Handle Me with Care (24 page)

‘You know, I never imagined for one second that you’d have trouble finding another man to love.’ Caitlin pulled an old-fashioned handkerchief from her bag and dabbed at her eyes. ‘I hate myself for what I did to you.’

‘Don’t be daft. I’m responsible for myself. I’m a big girl now and I should’ve known that you didn’t mean what you said. You didn’t even get to bury your son, and I hope to God I never ever find out what that’s like.’

‘Maddie, I—’

‘Just words, Caitlin. I know they were just words, and I know that you would never wish for that either.’

Maddie’s eyes followed the turquoise embroidery around the edge of the handkerchief that Caitlin was holding. ‘You still have it.’

Caitlin looked down at the delicate flowers scattered across the material. ‘It reminds me of you. I remember you bought it for me that first Christmas after you started to date Riley. Oh, your face was a picture that Christmas Eve. You were so nervous that I wouldn’t like my present, or that we wouldn’t like you – Riley told me – but you couldn’t have been more wrong.’

‘I thought you would’ve got rid of that long ago though. I don’t think I know anyone who uses hankies anymore.’

‘It’s only for the tears.’ Caitlin pulled out a Kleenex from her handbag and blew her nose. ‘And it’s in my bag for the memory. I thought of you often over the years, wondering where you were, who you were with, wanting to see the girl who was like a daughter to me.’

It was Maddie’s turn to ask questions that had been buried in her mind for years. ‘Do you find the anniversary events and coverage of 9/11 year after year hard to deal with?’

‘Funnily enough I don’t. I mean, the first one was horrendous, of course.’ She paused for a moment, discarded the soiled tissue and toyed with the embroidered handkerchief instead. ‘But after that first year, it was a comfort to know that other people had been through the same thing, still had the same pain. I knew how I would feel every year, it wasn’t like a big shock to hear the news or hear victims talk on television. The videos of the planes hitting the towers, the carnage in the streets … those pictures are etched in technicolour on my mind. The television makes little difference to pre-existing images, and my grief doesn’t pour out on that one day year after year. My grief gets me when I least expect it, and it gets me in different ways.

‘It took me a while,’ Caitlin continued, ‘but I have nice moments now too. Last week in the Haigh’s shop I must have looked like a crazy lady because I found myself thinking about buying Easter chocolate with Riley when he was little. His eyes were like saucers, as though he had just stepped into
Willy Wonka’s
Chocolate Factory, and when he got a taster at the till he looked as though he’d hit the jackpot.’

‘Riley was all about the tasters.’

They fell silent for a while, both lost in thought. Caitlin was the first to speak. ‘When the grief hits, it’s like a tsunami.’

The powerful word made Maddie swallow, hard.

‘About a month ago I was in Myer when a lady ran past the lingerie section, her face stricken with fear. I could see she had a stroller with her but no child. She was frantic, calling for her boy, calling for ‘Riley’. For a moment I froze at the name and it felt as though the ground was coming up to meet me. But then my mind snapped into gear. I went to her; I knew how I’d felt when I lost my boy. We got out a description on the loudspeaker and he was found quickly enough.

‘I watched that woman hold her Riley to her chest so tightly.’ Caitlin bunched up her fists against her chest to show how firm a hold that woman must have had, how tightly she missed holding her own son. ‘I watched her tears of joy, listened to her cries of relief. I walked out of that shop in a daze and I just kept on walking. I’m not sure even now if I could tell you where I went exactly, but I walked until my feet hurt and until I phoned Richard to come and get me. When I got home I vomited and I cried and cried and cried. I slept solidly after that for almost twenty-four hours.’

Maddie didn’t think she had any more tears left, but her eyes watered as Caitlin continued.

‘So you see, Maddie, the coverage every year isn’t when I grieve necessarily, but I do find some solace in watching people paying their respects to loved ones. It’s their bravery that gets me every time, and the way they can hold their heads up, hold their limbs up when back then they could’ve collapsed with the shock of it all. Wives, husbands, children, parents: we all suffered tragic loss and the coverage to me says that life goes on, and that when we all pull together, we can become stronger, help each other. I know now that’s what I should’ve done for you.

