“Felicity is a wonderful woman, Alex. Would that I could find such an incomparable lady.”
“Miss Lindsay?”
John looked out at the garden again and tried to picture Marianne Lindsay as content as Felicity in the nurture of her family and surroundings. He could not. And Felicity had additional qualities the other woman did not possess—an original mind, a quantity of compassion, a lively interest in the world around her.
A surprising thought entered John’s head. He suspected Miss Haverley of being all those things, yet he scarcely knew her. At the same time, the idea of living with Miss Lindsay as chatelaine of his Nottingham property felt completely wrong. In fact, the only context in which he could picture himself married to her was the present one. Removed from Grenville Manor and Lindsay Hall, where he would have the warmth of his brother’s family to enjoy, the woman held little allure.
“Now that I picture her living away from this place that I love, I think not,” he said with a sigh. “And I am afraid I have given her hopes.”
Alex said, “I agree with you on both counts. She is beautiful, but she is no Felicity. And she has nurtured hopes since she was twelve years old.”
John sat down in the chair again, leaning forward, his elbows on his thighs, his hands linked. “A lot of things are going through my mind right now. Thinking of Miss Lindsay in Nottinghamshire is opening my eyes.” He stared at the Aubusson carpet but saw only Marianne Lindsay’s wistful face as she talked about London. “It occurs to me that I have been blind to her wishes and desires, thinking only that securing her hand would mean raising my children in these surroundings. I have been considering only myself and have been deaf to her desire for London. I thought if we lived here in the neighborhood with access to her family and mine that she would be content.”
“John, do you love the woman?” Alex asked.
He looked up at his brother. “I don’t know. I have never been in love, to my knowledge.”
Alex sighed. “Do you feel that she is the only woman in the world for you? That you would do anything to bring about her happiness? It sounds to me as though you are thinking primarily of yourself.”
His brother’s words were like a knife thrust. “I am a selfish beggar, aren’t I?”
Alex sat back behind his desk. “I only know whereof I speak from personal experience. I was the most selfish of all men for the first five years of my marriage. True love in marriage is rare. But I wish it for you above all things.”
He suddenly felt as though he was in a harness of guilt. “What am I to do about the woman? She and her parents expect an offer of marriage from me.”
“Go to London. Go to Nottinghamshire. I will take the liberty of telling the Lindsays about your inheritance. If Miss Lindsay truly thinks she might have to live buried in the country away from her family, she may finally accept one of those offers her mother is always telling us about.”
John felt a bit of the remorse he was feeling lift. “Thank you, Alex. I will follow your advice.”
{ 12 }
T
o Delia’s relief, Molly and Mariah were very glad not to be accompanying the family to London.
“Last time we went to London, there was nothing for us to do, and we missed Nellie,” said Molly. “I’m so glad we have you as a governess so we can stay here in Lincolnshire.”
The governess’s feelings on this matter were tarnished somewhat by a conversation with Lady Lindsay in her sitting room the afternoon following the dinner party.
“Miss Haverley,” she began. “I am beginning to think that your background before you came to us was far grander than you have led me to believe. I will not be deceived. You are not a penniless orphan. I must insist that you tell me the truth about yourself.”
Delia’s stomach knotted and her thoughts raced. She could not tell the truth. It would surely lead to discovery.
“While not precisely penniless, I am an orphan,” she said. “I have no relations with whom I care to live. And I am too young to set up my own establishment. I have enjoyed living here with your family and teaching Molly and Mariah very much.”
Lady Lindsay studied her. “Does Lord John know of your actual social status?”
Delia was taken aback by the question. “Lord John?” she repeated.
“I found out that it was he that insisted you be part of the company last night.” Lady Lindsay’s eyes were cold and her lips set in a straight line.
“Oh.” Delia felt the heat of a furious blush creep into her face.
“Have you been seeing him on the sly, Miss?”
Her employer’s insinuations made Delia’s temper rise in an instant. “Certainly not! Whatever you may believe about me, I have been raised to be a lady. I have no secret designs on Major Lambeth, nor he on me, I am certain. I am well aware that he is courting Miss Lindsay.”
