The house itself was still uninhabitable and there was nowhere other than the orange boxes to sit so Gracie had led him through the house to the walled garden at the back that had already been given an archway through to the Thamesview garden next door. She signalled for him to sit on the bench that was centred amid the rubble, confident in the knowledge Johnnie Riordan was working in the house, out of earshot of their conversation but still there if she needed him.
‘The Blakeley bandwagon is well and truly rolling now,’ Sean said, looking at the extensive repairs on the house. ‘You hitched yourself to the right one, didn’t you now?’ he added, and Gracie instantly recognised the old envy in his voice. ‘And Johnnie boy working here as well?
Very
cosy. It’s a pity I never made the mark or we’d all be doing just fine. I could have been the chef but no, not good enough for the Blakeleys and Wheatons.’
‘You threw
me
out, Sean; when I was expecting, you slept with my sister. You made your choice, it had nothing to do with anyone else.’ Gracie tried to keep her tone calm as she answered. Because they were sitting side by side and she didn’t have to look at him she found it easier.
‘You lied to me twice. You lied about my baby …’
‘Look, I’m sorry, Sean. I keep saying it and I mean it. It was cruel of me and I shouldn’t have done it but I just wanted to hurt you as you had hurt me. I shouldn’t have done it.’
‘That’s no excuse …’ he said, his anger starting to rise. ‘No excuse at all.’
‘I know …’
‘But if you know, then why is this happening, Gracie? Why haven’t I seen my daughter?’ he looked genuinely bewildered and she wondered if he was faking it or if he really couldn’t comprehend how much he had hurt her in believing her sister over her, by trying to claim that Gracie, his wife, was having an affair and was pregnant by someone else. All she could do was shrug and shake her head.
‘I said I’m sorry …’
‘A lie is a lie, however you look at it.’ He continued to berate her, as if he hadn’t heard her. ‘I have a daughter and I didn’t know. I thought my baby had died, how wicked could you be?’
‘Your baby did die, Sean,’ Gracie said sadly. ‘Phillip died but Fay survived. Just. You were nowhere to be found, you denied you were the father – don’t you understand that, Sean? While I was giving birth and then having an operation which robbed me of my chance to have any more children, you weren’t anywhere to be found. Don’t you understand?’ Gracie was crying but it was with tears of frustration rather than sadness. ‘You weren’t there …’
Sean remained unmoved. ‘It’s not the same thing at all and that’s twice you’ve lied. You’re a liar, Gracie. A LIAR!’ he spat the words at her. ‘Now where’s my daughter?’
Gracie was trying to be logical, to see it from Sean’s point of view and to apologise for what she’d done. She knew she had been in the wrong but she wasn’t prepared to take all the blame nor was she willing to trust him.
‘It’s not as simple as that. I need you to explain. You sat here bold as brass and said Jennifer was out of the picture, you wanted us to try again and then …’
‘And then you threw me out without even telling me I had a baby who was alive,’ he said with venom. ‘What was I supposed to do? Sit on the step outside Ruby Blakeley’s hotel and cry for all to see?’
‘So you
are
with Jennifer. Does your mother know?’
‘That’s neither here nor there. I just want to know about the baby.’
‘You said the baby wasn’t yours. Either you believe my sister or you don’t, you’re with her or you’re not.’
‘Oh, stop going on and on, Gracie,’ he said before she could finish. ‘You’ve turned into such a moaning minnie! Jennifer is none of your business now. I tried to make amends with you, to do the right thing but you told me to go. And I went and then I found out you’d lied once again. There’s something wrong with you. I swear, you’re a compulsive liar.’
He stood his ground and stared her down until she looked away, then he continued.
‘But even then I thought maybe you and I had a chance to sort this mess out, but knowing how you’ve deceived me again …’ he broke off and looked away.
Gracie found herself caught up in the middle of it all again. She wanted to hurt Sean so much but she also wanted to do what was best for her daughter, who had not had the greatest start in life and had an uncertain future ahead of her.
Gracie loved her baby with a passion that had engulfed her the first moment she set eyes on her, a passion compounded by the loss of Fay’s twin brother Phillip. She hadn’t seen her when she was born or even straight after the surgery, and when she had seen her she hadn’t been able to hold her; her introduction was simply looking at her through the wall of the incubator.
