Grid Iron Bad Boy: A Football Romance (16 page)

“
A
ll right
, Ms. Taylor. Nice to see you again,” Doctor Ling walks through the door of the office and takes a seat in the rolling chair across from where I’m sitting on the medical bed.

She looks down at her chart and runs her pen along down the page as she takes in the results. Her silky black hair is tied back in a simple ponytail that somehow looks so elegant on her. I search her face for a clue, some kind of indication about what’s going on with me.

The last month and a half have been crazy, romantic and a complete whirlwind. With Cameron’s football season gearing up and my school year hitting the mid-way point, it’s been hectic. Still, we’ve made time for each other every single day, usually staying up until the wee hours of the morning fucking and talking. I feel like a teenager again, with stars in my eyes and clouds at my feet.

At least, I did.

All of a sudden, my health decided to take a nosedive on me. It’s not unusual for teachers to catch every germ known to man. Especially in December. For almost two weeks, I’ve been sick as a dog and dead tired. Even while I’ve just been waiting here for my doctor, I nodded off. I swipe my fingers underneath my lips to make sure I don’t have any drool from my little nap around my mouth.

At first I wrote it off as a flu, but after twelve days I’ve actually started feeling much worse. I can’t risk getting my class sick, so I came in for bloodwork just to be sure it’s nothing more serious.

I fold my hands in my lap and my paper gown crinkles loudly. These stupid things always remind me of the paper dresses my sister and I used to fasten to our cardboard dolls when we were kids. Just like me, their gowns were only fastened around their necks and hung wide open in the back.

“OK, so I can tell you that we’ve found the reason for your symptoms and it’s not the flu.” She looks up at me and locks her dark eyes on mine.

I breathe in deep, waiting for her to continue. What could it be? My mind is reeling. Is it serious? Oh, God. Do I have cancer?

“You’re pregnant,” she announces.

My mouth turns down like someone is pulling on my lips with a fish hook and tears line my eyes. “No, I’m not,” my heart sinks. They must have mixed up my bloodwork. What a cruel announcement to give a woman who can’t have children.

“You most certainly are,” she exclaims, pointing at the chart.

“I can’t be,” I insist. “I have premature ovarian failure. I’ve known that for years now. I’ve been taking estrogen for the side effects, but I’m sterile,” I inform her flatly repeating what I’ve been told over and over from several doctors. It’s a diagnosis I’m well versed in. A hell that I’d never wish on any woman.

“Well then, that does make this rare,” she looks over her charts again and nods as she reads what they’re telling her. “I don’t know what was initially discussed with you upon your diagnosis. Though it is very uncommon and more challenging, it’s not impossible.””

I can’t make sense of her words. It’s as if my ear for the English language has suddenly turned deaf.

For so long I’ve had to live with the knowledge that I’d never have children. That the joy of holding a baby in my arms, of watching my child grow and learn would never be my reality. I open and close my mouth, trying to spit out my words. Trying to wrap my head around this.

I’m pregnant?

My heart is threatening to blow up in my chest as I let myself dream. I look through my tears, into Dr. Ling’s porcelain face, “Are you sure?” I whisper. I blink and my tears drip down my face onto my gown.

My doctor’s face softens to a woman, from the robotic professionalism she normally wears as her mask. I look over at the desk she’s sitting next to. She has a large framed picture of her own family. Two gorgeous boys, a happy husband and her are all beaming at the camera in a park somewhere. She looks at me, not as a doctor giving another diagnosis, but as a fellow mother.

“Did you want to have children?” She asks gently.

I nod, my voice has been stolen by the sobs I can no longer control. Tears stream down my face. Tears of disbelief and joy and fear.

“Listen, I can give you an ultrasound if you want. You can see for yourself. This is real. Would you like to do that?” She stands up and points to the machine at the back of the room.

“Y-yes,” I hiccup my words.

“OK, I’ll need you to lie down and put your feet in the stirrups there.” I tilt my head to the side and watch her wheel the cart over to the bedside. I’m afraid to stop looking at her. I’m afraid to blink. I don’t want to wake up in the office and find out this has all just been a dream while I’ve been waiting for the doctor. It’s too incredible to believe.

“For these early ultrasounds, I need to use a transvaginal wand and detect the baby from inside. It won’t hurt or do any harm to the fetus.” She explains.