‘I thought that it would be so easy for you to find happiness with someone else after Riley, and I guess I was angry because I had no idea how to move on with my own life. If I hadn’t had Richard, I’m not sure I would’ve wanted to go on.’

‘You don’t mean—’

‘I don’t think I would’ve taken my own life, not really, but there were times when the pain was that unbearable.’ She turned to face Maddie. ‘We went to Ground Zero.’

The skin on Maddie’s arms tingled. ‘What was it like?’

‘It was incredible. Painful, but nowhere near as painful as I thought it would be. It helped to see how many people were struggling to cope in the same way that I was, and still am. I felt so selfish, thinking I was the only one. It hit me just after the readings of every name of every single victim. I cried as I heard Riley’s name, I barely heard any of the others, but almost three thousand people died, and looking around at the sea of faces I knew I was wrong to think that other people couldn’t possibly be in as much pain as I was. And that includes you, Maddie.’

Maddie smiled.

‘Riley loved New York, didn’t he?’ said Maddie after a moment of reflection for both women.

‘He did. He’d always wanted to go and see the big wide world, right from when he was a toddler and we bought him a bright red pedal go-kart with the number 7 on its bonnet, like a racing car. He wanted to know whether pedalling hard enough would help him reach Canada. I think he wanted to see the snow more than anything, but the next day it was America, then it was Scotland. He always did have that sense of adventure.’

‘That’s one of the things I loved about him.’ Maddie’s face lit up. ‘Not the passion about travel and his need for adventure, but his sense of fun about what the future could hold. We used to talk about the usual things, but he always had this twinkle in his eye, this look that showed part of him wanted to let life unfold and take him to the unknown.

‘I saw that go-kart in your garage.’ Maddie grinned. ‘Richard once told me that Riley had refused to put it on eBay because he wanted to someday give it to his own child. I never knew the Canada story though.’

‘Oh, it wasn’t just other countries he wanted to go to,’ said Caitlin. ‘He loved reading
The Famous Five
and
The Secret Seven
too, and he’d go off on adventures in that thing, making up all kinds of worlds.’ She put a hand over her mouth as though he could hear her. ‘He would’ve strangled me if he knew I told you that story.’

‘I bet he would’ve told his own son or daughter himself, in time.’

They sat in silence, both lost in the cherished memories of the life cut short too soon.

‘I met many other mothers, daughters, sons, friends, girlfriends at Ground Zero.’ Now that Caitlin had started talking it was as though she couldn’t stop. ‘I really connected with one lady who had lost her daughter and not only because we had both lost a child. We gelled as mothers but also as ourselves.’

Maddie listened to Caitlin talk about the friend she had made, the emotions she’d felt standing at Ground Zero. And while she listened Maddie fiddled with the ring box, her fingers edging nervously around the opening. She thought of how excited Riley must have been buying it, and wondered if he’d been nervous too; she imagined he would’ve been and the thought warmed her right through.

‘Beth, the lady I met,’ said Caitlin, ‘stood with me on the deck of the Empire State Building and that was when we stopped chatting. A silence fell over us and we both stood looking out over the city that had captured our children’s hearts and spirits. That day Richard had made his own way around the city: the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Statue of Liberty; all the places that Riley had raved about to him.’

As the temperature of the afternoon fell, Caitlin shivered. ‘Shall we walk? I promised I’d meet Richard in the city. Perhaps we could sort out another day for you to see him too?’

‘I’d like that.’

They made their way across the Northern Lawn towards the Yarra River. Unconsciously, Maddie double-checked her pocket for the ring box that was safely ensconced inside. She cupped it with her hand to be doubly sure.