Lady Lindsay leaned back a bit and her expression softened slightly. “I am glad to hear it. You
are
a plain little thing, while my daughter is a noted beauty, but I thought it best to be certain.” With that, Lady Lindsay rose. “I am glad that you know your place, Miss Haverley. Now, I am certain I am keeping you from your duties.”
Delia rose slowly after the woman left the room. With her inner vision, she was seeing the soft look on the major’s face as he tipped her chin up to look at him amid the field of daisies. The secret thrill this had given her now turned to guilt.
The major was not for her.
What had she been thinking of the last two nights as she had remained awake, cherishing this small attention? He thought her a governess. If anything, he was only dallying with her. That was the worst of her position. Men thought they could take liberties.
But the major is not like that.
Smoothing down the folds of her dress, she thrust away her tender feelings. She had encouraged him by putting that daisy in his buttonhole! Delia blushed again, this time to an empty room. Her manner to the man must be coolly distant in the future.
A tiny voice inside insisted that she had been of real assistance to him, helping him to fight his melancholia, but she drowned it. He had far more experience of the world than she had. Major Lambeth would be able to overcome his troubles without any help from her.
Because of these thoughts, she dreaded her next encounter with the man. Her repertoire of female artistry did not include the ability to feign any emotion. For this reason, she was very relieved to hear her charges’ lament a few days later.
“Lord John has gone to London, Marianne says,” Molly informed her sister as they sat in the schoolroom while Delia was attempting to demonstrate the art of embroidering French knots. “It’s no use!” the girl exclaimed, throwing down her hoop. “My knots are all knobbly.”
“Everyone’s are at first,” said the governess calmly. “You must be a bit patient, Molly. Practice. You are never perfect at something the first try.” She longed to ask how long the major would be gone.
“He is not just going to London,” mourned Mariah. “He is going to be two weeks in Nottinghamshire! Marianne is very cross.”
Before she could stop the words, Delia said, “Nottinghamshire! Is he going to visit a friend?”
Mariah lowered her voice. “He is visiting his uncle. Lord John has received a bequest!”
Delia’s heart thudded. What kind of a bequest? Did this mean he would no longer need Marianne’s money? She dashed the thought from her mind. Of course the man was interested in more than her money. Marianne Lindsay was a beautiful woman.
As though Molly had divined her governess’s thoughts, she said, “Hush, Mariah. We are not meant to discuss it. Papa is very cross as well.”
“But why is Papa cross?” Mariah said. “It only makes Lord John a better catch!”
Molly cast a sideways glance at Delia and then whispered, “He is afraid he will settle in Nottinghamshire. Papa wants him to take over his estate when he marries Marianne.”
It must be a very large bequest! Another estate, perhaps? If he goes to live in Nottinghamshire, I will never see him again.
Delia cast down her embroidery. She suddenly longed for solitude. A walk perhaps.
“We have not seen Nellie today,” she said.
Both girls looked at her with sudden, hopeful smiles. “May we take her for a walk to the stream?” Mariah asked. “I promise I will not go into the woods!”
“Only if you take your parasols with you,” Delia said. As the girls bounced up, she said. “Do not tear down the stairs, now. Walk like young ladies. And do not forget your bonnets.”
As she had hoped, once they were out of range of the house, the sisters walked quickly ahead of her to the barn, and then when Nellie was on her leash, they allowed the dog to pull them at her speed along to the stream. It was the closest thing to a solitary walk that Delia could manage at this point.
In spite of all the lectures she had given herself and the stern words she had written in the journal she kept tucked away in her wardrobe, the news that Major Lambeth might be departing from the neighborhood struck her a heavy blow. Had she not secretly hoped that Marianne would find a beau in London and accept his addresses, thus leaving the major free? Had she not wished that he might somehow see past her smallness and undistinguished looks to fall in love with her?
In her mind, she had compared him endlessly to Lord Manchester—he who supposedly wanted to marry her—and the major had come off superior in every way. He was kind, he was fond of family life, he did not appear to favor fast women or gambling. She was unsure whether he drank to excess. That was a possibility of course, considering his melancholia. But he was certainly no spendthrift.