I nod and watch the black screen beside me. Doctor Ling hasn’t even inserted the ultrasound wand yet and I’m holding my breath waiting for an image I never thought would be mine. She slides the slippery instrument in me and maneuvers it around some. On the screen, a white outline shows up.

“That’s your uterus wall. I just need to move this around a bit,” she wiggles the wand, but nothing shows up in the dark circle. She moves left and right, pushing in further and making me feel uncomfortably full and still there’s nothing.

My heart shatters as what I always knew was true is confirmed. Of course there’s nothing there. It’s barren. Sterile. Why did I ever let myself believe otherwise? I knew they messed up the blood test. I knew…

Whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh!

My eyes lock on the screen. “You see? There’s the gestational sac, she clicks on the screen. And here, this is the fetal pole,” she clicks on a little bean inside me.

“That’s the baby?” I choke on my tears.

“It is,” she answers softly.

The whooshing of the heartbeat is like a song from a choir of angels, made only for me. My fingers graze over my belly with reverence. It’s a miracle. All the hopes and dreams I thought I had long ago left dead and buried surge through me. My hope of becoming a mother never died, it just quieted down. It was always there, in the background of my heart.

“Thank you,” I can’t stop the tears falling down the sides of my head. “Thank you!”

Dr. Ling looks at the screen, but I see her wipe her eyes with the back of her free hand. She clears her throat, “OK, so based on the measurement of the fetal pole…”

“Baby,” I interrupt.

“Yes,” she smiles at me, her eyes shining. “You’re six weeks along, Mama. And with the heartbeat going strong at one-hundred and five beats a minute, everything looks perfect.

Amazing. I’m so blessed. I found the man of my dreams and am pregnant with his child. A child I never imagined could be mine. I listen to the heartbeat of my little bean reassuring me, singing to me, and my heart swells with love. I need to tell Cameron! I can’t wait to leave the office and go over to his place to share this with him.

“I love you, baby bean,” I whisper to my baby to be. I’m going to be a mama. Nothing can take away the joy I have in my heart, in my soul right now. All the bitterness and sadness I’ve dealt with in the past are a distant memory that just makes this moment sweeter. Nothing can take this away from me.

T
he front door
swings away from me, revealing my sister, holding Honor on her hip. My eyes mist over at the sight of my niece, with her curly brown locks and chunky legs slung around my sister’s waist.

“Oh my god, Chelsea! What’s wrong? Come in!” Lauren steps back and waves me into her home. I stumble inside the door and double over, tears streaming down my face like a faucet has been opened and I can’t stop my emotions from pouring out of me.

“What happened?” My sister rests her free hand on my back and tries to make sense of what’s happening. “Are you ok? Please, tell me what’s going on,” she pleads with me, panic barely buried in her tone.

“I-I’m s-sorry,” I manage to squeak the words. I don’t mean to make Lauren so worried. I never intended to show up here at all, but after hearing the heartbeat I couldn’t just go home and wait for Cameron to be finished with school and football practice. There was no way I could just wait for a million lifetimes to pass each minute, as I sat with my own thoughts. Alone.

Well, not alone. Not with my little bean to keep me company.

I felt like, if I didn’t talk to someone about this soon, it would disappear. Like I needed to spill this secret to someone in order to make it real. I know it makes no sense, but I feel it as strongly as my need to breathe.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, tears rolling down over my cheeks like fat, spring rain drops down a window pane.

“Chelsea, please, tell me what happened. You’re scaring me,” Lauren’s eyebrows arch upward and her brown eyes fill with frightened tears.

“I… I’m…” I point to my belly, trying to communicate while my words fail me, “I’m pregnant,” I burst out into fresh tears. Not of fear, or sadness, or even happiness. Relief. That’s what is washing down my face and pouring out of my soul.

Relief.

That I will never have to live like a prisoner, trapped in an unfulfilled life. I won’t have to spend the rest of my years on this earth with an endless longing for a child I’ve never met, yet always known.

“You’re,” Lauren’s eyes grow wide, “what?” She looks at me like she’s not sure if she can believe what I’m saying. Like, the chances that this is a mental crack are just as good as me speaking the truth.

