Gracie Faltrain Takes Control (17 page)

I guess that's why people like Alyce see the world differently. They have to make some stuff up. They spend a lot of time imagining what the view might be like. But you know, sometimes, when all you have of the sky before the sun drops is a quick glimpse of fire between the trees, it looks all that much brighter because of the black shapes in front of it.

I remember the day that Annabelle teased Jonathon Smith about his hair and Jane stood up for him. ‘He should get a haircut,' I said. ‘Or you're gonna have to spend your whole life as his bodyguard.'

‘What right has she got to make him feel like crap, Faltrain? That kid can wear his hair any way he wants,' Jane had said. And she was right. She was smarter in Year 4 than I am in Year 11.

I've never really seen the big picture before. Never panned the camera up and seen how the world looks from long shot. Jane and Alyce and Susan, dumped before their big dates. Me and Annabelle and Veronica, tearing down anyone who isn't on our side.

‘Are you still there, Faltrain? You've gone quiet.'

I take the deepest breath. Something tells me that after this question I might not come up for air for a long time.

‘Is that me, Jane? Am I like Annabelle Orion?'

‘You're not as close as I thought, if you're finally asking that question.'

I can't believe people on the other side of the world could see it and I'm just waking up now.

‘Jane, what those people think, it doesn't mean anything.' For the first time all year, I actually believe that.

‘I know. But thanks for saying it, Faltrain. You don't know how much I needed to hear it.'

‘What would really fix you up is one of our all-night DVD sessions.'

‘Get that player running, then.'

‘I wish we could.'

‘No, I mean it. I hadn't said anything yet because I was so angry at you. But Dad's flying back to Australia for a month. He said I could come with him.'

‘You're coming home?'

‘Don't get too excited. It's only for a month.'

I'm not proud. I'll take any bit of home I can get.

Jane listens now as I fill her in on everything that has happened. ‘You are in way more trouble than me,' she says after I've finished.

‘I thought I was helping.'

‘I know. Deep down Martin and Alyce know that, too.'

‘Do you think he'll come back?'

‘I wouldn't give up hope yet. Martin Knight hasn't stopped looking at you since he saw you play soccer in Year 7. You just never noticed till last year. Wherever he is, you're with him, Faltrain. So are his dad and kid sister. I should know; you can move away, run away, it doesn't matter. Life sticks to you.'

‘What if I never see him again?' I can cut back everything there is of me: the lies; treating Alyce like she's not good
enough; hurting Jane. But I can't cut away what I did to Martin. I'll never come back if he doesn't. ‘His dad and his sister will lose everything, Jane. Because of me.'

‘Faltrain, this is bad, I won't lie and tell you anything different. You pushed him towards leaving. But he made the final decision. He didn't just all of a sudden think, “I can't cope with everything”. He was coping a little less every day.'

‘It's still my fault.' I'm quiet for a bit, but Jane hangs on, waiting for me to find the words to describe what's dragging me under the ocean like stones in my pockets. ‘I can get to tomorrow,' I say. ‘And the next day without him. But how do I get to next year and the year after that?'

‘There's only one way to keep going, Faltrain. Fix what you can. And then find a way to live with the rest.'

‘Jane,' I say before I hang up. ‘I'm really, really sorry.' I may as well start fixing what I can, right now.

I've never felt more like cheering for her than I do today. ‘Go Gracie,' I shout.
Helen Faltrain

I'm on the freaking bench, Mum. Where is it exactly that you want me to go?
Gracie Faltrain

Living with your mistakes isn't easy. Martin still isn't in goal today. Alyce's seat is still vacant. It makes the whole place feel empty.

I sit this game out on the bench like I have for the past three Saturdays. I don't want to be a part of the way they're playing anymore. If Martin comes back I want him to see that I've changed.

I hate the bench. It's hard and uncomfortable but it hurts my pride more than anything. Woodbury and his mates have a bye. They turn up to watch the game and make me feel like crap. ‘This makes the third game that you've played from the bench, Faltrain. Too much for you, is it?' they say on the way past.