‘One of the things that I found the hardest,’ said Caitlin, ‘was not being able to bury my son. When someone dies you have a body, right? But we had nothing. It took me a hell of a long time to come to terms with that, and for years I thought that if they found him … even part of him … then that would make me better.’

‘I’m not sure it’s as simple as that.’

‘No, it’s not.’ Her eyes glistened over, but she kept the same smile, warm and genuine. ‘I’ve made peace with it over the years and I’m not sure how much good it would do now to know that ‘bits’ of my son had been found. I think I’d rather remember him how he was: my son, rowing down the Yarra River, or my son arguing with me because I told him he had to clear his junk out of the garage before moving day. My son bringing home the girl with whom he saw his future.’

‘Your son shouting at me when I pranged his car against the gate post,’ Maddie added.

‘Golly, I’d forgotten about that!’

When the laughter stopped, Caitlin looked at Maddie. ‘You know that if you were my daughter then I’d be telling you not to give up on this young man, Evan.’

‘Where did that come from?’

‘I’m a woman, I multitask. Just because that wasn’t the topic of conversation, doesn’t mean that I’m not turning it over and over in my head.’

From memory, Caitlin had always been the queen of multitasking, whether it was baking a Sunday roast while filling out a tax return, or booking an overseas trip as she sorted through piles of washing.

‘I didn’t want to give up on him, Caitlin, but I can’t chase someone who doesn’t want to be found.’

‘You know, one of the things I always admired about you was your strength and your ability to see the good in people, even when there isn’t a lot to see.’ Caitlin’s words came from personal experience. ‘Life takes us in unexpected directions and they’re not all bad. Take it from someone who buried their head in the sand hoping that it would all go away.’

As they reached the road, Caitlin pulled Maddie into a hug and stroked her hair in the same way that her own mum would when she was upset. ‘I have to go, but we’ll stay in touch.’

‘I’d like that,’ Maddie replied.

Maddie waved Caitlin off as she walked towards the city. The elastic band of their relationship had been stretched beyond measure, but today it had gone slack and settled right back where it should have always been. Meeting with Caitlin had helped Maddie to sort through her own grief, and as the clouds parted above it was as though they were showing her that the path was finally clear to move on towards the future. She just wished she knew whether that future could include Evan.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

‘Thanks, Maddie.’ Ally took the cake, shaped like a clock, with chocolate mice that had been rolled in crushed Maltesers. ‘My niece will love this.’

‘It’s my pleasure.’

‘Do you want to come in?’

‘No thanks, I’m off for a run next,’ said Maddie.

‘Are you okay? You know, today I mean.’

The question was expected. Maddie always took the day off work on September 11th and this year was no different in that respect, yet it had changed in so many other ways.

‘I did what I said I’d do; I put on the TV this morning.’ Maddie took a deep breath. ‘For the first time in thirteen years, Ally, I finally put on the TV. When I thought about what Caitlin said about how watching the coverage had helped her, I thought I’d see if it could do the same for me. But you know what?’

Ally shook her head as she stood at the front door, Maddie out on the path in the sunshine.

‘I’m not avoiding the coverage any longer, but at the same time, it didn’t capture me quite how I expected. Caitlin was right about one thing: our grief doesn’t always plan when it’ll strike. The media can’t inflict any more pain than what I experience already, and for some people it goes a long way to help. But it’s not for me.’

With the time difference between Australia and the States, there was plenty more coverage to come, but for Maddie, what she had seen so far had been enough. She would no longer live in fear of the reminders. Instead, she would embrace her own memories and try to reflect on the good times but also allow herself to have quiet moments when she would still grieve for Riley in her own way.

‘Today is the start of a new beginning,’ said Ally.

‘It certainly is.’

On a clear day without a cloud in the sky, Maddie started to run the second she shut the front gate to Ally’s sister’s place. Her heart beat in time with her footsteps, the air was still and she felt as free as the rainbow infused hot air balloon that sailed above the treetops and far into the sky. Every step she took felt like a step in a new direction, a fresh start, a change of pace.