I completely understand her cautious, borderline nervous smile. It was the same one I gave Dr. Ling only an hour ago.

“Are you sure? How? I mean, how did you find out?” She sways Honor on her hip like she’s trying to soothe her to sleep, but Honor is all cooing smiles.

“I just got back from the doctor. I’m sure,” I manage to get my voice back and get my crying back under control. For how long, I can’t be sure.

“Ok, well, come in! Come sit down with me. I want to hear everything,” she waits for me to kick off my shoes and hang my coat on the hook and leads me to her couch.

Lauren places her daughter on the floor and Honor immediately uses the coffee table to pull herself up onto her wobbly legs.

“She’s walking?” I watch in amazement as my niece wiggles her little bottom like she wants to take a step, but hasn’t quite figured out how to give the message to her feet yet.

“No, she’s working up to it though. It won’t be long before I’m chasing her all around the house,” she smiles at Honor with the same dreamy gaze I’ve seen come over my mother’s face when she looks at old photo albums of us as girls. Lauren tilts her head and turns her eyes on me, “so, start from the beginning,” she prompts me.

I wipe my eyes with both hands and kick my feet up to the side so I’m nestled into her couch like a mama bird on an egg. “Ok,” I take a deep breath, “so, I’ve been feeling sick and completely wiped out for a while now, but that’s not weird for the time of year or being around kids and their runny noses all day, so I ignored it.” I look at my sister and she’s watching me like she’s reading the subtitles on a foreign film.

“Ok,” she nods.

“Anyway, it started getting worse and I was worried that it might not just be a cold or flu, so I went to Dr. Ling. She said I’m pregnant,” my chest feels tight as I share the news. Saying the words out loud is surreal.

“Really?” I can tell Lauren is still skeptical.

“I didn’t believe her either. I told her she mixed up my results, so she gave me an ultrasound and, oh my gosh, Lauren, I heard the heartbeat. I saw the little bean on the monitor. I’m six weeks pregnant!” I hold my hand over my heart in hopes that I can stop it from bursting out of my chest.

“That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you!” Lauren throws her arms around my neck and squeezes me tight. “What did Cameron say?” She moves back and holds my shoulders with both hands, looking into my eyes.

“I haven’t told him yet. He’s got classes all day and then practice until after supper,” I admit.

“Do you think he’ll take it well? I mean, he doesn’t seem like he’s really ready for all of this, does he?” She frowns and bites her lip nervously. My sister’s eyes flit up to my face and she shakes her head, like she’s trying to fling away her negative thoughts. “Sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying. It doesn’t matter what he thinks anyway, does it? I’ll support you and I know you’re going to be an amazing Mama! I’m so happy for you, Chelsea,” she gives me another quick hug.

“Thanks,” I smile. “I do think Cameron will take it better than you think too. I know he’s got a reputation as a party boy and all that, but honestly, he’s grown up a lot in the past couple months. You’d be surprised by how much he’s matured,” I feel like I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince here, my sister, or me.

“You’d know better than me, of course,” Lauren holds up her hands in surrender. “Like I said, either way, you’ve got me by your side. This is amazing news, I’m so happy for you,” her worries fade away into a genuine smile.

“Thank you,” I look down at my niece, still determinedly wobbling in her small attempt to walk. I can’t wait to give her a cousin to grow up with.

Yet, in the back of my mind, beneath my joy and beneath my conviction that Cameron is a changed man, I can feel a thread of worry sewing through my brain.

Has he changed?

Will he be happy?

For the first time since I got the news, the idea that he might not be as thrilled by this as I am settles into my thoughts. I’m sure he will be. He has changed. He’s grown up and committed to me. I’ve seen him shake off the immaturity of a frat boy quarterback in the past couple of months and grow into a man.

So, why can’t I shake this feeling that what is the absolute best news I’ve ever received in my life might turn into an absolute disaster for us?

B
efore I even make it
to his apartment door, I can hear the thumping bass inside. What the hell is going on in there? The music is so loud that the floor under my feet is vibrating. I don’t remember Cameron telling me about any parties he was planning. I pull out the key he gave me a few weeks ago and unlock the door, cautiously looking inside before I take a single step.

I don’t see the bumping crowd that I expected. None of the guys from the team are enjoying college girls grinding up on them. There’s no keg stands. Nothing.

