Grin and Bear It: How to Be Happy No Matter What Reality Throws Your Way (8 page)

When Jeff finished, I simply responded by saying, “Mistakes happen.”

He replied, “Mistakes
don’t
happen if you’re good at your job.”

This was an instance where staying silent worked well. I knew I could easily get the number, but at that point, it wasn’t about the number anymore.

I’ve spent years allowing other people the opportunity to “help” me feel bad about myself. Of course, you can’t stop someone from forming a negative opinion of you. But just because a person doesn’t like you or doesn’t approve of something you’ve done, they’re not necessarily right, and their perspective is not necessarily accurate.

Maybe you have to look at your boss or the other people around you with a clearer lens. And if things do get rough, holding some type of grudge for the way you’ve been treated really does make it nearly impossible for things to ever get better. If there’s been tension between you and someone else, step back and do a reality check. Ask yourself or others if you’re acting negative. And don’t fear the response. If you’re running around with a chip on your shoulder, drop the attitude—and I mean fast—or before you know it, you’ll be working the unemployment line.

With a demanding boss, there will often be something they will zero in on to create havoc. It can be something as simple as not lining up the water bottles in the refrigerator perfectly straight with the label side facing out or the way you deal with a vendor for not shipping an order on time, which isn’t your fault, but it is your problem. I find the best way to take my thoughts off the negativity that sometimes swirls about is to focus on something productive.

Whenever I feel a rampage coming on in the office, I go back to my desk, the job site, or wherever I need to be to do my work. Instead of creating a firestorm, I do the following:

  1.  Take a deep breath.

  2.  Identify the problem.

  3.  Keep the focus on solving the problem.

  4.  Recognize that even a small step in the right direction can change everything.

  5.  Remember that problems are the breakfast of champions!

In other words, I get effective, not emotional!

Tomorrow I could lose my job. That’s a fact. But I’ll never lose the knowledge I’ve gained in design, building, and real estate. I try to focus on thinking like that to keep me inspired. Plus, I remind myself often that I love the people I work with—including Jeff and Zoila, who always says what everyone else is thinking.

I’ve learned that a boss is not a parent or a dispenser of unconditional love. I no longer go into work with the expectation of looking for compliments, praise, or acknowledgment for the things I’ve done. I know I’m doing my job well, and don’t sit back waiting for someone to tell me that in order to feel worthy. Your boss has a job to do and you have a job to do.

One thing I discovered on the job is that the more demanding I got in my need to be praised or receive credit for the things I’d done, the less I got it and the more disappointed I became. It was a vicious cycle, one that didn’t serve me on the job or as a struggling up-and-coming wannabe actress. Thinking back, I bet that if I had just prepared myself to have a great audition regardless of the outcome, then probably I would have landed more roles earlier. But at that time, my ego was way out of check and I believed my talent was huge. It was all I needed to succeed. In the early days, I thought I could go in and just wing it, and someone would simply hand me a role because I was me! I was looking for someone to give me a career, a director to give me a performance, connected friends to give me jobs. It was a theme that kept repeating itself. (Repeatedly, Kathleen called me a “get monkey” and I would give her the finger. Actually, two fingers as I used both hands.)

Though I didn’t really know this at the time, when it came to everything I was doing, I spent years running instead of learning to bloom where I was planted. But I finally learned the true meaning of that phrase. Some people attribute this quote to the Bible while others say it’s merely a gardening tip. I translate it like this: If you don’t have what you feel is the perfect home, perfect relationship, or the perfect job make the best of what you have while you can. Blooming where you are planted can lead you to a much better future.

When your focus and commitment are off, don’t expect things to work.

Case in point: When Jeff’s design business really began to skyrocket, he was offered the opportunity to design the “kitchen of the year” for
House Beautiful.
The editor of the magazine asked Jeff to come to New York to design a kitchen that would be on display at 30 Rock … an address written in my heart since 1975. It’s a huge honor and was a milestone for Jeff and his career. I thought he would ask me to come to New York to help.

He didn’t.

I offered to pay my own way.

He still said no.

I felt rejected and upset by what I felt was his dismissal of my contributions that had helped get him to this exciting place. Jeff knew all these years that while I was working for him, I still wanted a full-time career as an actress. With only one foot in on most everything I was doing, how could I be giving him my all? His way of letting me know that was to exclude me from going to New York. I accepted his decision, but I wasn’t happy about it. Yet, I still had to go to work and put on a happy face. But Jeff finally realized how upset I was and that I actually understood where he was coming from, and he changed his mind.

“I thought about it and I would really like you to come to New York,” he said.

“Really?”

“Yes, and don’t make me change my mind. And whatever you do … no hugs.”

So of course I hugged him … maybe too hard.

On day three of our week at Rockefeller Center, Jeff threw out his back and was unable to attend a few of the events. I was asked to represent Jeff Lewis Design. In the end, it worked out that I was there and he was thankful and appreciative. I believe Jeff knows that no matter what, he can count on me to have his back—even his bad back.

It took me a while, but I finally realized that if I wanted to achieve the kind of results I was seeking, I had to make a commitment to the things I said, wanted, and cared about, which changed everything.

MY CRASH COURSE IN COMMITMENT

  1.  Stop the talk. Start the walk.

  2.  Stop saying “I can’t find the time.” Find it.

  3.  Do the things you don’t want to do to make the things you want, happen.

  4.  Find happiness in the little victories along the way.

  5.  There is always another mountain, another obstacle. Make peace with that.

I wasted so many years looking at the glass as half empty. Now, thankfully, I see it as half full.

