Gravity: A Novel (27 page)

“I know.
I’m sorry. I couldn’t live with what I’d done. I nearly overdosed several times, trying to make the guilt and pain go away. When I finally made it through rehab, I wanted to find you, to turn myself in, to make it right.”

Part of me
, deep down inside, beneath all the anger and hatred, wanted to pity him. I wanted to feel for him and everything that he had gone through, but my empathy was overpowered with the pain of all that he had taken from me.

“Why didn’t you then,
William?” I yelled at him through the torment and tears, as I lunged at him with my hands fisted at my sides. “Why? Why? Do you know what you did to me? You broke me! You broke me!” I screamed at him, as my body shook with rage and heartbreak. Logan wrapped his arms around me then, pulling me into his chest protectively.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.
He can’t hurt you anymore. Just breathe.”

I tried to focus on Logan’s calming voice, tried to slow my breath as I sobbed into his chest.

William continued to speak. “I would have turned myself in, but Janelle was pregnant with my baby. She needed me then, and my son needed me. It wasn’t about me anymore, or you, Gemma. For once people were depending on me, and I had to do the right thing,
for the
m
.”

His words resonated somewhere deep inside me.
How could I fault him for choosing to be a father, for turning his life around?

“Don’t think that I moved on and forgot about what I had done.
I have agonized over it all these years. When my daughter was born . . .” He broke down in sobs, his head shaking side to side as he gripped his arm over his stomach in pain.

“
When my daughter was born, I kept thinking of you and knew that, if anyone ever hurt her the way that I had hurt you, I would kill them. I felt like a monster, and I struggled with the urge to use again. I’m so sorry. I can never go back and undo it, but, God, . . . I wish I could. I. Am. So. Sorry.” William completely broke down before me.

I wasn’t sure what to feel.
How much longer do I have to live with what happened? Haven’t we all paid enough?

Drew
and I, and even William, had all suffered so much from that one night so long ago. But William’s torment began long before that. His struggle, his fight. I was overcome with emotion. I knew what he needed from me, but I wasn’t sure that I could give it to him. I wasn’t sure that I could forgive him for all the years of torment, all the pain that he had caused. The way that he had purposely destroyed my friendship with Drew. The ripple effect from his gruesome attack was far too devastating to absolve him.

I pulled out of Logan’s arms and stood in front of
William, looking down at him where he knelt at my feet—bloody, beaten, and broken.

“I’m sorry too,” I whispered and walked toward Logan’s truck.
And I was sorry. I was sorry that William was so fucked up; I was sorry for what he had suffered, for what had changed him back then, for what had unleashed the monster that he must see when he looked in the mirror. I was sorry for the way he suffered now, but mostly I was sorry for the time that I could have had with Drew. Now it was too late, and William’s apology could never bring Drew back. It could never return to me the time that I had lost.

I heard Logan say to
William in a strained voice, “This isn’t over,” as I opened the heavy door to his truck and hoisted myself up into the seat, closing the door with a weighted breath. Tears made their way down my cheeks as sobs shook my body. Logan opened the driver’s side door and climbed in next to me, starting the loud engine before slowly driving away from the church, away from what was left of Drew, away from William kneeling in the dirt begging for forgiveness that I couldn’t give.

Thirty-
Four

Not able to face Drew’s family, primarily William, especially after his confrontation, we had gone to Logan’s house. The drive was met with silence as I watched Logan’s anger slowly recede, my own despair hovering on the brink, as I tried to put it all behind me the farther we got from the church. I had texted my mother to let her know where I was. She didn’t deserve to worry about me more than she already had, and I didn’t want her to wait up for me. It had been a long day for both of us. We had planned to stay at our cabin for the night, and I knew that she would be okay alone, with all our neighbors close by.

Logan and I sat on his couch in his small house that rested on the property behind Sal’s Garage, just talking. We were both still shaken up by the altercation with
William.

“Gemma, you should’ve told me
,” Logan said, rubbing his hand over his face.

I took a sip of my water, staring straight ahead, lost in thought.
I was taken back to that night when Logan had found me in the woods, crying. I had told him as little as possible, downplaying the incident by vaguely telling him that I had let things go a little too far with someone, that I felt taken advantage of, and that I was upset, unwilling to give Logan a name, despite his protests, or to recount the experience by admitting that I had been raped.

I could barely wrap my own head around what had happened, much less talk to Logan about it.
I made him promise that he would never tell anyone, mainly Drew, and that we would never speak of it again. He had carried me to his truck and driven me back to my cabin, after asking me nearly ten times if I was okay. And that had been the last time that I had seen him until the other night. I shook the memory from my mind as my thoughts drifted back to Drew.

“What was he like in the end, Logan?
What did you guys talk about?” I asked, still staring into space, clutching my water glass tightly in my hand.

“Well, he seemed fine at first.
A little angry and on edge. We went out drinking a lot. He told me that he was taking a break from life for a while, and I believed him, knowing what an asshole his father was to work for. His behavior made sense. I didn’t know that he was sick. He never told me.”

Drew’s words “taking a break from life” echoed inside my heart.
His words from my dream, exactly the same.

“And then strange things started to happen.
Like he would get sudden headaches that nearly brought him to his knees, and, a few times, I swear he couldn’t see—like he was suddenly blinded by the pain. He would wave it off, always making an excuse when I would start to get worried. And then one day I found him unconscious in his bedroom. We had planned to go fishing, and I had walked in just like I always do, but he wasn’t answering when I called out to him. I had to call an ambulance. I was scared shitless. When I got to the hospital, they told me about his condition. At first I was pissed that he didn’t tell me. But I get it. He didn’t want to be treated differently.