The baby was small and silent but as she watched and waited Gracie was sure she knew her mother was there and that she always would be, whatever happened.
She prayed silently and willed her to live because she couldn’t imagine any other scenario, but then as time went on, and the worrying should have lessened it had increased, because she knew she would never have another baby.
It was that worry that had threatened to tip her over the edge but the calm reassurance of George and Babs Wheaton had pulled her back from the brink.
‘Does she know you’re here?’ Gracie suddenly asked. ‘I bet she doesn’t, else she’d be hanging around as well. Perhaps she is. Oh look, I’m not going to go over this anymore, Sean. Two questions, do you want to see Fay? And are you with Jennifer?’
‘Jennifer is nothing to do with you …’
‘Then you won’t ever see Fay. As long as that cow is around you’re not having anything to do with Fay. I don’t trust her, she’s mad.’
She stood up and straightened her clothes as if to walk away but Sean didn’t react as she expected. Instead, he was leaning back and smiling.
‘Gracie darling, there’s nothing you can do about that. Is it my name that you put on the birth certificate?’
Gracie knew then and there that he had won. That Jennifer had won. She didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.
‘Johnnie …’ she shouted. ‘I’m going to get Fay! I’ll come back through the garden.’
He walked through into the room. ‘Okay, I’ll stay here.’
As Gracie left, so Johnnie went and sat on the bench beside Sean. She could hear him talking to Sean as she left the house.
‘Just a few words, Sean. You and me got along okay and I don’t want to take sides but I love Gracie like a sister and Fay like a niece. If you make one wrong move towards either of them, if you hurt them or do them down in any way, then I’ll break your legs and arms very slowly and then I’ll bury you alive. Do we understand each other?’
‘Are you threatening me, Johnnie? I thought we were friends …’ Sean asked with fake bravado.
‘Of course I’m not threatening you. I’m just giving you some friendly advice.’ Johnnie patted him on the arm as if he was a good friend. It was a gesture that could be interpreted either way depending on which side of Johnnie Riordan was to the fore.
Johnnie was still smiling when Gracie put her head through the arch in the adjoining wall.
‘Sean? I don’t want Fay to be around all the dust, you’ll have to come through into the hotel garden.’
‘Remember what I said, Sean. One wrong move …’ Johnnie said as he stood up. He started to swing an imaginary bat. ‘Just remember.’
As Gracie watched Sean walk through the archway from the garden next door to the hotel her heart was thumping and she felt strangely detached. So much was resting on the meeting between him and his daughter, but she still wasn’t exactly sure what it was that she wanted.
All she knew for certain was that she wanted Sean to acknowledge that Fay was his daughter, regardless of anything else, and to accept her.
She stood bolt upright in the middle of the garden, grasping the handle of the carrycot with both hands, and waited for Sean to walk across the lawn and go up to her.
Gracie felt nervous and scared; she wasn’t scared of Sean himself but of how he was going to react to the tiny scrap of a person she was so protective of.
The hotel garden was mostly lawn with a path down the middle, leading to the tool-shed tucked away at the bottom. It was well established with shrubs in the borders and a vegetable plot in front of the shed and there were three new wooden benches carefully placed at different angles which were for the guests. There was also the new archway which had been cut into the dividing wall between the hotel and the house next door and fitted with a wooden gate.
‘She’s asleep at the moment but she’ll wake shortly, if you want to wait. She’s due for a bottle,’ Gracie said as Sean folded the hood down and looked into the carrycot. With the confidence of someone who had been brought up around babies, he reached out and moved the crocheted blanket to one side so he could see the face of the sleeping infant.
Gracie watched his face, trying to assess his reactions. She still wasn’t completely convinced that he believed one hundred per cent that Fay was his, that Phillip was his, but his expression as he looked at the sleeping infant told her nothing. He looked like any other man gazing into the pram of any other baby. He stared for what seemed like an age.