I step inside, clicking the door shut behind me. My hand hovers protectively over the baby bump that’s still months away. “Hello?” I slowly walk down the hall and into the open concept kitchen and living room. “Hello!”

Cameron pops out of his fridge with two brews in his hand while his brother Jake is leaned over his granite counter, snorting white powder lines up his nose through a bill.

“Oh, hey,” Cameron smiles casually, like his brother the Navy SEAL isn’t inhaling generous lines of coke a couple of feet away. He holds out one of the beers to me, “You want one?”

“No!” I hurl the word at him forcefully, like he should know better. Of course, he doesn’t know anything yet, but that still doesn’t make this scene acceptable.

“Hey Chelsea! Looking good as always. I’m telling ya, you’re one lucky fucker, bro!” Jake yells over the booming music as he slides his hand over my shoulder. Cameron wraps his hand around my waist and leads me away.

“I already know, trust me.” He smiles at me, but I can’t return it. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Is he doing drugs with his brother? What the hell is going on here. He certainly doesn’t seem upset by any of this shit being in his apartment.

“Hey, you wanna turn that music down? It’s crazy loud,” I yell.

Cameron twists his lips disapprovingly, but doesn’t argue. He picks the remote off of his couch and clicks the volume down a few notches. Now he’s gone from eviction levels of noise to just eardrum damage levels. What a treat.

“Better?” He looks at me.

“Sure. Hey, can I talk to you in your room for a minute?” I don’t wait for him to answer. I turn on my heel and march down the hall to his bedroom door. I fling it open and step inside, my arms crossed over my chest.

Cameron joins me a second later, still looking like this is just any other Tuesday. “What’s up?” His eyes search my face.

I want to tell him that I love him. That I’ve just had the most incredible day of my entire life. That I’m carrying his child. Instead, my lips press out flat and my eyes turn to slits. “What is going on in here? You and your brother are doing lines out there? Are you stupid? Why are you even messing with that shit?” Cokehead doesn’t exactly scream stable father to me.

“What? Oh, I’m not touching that crap. It’s Jake’s. He got short notice that he’s going on deployment in three days so he came here to say goodbye and have one last bender before he leaves. No biggie. He’ll be gone for six months, so I wanted to show him a good time tonight.” Cameron shrugs like I just told him Jake took the last beer, instead of like a fully grown ass man who knows his brother is cutting lines of coke on his counter as we speak.

“No biggie? Couldn’t he get kicked out for that shit? And what about you? Why would you risk your career in the NFL over a goodbye party? It doesn’t make sense,” I shake my head.

“You don’t know what it’s like in the military,” Cameron interrupts, “he’s heading out and might not come back in one piece. Or at all for that matter. If he wants to spend one of his last nights here with me cutting loose and doing shit he shouldn’t, then I’m not our mother. I’m not his Commanding Officer, I’m his brother. And I’m not gonna stop him. Why are you being such a Chicken Little about this anyway?” He smiles down at me, like he just said something funny, “Just relax. Have a beer and take a load off.”

“I’m not having a beer and there’s no way I’m sitting around here with Jake snorting shit up his nose.” Cameron’s right, I don’t get this. Any of it. I don’t know how Cameron can go from being the man I can easily picture the rest of my life with and the father of our child, to an overgrown party boy with a wild streak. This isn’t the man I need in my life. In our child’s life.

“Oh come on, lighten up will ya? I know how I can get you to relax,” he murmurs and leans in to kiss me.

“No.” My word is a complete sentence.

“What is wrong with you tonight? You want me to go tell off my brother? Or send him on his way? I’m not doing it. I don’t agree with what he’s putting into his body any more than you do, but I’m not gonna make a big thing of it before he heads off for half a year.” Cameron steps back and holds up his hands like he’s fending off an attack.

“Fine, I’ve gotta go. If you decide to grow up and stop acting like frat boys ten years younger than you, maybe you can give me a call tomorrow.” My words almost scald my tongue.

“Oh, Chelsea, come on,” Cameron tries to grasp my elbow, but I throw it back and break his hold, marching back down his hall.

“Hey Chelsea!” Jake cries as I reach the kitchen, but I don’t look at him. I keep walking straight to the door, “Bye Chelsea!” He yells behind me as I slam it shut.