“Anyway, he spent a few days in the hospital
, and then he demanded to go back to the Manor. That’s when he painted your cabin. He wouldn’t let me help him, even though I knew it was taking every ounce of strength he had to finish it.” Logan shook his head and took a swig of his beer. “So damn stubborn.

“And then I found him again
. He was conscious but barely, and he couldn’t get out of bed. I drove him to the damn hospital myself, called his dad and Will. They arrived just before he lost consciousness for the last time. His dad couldn’t take it, left shortly after. Will stayed by his side for weeks. I was there as often as I could be. The doctors said that his brain was pretty much gone, but his body was still fighting.”

He wiped
away a tear from his eye with his palm and downed the rest of his beer.

“The thing is, I kept thinking he was going to wake
up, that he was going to beat it. Sometimes when I was sitting alone at his side in the quiet, I would hear him make noises—the doctor said this was normal—but I swear a few times I heard him mumble your name. Of course they told me that I was crazy, that he couldn’t possibly have any cognitive thoughts. But I know what I heard. So I thought for sure they were wrong, that he was going to be okay.” He leaned forward and set his empty bottle on the table.

A chill swept over me then
, and I set my glass on the table next to Logan’s empty beer bottles and crossed my arms over my chest tightly, fighting against it. I reached up and wiped a tear from my eye when Logan suddenly gripped my wrist in his hand, startling me.

He pulled my hand closer to his face, twisting my arm gently until the small tattoo on the inside of my wrist was exposed.
I felt his thumb trace the figure eight slowly as my breath came in steady, heavy pulls.

“What is this?” he asked.

Although the three of us had been close, some things were kept sacred between just Drew and me, like our tattoo designs and our promises. When I remained quiet with my eyes focused on the black outline etched in my skin, Logan dropped my hand. I slowly traced the tattoo with my own thumb.

“Drew had the same thing, but different and bigger, right here,” he said as he pointed at an area of skin on his forearm.
“Not a coincidence, is it?” he asked, knowing that he had missed out on whatever this meant to Drew, to me.

I
shook my head to confirm his suspicions. “You guys were so close. I could never penetrate that bond between the two of you.”

He shook his head, remembering.
“And when we got older, this thick tension built between Drew and me whenever you were around. Like he wanted to keep you all to himself. He loved you, you know? That last summer, it was so obvious. At least to everyone but you.”

He chuckled to himself as my mind drifted back to Drew’s words the last time I saw him, all those years ago.
I’m in love with you. I’m so in love with you
. . .

“Anyway I knew his tattoo must have something to do with you, especially when he told me what it meant.
He said it was to remind him that—”

“
Nothing lasts forever,” I whispered the words at the same time as Logan as we both looked at each other, my eyes wide with shock. My love for Drew slammed into me all at once, old feelings mixed in with the new emotions that had flourished inside me and filled me to the point that I thought I might burst.

That hope brought forth once again the idea that what Drew and I
had shared was real, that it wasn’t just in my head. Too many coincidences, far too tangible to be anything but real. I shivered against that familiar chill that invaded me, as I weighed the consequences of telling Logan everything in that moment. Unable to stay quiet with all the possibilities whirling around in my head, I finally spoke. “Logan, you know about my accident right?”

“Yeah, of course,” he said, as he twisted a cap off another bottle of beer.

“Don’t you think it’s weird that Drew and I were both unconscious at the same time, in the same hospital? I mean, what are the chances?” I asked.

“Pretty bizarre,” he agreed as
he picked at the label of his beer with his thumbnail.

And then I launched into the whole story about my dream, every sordid detail, as Logan listened intently.

“Shit, Gem. That’s crazy,” he said when I had shared the complete story.

“Crazy, like I’m insane?
Or crazy, like, crazy that happened?” I asked.

He tilted his head to the side and gave me a look.
“Of course I don’t think you’re crazy. I mean, you’re right. What are the chances? The whole tattoo thing and your pregnancy, makes you wonder, what if?” He shrugged.

“I don’t care what anyone thinks, Logan.
It was so real, I can’t deny all the coincidences.”

“So what are you gonna do now?” he asked.

I looked down at my hands, carefully considering his question. “I have to let Drew go. He’s gone, and there’s nothing that I can do. I have to move on.” I rubbed my hand over my belly. “I have to think about this little one.”

“What about your husband?” Logan asked
, before setting his empty beer bottle on the table next to the others.

“I don’t know, but
, honestly after the day I’ve had, . . . what he did doesn’t seem so unforgivable now. I still love him, and we’re having a baby. I guess I need to focus on that.” I turned to look at Logan again. “This whole thing has changed me though, Logan. I feel so different. The accident, the dream . . . It all changed me somehow.”

Logan reached out and cupped my cheek in his hand
. “You’ll figure it out, Gem.” He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead, before standing up to grab another beer from the fridge. “And you’ll always have me. Anytime you need to talk,” he threw out before walking back to sit down on the couch again.

“Thanks
, Logan. What’s your story anyway?”

“I don’t really have one.
You know me. I’m not one to be tied down. I tried the married thing, but it didn’t work out.”

“Still breaking hearts?” I asked.

He just shrugged. “What can I say?”

I shook my head as a smile spread across my face while Logan kept talking.

“It’s funny. Drew told me that he always envied me. He said that I did what I did, loved who I loved, . . . that I was free to just be me. I never realized how unhappy he was until the end. It kind of makes me sad to think about it. I had always envied him because he had money. I thought that it gave him the freedom to do what he wanted, to be who he wanted to be, to really go places, ya know?” Logan looked at me with his lips drawn in, sadness woven through his expression. “But he fought against the chains that held him just as much as I did, maybe more.”