unsatisfying lovemaking year
women take their lovers
after year.
by the hand and give
them helpful hints. But all
too often, the man is defensive and inept, the woman gives up, and lovemaking ends without mutual satisfaction. The penetration-produces-female-orgasm myth lives on, and lovemaking continues to be, in the words of one woman quoted in
The Hite Report
, “an activity engaged in by two for the satisfaction of one.”
The sad truth is that for many women today, lovemaking isn’t any better than it was for their great-great-grand-mothers. In some ways, it may be
worse
because nowadays female pleasure is an expectation, some men are at least trying, and self-blame adds another layer of guilt and unhappiness. No wonder there are so many reports of sexual malaise and boredom.
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Chapter Four
Faking It and
Dealing with It
The third scenario among no-female-orgasm couples is when the woman
pretends
to have a climax during the penis-in-vagina part of intercourse. From the number of jokes in circulation (“Been faking it so long I forgot how it feels!”) and some memorable episodes in movies (notably the restaurant scene in
When Harry Met Sally
), it’s clear that faking sexual ecstasy happens a lot. Two recent surveys give us ballpark figures. A 1994
Mademoiselle
study found that 69 percent of women admitted that they had faked an orgasm at least once. And a 1995 study by Celia Roberts found that almost all the women at one college said they pretended at least some of the time. (The success of this play-acting became apparent when men on the same campus were also
surveyed; they said that the
women they slept with
Faked orgasms are bad news
never
deceived them about
for women—and ultimately
having orgasms.)
for men, as well.
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Looking for a silver lining, we might say there is some good news in these figures. If a woman feels called upon to pretend, it means that she believes her partner
cares
if she has an orgasm—and it shows that men have dispensed with whatever hang-ups their forefathers had about expressions of female sexual pleasure.
But faked orgasms are mostly bad news for women—
and ultimately for men, as well. When a woman fails to be assertive about her own sexual needs, she deprives herself of deep pleasure, misses an opportunity to teach a man how her body works, perpetuates the penetration-produces-female-orgasm myth, creates unspoken tension and anger in the relationship, and gets herself into a bind from which it is difficult to escape. That’s a lot of trouble from a little harmless fibbing.
So why do women do it? First, there is the
pressure
women feel from contemporary beliefs about the way sex is supposed to be. While Victorian women were brought up to think they
shouldn’t
show sexual pleasure, modern women are led to believe that they
must
. Since Freud, notes Elisabeth Lloyd, orgasms during intercourse have become closely linked to women’s “true womanliness and femininity,” producing “enormous social pressure.” Politically progressive women get the message that they have a God-given right to an orgasm when they make love. In fact, the word is out that a woman should have an orgasm (or multiple orgasms)
every time
. When
Sex and the City’s
Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t
6 5
Samantha climaxes ecstatically with lover after lover (look, Ma, no hands!), she is brainwashing every female viewer into thinking that it’s all very straightforward, and if it’s not happening to you, honey, you must be messed up. As recently as 1981, an American sex-advice book opined,
“There is usually some psychological problem, however small or large, when a woman fails to climax with modest frequency during sex with a competent and likable lover.”
There’s also pressure on men. Locker-room wisdom is that if you don’t give your partner an orgasm, you are unmanly, lousy in bed, and a failure as a lover. Men do not like to feel this way, and there’s a strong tendency for them to put the ball right back into the woman’s court, keeping the pressure on her.
A second reason for faked orgasms is when a woman senses that a desirable man is comparing her sexually to other women who don’t seem to be having any trouble with unassisted climaxes during intercourse (they’re probably faking, but who can tell?). A thirty-three-year-old man interviewed by
Glamour
in 1995 said, “When you find a woman who can come to orgasm through penetration and not just clitoral stimulation, keep her. She’s a rare and wondrous thing.” Attitudes like this can put sexually honest women at a competitive disadvantage in the dating marketplace. Female sexual pleasure is deeply arousing for most men, and when it’s not present during lovemaking, men may be tempted to look elsewhere rather than 6 6
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t
work on improving their own skills. Women are keenly attuned to this dynamic, and if the couple does not have a reliable way to reach a sexual climax during intercourse, there’s a strong temptation to try to make things right by providing a simulation of sexual ecstasy.
A third route to faking orgasms is more subtle. In the hotly romantic early weeks of a love affair, sheer physical attraction, pent-up desire,
and novelty can create a
Sex with no orgasmic
very high level of arousal.
payoff—sex that consists
A woman may enjoy the
of putting on an act for
sex so much that she
the benefit of a man—is
sounds
as if she is having
not going to stand the
an orgasm—and may
test of time.
actually have one through
sheer excitement and
empathy with her part-
ner’s sexual pleasure. But as the relationship moves beyond the infatuation stage and sexual newness and excitement subside a little, the woman may experience less pleasure—
but continue making orgasmic noises to please her partner and keep the magic alive. Over time, genuine enjoyment can segue imperceptibly into exaggerated pleasure and then into outright faking.
A fourth reason for faked orgasms is the fear many women have of bruising the male ego (an ego that is notoriously sensitive when it comes to sex) and losing
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the guy. As Betty Dodson says, “Women have been conditioned to sexually please men for food, shelter, and protection ever since we lived in caves.” Whether a woman succumbs to this fear depends on her level of self-confidence and assertiveness and the power balance within a relationship. Some women can say with total honesty, “I’ve never faked an orgasm.” They are willing to level with a man in bed, work on improving the sex, and let the chips fall where they may (“If he won’t listen and can’t learn, he’s a jerk and I don’t want him anyway”).
