Granny Dan (10 page)

“I'm not sure I can be patient,” he said unhappily. “I miss you unbelievably. When can you come back to visit again?” The days without her had been intolerable for him, far more than he had feared they would be.

“Perhaps this summer, if they let me have a break this year. Madame Markova is talking about making me stay here to work by myself when the others go on vacation, to make up for the time I missed when I was with you.”

“Can she do that? That's not fair.” He looked outraged. He wanted her with him.

“She can do anything she wants. Nothing is fair here. We'll see. I'll talk to her about it when the time is closer. Right now, we must be patient and wait.” He wanted more time to talk to Marie anyway, to try and reason with her, and at least get her to leave for England, or agree to some kind of separation.

“I'll come back and see you in a few weeks, ‘by order of the Czar.’ “ He smiled at her. “Will you get the letters if I write to you?”

“Perhaps if you put them in an Imperial envelope,” she said with a mischievous look, which made him smile.

“I'll have Alexei address them for me.” And then, without saying more, he leaned over and kissed her. “Don't worry, my love. We'll work it all out. They cannot keep us apart forever. We just need some time to find the best solutions. But not too much time. I can't bear being without you for too long.” He was about to kiss her again, and as he leaned toward her, they saw the door open to the garden, and Madame Markova was glaring at them.

“Do you intend to spend the entire day with your
doctor
, Danina? Or working? Perhaps you should be in a hospital, if you're still so ill, and the Czar is still so worried about you. I'm sure we can find a good state hospital for you, if you prefer it to dancing here.” Danina was already on her feet and standing beside Nikolai in her leotard and her toe shoes, and he spoke before she could.

“I'm very sorry, Madame, if I have taken too much of Miss Petroskova's time. It was not my intention. I was simply concerned.”

“Good day then, Dr. Obrajensky.” All her gratitude to him for saving Danina five months before had long since been dispelled, particularly now that she knew he was the enemy that she was facing for Danina. She no longer had any doubt about it.

He kissed Danina on the cheek before he left, and she reminded him to give everyone her love, and with a last squeeze of his hand, she went back to class as he left the garden. He looked bereft when he left the building where she ate and slept, and worked and slaved, for eighteen hours a day. He only wished he could take her with him instead of having to leave her there.

And in class once more, she was desperately trying to concentrate and not think of him, as Madame Markova watched her. She was relentless in her vigilance, her criticism, her brutally unkind words. And when Danina finally took a break two hours later, Madame Markova looked at her with undisguised disdain, and met her eyes with disapproval and something very close to rage.

“So, did he tell you that he cannot leave his wife? That she will not agree to a divorce? You're a fool, Danina Petroskova, it is an old, old story. And he will keep making you promises and breaking them, until he breaks your heart and costs you your life as a dancer, and he will never leave her.” She sounded as though she spoke from experience, or something very bitter which had touched her a long time ago. She had neither forgiven nor forgotten, nor would she now. “Is that what he told you?” The older woman pressed her, but Danina would never admit to her that it was. She knew that Nikolai would never hurt her, no matter what Madame Markova thought of him, or what demons haunted her from the past.

“He had a message for me from the Czar and Czarina,” Danina said calmly.

“And what is that?” Danina did not tell her that they wanted her back for a visit that summer. That would have been the final blow between her and Madame Markova. And she knew she couldn't tell her yet.

“Only that they miss me and are worried about my health.”

“How kind of them, what important friends you have now. But they will not help you when you can no longer dance, they will not want you then, and your doctor will forget you long before that.” She said it with a bitterness Danina had never seen in her before.

“Not necessarily, Madame,” Danina said with quiet dignity, turned on her heel, and went to her next class. There was only so much she would take from her now, and it did not matter to her that Marie would not agree to divorce him or leave for England. They could still have a life together. She was still willing to be with him, married or not.

From then on, every day in May was an agony, made worse by Madame Markova's constant criticism and accusations. Danina was accused of being out of step, out of time, her arabesques were a disgrace, her arms now moved like wood, her legs were stiff, her leaps pathetic. Madame Markova was doing everything she could to push Danina to the breaking point, and break her spirit. She wanted to make her fight for her dancing, and to give up everything but that.

But in spite of it, Danina held on, and Nikolai came to see her again in June. And this time he brought a personal letter from the Czarina. They wanted her to come to Livadia in August, for the entire month if possible, but Danina did not see how she could do it. Nothing had changed with Nikolai in the past month. If anything, Marie was more adamant about staying where she was, and she was making things very difficult about the children, which seemed to surprise him even more.

“I think people do that. They have to make things more painful. Like Madame Markova with me now. It is their own special kind of revenge because in your spirit you have escaped them. And if the Czarina truly wants me to come, she will have to order Madame Markova to send me. She will not dare refuse an Imperial command, otherwise I will not be allowed to accept their invitation, and can't go.”

“They can't do that to you,” he complained. “You're not a slave here.”

“I might as well be,” she said, looking exhausted. But when he left this time, he promised that he would have the Czar himself command her to come, if that was what was required.

And this time, when he went back, he made a clean breast of it to the Czar. He told him everything, and begged for his assistance in getting Danina to Livadia. The Czar was moved by what he said, and promised to do what he could, though from what he knew of the ballet, he knew how rigorous it was and how demanding they were of their top dancers.

“They may not even listen to me,” he said with a smile. “They think they answer only to God, and I'm not even sure they follow His orders.” The Czar smiled at Nikolai.

But the letter that came to Madame Markova in July was difficult for even her to ignore. The Czar explained that the health of the Czarevitch depended on it, as he had become inordinately attached to Danina, and was inconsolable in her absence. He begged Madame Markova to allow Danina to join them.

And when Danina was called into her office this time, Madame Markova's eyes were blazing and her mouth was set in a hard thin line, and she said only that she would be accompanying Danina to Livadia for a month. They were to leave on the first of August, and Madame Markova looked anything but pleased about it. But that was not what Danina wanted to hear, and she was willing to fight for what she got now. She had worked hard for them for three months, almost to the point of persecution. And now they owed her time away with Nikolai. It was all she wanted of her, and Danina would settle for nothing less.

“No, Madame,” she said, taking the older woman completely by surprise. But she sounded like a grown woman now, and no longer an obedient child.

“You will not go?” Madame Mark ova looked stunned. The battle was won then, and a slow smile began to dawn in her eyes for the first time since Danina had returned to them. Danina had been a traitor in her eyes since April. “You do not wish to see him?” It was music to her ears, the war had been won more easily than she had dared to hope.

“No. I wish to go alone. You have no reason to come with me. I do not need a chaperone, Madame, although I appreciate your offer to join me. I am quite comfortable with the Imperial family now, and I believe they wish me to come alone.” In fact, there had been no mention of Madame Markova in the invitation, and they both knew it.

“I will not let you go without me,” Madame Markova said with blazing eyes.

“Then I will explain to the Czar that I am not able to follow his orders.” Danina faced her off with a look of determination Madame Markova had never previously seen in her, and she was more displeased than ever, as the smile faded from her face, and she stood up with a look of ice.

“Very well then. You may go for one month. But I will not promise you that you will still be a prima when we open with
Giselle
in September. Think about it carefully, Danina, before you take that risk.”

“I have nothing to think about, Madame. If that is your decision, I will abide by it.” But they both also knew that she was dancing better than ever. She had regained all her old strength and skill, and even added some new and far more difficult techniques to it. She had blended maturity with discipline and talent, and the results of her work and growth could not be ignored.

“We begin rehearsals on September first, as you know. Be here on the last day of August,” was all Madame Markova said to her and then she stormed out of the office, leaving Danina alone.

Two weeks later, Danina was on the train, un-chaperoned, on her way to Livadia, contemplating the friend she had lost in her mentor. She knew for certain now that Madame Markova would never forgive her for her betrayal of the ballet. She had never spoken a single word to Danina before she left, and purposely avoided her when Danina went to say good-bye to her. The friendship between them was over, and only because she was in love with Nikolai. But Danina would do nothing to lose him, or an opportunity to be with him. Nothing was more important to her than that. Not even the ballet.

