GRIT (The Silver Nitrate Series Book 2) (16 page)

Some of the people shook their head in sympathy while others stared in disbelief.

‘My mother got tested, found out she was recently pregnant at the same time and got an abortion. She and my father were no longer the same after this. He left the house for a while, actually. He died a few months after his diagnosis. This was back in the day, okay? They didn’t have all these medications they have out now. It was basically a death sentence, a painful death sentence at that. Some people were still hooked to this idea that having this disease meant you were a drug user or gay. And in my culture,’ he said, pointing to himself, ‘the Iroquois culture, we just weren’t having these discussions. What I knew about HIV came from school, and I’m thankful for that because I understood how the disease was contracted, how it spread, and how to help prevent it.

‘I was also one of the few guys I knew who, when I became sexually active, was using condoms 100% of the time. I’d been scared straight. Every time I was in a sexual situation, if for some reason I didn’t have anything on me, which was rare, I would go get some or just not do anything at all. I never trusted the chick enough to use hers. I saw how some women could be, poking holes in them… happened to a couple friends of mine, who became teen fathers due to that. I was cautious, fearful I’d end up like my parents. My grandparents raised me and I didn’t know right away what had really happened to my parents… how they’d died.

“I was told they were sick. That was true, but nobody wanted to get into the grimy details and I was too young to really question how the story wasn’t adding up. Well, I found out the truth, and it was confirmed, but my grandfather still wouldn’t disclose the whole story because of the shame that came along with that. He was old school, right? Seneca Nation to him is like royalty. There’s just some shit we don’t do… and my mother had done the unthinkable. She didn’t die from AIDS. She didn’t give it a chance to happen, for the disease to eat her up alive. No. She offed herself.”

Silver grabbed his hand, tears rolling down her face. He was standing there so strong, standing so straight, and sounding so…at ease. So, she cried for him on his behalf.

“She took my father’s gun and blew her brains out. I was at school, and she didn’t go to work this particular day. She dropped me off and gave me a kiss goodbye, just like always. When I think back on that morning, I barely recall it. The thing that stood out though was that her eyes were all red, like she’d been crying. School was over and I didn’t get picked up, so my maternal grandmother came and got me after calls to my mother went unanswered.

“We got to the house; my grandmother walked in and called out to her. She went in the back bedroom, opened the door, and screamed. I was right behind her, but she pushed me back just in time so I wouldn’t see her… I know about the metallic odor of blood because of that. Some strange smell lingered in the air. I didn’t know what it was, but I realized this many years later.

“My mother didn’t know how to live without my father. She didn’t know how to live with the fact that he’d disrespected her like that, either. She didn’t know how to live with a disease that everyone told her she’d die from. She didn’t know how to take care of me and be okay at the same time, either. So, she’d had enough and decided to not even try anymore. I was angry about my father more than with her, but still, I felt degrees of anger at them both. I was even mad at my grandparents, too, which made no sense at all. I was mad at women, mad at men, mad at humanity…mad at myself, too… I was mad at the whole damn world.

“I thought I’d healed from all of that. Well, healed is the wrong word. I thought I was handling it just fine… by not thinking about it at all. That’s what I’d do, you know? Shit that made me upset, I just wouldn’t think about it. If something happened at a club, like we got stiffed, I’d try to get past it because my temper sometimes scared me, especially when I was younger and had less self-control. If a woman I was seein’ started acting in a way I didn’t like and I decided to end the relationship, I would just do it, and do it fast so it wouldn’t upset me… But then, I met Silver.” He glanced down at her then back at the crowd. “…And she upset me.” He drew quiet, let go of her to clasp his hands together, and rocked back and forth, staring at his feet.

“Being in a band like Pure Grit gets you attention, especially from women. I just don’t get rejected.” He shrugged. “Usually, after a drink or two, the woman and I would go somewhere, her place or mine or maybe a hotel, and take care of our business. And it would be cool, you know?” He scratched the side of his nose. “But, this woman here, she threw me for a loop.” His tone drew serious. “I could see her across the way, right?” He pointed out before him, as if reliving the situation. “She looked like a damn dream, just standing there in a haze… It was the first time in a long time that someone actually made me stare like that, made me pause and think… I thought for sure I’d just walk up to her and just like that, I’d get her in bed. Instead, she was mean as hell.” The room erupted in laughter, including them.

“She was… it was awful, man… I got defensive; I was pissed. Especially because after I got close to her, I saw she looked even better than she did from afar. She was earthy, real, authentic. She was something special. I deserved what happened. I believe that in retrospect. I’ve been disrespectful to women… my Mawmaw and mother would’ve been disappointed in me. She didn’t want to be used; she had a right to not want to be used. I’m not convinced she needed to be as harsh as she was and yeah, I was a little butthurt over it, but something happened that night, something kind of strange. I was upset… and I STAYED upset.

“Like I said, I just don’t sit with that emotion.” His eyes narrowed as he scanned the room. “It doesn’t live with me. But, that night I went home and thought about her, and I got pissed again. I really wanted to talk to her. I didn’t think I’d ever see her again, for she was an opportunity lost. I stayed mad for at least another day or so, and that surprised me, too. But what happened then?” He smiled as he bit into his lower lip. “I ran into her again by coincidence and this time, she stepped to ME!”

Everyone burst out laughing and clapping, and he seemed to enjoy entertaining them, even if it was at his expense.