And Lord Manchester, though handsome, left her feeling cold and distant. Major Lambeth, from the very first day she had met him on the road, had elicited tender feelings in her, even though he had been standoffish. He had kind impulses.
Was she in love with the man? How could she be? She scarcely knew him.
It certainly looked as though she had better try more diligently to talk herself out of her fancy for him. Delia was never likely to get a chance to know him any better.
Nellie had been splashing in the stream for some time now. On a whim, Delia called to her charges. “Come, I have a surprise to show you!” Dispirited, she felt in need of seeing the field of yellow daisies once more, of feeling that moment of pure undiluted joy. Perhaps she would even teach the girls to waltz.
“Where are we going?” they asked as she led them off in the opposite direction.
“It is a magical place,” Delia said. “Keep hold of Nellie. We do not want her to run off.”
They climbed the stile and ventured through the small forest.
“We are going onto Grenville land,” Molly said as they trod through the leafy floor. “We do not have permission to wander this far.”
“But I do,” said Delia. “And so you must behave so as not to disgrace me.”
When they came out the other side and saw the field of daisies, both girls said, “Ooooh.”
Nellie pulled them into the field. “This is enchanting,” said Molly. “It makes me want to dance or something.”
“Shall we waltz?” asked Delia. “I can show you how.”
Molly handed the leash off to Mariah, saying, “You are a very odd governess. But that would be splendid!”
“Here we go,” Delia said. “Put your left hand on my shoulder and I will hold your right hand like this. Now. You step forward when I step back. It is really very simple.” Delia began to hum. After a moment, she pronounced, “One, two, three, One, two, three,” and they were moving through the daisies. Molly laughed and they danced faster, Delia twirling her around.
It was indeed splendid and her heart began to soar. She closed her eyes, imagining she was waltzing with the major.
“Oh! My turn!” cried Mariah, “My turn!”
“Pardon me, Miss Mariah,” a deep voice said. “But I believe it is my turn.”
Delia’s eyes flew open. Had she conjured him up out of her imagination? There he stood behind Mariah, petting Nellie. She stopped dancing, staring wide-eyed. Then she began to laugh, clapping her hands. “But I thought you were in London!”
“I leave in the morning. I was delayed. My brother has some papers he is preparing for his man of business.”
Her pulse pounded with joy. He waded through the daisies and bowed to Delia and Molly. Taking the governess’s hand, he asked, his blue eyes solemn, “May I have this dance, Miss Haverley?”
“Certainly,” she said with a curtsey. He hummed a tune and then put his hand on her waist and took her right hand in his, holding it up between them. She reached up to put her left hand on his large, high shoulder. As they began to twirl through the field, her heart was knocking in her chest. She kept a straight face as Nellie ran circles around them and the two girls laughed. As his eyes looked into hers, the surroundings receded. The deep melancholy she read there lightened, and his eyes became bright with enjoyment. Finally, she could help it no longer, she threw her head back and laughed. She felt she had entered some magical ballroom.
“You waltz remarkably well. Especially for a governess,” he said.
Her heart skittered and she tipped her head to the side. “I was not always a governess.”
“And you were not always called Haverley,” he said.
Delia gave a small gasp. “You must not say a word about that,” she said in a low voice.
Mariah called out, “It
is
my turn now!”
“May I have the honor of knowing with whom it is I am waltzing?” the major asked softly. His mouth quirked up in his half-smile, and she became short of breath.
She smiled the smile she knew showed her dimple. “Not at present,” she said. “It could cause difficulties for me. I do apologize.”
Mariah had approached them, her hand on Major Lambeth’s arm. “My turn!”
He squeezed Delia’s hand and leaned down to murmur in her ear, “I will pursue this further.” To Mariah, he said, “You are an impetuous baggage. Has no one ever taught you any manners?”
Mariah grinned. “They try.”
Delia felt a little as though the sun had dodged behind a cloud as she left his embrace. She still felt the warm comfort of his hand on her back. She had known so little joy, so little comfort in such a long time. Those few moments in his arms had been delicious and she knew she would probably savor them for a long time to come.