I want to tell them to get lost. I want to say that even if we lose this game we're still into the final, so shove that. I don't say anything, though. That sort of talk got us into this mess in the first place – even I can see that. And I'm looking to get out, not get in deeper.

Martin wanted me to walk away from the way I'd been playing and I wouldn't listen to him. I haven't listened to him all year. The only person I have been hearing is Gracie Faltrain. I can't take back the lies I've told. I can't take back looking for his mum. But I can do this for him. I figure after all I've done, it isn't too much to ask.

‘If you're ever lost, Marty,' Mum always said when I was a kid and we were out together, ‘go back to where we started. Go back and wait for me there.'
Martin Knight

For weeks I've sat in class wishing I was next to Alyce. Maybe I could be, but I don't have enough guts to ask. Every time she catches me staring she straightens her glasses and looks the other way.

I do more Alyce-watching than I've ever done in my life. All this time I've known her, I've only seen parts of the package. Her reading. Her weird taste in clothes. How bad she is at sport. But those things make her who she is. They make her funny. And smart. And strange. All the things I like about her.

She always opens the door for people. Everyone else barges through and Alyce waits until whoever is walking with her is safely on the other side. She's not letting herself get pushed around. She wants to do it.

She can walk from one side of the quadrangle to the other with her face in a book, and not bump into a thing.

She shares her lunch with Freddy Jabusi when he forgets his. They're eating together in the yard when I walk past this Friday. I want more than anything to stop and talk to her. To
tell her how worried I am about Martin. She straightens her glasses. And I keep right on walking.

After school I walk to the same place I always do. To see Mr Knight.

‘There's no news, Gracie,' he always says. I never stay long. Sometimes I go into Martin's room, act like I'm looking for clues to where he's gone. Really I just want to sit on his bed. Or do something stupid like smell his soccer shirt. I figure he must be coming back if he hasn't taken it. Martin wouldn't leave that behind.

It doesn't seem right that there isn't more being said about him. There were five minutes on the news the day after he left, and a couple of follow-up segments, but nothing else. I guess kids run away every day. At school we had the police come to ask us if we'd seen anything. Constable Blythe smiled at me. I kept my eyes down.

‘Everyone knew him. Everyone liked him,' some kid said in that quick news segment. It's true. But it doesn't tell you enough. It doesn't describe how his hair always stuck up at the back or that when he said ‘Faltrain' he opened his hands like he was trying to catch a wide ball in goal.

When I turn up at Martin's house tonight, Mr Knight pulls out a chair for me to sit down on. ‘There's news?' I ask.

The last thing Mr Knight told me was that the police had found Martin's mum, Alison. Mr Knight said her name like a language he knew once, but hadn't spoken in years. ‘She hasn't seen him, Gracie,' he said. And disappointment coated his face. Tonight he has a look of hope, though.

‘There was a sighting of a boy fitting Martin's description buying a ticket to Dromana.'

‘Where's that?'

‘It's a little town near the beach. It's the last place we went on holidays together before Alison left. Did Martin ever tell you about it?'

I wish I could say yes, for both our sakes. ‘Sorry, Mr Knight.'

‘I remember us being happy there, those two weeks. It was like everything that was bothering Alison stayed in the city. When we drove away, the only thing in the car was the four of us.

‘Martin and his mum spent most of the time in the rock pools. I took the kids to the surf beach a few times, dunked them in and pulled them out. Marty said it felt like a washing machine. His mum said, “How would you know what it feels like inside there?” Every day was fine. Every day was warm. Alison said the sky was the colour of bird eggs; I've never forgotten that. The rain didn't start until the last day, when we were leaving.

‘I'm going to find him, Gracie.' After he says that, I notice two old suitcases sitting near the table. ‘I should have gone to find him a long time ago.'

‘Martin told me that you were trying. He was happy about that, Mr Knight. I'm the one who didn't think it was good enough.' If it were me, I'd want my dad to know that I hadn't doubted him.