4

Nanny-Cam Diaries

The first season of
Flipping Out
was only six episodes. Our ratings were good enough to get us picked up for a second season. It also got Jeff and I booked on
Nightline.
I had gone from being a struggling actress, to an unknown assistant, to sitting on the set of one of the most popular late-night network news programs—talking about our little show. At the time, Jeff had bought the house that Paris Hilton had been renting but had moved from after he made the purchase. Her mail continued to be delivered there long after she was gone. I confess one particular package was impossible to resist because of the return label. So I opened it. It was sexy lingerie. C’mon! Paris Hilton? The girl who says to “live every day like it’s your birthday.” At the end of the
Nightline
interview, overcome with this top-tier recognition, I announced I had stolen Paris Hilton’s panties. The host’s face was one of total horror. There were a few seconds when he seemed at a loss for words. It wasn’t my best moment, but it sure did get something I longed for—attention!

After the show aired, I got an immediate call from my mother.

“Oh, Jennifer, talking about stealing panties? How am I going to explain this to the ladies in the church bookstore on Sunday? You better go to confession.”

Just my luck, she managed to watch the right channel this time.

Not long after my great panty heist revelation, I appeared on an MSNBC news show with Jeff to talk about the housing market. I went to the studio unaware that I’d be asked to sit in on the interview. I was wearing a short white dress that was very sheer under the bright studio lights, so I quickly removed my underwear so no one could see them on camera. I was horrified to discover that we would be sitting on a stool, where one wrong move could turn me into the Sharon Stone of home design. Luckily, I kept my knees locked tight and got through the interview without anyone realizing I had done it commando.

Coincidentally, the naked truth about my marriage was about to be exposed. Although Chris had doubts about the show when it started, by the second season he had decided to work hard and embrace the experience. I believed he was all in. By then, Chris had been promoted to house manager, and Jeff had hired a second assistant to work under Chris. We were on a major cable network and
Flipping Out
was being watched by millions of viewers—and growing—every week. Everything was going great—or so I thought.

Unbeknownst to me, Jeff had some suspicions about Chris and his commitment to work. Zoila, Jeff’s faithful housekeeper, had taken Jeff aside and privately told him that she caught Chris going into Jeff’s office when he wasn’t there. Chris’s job required him to do many things, but there was nothing that would have kept him on Jeff’s private computer for extended periods. Jeff had always made it abundantly clear to everyone who worked at his home/office that no one should ever use his personal computer. There was no gray area on this. And I began to notice that Jeff was repeating this rule more often than usual, as if he was dropping hints to everyone that he knew something we didn’t. Of course, I couldn’t imagine the real reason he kept mentioning the same thing over and over, but it was obvious something was going on.

Chris also began asking to leave work early more often than usual. Jeff began to have suspicions that Chris wasn’t actually going on auditions. But I gave Jeff my word that Chris would never lie. In the privacy of our home, I asked Chris if he was doing anything out of line, or using Jeff’s computer when he wasn’t supposed to. He assured me he would never do anything to disrespect Jeff like that, and I believed him. Chris must have known that Zoila watched everything that goes on around Jeff’s house. We all knew she is his eyes and ears in his absence, but I guess Chris never believed Zoila would say anything to Jeff. He guessed wrong. She felt that Chris was neglecting his responsibilities and taking advantage of his position. To confirm Zoila’s accusations, Jeff installed a hidden security camera so he could see for himself what Chris was doing.

Jeff never said a word to anyone about the cameras. Besides, we were all so used to cameras being around during the day filming
Flipping Out,
that no one would have thought anything of it if they were spotted. Jeff collected tapes for weeks before he came to me with what he saw.

Thankfully, Jeff chose to break the news to me in private about what he’d recorded. And when he finally did take me aside, it was as if he could no longer keep what he knew to himself. Out of concern for my reaction, he told the Bravo camera crew to stay outside while he and I spoke. I was nervous because he’d never done that before. I wasn’t sure what was happening.

He explained that Chris had been spending hours using his personal computer for things unrelated to work. To this day, Jeff has spared me the details of everything he discovered and to be candid, I really didn’t want to know. What I do know is Zoila was right—Chris was not working the way he said he was. I refused to accept that Chris would ever betray Jeff in that way, even swearing on my life that there had to be some misunderstanding. But there wasn’t.

Jeff told me about the hidden camera and then pointed to it up in the corner of his office where we were standing, and explained that everything had been recorded and documented.

I fell to the floor in total disbelief. It felt as if someone had cut my strings. And then I began to cry.

Upon hearing me wail, Zoila came into the room and held me as I sobbed.

“Please don’t ruin his life!” I pleaded with Jeff.

I couldn’t believe what was happening. I know in my heart Jeff took zero satisfaction or had a single moment of joy in breaking this news to me. He felt terrible. But he also knew if he didn’t show me the proof he had, I would never have believed him.

He was right about that, too. There was no denying the evidence.

A part of me wondered why Jeff let this go on as long as he did, but I also knew he had to protect his business and his privacy. So he had to be careful and be sure before telling me what had been going on. When I calmed down, Jeff said he was going to fire Chris, and out of respect for me, he wanted to tell me first.

“You know I have to fire him, right?” Jeff said, stating the obvious.

This was one of those unforgettable dark moments where reality turned into insanity. I looked up at the hidden camera and wondered, “Is this what I helped construct? Did I want to be famous so bad that I allowed this to happen?”

In an ironic twist of fate, earlier that same week, Chris and I had been told that there was a possibility that the original show based on our
Wannabes
concept could go forward after all. We were excited by the prospect, but suddenly the bottom had fallen out from beneath my feet. I never saw it coming.

I got into my car and drove to the safety of Kathleen’s house. In that moment, it was the only place I could think of going. Home was out of the question. I was too mad, hurt, and vulnerable. I don’t really remember the drive. It was as if I was having an out-of-body experience. I couldn’t believe what was happening. There were a million questions racing through my mind as I drove: