Guardian (The Guardian Trilogy) (32 page)

I am on
a mission to give this certain person a piece of my mind.  I jump out of the
car and leave everything behind, but myself.  I won’t be long.  I walk up the
sidewalk with my hands clenched in fists. 

When I
reach his door, I pound on it, then stand with my arms crossed, looking
around.  I notice a doorbell.  I press it twice and hear it ring inside.  I
look around again and spot his car in the lot.  He should be here.

After
what seems like forever, I hear the deadbolt drop and watch the doorknob turn. 
Dane opens the door wide and stares at me.  “Yes?” he asks.  He looks pissed.

“Oh
no,” I shake my head and glare at him.  “You don’t get to be mad!  I’m the one
who gets to be mad!  How dare you?  How could you even think that?  Especially
after what Mrs. Davis said to me!  You were there!  How could you –”

In one
smooth motion he cradles my head and brings his mouth down hard on mine.  I
lose my breath as his lips move against me, forming my mouth to his.  He wraps his
other arm around my waist and holds me tight.  My heart pounds as my body warms;
I feel myself melting beneath his touch.  I search for that little part of my
brain that registers logic and reason.  I can’t find it.

He
breathes against my lips.  “Do you want to come inside?”

My body
has disconnected from my mind.  I curl one hand around his neck and cover his
mouth with mine, pressing myself against him.  He takes this as a yes and moves
us off the porch, over the threshold, and into his place.  He shuts the door
behind us, never once breaking our connection.

He leads
and I follow, drawn like a magnet.  We stop in the center of the room, near the
couch, and his hands trace my spine.  He catches my bottom lip between his
teeth and I can feel the sensation all the way to my toes.  I clutch at his
shoulders and run my hands over his chest to grab at the bottom of his shirt. 
Clenching it in my fists, I slide his shirt up only to get it caught under his
arms.  His mouth and his hands leave me as he steps back.  He pulls his shirt
over his head and tosses it aside, then returns to me, his eyes searching mine.

“Emma,”
my name sounds heavy and stuck in his throat.  “Are you sure you want this?”

My eyes
roam his toned chest until I find the small, red, inflamed line where he had
his stitches.  I take a step closer to him and reach out to run my finger
across the mark.  His breath catches in response and I whisper “Yes” almost
inaudibly.  I may have lost the ability to speak.

It
doesn’t matter because he hears me loud and clear.  He hooks his fingers into my
waistline, pulling me to him.  He wraps his other hand behind my neck as his
mouth discovers the skin there.  After a moment his lips move to my ear. 
“Jump.”

I’m
confused until I feel his hands move around my back and then under me.  I tighten
my arms around his neck and pull myself higher, wrapping my legs around his
waist.  I bury my face in his neck as he carries me across the room and up the
stairs.  We turn and when we reach his bed, his arms relax and I slide down his
body to sit in front of him.  We stare at each other intently for a moment, and
I try to calm my pounding heart.  Is this what I really want?  My body is
screaming yes, but my conscience is starting to wake up and take notice.

Dane
leans over and finds my neck, trailing kisses down my throat, and silencing my
inner voice.  He moves against me, pressing me back, and I push myself along
the mattress, toward the head of the bed.  As he crawls over my body, I lose my
fingers in his hair and pull his mouth to mine again.  He obliges my silent
request, balancing himself over me on his knees.  His hands find the bottom of
my shirt as he kisses me, lifting it to my shoulders, and when his mouth leaves
mine I feel his lips against my chest.  My eyes pop open.  My conscience is
screaming.

“Stop,”
I whisper as he moves to kiss me again.  “I’m sorry.  Stop.”

He
freezes immediately.

I push
myself back and partially out from under him, pulling my shirt down over my
body.  I focus on his face.  “I’m sorry,” I say again, my voice full of remorse. 
“I can’t.”

He
closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and then opens them again.  “I
understand.”  He leans over to kiss my forehead before moving to the side to
lie down on his back.  He folds his hands against his stomach and turns to look
at me.

I start
to get up.  “I should leave.”

“No.” 
He reaches across my body to pull me back into place.  “Stay with me.”

I give
him a wary look, but find myself turning toward him.  He wraps his arms around
me as I slide over to lie against him.  “Thank you for not being angry,” I
murmur against his chest.

He
kisses the top of my head and presses me to his side.

No
other words pass between us.  He holds me tight as I’m lulled to sleep by the
sound of his beating heart.

Warmth
on my face awakens me.  I lean into it subconsciously, moving my body toward
it.  I realize I feel skin beneath my cheek and my eyes snap open.  I lift my
head to find myself wrapped around Dane, one leg and one arm draped across him,
my head at his shoulder.

“Good
morning,” he says, giving me a small smile.

I
squint as I look around the room.  “What time is it?”

“Early.” 
He has one arm circled around me which he moves to run his fingers lightly
along my arm.

I catch
the numbers of his alarm clock.  5:48.  I try to sit up and Dane tightens his
arm around me to keep me in place.

“Where
are you going?”

“I have
to get home.”  I’m sure my family is freaking out that I didn’t come home last
night.

His
eyes soften.  “Stay.”