“Yeah… and now, here we are… together. I love this woman. She pushes me to be the best man I can be. Not only is she amazingly beautiful, she is so damn smart… the type of intelligence that is soooo sexy. She’s my baby.”

‘Awwww,’ someone said.

“Because we’re so much alike, we bump heads sometimes, but in this case, it’s good for me… it’s good for us. Headstrong people just living life, you know? And here I am at this meeting, wanting to tell her the rest of what happened… what I hadn’t told her before. Not because I couldn’t. Not because I was afraid of her reaction, but out of respect for my mother’s family. No one was supposed to talk about this. It’s a source of shame… but I’m done hiding it, and I’m not ashamed of my mother. She was sick, she was hurting, she was told she was going to die. Her husband had just passed away, she was suddenly a single mother and she was being shunned and judged by her close friends and family. Suddenly, no one wanted to drink after her anymore…

‘People wouldn’t use her bathroom. She was getting into fights with people about me—they were saying I probably had it, too… didn’t want to babysit me anymore while she went out to look for a second job. After all the damn work she and my father had done for the community, they turned their damn backs on her. Now, she was no longer Talise; she was ‘that bitch with AIDS…’”

Instantly, it became more than obvious that Zenith was pissed as hell. The memories were rolling back to him, things he’d tucked and stored away, things that made him upset, made him feel, made him reel with anger and despair.

“My parents were good parents!” He quickly swiped at his eye and continued. “They deserved respect. My father fucked up! But he loved me and he loved his people; he loved people, period. I will never know why he did what he did, but it only takes one damn time to slip up and ruin lives. A drunk driver could go out here tonight, having never been intoxicated before, and kill an innocent person—simply because he chose to drink and drive. A lady could be upset with her husband, lose her cool, throw something at him and accidentally kill him. A father could run into their house because they forgot something, leaving his little girl inside the car, and someone could pull up and take her. People. Fuck. Up! We’re human!” He wiped another tear away as a few group members began to clap and nod in agreement.

“It’s a learning process… that’s what it is. Life is an obstacle course. Some days we get it right; some days we are lucky we survived. I’m learning to be okay with being upset. I don’t like how it makes me look, makes me feel, but now I know it’s alright to feel the shit, to not try to hide it by sticking my head in the sand or ignoring it. I would disregard it by taking all the gigs I could. I had to stay busy. I work so damn hard, had to keep moving, had to keep busy, had to keep running from my pain. I was always on my grind. Grind is a word thrown around for what I do for work, too. See, I’m a welder. I’m proud to be a welder. I’m good at it, and though it’s hard work, it releases stress for me.

“I like taking one thing and turning it into something else, like a woman filled with guilt, giving her someone she can trust and love… turn the bad into something good, something useful. But there are some rules when it comes to welding—like not grinding down welds that are used for structural apparatuses. It weakens the object… messes up the transition. Without getting too technical, if there is a specific leg length for a table, for instance, and sufficient throat thickness, then that means your weld will transfer energy efficiently between the two pieces you’re putting together, the way it was intended.

“If you go too far, though, in either direction, making it too dipped or arched, you weaken the pieces and cause stress points. It can be a serious mistake, such as for instance, when you’re involved in building a bridge
.
You put everyone’s life at risk—everyone driving across that bridge—by doing some stuff like that. Grind… yeah, it means different things, right? On one hand, grind means working your ass off. Grind also has sexual meaning.” He shot a glance at Silver and winked, causing a round of laughter. “And lastly, it means what I just said, to break down, to flatten, to basically crush or cut away at something. I was grindin’ alright… grinding myself away, grinding my feelings away… not taking responsibility for all the shit inside of me that was festering and waiting to explode.

‘The problem is, if you grind something too much, there’s nothing left. You can’t bring it back. Once a person is gone, they’re gone. I tried to grind away the memories that haunted me, I tried to grind away the fact that I was not having successful relationships with women because I honestly didn’t trust them… and nine times out of ten, it didn’t have shit to do with them, what they’d done or hadn’t done. It was mainly about me and my paranoia. I grinded away everything that had the potential to make me upset, not understanding that being upset has to happen—it just does! And then, Silver, being the woman that she is, being me in female form as far as I’m concerned, made me face myself. I couldn’t lie to her; she already knew me, because she knew herself. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore, either. Actually, I wasn’t lying to myself; I just didn’t care. But now I do…

‘I got a new gig now. My new grind is to take care of ME, but in order to do that, I had to look at the people who made me… my parents. I had to accept that they were gone, not because they truly wanted to be, but because shit happened. No matter what either of them did, they were still my parents, and I know they loved me, and… I loved them, too. Thanks for listening to me today, everybody.” He took his seat. “I greatly appreciate it.”

The room erupted with applause as he smiled, ever so shyly. She leaned over and kissed his cheek, and then she realized he was shaking. That calm demeanor was all an act.

Zenith’s confession had pushed him to a place he’d never been, and though it had certainly proved cathartic, her baby was a mess, holding on by the skin of his teeth.

Silver pushed herself out of her thoughts and looked at her computer monitors, sinking back into work, the order of the day. In her brief sadness, a smile creased her face once a new realization came to pass…

Zenith wasn’t falling apart. He was contained. The shaking didn’t signal a breakdown, but a breakthrough. He was on his grind, all right.

A grind of self-discovery, a treasure trove of self worth…

…And she was relieved to see that Zenith finally realized, that he greater than any challenge that came his way…