‘He's a good kid. But I only met him halfway after the Championships.' A car horn sounds from out the front. He looks at his watch. ‘Karen!' he calls. ‘That's our taxi. We have a train to catch. This time,' he says, brushing my shoulder with his hand, ‘I'm going the whole way. Karen and me and Martin, we're coming back together.'

Karen walks into the kitchen and picks up her suitcase. It looks too heavy in her hand. Mr Knight reaches out and carries it for her.

If Dad's right and cyclones start over warm oceans, then the last place the Knights were happy together is where Martin's storm started. A part of it, anyway. Some of the bad weather came from me; I know that now.

If Mr Knight has a chance to undo all of the damage that's been done, it makes sense to go back to where the rain and wind began. He can't stop the cyclone now that it has started. But he can look at the patterns. Maybe he can stop it from happening again.

I am a
dog
.
Alyce Fuller

If Mr Knight has the guts to go to Dromana, I can pick up the phone.

‘Hi, Mrs Fuller. Is Alyce there?'

‘Gracie, love, she just left. She's gone to the dance.'

‘With Flemming? I mean Andrew?'

‘No, dear. She went on her own. Her dad drove her. She looked so beautiful.'

‘I bet she did, Mrs Fuller.'

I don't waste time getting changed.

Alyce is stepping out of the car when Mum and I drive up. She's wearing this dress that cuts in at the waist and flares out, dark blue with silver around the edges. It's the colour of nighttime, full of stuff too far away to see: acres of stars, and black holes and burning galaxies. She looks amazing, a hundred times better than when she was wearing that dress I picked out for her in the shop. A million times better than anyone else here.

Flemming thinks so, too. He might be holding Susan's hand, but it's Alyce he can't stop staring at. He's got the same
look in his eye that he has on the soccer field when he knows he's kicked wrong and lost his chance for goal.

I edge my way towards her. Try to look casual. ‘Hi, Alyce. Great dress,' I say.

‘Nice jeans,' she answers. Her voice doesn't belong to the Alyce I know, or maybe it does. One thing I've worked out: I haven't been listening very hard to the world. I've been listening to my commentary on it, and it hasn't quite matched the game.

‘Alyce, I wanted to say sorry, about everything.'

‘Sorry that Martin's gone and it's your fault? Sorry that for the past year you've been trying to make me into Jane, so you don't feel embarrassed hanging out with me? Or sorry that you've been caught and we don't want anything to do with you anymore?'

‘I don't care that you're a nerd, Alyce.' That sounded much better in my head. ‘What I meant to say was that you don't need to change to be my friend.' Again, not exactly how I imagined that sounding.

‘You are unbelievable, Gracie Faltrain. You think you're so much better than anyone else.'

‘I don't. Not anymore.' This isn't going how I planned. I blame the flashing disco lights. I blame the boogie.

‘I guess to someone like you, I must look pretty ordinary,' she says.

I take a minute to let her words sink in. They should. A person who treats their friends like I have should feel it in their blood.

‘I make you feel bad?'

‘Most of the time. It's pretty hard living up to how you want the world to be.'

‘I'm the one who's going to change.'

‘I don't want you to change, Gracie. I want you to stop trying to change everyone else.'

‘I will.' I know that tonight is just the start, though. Those two words are like a kid's song. They don't mean a whole lot without some actions to go along with them.

Her eyes drift across to Flemming. ‘Look, he's holding Susan's hand.' Alyce's heart was clean and shiny before Flemming and now there's about 200,000 kilometres on the speedo. It needs some oil and water. Let's face it, after what I did, she probably needs a new starter motor.

‘I'm sorry, Alyce. You wouldn't feel so bad now if it wasn't for me.'

‘I just wish I hadn't hoped so hard that he'd like me. When he asked me to the dance, he said, “I reckon you're the smartest person I know, Fuller”. Then he kissed me. I could smell grass and popcorn. I thought I could smell the sky on a windy day. I had all these kites in my chest, moving around, trying to get out. I bet that sounds stupid to you,' she says. ‘I bet you think I'm stupid because no one's ever wanted to kiss me before.'

‘No, Alyce. I don't think that.'