Chapter 6

T
he time that Danina and Nikolai spent together in Livadia was idyllic. They were given a small, discreet guest cottage where he lived with her, openly this time, and they were treated as husband and wife by both the Czar and Czarina. They seemed to understand.

The weather was beautiful, the children were thrilled to see her again, and true to his word, Alexei even “taught” her to swim, and Nikolai helped “a little.”

The only thing he regretted now was that she had not met his sons. But that was not possible for now. Marie had still not agreed to the divorce, but at least she had gone to visit her father in Hampshire for the summer, and taken the boys with her. Nikolai was hoping that being there would remind her of how much she loved it, and wanted to live there, but thus far he was not too optimistic about a change of heart. She seemed to have every intention of staying married to him, if only to torment him.

“It doesn't matter, my love. We are happy like this, aren't we?” Danina reminded him when they spoke of it. They were so happy sharing their little cottage. She had breakfast alone with him every day, on their terrace, and the rest of their meals they took with the family. They were with them all the time, and then shared long, passionate nights alone.

“I want to give you more than a borrowed cottage by the grace of the Czar,” Nikolai said mournfully one day, hating Marie more than ever for not giving him his freedom.

“We will have more one day, and I can continue dancing for as long as I have to.” More than Nikolai, she was resigned to her fate. But he worried about her.

“That woman is going to kill you if you stay at the ballet much longer,” he complained. He was no fonder of Madame Markova than she was of him. And ever since Danina had returned to the ballet four months before, she looked thinner than ever, and she had been exhausted when she arrived from St. Petersburg. It was inhuman how hard she worked.

This time, she was careful to exercise extensively every day so she didn't lose any of her muscle tone while she was in Livadia, and Alexei loved to watch her dance and practice for hours. The Czarina had someone set up a barre for her, and after she exercised, she went on long walks with Nikolai. She was in perfect shape when the month came to an end, but after another idyllic month together, she couldn't bear the thought of leaving him again.

“We can't go on like this forever,” she said sadly, “only seeing each other for a few minutes once a month when you visit. I don't mind having to dance, but I can't bear being away from you.” And there would be no more vacations in sight for her now, until Christmas. The Imperial family had already invited her to spend it with them at Tsarskoe Selo, with Nikolai. She could even have her old cottage, to share with him. But that was nearly four months away, and Danina couldn't bear the thought of all she'd have to go through now to get there. It would be four months of hell at Madame Markova's hands, while she was punished for loving a man more than the ballet. It was an insane way to live.

“I want you to stop dancing at Christmas,” Nikolai finally said on their last night together. “We'll find a way to work it out somehow. Perhaps you can teach ballet to the Grand Duchesses, or some of the ladies in waiting. And perhaps I can find you a small cottage near the palace, so you can be near me.” It was their only hope, if Marie would not agree to divorce him.

“We'll see,” she said patiently. “You must not jeopardize your entire life for me. If Marie makes too much of it, she could make trouble for you with the Czar, or cause a terrible scandal. You don't need that.”

“I'll talk to her about it again when she comes back from England, and then I'll come to see you.”

But as soon as Danina left for St. Petersburg, Alexei fell ill, and Nikolai was needed daily, hourly, for the next six weeks. It was mid-October when he finally was able to see her. By then, Madame Markova kept her as the prima, much to Danina's relief, and she had danced in
Giselle
, as promised.

But Nikolai had nothing but bad news when he came this time. Alexei was still ill, though slightly better now, just enough for his doctor to leave for a few hours, and two of the Grand Duchesses had come down with influenza, which had also kept him very busy. Danina thought he looked very tired, and sad, although he was obviously happy to see her.

Marie had returned from England two weeks before, and was more adamant than ever that she wouldn't free him. She had begun to hear rumors about Danina, and was threatening to create a huge stir, which could cost him his position, or even any remote association with the Czar and Czarina. In fact, Marie was blackmailing him and holding him hostage, and when he had asked her why, she said he owed it to her to treat her respectably and not embarrass her or their sons, although she admitted that she had never loved him. But she was going to hang on to him at all costs now. She said she found it embarrassing to be left for another woman, particularly a ballerina. She said it as though Danina were a prostitute, and it had enraged him. They had argued endlessly, but he got nowhere with her. And he was very depressed about it, which Danina could easily see.

He came again in November, and Madame Mark ova almost didn't let him see her, but he was so insistent that she finally ran out of excuses. But she only allowed Danina half an hour with him, due to rehearsals. Their only comfort then was knowing that they would be together for three weeks over Christmas and New Year's. For now, it was all they lived for.

He came to all her performances after that, or as many as he was able to attend. And her father came to one as well, as he did each year, but unfortunately they were never at the same performance, so she couldn't introduce Nikolai to her father.

But tragedy struck her family the week before Christmas. Her youngest and favorite brother was killed in Molodechno on the Eastern Front during a battle, and she was in deep mourning for him during her last performance, and still in a somber mood when Nikolai came to take her back to her little guest cottage at Tsarskoe Selo, and he was deeply solicitous of her loss. Knowing her brother was gone now pained her deeply, and even Alexei thought she looked very sad, and much quieter than usual, as he reported to his parents, after he visited Danina just after she arrived.

But Christmas with them was magical, and her spirits rose as she spent time with Nikolai, talking quietly, exchanging books as they had before. He stayed with her openly, as he had at Livadia that summer. They talked about how much they loved each other, and the good times they had shared, but there was little they could say now about their future. Marie had remained entrenched in her unreasonable and immobile position. But he had nonetheless begun to look at small houses for Danina, and was determined to save up enough money to buy one so she could give up dancing, and come to live with him. But they both knew that it would take time, perhaps even a great deal of it, before either of them could afford it. She had promised herself, and him, that she would dance through the spring now, and perhaps until the end of the year.

But as soon as she returned to the ballet this time, she began feeling ill. She ate even less than before, and when he saw her at the end of January, he was seriously dismayed by the way she looked, and how pale she was.

“You're working too hard,” he complained, as usual, but more stridently this time. “Danina, they're going to kill you, if you don't stop.”

“You can't die of dancing.” She smiled, hating to admit to him how ill she felt. She didn't want to worry him, with Marie being so difficult, and the Czarevitch sick again. Nikolai had enough problems to concern him, without adding her health to the rest. But she was growing dizzier by the day, and had nearly fainted twice in class, though she said nothing to anyone, and no one seemed to notice how miserable she felt. By February, she felt so ill that she was actually unable to get out of bed one morning.

She forced herself to dance that afternoon anyway, but when Madame Markova saw her, Danina was sitting on a bench with her eyes closed, and she was looking gray.

“Are you ill again?” Madame Markova asked in an accusing tone, still unwilling and unable to forgive her for her continuing affair with the Czar's young doctor. She made no attempt to hide the fact that she thought it a disgrace, and had distanced herself from Danina.

“No, I'm fine,” Danina said weakly. But Madame Markova followed her with worried eyes all through the next days, and this time when Danina nearly fainted in a rehearsal late one night, Madame Markova saw it instantly and came to her aid.

“Shall I call a doctor for you?” She asked more gently this time. In truth, Danina was giving them all she ever had and more, but it was no longer enough to satisfy the debt Madame Markova felt she owed them. She had been merciless with her, but seeing how ill Danina was, even she relented. “Do you want me to send for Dr. Obrajensky?” she asked, much to Danina's dismay.

Danina would have liked nothing better than to have an excuse to see him, but she didn't want to frighten him, and she felt sure that she was very ill. It was more than a year since she had had influenza. But in the ten months since she had returned to the ballet she had pushed herself so relentlessly that she began to think she had destroyed her health, just as Nikolai had warned. Her head swam constantly, she could no longer eat anything without becoming violently ill, and she was exhausted. She could barely put one foot in front of the other, yet she was dancing sixteen and eighteen hours a day, and every night when she went to bed, she felt as though she would die in her bed. Perhaps Nikolai had been right after all, she thought one night as she lay in bed, wanting to vomit and not having the strength to get up again to do it. Perhaps the ballet was going to kill her after all.

