It had only been a couple of weeks since Gracie had had to give up working at the Thamesview on doctor’s orders, but already she was starting to feel bored and excluded from her old life. She hadn’t anticipated how much she would miss her job, until about the third day of being at home, when she realised she had no one to talk to.
Feeling so worn down by the pregnancy she had thought she wanted more relaxation time but instead she had ended up feeling like a lonely spare part in her own home. Jeanette was at work during the day and often out in the evenings, and Sean was working a lot of extra hours at the Palace to make up the shortfall in their income so instead of enjoying having more time to herself, Gracie found herself sitting around feeling bloated, tired and depressed. She understood why Sean wasn’t as attentive as he had been when she was slim, full of vitality and ready to party at the drop of a hat.
‘So go on, tell me about life as a lady of leisure …’ Ruby asked.
‘Ooh, you sound like Jeanette, she said that to me,’ Gracie said. ‘It’s okay, I do get a bit bored but, believe it or not, it’s helped having Jeannie there. She’s not around too much but when she is, she makes me laugh. If you thought I was mad, you should see her when she gets going. She doesn’t stop. She’s so different from Jennifer. It’s hard to believe they’re twins.’
‘Did she get another job?’ Ruby asked.
‘No, she’s still at the Ecko. She hates the job but loves the social club so she decided to brave it out with Mick. I almost admire her cheek. I think she’s got someone else in tow already; she rushes about a lot and is a bit secretive.’ Gracie laughed as she reached for the teapot and poured a cup of tea for each of them.
‘I’m pleased it’s working out with Jeanette there but I still find it hard to believe. She’s a bit of a handful, that one, isn’t she? She looks and acts a bit dim but deep down, I reckon she’s sharp as a tack.’
‘Oh, I’m not under any illusions about her but she has helped me out. Jen pops in occasionally and makes the right noises, but she’s got her wedding on her mind so she always seems distracted. But at least she and Jeannie seem to have made up, which is nice. That double wedding arrangement that my mother came up with was doomed from the start …’
‘Blood’s usually thicker than water, though not in my case, of course,’ Ruby rolled her eyes and pretended to shiver as she thought about her own dysfunctional family. ‘So, tell me how you got on with the midwife yesterday. Not all that long to go now; just a few more weeks and you’ll have your baby. I’m so jealous, I want one as well!’
‘Oh Rubes, I hope you don’t mind but I don’t want to talk about the midwife or babies. I’m fed up with baby talk already and it isn’t even here yet. I want to talk about ordinary things! Tell me all the gossip; tell me what’s going on with you and Johnnie!’
As long as they’d known each other Gracie had never kept secrets from Ruby but she didn’t want to get into a position where she had to fib about the state of her still-new marriage, so she tried to steer the conversation away before it got there.
‘Okay, no babies just this once, but next time you tell me. I’m looking forward to being Godmother proper!’
‘Okay, next time, but back to you and Johnnie now …’ Gracie laughed and relaxed. She was never as happy as when she and Ruby were together. They knew each other so well and conversation was never the hard work it had become with Sean of late.
‘It’s all going along nicely, touch wood,’ Ruby reached down and tapped the table leg three times. ‘Johnnie’s back at the hotel right now looking after things for me. I was scared he’d find it boring or that he’d hate having me in charge but he does whatever I ask. He’s even doing some of your work so I haven’t had to take anyone on. He’s a fine old jack of all trades; he can do bed-making and book-keeping, almost at the same time.’
‘No more dodgy dealings?’ Gracie smiled.
‘No more dodgy dealings,’ Ruby said as she pulled a face. ‘I hope he stays away from that stuff, but then, it’s in his blood. He loves a bit of ducking and diving so we’ll see. I don’t mind a bit of it so long as he stays legal. There’s a line he knows he can’t cross anymore and he’s promised that the really dodgy stuff is all in the past.’
‘Any nearer to wedding bells and babies for you? I was hoping our babies would be able to be playmates …’
Ruby’s face dropped. ‘I don’t know when it can happen. It’s still all such a nightmare. The poor bloke has got everyone on at him over Sadie and the kids. Even his sister Betty isn’t being as understanding as I would have expected. He’s definitely the villain of the piece, with me not far behind.’ Ruby looked sad and shrugged. ‘Now she’s not here she’s suddenly Saint Sadie. They’re acting like he murdered her or something. It’s all wrong’.
‘But surely they all know she was unstable and she was the one who ran off with the crazy Greek waiter, who had trouble written all over him?’ Gracie said sharply, feeling defensive of her friend.
‘I know, but when someone dies like that they always look for someone to blame. They don’t want to accept that I had nothing to do with his marriage going to the wall. We hadn’t seen other for five sodding years, I mean you know what happened… . .’
‘I know exactly what happened and so does Johnnie’s sis, but everyone loves a scandal and that’s what Sadie was so good at. Alive or dead… .’ Gracie shook her head. ‘It’s so tragic but not unexpected. Sadie always was as mad as a hatter and one step away from doing something crazy for attention. But it’ll die down eventually, I’m sure. Anyway, how’s Maggie? I haven’t seen her since the wedding …’
‘I saw her at Christmas and for her birthday as always. Uncle George has been a bit poorly since he had that fall from his wheelchair so they haven’t been anywhere. I must go up to see them. Do you want to come as well? Have a day out?’
‘I’d love to – but is it a good idea with me so far gone?’
‘Oh, you’ve still got several weeks to go, it should be fine,’ Ruby said reassuringly.
‘Hmm. Can I think about it? I just feel so bloody awful all the time, I’d hate to spoil your day. But I hope they come and see the baby when it’s finally here … which can’t be soon enough, the way I’m feeling. And Sean is really fed up with me. Tells me I’m imagining it all …’
‘Sean’s being an idiot and I’ll tell him when I see him!’
Gracie smiled at her friend. Despite being married to Sean and expecting his baby she still thought of Ruby as the biggest constant in her life. They were friends and confidantes and each could rely on the other absolutely but Gracie still couldn’t bring herself to be completely honest about how things were between her and Sean. She simply hoped all would be well after the baby was born.
The two friends sat together and talked for well over an hour before Ruby had to get back to the hotel, leaving Gracie to reluctantly head off in the other direction to get the shopping, before catching the bus back home. She loved their flat and had made it as homely as she could on their limited budget but since Jeanette had moved in it had seemed less like their own home.
As she walked along the pavement and could see the front gate getting closer she felt herself involuntarily going slower and slower. She was unhappy and detached, as if she was far away. Her head was floating as if it was filled with cotton wool and her legs burned despite the chill in the air. When she eventually got there she stopped and leant on the front wall to catch her breath, not wanting to actually go back into the flat she was starting to dislike. But then her baby kicked hard and she felt ungrateful. She reminded herself that she had everything she had wished for: a husband, a home of her own and soon she would have her longed-for baby. She shook her head to clear it and as she put her key in the door, she rubbed her belly. ‘Here we are, baby, this is where you’re going to live – you, me and your dadda,’ she said, dreamily talking to her baby as if it was actually there already. ‘Now, Mamma’s going to go upstairs and have a warm cup of milk and a rest before Dadda and Aunty Jeannie get home from work. Milk is good for both of us the midwife said …’
Jeanette was going to be at work all day and she had no idea when Sean would be home, so Gracie hoped she’d have enough time for a nap to try and assuage the feelings of misery that were plaguing her. She felt so guilty about being a bad wife she wanted to make sure she was wide awake for Sean that evening.
Then, as she trudged up the stairs, she heard whispering coming from the front room and she was instantly furious again. Jeanette had been told that no boyfriends were allowed into their home. Gracie flung the door open, ready to confront her, only to be surprised to see Sean there with Jennifer, her other sister.
They were sitting opposite each other, he on the sofa, she on the chair, but there was something about the way they were laughing together, something intimate, that made her think they were laughing at her. She wondered if they’d heard her talking to the baby.
‘What’s going on? I thought you were at work today, Sean. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be in …’ she said, keeping her tone as even as she could.
‘What do you mean, what’s going on? My shift changed, I’m working twelve hours tomorrow instead …’ Sean frowned and shook his head, looking angry that Gracie was questioning him.