But lots of other women are less sure of themselves, have less power within their relationships, and hesitate to speak up about unsatisfying sex. Rather than trying to correct ineffective lovemaking, they conclude that too much candor will hurt his feelings, insult his skill as a lover, jeopardize the relationship—
or at the very least spoil the moment. As Stephanie Alexander wrote in
Cosmopolitan
in 1995, faking orgasms is “just a matter of expediency…When you have to get up for work the next morning, who has two spare hours to make him feel better about not making you feel great?”
So when the guy purrs, “Was it good for you, too, honey?” she’s not very likely to say, “Actually, sweetie, I didn’t come and, to tell you the truth, masturbation is a whole lot better than sex with you.” As gravelly 6 8
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voiced Rosalind Russell sang in the classic musical,
Wonderful Town
, “That’s a sure way to lose a man!”
A fifth cause of faking is when a man’s attempts at foreplay are clumsy, unsatisfying, or even painful. The clitoris is a sensitive organ, and if foreplay is too rough, too rapid, too mechanical, or too intermittent, a woman can lose her place or get completely turned off. A super-goal-oriented man striving mightily to give his partner an orgasm can make a woman feel like a laboratory animal. In situations like this, the woman’s highest priority may be getting done with intercourse as quickly as possible. Here is one woman’s account from
The Hite Report
: When I come to the realization that I’m not going to reach orgasm, I fake one, so he’ll stop rubbing the life out of my clitoris and get on to the business of coming and it will be over with. In order to teach him how to do it right would take a major education and psychotherapy job which is only worth going through with someone I really dig.
Couldn’t a woman call for a time-out? Possibly, but that’s tricky to handle and could be a relationship-ender. Faking at least keeps some options open.
A final reason for faking is when an empathetic man whose pleasure is closely tied to that of his partner cannot
Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t
6 9
reach orgasm until she
does—but isn’t touching
Trapped by men’s
her in ways that are mak-
expectations and unable to
ing hers happen. With an
speak up about their own
overabundance of gen-
needs, many women
erosity (“doing a favor for
convince themselves that
a friend”), a woman in
faking orgasms is a good
this situation may pre-
short-term strategy—but
tend to come to help her
long term, it can cause major
struggling partner get
damage to a relationship.
over the top.
So there you have it:
six ways that women can convince themselves that faking orgasms is a rational short-term strategy. The problem is that once they start, it’s very difficult to stop. The longer a woman fakes and the more successful she is at deceiving her partner, the harder it is to tell the truth.
Imagine his angry questions: “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?! You’ve been doing this for
how
many years?
What
else
have you been lying about?” So the orgasm-faker is trapped into continuing to breathe and moan and holler in ways that convince her partner that his penis has produced a major seismic event. And that lets even the most conscientious guy off the hook when it comes to giving his partner a
real
orgasm at some other point in their lovemaking session. “I’m done. She’s done. Nighty-night.”
As he dozes off, his bad habits have been reinforced, his 7 0
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t
sexual ego has been falsely inflated (“What an amazing lover I am!”), the penetration-produces-female-orgasm myth has been kept alive, and another opportunity for honest feedback and real learning has been lost.
And honest guidance is what men need! The sad thing about the amusing and very well-acted orgasm-faking scene in
When Harry Met Sally
is that Sally actually appeared to be giving her imaginary lover directive feedback (“Oh God! Yeah, right there! Yes!”). She was, in fact, engaging in a triple deception: faking her own pleasure, faking giving helpful feedback, and faking that he was taking the feedback and doing the right thing for her. What a disaster!
The damage that ongoing faking does to a relationship is enormous. The woman often feels cheated, slighted, and angry—but her frustration and resentment are locked inside her own head because she can’t talk to her mate about something very important that’s bothering her. And whether she knows it or not, she is angry at herself for carrying on the charade. This is not a recipe for domestic happiness! Yet all too many women are caught up in the faking way of making love.
Sex with no orgasmic payoff—sex that consists of putting on an act for the benefit of a man—is not going to stand the test of time. It’s likely to wither on the vine when the woman has reason to feel less friendly toward her partner, when she’s angry about something, when
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she’s not “in the mood.” There can be other reasons, but resentment about not getting equal satisfaction in bed might be a prime cause for unhappiness with one’s sex life—and for fending off a man’s advances.
Happy Without Orgasms?
We’ve looked at three scenarios—Wham-Bam, Clueless, and Faking It—where couples have intercourse without the woman reaching orgasm. All these women are deeply unhappy with their sex lives, right? That seems like a no-brainer, but the reality is more complicated. In
The Hite Report
, 87 percent of the respondents said they
enjoyed
making love—this from a sample that, Hite’s critics contend, was skewed toward feminist beliefs. And surprisingly, women who didn’t have orgasms with their lovers were just as likely to say they enjoyed intercourse as those who did.
Shere Hite was so puzzled by these responses that she conducted a follow-up survey to get a better understanding of what the women were saying. From the responses (and other sources beyond Hite’s work), it’s clear that there are a number of emotional facets of intercourse that can make it truly enjoyable for a woman even if she doesn’t have an orgasm. Here’s what some women said:
• “It creates tender and intimate moments with a man.”
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• “The full body-to-body contact is as close as I can get to someone else.”