I search
his face and memories of last night flood my vision.  My heart clenches.  “I
can’t.”

“Don’t
over think this,” he says gently.

“I’m
not.”  I try to sit up again and this time he lets me.

He
leans up on one elbow.  “You are.”

I shake
my head.  “You forget, I have people at home who will be wondering where I am.”

He
gives me a defeated look then turns to swing his legs off the side of the bed,
allowing me room to slide off and stand.

“Bathroom?”
I ask.

He nods
toward the door and I move to open it, stepping into the small hallway at the
top of the stairs.  There’s a room across from me that looks like an office;
framed pictures hang on the wall above a computer desk.  I look to my right and
see another doorway.  I enter the bathroom, find the light switch, and seclude
myself.  I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror that stops me short.  I
rest my hands against the countertop and stare at my reflection.  Who is this
person?  Do I even know her anymore?

After I
finish, I find Dane leaning against the wall in the hallway.  “Everything all
right?”

I nod
quickly.  I walk past him and down the stairs as he follows me.  I come across
one of my sandals at the base of the stairs and bend to pick it up.  I search
for the other and find it a small distance away.  I walk over and grab it. 
Holding my shoes by the straps with one hand, I make my way to leave.

“Emma,”
Dane says behind me.

I close
my eyes and then turn toward him.

He
steps forward and places his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eye.  His
face is full of concern, his hazel eyes pleading.  “Please don’t regret what
happened.  Because I don’t.  I know that it seems soon, but I think…I think I’m
falling in lov…”

I press
my fingers to his lips, so he will stop speaking.  He can’t say that he loves
me.  Not now.  Because I don’t know if I can say it back.  I need some space. 
So I can think.  So I can process all of this.  I step up and raise my chin to
kiss him.  He bends down and plants a soft kiss on my lips which starts to grow
into something more.  I can’t let that happen.  Not right now.

“I have
to go.”

He
looks at me and then takes me into his arms.  He says nothing, only kisses my
hair.  When he releases me, I give him a weak smile and turn toward the door.  Stepping
outside, I notice the sun trying to make its way above the horizon as I head
down the sidewalk and to my car.

Slamming
the door behind me, I look over to the passenger seat.  I take my phone out of
my purse.  I have missed text messages.  All from Shel.

Is
everything okay?

Where
are you?

I’m
trying not to panic.  I will assume you are with Dane.

CALL ME
WHEN YOU GET THIS!!

I
sigh and put the phone down as tears cloud my vision.  I start the car to make
my way home.  I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die.

I stare
out over the golf course with my chin resting on the cart steering wheel.  It’s
been three days since I’ve seen him.  I feel like I’ve been in a daze ever
since.  When I try to sort out my feelings, my mind runs in endless circles.  So,
this morning, I decided to give up for now and just be a zombie.  With Shel
gone and between finishing up this last week of work and packing my things to
move back to Western, I should be able to keep my mind off what happened.

Yeah,
right.

Who am
I kidding?  He’s all I think about.

When
Shel interrogated me after that night, I did a pretty good job of convincing
her all that happened was a lengthy argument and apology.  I got lucky when I went
home; my parents were still asleep, allowing me to sneak into my room.  When I
play back what happened, my feelings vacillate.  I remember his hands on me and
my heart races.  I remember his kiss, his smile, every kind thing he’s done for
me, and I have a hard time breathing.  Then the guilt kicks in as James’ face
flashes before my eyes, twisting my heart and killing my high from the possibility
of Dane loving me.  I can’t even bring myself to think about the likelihood
that James physically saw what took place.  Every time I do, tears immediately
jump behind my eyes, and I feel my soul turn inside out.  I still love him. 
But I have some very strong feelings for someone else, too.

My
phone goes off, disrupting my thoughts.

Are you
avoiding me? 
It’s Dane.

Yes. 
No.

We need
to talk.

 
I
sigh.  I know. 
Go ahead.

In
person.

 Can’t. 
Working.

When do
you get off?

6 but
have plans tonight with Mike and Kate.

Tomorrow?

6 but
will be packing and having dinner with parents.

Friday?

5. 
Still packing.

You’re
being impossible.

I’m not
trying to be.

Saturday? 
Do you still want me to help you move?

I can’t
leave without seeing him.  I don’t want to leave without seeing him.
  Yes.

What
time?

Whatever
works for you.

He
shows up at noon.  I’m helping to lift a box into the bed of my dad’s truck
when he pulls up.  My pulse instantaneously picks up, and I feel my ears grow
hot.  I focus on maintaining my composure as he gets out of the car and walks
toward me.

“Dane,”
my dad greets him with a genuine smile.  He will be forever grateful for what
he did for his little girl.

“Mr.
Donohue,” Dane smiles at him.  His smile fades slightly as he nods toward me. 
“Emma.”

“Hey,”
I respond quietly.

My dad
looks between us and his expression registers that he knows something is up.  “I’ll
go help your mother sort through those extra dishes for you,” he says as he
steps down from the bed of the truck.  He smiles at both of us as he heads to
the house.

Dane
walks up to me slowly.  “Where can we talk?”