‘Jen! I didn’t know you were coming to visit …’ Gracie continued, looking from one to the other curiously. Something wasn’t right but she couldn’t figure out what it was. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I just called round on the off-chance. The office is closed today because they’re doing some painting. You don’t mind, do you? I thought Jeannie would be here …’ Gracie’s sister looked around as if she was expecting Jeanette to appear as well. ‘I’ll go if you want me to; I don’t want to be getting in anybody’s way …’ Jennifer’s tone was apologetic as she looked at her sister.
‘No, no, it’s alright. I was shocked to see you, that’s all. As I said, I didn’t expect anyone to be here, not Sean, not Jeanette and certainly not you,’ Gracie said, trying to soften her voice.
‘Coming back early for a lie-down again, were you?’ Sean asked with just enough of a hint of disapproval in his voice to make her feel awkward, especially as he was right. ‘Good job you’re not a farmer’s wife or a mother of six, like my mam was. She didn’t have to take to her bed every five minutes, I’m sure …’
‘Oh stop it,’ Gracie replied defensively. ‘I walked back from town and my feet are killing me so I came home to change my shoes before I go to the shops. I got the vegetables at the market on the way home but we need some groceries, and I’ve just got my last pay-packet from Ruby. She gave me a nice bonus.’
The silence in the room was deafening, until eventually Jennifer stood up. She smiled as she straightened her skirt with her hands and then picked up her coat from the chair. ‘I’d better go. Tell Jeannie I was here …’
After she’d gone Sean jumped up from his seat and rounded on his wife with a ferocity she’d never have thought him capable of. ‘What was all that about? Why did you talk to me like that in front of your sister? Honest to God, I don’t have to answer to you and you’ve no right to make me look small that way …’
His expression was angry and his stance almost aggressive as he stood in front of his wife and railed at her.
‘I was just surprised, that’s all, and don’t shout at me.’ She felt the tears well up. ‘I’m sorry, this is all just too much for me. I feel so ill … I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!’
It was at that moment that Gracie hated the person she had become and she understood why Sean was fed up with her. He worked long and hard every day at his job and then came home to a miserable fat wife who moaned constantly about feeling poorly and tired.
She sniffed away her tears, walked over and slipped her arm around his waist.
‘I am sorry, Sean. I’m unreasonable and I know it. I’ll try and do better, I promise. You were up early this morning to go to work; you go and have a sleep and I’ll bring you a cuppa later. Go on, you deserve it.’
He looked up at her and for the first time in months smiled as if he meant it.
‘I think I’ll do that. You could come and join me, you know. Just because you’re expecting a baby shouldn’t mean we can’t … you know … it’s allowed. I checked with Mam. Come on …’
He winked and Gracie smiled back at him, but her heart sank. It was the last thing she wanted, but she knew she had no choice if she was to keep Sean in a good mood.
‘We can’t do this anymore, it’s wrong and Gracie’s not stupid. She’ll guess if she finds us together. She’s only gone to the shops. You have to leave, please …’
Sean Donnelly tried to pull away from the young woman next to him on the sofa, who had her hip pressed tightly against his and an arm curved possessively around his neck. Her skirt had rucked up and she was showing both stocking tops and suspenders as she pulled him closer in towards her; when he tried to move away she kissed his face and nuzzled his neck while running her other hand seductively up and down his inner thigh.
‘But I love you, and you love me, I know you do. Let her find out, then you can leave her. Leave Gracie and we can be together. We could go to Ireland, we could go anywhere, we don’t have to stay here in crummy Southend. And just think, if we were together we could do this all the time without you having to be scared about
her
catching us.’
Her voice was low and sexual and her words directed straight into his ear as she let her hand hover lightly over the fly buttons on his trousers.
‘I don’t love you, I don’t. I love my wife, I’ve told you so, over and over.’
Sean Donnelly said the words he knew he was supposed to say but he could feel his heart beating faster in a mixture of desire and panic as he tried half-heartedly to push her hand away.
‘I’m a married man with a baby due soon and this should never have happened, never, never. You have to leave and don’t come back. Please? Don’t keep doing this to me, I can’t stand it.’
He was in turmoil trying to think of a way to get Jennifer McCabe, his sister-in-law, out of the flat before Gracie got home and discovered them together, but she was showing no sign of going anywhere.