‘I know, instead of writing, let’s go to Ireland!’ Gracie blurted out, her voice gradually getting higher and faster. ‘Let’s go to Ireland and surprise them. I want to meet your family; we could take a small holiday. I’ve never been to Ireland, I’ve never been anywhere apart from London and Melton with Ruby. I know Ruby won’t mind if I’m away from the hotel for a few days …’
Sean frowned slightly as he looked hard at her. ‘A grand idea, I’m sure, but do I get the feeling you’re not wanting me to meet your family? In fact, I’m now really thinking you’re ashamed of me, Gracie. Do you think I’m not good enough for them? Not good enough for you yourself?’
‘That’s so daft and you know it,’ Gracie replied. ‘It’s just as I said, I don’t have much to do with them any more so telling them isn’t that important.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But you’re right and of course we’ll go and tell them … Soon. After we tell yours.’
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence from Sean where Gracie was unsure what to say, he stood up and walked over to the French windows that opened out onto the balcony.
‘Is it too cold to go out there, do you think?’ Sean asked, with his hand on the ornate wrought-iron handle.
‘Too bloody cold for me, that’s for sure,’ Gracie laughed, ‘but you’re welcome to go and freeze your ears off if you must.’
Sean shrugged his jacket on and stood the collar up round his ears before opening the full-length window and going outside. He quickly pulled it closed behind him, leaving Gracie rubbing her hands together in front of the fire and feeling as if her euphoria had been snatched away. She’d been so caught up in the dreamy planning, she’d stupidly not given a thought to Sean wanting to involve their respective families. With all his relatives being in Ireland and hers all but estranged they had never been part of their relationship and she had subconsciously excluded them all, but now she found herself wondering about Sean’s family and worrying about her own.
In Gracie’s mind, Ruby Blakeley was her family, the Thamesview Hotel was her home and she hadn’t thought much further than that.
As her new fiancé stood on the balcony, looking out into the darkness with his back to her, Gracie looked at his shadowy outline through the glass. He was standing perfectly still with his shoulders hunched up to his ears and his hands in his pockets.
At first glance Sean Donnelly looked very average and he didn’t stand out at all from the crowd. He was about five foot eight in his socks, with coarse black hair that already had a few premature stray white hairs, pale Celtic skin that glowed in the sun and the beginnings of a paunch – but he also had green eyes that twinkled when he laughed, an easy-going personality and he worked hard. His Irish accent had lessened over the years he’d been in England but it was still there in the background and Gracie loved listening to him when he was in full flow, telling embellished stories of happenings in the Palace Hotel where he worked. She had seen him grumpy, tired and occasionally fed-up but she’d never seen him lose his temper or get roaring drunk and he’d never been nasty to her, even when they occasionally bickered.
As she studied him, lost in her thoughts, he turned round and smiled at her. Gracie smiled back. Sean was a nice young man, perfect husband material in her eyes, and she was going to be his wife and the mother of his children. She wasn’t going to let anything spoil that for her.
Especially not her oft-regretted past and her unforgiving mother.
Grabbing her coat and scarf Gracie followed Sean outside into the cold winter air.
‘It’s not that bad for January, is it? I’m guessing the over-hang of the roof protects the balcony from the worst of it,’ he said as she stepped alongside him. ‘There’s a bit of a nip in the air but we can keep each other warm.’
Sean put his arm around her shoulder and together they leaned on the balcony railing and peered out into the silent winter darkness that engulfed the estuary. As they looked ahead Gracie adjusted her eyes. The water was dark and the night clear, with a sprinkling of stars in the sky and a few random lights on the water from the fishing boats out in the deep water. It was so beautiful she wanted to cry.
‘Leonora used to be out here every spare moment you know, rain or shine, watching for passing boats and ships. I once saw her sweep several inches of snow off her chair so she could sit with her binoculars. She was such a secret romantic and she loved it out here; she just wanted to be on one of the big passenger liners heading off to the great unknown.’
Gracie opened her eyes wide as she felt the tears welling up; not just at the thought of Leonora Blakeley’s lost dreams, but at everything. Her heightened emotions on this special day were making her reminisce too much. She raised a hand to her eye and surreptitiously wiped a big fat tear away, hoping that Sean wouldn’t notice.
‘Well, it’s a grand place to be, that’s for sure,’ he said. ‘Right on the seafront like this. Ruby’s a lucky girl to own this hotel at such a young age; it must be worth a fortune. She was so fortunate to inherit it too, especially with her and Leonora not even being related.’
‘Oh, she knows she’s lucky but she’s worked really hard as well. That was why Leonora left it to her, she knew she’d take care of it; and I’m better off too because of her …’ Gracie opened her eyes wide again. ‘I mean, I’m living here and I’ve got a blinking good job as well! Rube’s been good to me, same as Leonora was in her own way. I’m so lucky!’
‘Ah maybe, but it’s a two-way street. Ruby would have been up the creek with no paddle without you beside her after that Leonora woman passed on. Don’t you go thinking you owe her any more than she owes you. If anything, you should be entitled to more than you have from her.’
‘I don’t think about it like that,’ Gracie said firmly, wanting to shut down the conversation. ‘I’m just so pleased I met Ruby and that we’re friends. More than friends in fact; we’re probably closer than sisters.’
She knew Sean was making a clumsy attempt to be supportive but she didn’t like hearing him use that almost jealous tone when he spoke about Ruby Blakeley, her friend. In the beginning she’d dismissed it as natural envy of Ruby’s lucky circumstance but sometimes his comments went just that bit too far for her to be comfortable.
‘How did that happen by the way?’ Sean asked, oblivious to the tightening of Gracie’s shoulders under his hand. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever known how the two of you met. Ruby was from London, wasn’t she? Apart from during the war?’
It was now or never; but Gracie hesitated. She would either have to tell him the whole sorry tale or stay silent forever. If she was going to marry Sean, she would have to tell him that she and Ruby had met as unmarried mothers on the maternity ward. Be honest, she told herself, tell the truth and shame the devil.
‘At the Kursaal. We met at the Kursaal just after the war when Ruby came to live down here. We were both young and daft, and we clicked. We became friends, almost immediately.’
The decision was made. Without even thinking about it consciously the words were out, the lie was told and Gracie knew there could be no going back. She sighed with relief that she had made her choice, even if it been an instant reaction rather than a well-thought out and measured decision. Now though, she knew she couldn’t ever tell Sean her shameful secret.
The flat where Gracie lived was on the top floor of the Thamesview Hotel, a long established ‘ladies only’ hotel on the outskirts of Southend, on the Essex coast. Leonora Wheaton had set it up before the war as a quiet and select establishment where widows and single women could go for a holiday at the seaside on their own without risk to their reputation. It was genteel and quaint and although there had been some recent upgrading, the essence of it had stayed. A few of the guests had been visiting for years. Sometimes they were accompanied by sisters, daughters, even maids, but no men were allowed to stay under any circumstances. They were allowed into the lobby or the small guest lounge by invitation but the foot of a male visitor could never be placed on the stairs that led up to the accommodation.
Leonora Wheaton had enforced that rule rigidly and Ruby was following suit because it was a formula that worked for the business.
The terraced property was just three storeys high, with a basement that was used for staff accommodation, a tiny annexe flat at the rear and a comfortable self-contained flat on the top floor, where Gracie and Ruby lived. The guest accommodation was basic but it was always clean and tidy and the service was as impeccable as it had always been when Leonora had been the owner.
The decoration in the flat was not in the style that either of the young women who lived there would have chosen, but Ruby wasn’t yet ready to fully modernise it. Not only did she feel it would be disrespectful to Leonora but she had also had to concentrate her time and money on the renovations of the hotel itself, which had become outdated and tired during the war years.
Despite her young age Ruby Blakeley had been bequeathed it nearly two years before in 1952, and Gracie, who had previously helped out there in between her own shifts at the Palace Hotel, now worked alongside her as manageress and general dogsbody, doing the job that Ruby herself used to do. But because it was a small hotel with few staff they both did anything and everything that needed doing around the hotel; they worked hard and had long hours but they both loved what they did and worked together well.