When she reached Albert Park Lake, she ignored the unusual crowds that were gathered near the barbecue area and ran past the throng of school kids who must be out on an excursion. There were dozens of adults too – possibly teachers and parents – and it was then that Maddie realised she was right in the epicentre of a charity fun run. She diverted around the crowd and turned back towards the main barbecue area so that she could take the road rather than the track and head back to her apartment, but the second she did, she stopped dead. Her chest moved up and down as her breathing failed to come to a stop along with her body.

Evan stood a few metres away clad in running gear beneath a blue banner. The banner flapped in the wind and she couldn’t make out the words, but he turned as he balanced on one leg to stretch his quads. His surprise matched hers as he let his leg drop to the ground, and he stared back at her.

She wondered whether to walk away before he had the chance to do just that; the chance to leave her again.

‘It’s a charity run for Blue September,’ he explained, closing the gap between them. She noticed the hint of a five o’clock shadow starting to appear across his jaw and his chin.

‘Blue September?’ Her belly fluttered now that he was so close.

‘I’ll explain later.’ He nodded behind her and she turned to meet Jem, who enveloped her in a hug.

‘It’s lovely to see you, Maddie.’

‘How are you, Jem?’ Maddie hugged her back and took in the velour marl grey tracksuit, the blue cap pulled down over her grey curls. ‘How’s the wrist?’

‘Absolutely fine now, no problem at all,’ she said.

Maddie and Evan exchanged a sly grin.

With a comforting squeeze of Maddie’s arm, Jem moved over to where Holly and Ava and another man, whom she assumed must be Ben, were waiting beneath the shade of a palm tree.

‘How are you?’ Evan asked.

‘I’m good, really good. But listen, I’ll get out of the way before the run starts. It looks like you’ve got a lot of competitors today.’

His eyes refused to leave hers. ‘Maddie, I’m sorry about Hamilton Island.’

‘You’ve obviously got a lot going on.’

‘I have, but I still feel bad about the way I left things.’

He looked over at his family doing their best to look inconspicuous as they watched them both. ‘Can we go somewhere and talk, just over to the car park, away from prying eyes?’

She’d forgotten what the sound of his voice did to her insides, setting off the fireworks that were only fuelled more when she agreed, and he put his hand in the small of her back in the gesture that she had grown to love, as they walked over to his car.

‘Can I?’ she asked, pointing to the bonnet she was about to rest against.

His laugh released some of the tension of the moment. ‘I’m not that anal.’

No, you’re gorgeous, kind, funny. But you don’t want me like I want you. Before he had the chance to launch into another breakup speech, she said, ‘I saw Caitlin.’ She wanted him to know; after all, he was part of the reason she had finally done it and she would always be grateful.

‘How did it go?’

‘Better than expected. She apologised and more importantly, I could tell how sorry she was. I think that every day since the memorial she has regretted what she said and it made her grief so much worse.’

She scuffed at the gravel with her runners. ‘I wanted to say thank you, Evan.’

‘Thank you? Why?’ He was genuinely surprised.

‘You talked so candidly about the reasons why I should get in touch with her. Mum did too, but I needed to hear it from someone who didn’t know Caitlin, who didn’t know Riley. Does that make sense?’

He nodded. His feet scuffed the dirt too, and seeing him mimic what she was doing made her smile.

‘She gave me something too,’ said Maddie.

‘Ah, you found out what it was?’

‘It was a ring.’ She turned to look at Evan. ‘It was an engagement ring that Riley bought before he died. They only found it recently, amongst his belongings that had been boxed up.’

‘And how do you feel about that?’

She didn’t read jealousy on his face, only concern. ‘I couldn’t look at it for ages, but when I did, I felt content. I felt content that he was so happy right up until the end. And even though I’ll never wear it, I’ve kept it.’

He turned his gaze back to the dirt beneath his feet. ‘I’m really pleased that you’ve made peace with the past. I think that it’ll help you to move forwards.’

Move forwards where? She wanted to yell.

