanced at the clock. Man. I was going to be late if I
didn’t hurry! It was 9:30. I did one more glance in the mirror,
grabbed my purse, and headed out the door. The wind assaulted me as
soon as I stepped outside. There went my hair. I managed to get my
door open and flung my purse inside. I got to the church in just a
few minutes and walked across the parking lot. A group of girls
around my age walked by laughing and chattering.

I overheard the name Branson and tried to
strain my ears to overhear what they were saying. Mostly it was
just high squeals and laughter. Weird. Maybe I had misheard what
they had said.

“My sister’s best friend used to date that
guy hard core.” I overheard one girl say with straight blonde hair.
The wind took away the rest of what she said. We all came inside
the building, and the girls giggling stopped. I headed toward my
row to find Mia. She was already there with Tomas sitting next to
her, scowling. Had they been fighting again?

“Hi, guys,” I said as I set my purse down
beside her on the row.

“Hi, Zoe,” she said with a half-hearted
smile. Tomas barely looked at me.

“Hi, Tomas, how’s work?” I asked him the
typical question he asked me. He mumbled some sort of reply which I
only heard half of.

“You’re kind of late, Zoe,” Mia said in a
curt tone. I flinched a little bit. That was odd of her. She
usually was the one who told me I was a freak for showing up so
early for everything under the sun.

“It’s not ten. Church hasn’t even started
yet,” I defended. It didn’t take much to set me off these days.

“How was the mixer on Friday?” She folded her
hands over her lap and appeared to be straight up ignoring her
husband.

“It was…umm…okay, I guess. I only stayed for
like 20 minutes.”

“Really? Any cute guys there?” She looked at
her manicured fingernails. She was wearing a silver and black dress
with a square neckline. A square silver pendant adorned her throat,
and her brown hair was up in a side bun.

“No…just Jacob and a few other people who got
conned into showing up,” I finished, and brought my attention to
Mia’s eyes. Why wouldn’t she look at me? She seemed weird. I would
have to get her alone later today and find out what was eating at
her. Obviously she and Tomas were at odds with one another.

“Oh, that’s a bummer.”

With a wide smile, Pastor Mike got up and
gripped his microphone.

“Let’s stand up on our feet this morning and
praise the Lord!” The music began to play, and I let myself be
distracted by singing at the top of my lungs.

“Zoe, you should be up there leading, not
Pastor Mike. You have such an amazing voice,” Mia said in my
ear.

“Nah, its fine, Mia. I don’t want to lead.”
I’d never felt confident enough to do something that crazy. The few
times I did do specials, I always had my dad critiquing my style.
He’d tell me I was off a little bit, or I hadn’t hit my notes
powerful enough. According to anyone else on the planet I had done
amazing, but not Dad. It was no wonder I’d sort of let that flop.
Mia shrugged but gave me one of those best friends looks that was
you’re so much better!
I just ignored her look and went back
to worship. My dad got up to preach after the announcements, and I
settled in, preparing myself to be battered. My dad knows a lot of
the word, and a lot of people really like him, but when he
preaches, I just feel like it’s aimed straight at me some days.

He was preaching about bringing people into
the kingdom of God. How we shouldn’t have idle hands and stuff. I
heard some of it, but in the end, I just felt condemned again. I
couldn’t even remember the last person I’d gotten saved. I felt so,
so guilty about that. I was supposed to be the hands and feet of
Jesus, and I was failing Him. People were going to Hell because I
was lazy in my life. I fidgeted where I sat. Mia seemed to be
absorbing everything my dad said. As far as I knew, Mia had never
led anyone to the Lord. Church soon ended, and I walked Mia outside
to her car. She gave me a quick hug.

“It’s going to work out, Zoe; God has someone
special for you. Just you wait.” She smiled at me and opened up the
passenger door and climbed in. Tomas gave me a simple nod. I waved
to their kids who were starting to scream and holler. God love Mia.
I could not have those types of children. My mind drifted to
Branson’s little girls who always seemed to be smiling and
giggling. I headed toward my car, watching Mia and Tomas drive
away. I saw a few other girls walking in the parking lot. I’ve
wanted to become friends with more than just Mia, but I’ve always
had a hard time really reaching out to people.

I’ve known Mia for awhile, and we’re
comfortable around each other. The only thing I didn’t talked to
her about was Tomas. I knew it was a touchy subject. Just like
being 26 and single was for me. I drove home, wishing I had
somewhere to be. Mom and Dad were probably going out with some
family. I got home, sat down on the couch, and thought that
ordering a pizza for lunch sounded just fine. I got a text. I
grabbed my phone and looked at the screen.

I’m stopping by.
Your parents said
you were home.
It was from Jacob. I moaned and nearly threw my
phone. What happened to adult supervision and all that crap? In
just a few short minutes, Jacob pulled up into our driveway and
knocked on our door. I reluctantly opened it for him and ushered
him inside.

“Hi, Jacob, how are you?” What I wanted to
say was hi, Jacob, now scram. He walked in; his hands shoved into
his dress pants pockets. He looked at me with a worried look.

“I hope its okay that I stopped by. Your dad
said you were home alone, so I figured I’d take you out for lunch
if you didn’t mind.”

What did I need to do to make this guy leave
me alone? My dad’s words began to pound into my skull. Jacob was my
husband according to him, so if I refused, would Jacob go running
and crying to my dad? I was sure to get an earful if I just didn’t
go with Jacob. It was free food.

“I’ll grab my purse. Where do you want to
go?”