I
gesture for him to follow me, and we walk into the backyard.  He takes my hand
as we head out to my mother’s flower garden where there’s a small bench.  I sit
down and he sits beside me, our legs touching.

“I’ve
missed you,” he says sincerely.

“I’ve
missed you, too.”

His
eyes search mine.  “How can we make this work?”

I look
down and shake my head.  “I don’t know.”

“It’s
because you still have feelings for him, right?” he gently squeezes my hand.  “I
understand that, I do.  But you can’t feel bad.  You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“I know,”
I say quietly.  “There’s a huge part of me that wants this, wants you,” I look
up at him.  “But these other feelings…the guilt.  I can’t escape it.  It hurts.”

We sit
in silence, his hand holding mine.  Eventually, he takes a deep breath and
speaks.  “I’m willing to help you through it, if you’ll let me.”  He looks me
squarely in the eyes.  “The last thing I want to do is pressure you, but time
is running out and there’s something I need to deal with.  I need you to give
me an answer.  Do you want me?  Do you think you could ever love me?  Because if
the answer is yes, I’m willing to wait.  However long it takes.”

I want
to tell him yes.  So badly.  But the truth is I have no idea how long it will
take me to get over James, especially if it’s decided that he can handle
visiting me.  If he even wants to visit me.  Does Dane deserve that?  To sit
around, waiting for me to make up my mind, indefinitely?  No.  Not when he’s
already given me so much.  What if I never get over James?  That’s not fair to
him.

“I
can’t give you an answer right now.  I’m sorry.”

He
clutches my hand tightly and then lets it go.  He stands to face me.  “Why?” he
demands.  “Why is this so hard for you?”

I damn
the tears that spring into my eyes.  He’s never been angry with me before, and
I stare at him confused.

“Yes or
no Emma, it’s that simple,” he says, frustrated.

My
voice cracks.  “It’s not fair to make you wait.”

He
crouches down before me.  “But I’m willing to.  Don’t you see?”

No, I
don’t see.  Why should he do that for me?  If I say yes, the possibility of
breaking his heart in the future is very real; the closer we grow the more
painful it will be.  I would never want to do that to him.  No.  As much as it
kills me, I realize what I should have done weeks ago.

“No,” I
barely whisper.

“What?”

“No,” I
look him in the eyes as I feel tears escape mine.  “My answer is no.”

His
face fills with disbelief and confusion.  He looks so devastated that I have to
resist the urge to hold him.  My tears start to fall faster as I come to grips
with the fact that I am causing him this pain.  He stands slowly, staring at me
as if he doesn’t know me.

“I’m so
sorry,” I say through my tears.  “But I told you from the beginning that we
could only be friends…”

His
eyes flash at my last word, changing his sad expression to one of anger.  “Friends? 
Are you kidding me?”  He looks away, but then immediately turns back.  “We
could never be just friends!”  He pauses and leans toward me, his eyes hard.  “What
happened the other night…what was that?  Last time I checked that’s not what
friends do.”

Ouch. 
I close my eyes to block out his face for a moment.  When I open them he’s
turned away from me with his hands on his hips.  He shakes his head in
disbelief and curses under his breath.

A car
turns into the driveway, distracting us.  We both look up to see Matt pull in
and park.  I hastily wipe at my face with my hands.  What is he doing here?

Matt
sees us and heads in our direction.  When he gets close, he can tell something
is wrong, and his walk slows.

“Hey
guys,” he says cautiously.  “I just stopped over to say goodbye before you
left.”  He looks past Dane and at me.

My gaze
falls everywhere, but directly on his face.  I try to force a small smile.

Dane
walks up to Matt and stops.  “I’m headed to the airport.  Teags will be here in
a few hours.”

“Teags?”
Matt asks, surprised.

Dane
looks at me over his shoulder with a twisted expression.  “Apparently I’m not needed
anymore.”  He turns back to Matt.  “I’m out.”

Matt
looks confused as he watches Dane leave.  “Call me later, man,” he says to his retreating
figure and then looks at me, worried.  We both watch Dane get into his car.  When
he backs out and turns into the street, he guns it, squealing his tires and
making me jump.

Matt stares
at me.  “What in the hell happened?”

I
try to keep it together, but a sob has been building in my chest.  I hold my
head in my hands and cry as Matt tries to comfort me as best he can.

I’ve been
in my new apartment at Western for a few days, and I’m still trying to decide
where things should go.  I don’t have much, but I want to be as organized as
possible before classes begin.  Plus, I’d like to go out and get some stuff to
make the place a little homier.  Granted, I’m being an over achiever, but I
don’t have much else to do with my time.

It’s
very quiet around me now.  I check in with my parents daily, since they are
still concerned about me being so far away on my own.  I keep reminding them
that this town is nothing new for me, just the physical location of my
residence.  I’ve met three of my four “roommates” if you will; one girl,
Samantha, shares apartment one with her boyfriend Todd, and Jessica, a girl in
apartment three.  I haven’t met the person in four yet, but Jessica tells me
she thinks it’s a guy.  And then there’s me, alone in two.  Other than speaking
briefly to my new housemates, the only other friend I’ve talked to is Shel, after
I received the following text when I moved in: