Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) (8 page)

   Four other people marched out of the room. "Why don't you all introduce yourselves and tell these nice men what it is you do around here," said Rachel.

    The first guy looked about thirty, wore thick glasses, had short blonde hair with a huge cowlick, and a very ruddy complexion with several streaks of acne. "I'm
CarlUnderall
,
" he said, looking to the left of me instead of making eye
contact."
Cameraman
."

   Next to him was a small, thin, red-headed, freckle-faced guy in his mid-twenties. He wore a Ghoulish Delights t-shirt like Rachel's, except that this one had a fake hand protruding from the stomach holding...well, a stomach. "I'm
FarleySoukup
,
" he said in a squeaky voice that immediately forced me to hate
him."
Special
effects."

   The next guy was also in his mid-twenties. He had a dark complexion and was dressed entirely in black. His straight black hair hung over his shoulders, and he even wore black nail polish and a black dangling spider earring—a Goth boy through and through. It wouldn't have surprised me if he'd been wearing a set of vampire teeth. If I'd been holding a glass, the temptation to fling the contents at him and scream "Holy water!" would have been unbearable. "Dominick Griffin," he
said."
Sound
, story and occasional on-camera predator."

   "And I'm Linda Hanson," said the girl next to him, who was obviously his girlfriend, judging from the arm coiled around his waist. She was also dressed entirely in black, but she added bleach-blonde hair and blood-red lipstick to the color palette. She was a little overweight, but her tight-fitting clothing indicated that she was comfortable with her body. She flashed me a cheerful smile. "Set decoration, lighting, and props. Welcome to our happy home."

   "Thanks," I said. "So this is a movie studio, huh? Would I have seen any of your films?"

   Rachel gave the others a wave to indicate that they could go back to their business, and then sat down on one of the chairs. "So, Michael gave you a card but didn't say anything about what we do here?"

   "Actually, it was at a party a while back. I'd had a lot to drink and I don't really remember the conversation, but the name, Ghoulish Delights, sounded pretty intriguing. I've kept meaning to call, but this is the first day off I've had in a while. Some people call me a workaholic."

   "Well, hopefully you'll think we're as cool as our name. You say you're a horror movie fan?"

   "Sure," I said. "I love all that
stuff.The
movies, the books, the games, everything. Guess I'm just
asicko
at heart."

   "I can handle them if the characters aren't too stupid," Roger said.

   "Let me ask you this," said Rachel. "Have you ever wanted to star in your very own horror flick?"

   "Some days I feel like I already am," I told her.

   Rachel leaned forward. "What we do here at Ghoulish Delights is create a short, custom-made horror film for you and your family and friends to star in, which we can tape in your very own home or anywhere else you want. We have a large selection of script templates, which are completely customizable to suit whatever
strikesyour
fancy. If you'd like your family of four to star in their very own mad-
slasher
-in-the-house flick, we can give you the script, the stage directions, and all the blood and gore you could ever want. You're both too old to belong to a fraternity...no offense...but last week we pretended to kill off sixteen guys in their very own frat house. It's fun!"

   "Do you get a lot of business for this sort of thing?" I asked.

   Rachel shrugged. "We're doing all right. Our office is located here in Chamber, but very few of our customers come from this area. We head out all
overFlorida
,
toMiami
,Tampa ...and some occasional tourist business
inOrlando
, for people who want something a little darker than Disney World."

   "So you just come to somebody's house and shoot it like a regular movie?"

   "Pretty
much.You
could think of it as a slightly more offbeat version of family portraits. How it works is you would describe the locale you want and the number of actors you have, and then we'd show you our sample scripts. After you found one you liked, we'd revise it to make it a perfect match for your group, and then assign the roles. Don't worry, everyone gets a good part. We'd come over, and our director would work with your people while our guys set everything up, then we'd film until we got it right. It usually takes most of the day, and everyone has a great time. And when we're done you have a ten to fifteen minute video that's yours to keep."

   "And there aren't any limits? You get to do whatever you want?"

   "Oh, no, obviously we have both safety precautions and technology restraints. We're not going to film your three year-old daughter hanging out of a second floor window, and the only explosives we can get the insurance for are tiny squibs to simulate a gunshot wound."

   "Squibs?" asked Roger.

   "It's a balloon that's filled with stage blood and hooked up to a small explosive charge. When you set it off, blood sprays and it looks like you were shot. Some effects artists use a condom instead of a balloon, but since we often have kids around we try not to do anything that adds to their sexual confusion."

   "That's very thoughtful," I said.

   "And we do strictly below-the-neck squibs. So we do have a few restrictions that are simply for safety reasons, because a horror movie stops being fun when people really get hurt. And, like I said, there are things we simply can't do. We have people saying `Why can't you show me transforming into a werewolf?' and it's because we don't have the resources. We do have a large supply of monster masks and costumes, and can do minor monster makeup, but you're not going to get state-of-the-art special effects—it's not feasible for what we're trying to do here. We can't show your son's head rolling down the stairs, because that involves making a cast, but we can certainly use camera tricks and makeup to simulate a decapitation.
AndKaro
syrup is cheap, so you can have all the blood you want. So, have I frightened you off yet?"