The Thamesview Hotel was not only Gracie’s workplace, it was also her home and she loved it there.
‘Where shall we live when we’re married?’ Sean suddenly asked, still looking ahead into the dark distance of the Thames Estuary
‘Dunno. We’ll have to start looking for somewhere but it’ll have to be somewhere near to both hotels. There are some nice small flats around the back here …’ Gracie felt a slight feeling of anxiety rise within her. She really couldn’t imagine leaving the hotel and Ruby; it was another thing she hadn’t given enough thought to when she had excitedly accepted Sean’s proposal.
‘Mind, you won’t be working here for long after we’re wed. You’re to be my wife and then, please God, the babies will come along. We’re going to need to look in Southend itself, near the Palace, near to where I work. My job has to come first, especially now I’m to get another promotion.’
Sean paused and smiled reassuringly before leaning over and kissing his new fiancée lightly on the lips.
‘It’ll be grand having our own lives, you’ll see. Maybe Ruby will see you right for everything you’ve done for her. As I said, a big bonus payment for services over and above. You’re entitled, you know, and we’ll need all the money we can get.’
Gracie smiled back, but said nothing. She knew Sean simply didn’t realise what a wrench it was going to be for her to move out.
That night as Gracie lay in her bed wide awake and deep in thought, she tried to envisage her new life with Sean in their own home, hopefully with a baby. It was all she had dreamed about, ever since the day she had had to give up her firstborn baby son forever. Gracie was excited at the prospect of making a home and a family with Sean, but she also felt nervous at the thought of such a complete change in her life. The euphoria of the day had been tinged with regret and while she wanted everything Sean was offering her, she also didn’t want to give up what she had.
Gracie went to sleep that night on the horns of a dilemma that she hoped would quickly resolve itself.
Feeling apprehensive, she stood on the edge of the pavement on the other side of the road and watched for a few moments, bracing herself to take the next step. As always, her stomach churned nervously; she wanted to turn and walk away as she had done on the previous occasion.
But this time Gracie knew she had to follow through so she stood perfectly still and gathered her emotions. As she breathed deeply she studied the man directly opposite her who was kneeling on a rolled-up newspaper, methodically tending the flower bed that edged a neat bungalow.
He was noticeably older and rounder, and his hair was thinner than when she’d last seen him, but there was no disputing who he was. Just looking at him nurturing his plants with his pipe sticking out of the corner of his mouth, she could tell he was still a gentle soul. She felt immense guilt at the fact that she rarely saw him or any of her family any more, but she found it just too hard to be confronted with things from the past that she wanted to bury.
She crossed the road and stopped at the edge of the tiny front garden.
‘Hello Dad,’ Gracie said quietly. ‘How are you?’
Fred McCabe looked up from his gardening and smiled up at his daughter, his obvious pleasure at the sight of her increasing her guilt at having left it so long.
‘Gracie! Hello my dear,’ he said with joy in his voice as he stood up. ‘It’s so nice to see you. I thought you’d forgotten about your old dad, it’s been so long …’
Gracie looked sheepish. ‘I know, I’m sorry, but …’ she paused. ‘Well, you know what it’s like, it’s just easier to stay away and let things lie. I’m a bit of a coward under fire.’
‘I know what you mean dear, but it probably makes things worse,’ he said kindly. ‘Maybe if we didn’t only see you once in a blue moon your mother would have come round a bit more.’
‘I tried that …’ Gracie started.
‘I know but I don’t think you appreciate how hard it was for your mother. But no one knows about it here so perhaps there’s hope.’
‘But no one knew about it where we were before, she just thought they did,’ Gracie felt compelled to reply.
‘I know,’ Fred McCabe said with a gentle smile. ‘But your mother has always worried about the neighbours, and
her
mother before her; it’s the way of her side of the family. My way is live and let live. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that.’
‘You could have come to see me; you know where I live, you all know where I live. It was hard at the Palace, I grant you, but the Thamesview is different,’ Gracie paused, suddenly aware that she was being defensive again. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t go on, I know! But it’s nice to see you now and I’ve got something to tell you, some good news …’