Five days later, she was unable to get out of bed, and she felt so ghastly, she didn't care what Madame Markova did to her, or who she called. All Danina wanted to do was lie there and die. She was only sorry she wouldn't see Nikolai again, and wondered who would tell him when she was gone.

She was lying with her eyes closed, drifting out of consciousness, as the room spun slowly around each time she opened her eyes, when she dreamed that she saw him, standing beside her bed. She knew he couldn't be there, and wondered if she was delirious again, as she had been with the influenza. She even heard him speaking to her, and calling her name, and then she saw him turn and say something to Madame Markova, asking her why he hadn't been called sooner.

“She did not want me to call you,” she heard a vision of Madame Markova say, and then she opened her eyes again to see him. Even if the vision wasn't real, she thought, it looked just like Nikolai. She felt his hand on hers then, as he took her pulse, and he bent very near her and asked her if she could hear him. All she could do was nod, she felt too ill to speak anymore.

“We must get her to a hospital,” the vision said very clearly. But she had no fever this time.

He did not yet know what was wrong with her, except that she had been so ill, and hadn't been able to hold anything down, not water or food, in so many days that she actually appeared to be dying. As he looked at her, his eyes filled with tears.

“You have literally worked her to death, Madame,” he said in barely controlled fury, “and you will answer to me if she dies, and to the Czar,” he added for good measure. And as Danina listened to him speak, she realized that he was real, and this time she wasn't dreaming. It really was Nikolai.

“Nikolai?” she said weakly, as he took her hand in his again, and whispered as he bent close to her.

“Don't talk, my love, try to rest. I'm here now.” He was standing next to her and they were talking about hospitals and an ambulance, and she was trying to tell him that she didn't need one. It all seemed like too much trouble. She just wanted to lie in her bed and die, with Nikolai there near her, holding her hand.

He sent everyone away, and examined her quietly, remembering the graceful body with longing. He hadn't been with her for two months now, and nothing had changed. He was as much in love with her as ever, but for the moment the ballet still owned her, as Marie did him. He was beginning to wonder, as was Danina, if they'd ever be together, or if it would always be this way.

“What has been happening to you? Can you tell me, Danina?”

“I don't know … sick all the time …” she mumbled, drifting off to sleep as she talked to him, and then waking again, feeling desperately ill and retching. But her stomach was long since empty. She was beyond bile now. All she had were the dry heaves, as she had had for days. It was easier not to eat or drink at all, so she wouldn't be vomiting every moment. And she was still dancing sixteen hours a day, forcing herself to go on, until she could do no more.

“Danina, talk to me,” he insisted, waking her again. He was beginning to worry that she was going to slip into a coma, from starvation, dehydration, and sheer exhaustion. They were working her to death, literally, and her body seemed to be giving up from the constant pressure, and lack of anything to sustain it. “What are you feeling? How long have you been this way?” He was growing frantic, and they were still waiting to hear if he wanted to take her to the hospital or needed an ambulance. He still wasn't sure, but he was growing more frightened by the way she looked.

“How long have you felt this way?” he asked again. She hadn't been this bad when he last saw her, although she hadn't looked well, and she had admitted to him even then that she hadn't been feeling well lately.

“A month … two months …” she said, sounding groggy.

“Have you been vomiting for that long?” He looked horrified. How long had it been since she'd had proper nourishment? And how long could she survive it? He thanked God that Madame Markova had finally called him. In the end, she was afraid not to, given Danina's indirect connection to the Czar. Besides, despite her rage at her for the past year, in truth, Madame Markova loved her, and even she was terrified by what she saw. “Danina … talk to me…. When did this start? Exactly. Try and remember.” Nikolai pressed her, as Danina opened her eyes, and tried to remember how long she had been ill. It seemed like forever to her.