‘She looks like you,’ Gracie said. ‘Can you see that? Look at her hair and colouring …’
He stared down at Fay. ‘She’s very small. She looks like a newborn …’
‘She’s small because she was born very early. She’s doing well though, especially as they said it was touch and go at the beginning, but no one knows yet how she’ll be affected in the long term …’ The words tumbled out as she tried to get all the information across to him before he said the wrong thing. She said a silent prayer as she waited for his reaction.
Please God, don’t let him say the wrong thing; please don’t let him deny her
…
‘I thought you said she was okay? What do you mean by
affected in the long term
? I don’t understand what you mean.’
Sean stared at her. For the first time he seemed to hear what Gracie was actually saying instead of focusing on berating her.
‘It’s cos she was born so early and tiny, and she spent her last few weeks in the womb alongside her dead twin.’ Gracie said sharply. ‘Didn’t Jennifer share that bit of news with you?’
Sean looked shocked. ‘That sounds horrible … how did that happen?’
‘No one knows why Phillip died when he did, he was born first and no one realised there were two babies and then Fay had to be resuscitated. She’s lucky to be alive after all that and we’re lucky to have her but she may be handicapped. She probably will be handicapped, but they can’t say how much.’
Gracie’s tone was factual because she could never talk about it any other way; it upset her too much to think about her daughter having problems.
When the doctor had spoken to her in the hospital she had been shocked and angry but at the same time she had been grateful for his calm assessment and honesty in telling her the truth.
As you know Mrs Donnelly, Gracie, it was a very difficult birth and the lay of the babies meant a twin pregnancy wasn’t suspected. Your baby suffered from a lack of oxygen when she was trapped in the birth canal behind the stillborn baby and as you know, she had to be resuscitated. She will suffer consequences; it’s just a question of assessing her level of handicap. I’m sorry but there’s no way that we can know about long-term damage until she’s older. You should hope for the best.
‘Handicapped?’ Sean stared at her.
‘Yes, that’s what I said. Fay may not develop properly. I was going to talk to you about it last night but you were so badly in drink you wouldn’t talk to me.’
Sean backed away and leaned against the wall that divided the two gardens.
‘I hadn’t thought about anything like that. Are you saying she won’t be normal?’
‘I suppose that is exactly what I’m saying.’ Gracie knew she was laying it on the line so he knew exactly what the future could hold for Fay, but all the while she was hoping Sean wouldn’t walk away.
‘But she’s still our daughter,’ Gracie continued, ‘She’s going to need lots of help from us, and probably a special school. Who knows what the future holds for her …’
‘A retarded child? Is that what you’re saying?’
As the full impact of her words hit him, she saw him recoil from the carrycot, away from his daughter. She knew he didn’t intend to do it, that it was a reaction, but all the same he looked horrified as he took several steps backwards.
‘Have you lost interest now, Sean?’ Gracie calmly asked him. ‘Because if you have, then now’s the time to walk away and stay away. It’s not her fault that it happened and it’s not her fault that her brother died.’
‘That wasn’t what I meant. It’s a shock. I don’t know, I mean, if she’s going to be handicapped, why did they do everything? Wouldn’t it have been kinder to let her go and be with her brother?’
Gracie could feel a disappointed anger building inside and she had to force herself not to go for him.
‘Look at her, Sean.
Look
at her! Are you saying she’d be better off dead?’
‘No, but …’ he looked genuinely bewildered.
‘Well, I tell you what, you let me know when you’ve decided – because Fay doesn’t need someone who’ll step away just at the possibility of her being, as you put it,
retarded
.’
Sean looked into the carrycot again, and then, shaking his head in despair, he turned and walked away.
‘I can’t be doing with this …’
‘Have you accepted that she is your baby?’
He carried on walking away.
‘She’s your daughter, you ignorant bastard,
your
daughter …’
Sean Donnelly didn’t turn around.
‘Johnnie,’ Gracie shouted at the top of her voice. ‘See Sean out, will you? And don’t let him back. Ever.’
‘What happened out there?’ Johnnie Riordan asked him as they walked back through the old house to the front door.
‘She told me the baby’s not normal.’
‘Did she? And what did you say?’ Johnnie asked.
‘The wrong thing as usual and then Gracie just switched off. I was shocked, that’s all. I mean, what if someone told you one of yours might be affected, what does that mean? I don’t understand …’ Sean said obliviously.