‘And then he took it all back. He came up to me in the classroom and I thought he was going to kiss me again. And then he said I was boring. That all I did was read. And I told him that it was okay.'

‘Alyce, he did like you, he just didn't have the guts to admit it.'

‘But then it doesn't mean anything, does it? If he didn't like me enough not to care what everyone else thinks of me. Why do they all treat me like that?' she asks.

If she'd asked me that question a month ago, even two
weeks ago, I would have said, ‘They treat you like that, Alyce, because you let them.' But that's not the real reason at all.

‘You're different, Alyce. And they don't know what to do with you. You're better than them.'

‘Love sucks, doesn't it?' she asks after a while.

‘You've been hanging out with me way too long. Do you want to dance?'

Alyce has a great way of moving. She throws her arms out like she's spraying confetti. I never even knew she could dance. My style involves more kicking and punching. Faster than Alyce. Different, but not better. She spins out and lets the skirt of her dress twirl wide. I can feel it for a second, brushing against my jeans.

Corelli comes over to us and starts to dance next to Alyce. ‘Hey, Corelli,' Singh calls out. ‘You move like a washing machine.'

Corelli goes red. ‘Shut up, loser.'

Alyce saves him, though. She starts moving her arms around in a spin cycle. The four of us laugh and spin and kick and punch in turns.

Flemming has dropped Susan's hand. He's moving back and forth, like he's almost decided to walk over to Alyce, but then can't quite get up the guts to do it. You idiot, I think, you're missing all of this. But I'm not too hard on him. Let's face it; he's not alone in the stuffing up department.

‘Dog,' Newman shouts to Alyce on his way past.

She stops dancing and for a second I think the night is ruined. Forget him, Alyce, I'm about to say, when Corelli calls out over the music, ‘You are a
dog
.' He says it like it's the best thing in the world to be, and then spins around like the big idiot he is. But Alyce loves it. She's happy. This would all be perfect, if Martin was okay.

‘I have to go, Alyce,' I say. I can feel the song and the lights echoing round my chest.

‘I'll come with you,' she answers. Mum was right. Alyce's friendship is worth fighting for. I'm glad that I did.

Flemming is standing with Annabelle as we leave. ‘I have to go to the bathroom. Meet you out the front,' Alyce says as we walk past them.

‘Hey,' he calls to me. ‘Still no word about Knight?'

‘His dad thinks he might have gone to Dromana. They went there on holidays when he was a kid.'

‘I'd run away too, if Gracie Faltrain was my girlfriend,' Annabelle says.

‘Shut up,' Flemming yells at her, and takes a step towards me. ‘He'll be okay, Faltrain.'

But I deserved what Annabelle said. If everything was the other way around, and she'd done what I had, I'd say something like that too. I'd say worse. I swallow any pride that I have left. ‘Did he ever tell you about the holiday?' I ask her.

Maybe she sees how sad I am. Maybe for the first time in my life I'm not threatening to punch her. She looks at me and shakes her head. She seems, sort of, real.

‘I saw Susan in the toilets,' Alyce says while we're waiting outside the hall for Dad to pick us up.

‘Did she say anything to you?'

‘No. She seemed sad. So I told her that her dress looked pretty.'

You know how people tell you that one tiny bit of sweet, dark chocolate is better than a truck full of the cheap stuff? Well, Alyce is Lindt. That's why Flemming had to ask her to the dance. That's why he'll feel sick later. Because he's had about a block and a half of Susan tonight, when he could have had the tiniest piece of the real thing.

 

Dad waits for Alyce to walk inside and then starts the car again.

‘Did Mr Knight call while I was out?'

‘Sorry, baby. Give him a bit of time – he'll have barely arrived.' He taps his fingers against the steering wheel. ‘Gracie, I wanted to tell you how proud I am.'

‘Of me?'

‘It's not easy living with your mistakes. I should know. And it's not easy to lose the things you love.'

‘Mum doesn't think I'm doing so great.'

‘Don't be so sure. After she dropped you off tonight she was crying.'

‘How come?'

‘My guess is that she missed you. And now she knows you're on the way back.'