   Actually, I thought it was a pretty neat idea. But then, I guess I've always been kind of strange. There'd been many times over the past few years when I'd been able to easily envision Kyle or Theresa turning into mass murderers, and it would probably be fun to see this captured on video. Yet somehow I just couldn't see Helen finding the idea to her liking. And it was probably expensive as hell.

   Anyway, I wasn't here as a customer, I was here to gather information. "Okay, time to fess up," I said. "I didn't get your card from a party. I'm really a journalist. Have you heard of
themagazineDearly
Demented? "

   Rachel shook her head. This
wasgood
, because I'd made up the magazine and would have hated to be quizzed on the contents had it turned out to be a real one.

   "That's not surprising, since our premiere issue is still four months away. Our target audience is comprised of those people who are interested in the darker side of life, but in a fun way, of course. And I think a feature article on Ghoulish Delights would fit exactly with what my editor is looking for."

   "
Really
?Who's
your editor?"

   I gestured to
Roger."
Him
.
He doesn't quite trust me out on my own yet."

   It would have been more believable to say Roger was my photographer, but that kind of lie generally works better when one is in possession of a camera.

   "We've actually had a few stories done on us," Rachel remarked. "Mostly just local newspapers, though channel eight sent a camera crew out last Halloween and did a short feature. It was sort of slanted toward calling us a bunch of sick lunatics, but we got a couple of gigs out of it."

   "Well, I can assure you
thatifDearly
Demented called you a bunch of sick
freaks,
it would be a wholehearted compliment."

   Rachel smiled. "We'd be honored to have you do a story on our little outfit. Would you like a tour now, or would you like to set another appointment?"

   "What would work best for me is if I could just talk to
eachperson
,
find out exactly what it is they do for Ghoulish Delights. For example, what exactly do you do?"

   "At the moment I'm doing my job and Michael's...that's Michael Ashcraft, our director...so I'd be absolutely overwhelmed if business weren't slow right now. Basically, I'm the producer, so I'm responsible for overseeing, well, everything. I do most of the interaction with
thecustomer
,
from the interesting and informative sales pitch you just heard to making sure they're happy with the condition of their home afterward. And I'm responsible for all the financial aspects of the business, making sure we run things as cheaply as possible so we don't price ourselves out of reach."

   "What does something like this cost?" Roger asked.

   "The price varies substantially based on what options the customer requests, sort of like a new car."

   
"How much for a base model?"

   Rachel smiled again. "To be completely honest, we prefer to wait until a customer is completely enraptured before springing the cost on the poor person."

   
"That bad, huh?"

   "Well...it's more expensive than taking the family out to play miniature golf."

   I nodded my understanding. It suddenly occurred to me that this whole reporter charade would work better if I actually had a small notebook or a tape recorder. I considered making a comment like "So, Roger, is
theol
' photographic memory storing everything all right?" but that would have been stupid. I probably should have planned a cover story before driving over here. The idea that I really suck as a detective crossed my mind.

   "So was this whole thing your idea?" I asked.

   "No, it was Mike's. We were friends all through college, and we'd rent maybe six or seven horror movies every weekend. We'd just sit in his dorm room
andtoxify
our brains watching these things. We sort of went our separate ways after he graduated, partially because his girlfriend, now his wife, was jealous of all the time we spent together...not that you need to write anything about that." She suddenly looked worried. "You're not going to use that quote, are you?"

   "Not if you don't want me to," I assured her.

   "Oh,
good.It
sort of slipped out. Anyway, I stayed in Chamber and was working full time as a trainer at the gym, and Mike moved from place to place trying and failing to carve out a career as a filmmaker. We met up again two years ago just by coincidence. Some friends came from out of town and wanted to do the theme park thing, so I took them to Universal Studios, and there Mike was, working as a photographer at the King Kong ride. We met up later that night and he told me about this whole idea for making custom-made horror movies. Oh, by the way, can I get you some coffee?"

   "No, I'm fine," I said.

   "I just now thought of that. I'd hate you to start your article with `Ghoulish Delights is run by Rachel Mallory, a woman who likes to talk and talk and talk and talk without so much as having the courtesy to provide refreshments.'"

   "No, really, I'm okay. Roger's fine, too. Please continue."

   "Basically, I thought it sounded like a lot of fun, though I wasn't sure if it was something we could actually make money at. Well, we couldn't get a bank loan to save our lives, so finally Mike swallowed his pride, called up his rich brother, and begged for the start-up money. He got it, we rented this place, and then he started calling people he knew wouldn't demand a regular paycheck. Pretty soon we had Carl, Farley, Linda, and Dominick, and we were set."

   "And you're all making a living at this now?"

   "Not a great one, but we do okay. To be completely honest, we don't make all of our money from Ghoulish Delights. We have to film the occasional wedding or
barmitzva
,
but overall we're not starving to death."

   "What does Mike's wife think of Ghoulish Delights?"

   Rachel shrugged. "I don't see her much. Every once in a while she'll come in here and turn up her nose at one of Farley's creatures, but that's about it."