“Applebee’s?” he suggested as I grabbed my
purse and followed him out the door. The car ride felt awkward,
Jacob yammering about my dad’s sermon. Yay for guilt. Yay for
condemnation.

“I’ve won over fifteen people to the Lord in
the last six years. I’ve really seen the Lord move on their hearts
at Light on the Hill. Mark stopped drinking after I told him that
he was going to go to Hell if he drank one more drop.”

A few weeks ago, I’d seen Mark drinking in
the window of a bar downtown. I didn’t tell Jacob that though. Let
him have his moment of glory.

“How many souls have you won for the Lord,
Zoe? I’m sure you’ve topped my number, being a pastor’s daughter
and all.”

More guilt. More condemnation. I think I’d
won maybe three if I remembered right. I didn’t want to tell Jacob
that.

“So, how about that courting stuff,” I said
with a fake smile. What did I just say? Did I just mention courting
with Jacob. Wow! I wanted to slap myself.

“I know it’s so exciting! I’ve been waiting
for this for years!” He pumped his fist with a laugh. My eyes
widened as we pulled into Applebee’s parking lot. We got a table
easy enough and sat down. I did not want to be here at all right
now. I spotted a few girls from church and wanted to duck under the
table. They were probably going to give me the stink eye. I’d felt
most girls animosity at the way Jacob kept trying to win me over.
They wanted a shot at the semi-good looking, rich, Christian
Superman.

I ordered some boneless wings and a side of
fries, and Jacob ordered a cheeseburger with fries. As we sat and
waited, Jacob kept chattering. I didn’t hear over half the
conversation until he said the word
wife
and
wedding.
My eyes came snapping over to his face. What was that? I needed to
learn to listen to people better.

“Tell me, Zoe, do you want to be a
stay-at-home-mom? I could totally picture you barefoot and
pregnant.” He got a kick out of that as I scowled at him. Really?
Seriously? What a butthead.

“Well…I don’t know about that, but I’d like
to publish my book one day.”

“Your book?” He smiled, and I could see a
snicker behind his smile. I could read that look on his face that
said
that’ll never happen.
That made me furious. I pressed
my lips together and shut my mouth. If I said anything, I was going
to yell and scream at him. I suffered through the rest of our lunch
date and was thanking God when it was over.

I didn’t have to work today which was nice
and not so nice. Nice, because I could sleep in for a little bit,
and not so nice because my mom and dad were watching me like a
hawk. I had no idea why. I think they thought I was going to run
out the door screaming. I had been texting Branson all week trying
to get to know him a little better, and we’d been on Facebook
chatting last night for five hours. Mom tried to make conversation
with me but failed. I had no desire to talk about the other night
when my dad had yelled at me about my tithe.

My mom made me breakfast. I choked down
pancakes and two sausages, but honestly I didn’t feel like eating a
thing. I needed to get out of here. After my meal, I took a shower,
got dressed, and put on some makeup. I needed to go for a walk or
something. I grabbed my cell phone, keys, and purse and headed out
the door.

“Where are you going, sweetheart?” my mother
asked me.

“Going for a walk in the park.”

“Okay, love you.” I heard her putting the
dishes in the dishwasher and walked out the door. My dad was in his
study praying. I felt anger brewing up in me again. Why was I angry
at my dad? He was just trying to teach me the laws of God. It
wasn’t his fault I was so stupid. I unlocked my car and slid into
the driver’s seat. I shoved my key in the ignition and turned it
over. My car purred to life, and I peeled out of the driveway. I
felt something lift off my shoulders instantly. I would see Mia at
church tonight. I needed to talk to her. Really, really badly.
Should I though? Should I say that my dad chewed me out last
Saturday because I forgot to tithe? Maybe I should just keep it to
myself. I slammed my hands against the steering wheel. Was that
really who God was? A tyrant like my dad? If I broke the rules was
I going to Hell?

For God so loved the world that He gave
his only begotten son.
I paused as I heard the scripture in my
heart. For God so loved the world. If God loved me, why did He get
so mad at me when I didn’t do something right? It was so confusing.
I turned up my stereo and let the worship music soothe my nerves. I
just needed to drive. I drove for awhile until I hit the furthest
part of town where a lonely park rested. It was the perfect place
to just get away. I still felt emotional, but I could hide it
pretty well when I wanted to. I shoved it all in a nice neat box
marked
Dad
and buried it in my heart. I did love my dad; I
just wished he wasn’t so hard at times. Deep down I felt like he
was just trying to do what was right for me.

I parked my car and climbed out. The fresh
air would do me good. I locked my car and slung my purse over my
shoulder.

I started walking down the winding sidewalk
that was nestled underneath some awesome woods. The trees were huge
here, and there were forest animals all over the place. It’s really
more of a reserve than a park. The only thing domesticated here is
the path that they paved last year for the sake of bikers and moms
with strollers. There is an outhouse somewhere too. Though I
wouldn’t call that domesticated. I started walking briskly, making
my mind push away all negative thoughts. This was going to be a
good day. After all the praying I did, God must have forgiven me
right? I started quoting scriptures under my breath just in case. I
saw a couple women jogging with ear buds shoved in their ears. One
guy was running with his golden retriever. I waved at him, and he
smiled.

I started jogging to loosen up my muscles. I
tried to keep in shape. I jogged three times a week if that counted
for something. I let the feel of the wind soothe my frayed nerves,
and the coolness of the shade filled me with peace. After a good 20
minutes, I slowed down to a walk and circled back toward my
car.