‘Listen, Maddie—’

‘Look, Evan. I know what you’re going to say, and there’s really no need. I—’

‘Why do women always talk before us men get a chance to say anything?’

‘Sorry.’ She watched the rise and fall of his chest beside her. It was agonising not to be able to reach out and hold him, have him hold her.

‘I need to explain myself, explain what happened up in Hamilton Island.’ When his eyes settled on her, his pupils were large and hungry. ‘I thought that walking away was for the best, but seeing you now, I know that you deserve to know why.’

She wasn’t sure that she really wanted to know. She wanted him more than ever, and his proximity to her was more painful than she could have ever imagined.

‘When you told me everything about Riley, I fell for you that little bit more, but I realised how much you had been hurt in the past, how you had been let down, and I realised that I couldn’t let that happen to you all over again.’

His lips twisted as though with each word, it gave him more pain. ‘From the moment I got my diagnosis it was as though everything I could have flashed in front of my eyes. I took for granted that I would meet someone, get married, the whole shebang, when I was ready, and as soon as that ideal was threatened it opened my eyes to the fact that nothing in this life is a given. Everything is so precious. Everything is a risk. It also made me want the dream more than ever.’

The black paintwork of his car felt hot beneath her hands.

‘Maddie, you told me how much you want marriage, kids, the whole works.’

‘I knew it. I frightened you off. I—’

He put a finger to her lips just as he had on the boat over to Williamstown that evening.

‘When you told me about Riley, I saw the pain in your eyes. When you told me that you wanted a family of your own, I shared that dream, but when I saw the joy in your face, the hopefulness at achieving that one day, I had to walk away.’ His finger left her lips this time, at the same time that his eyes left her face.

‘Why? I don’t understand.’

A bright pink football rolled up to them and Evan crouched down beside the little girl who came running up to retrieve it. He told her to take it over to the grass area, away from the cars. Maddie felt a twang in her heart watching him interact with a child; it was the same feeling she’d had that day he’d danced with Ava at Jem’s party.

Evan sat on the bonnet of the car, his fingers millimetres from her own. ‘When you talked about having a family, all I could think about was how I could let you down, how I could hurt you all over again. I want those things as much as you do, but I couldn’t be selfish.’

The tendons in his arms strained as he wrestled with the right words. ‘I’ve known from the start of all this that one testicle is all it takes to father a child. But there’s safety in numbers I guess, and with one already gone it means that should there be a problem with the other then I lose my chance to be a dad. The doctors assure me that there’s only a low risk of getting cancer in my other testicle and there’s every chance my fertility is fine, but what if it’s not? What if the cancer comes back?’

‘Evan, I feel so stupid. I should’ve realised that was the reason.’ She couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it before.

‘Why? I wasn’t exactly giving the information away for free.’

The teasing in his voice made her smile. ‘And you let me prattle on about kids, marriage, how I wanted all those things. Why didn’t you tell me then?’

‘Honestly? Because I know enough about you, Maddie Kershaw, to know that you’re a good person, you don’t push people away when they need you, and my male pride also got in the way and I told myself that I couldn’t bear to have your pity. I wanted you to want me for me.’

Her heart went out to him. She wanted to kick herself at her own insensitivity. She’d been so preoccupied by her own battle that she hadn’t been able to see how scared he was that he couldn’t live up to her expectations.

‘Evan, do you remember that day on the beach when you told me everyone follows their own journey with grief?’

‘Those sound like wise words.’ His lips tugged at the corners.

‘They were common sense words and they were the words that convinced me to call Caitlin.’

‘I’m glad to be of service.’

‘I think that it’s the same with cancer.’ Maddie tried to ignore the hope whirling in her body as his fingers lightly touched against hers across the bonnet. ‘Every journey with the wretched disease will be different, every person reacts in a different way emotionally and physically.

‘Perhaps it’s time for you to realise that you can’t predict the future, you can’t run away from it because of what happened in the past.’

‘Have you turned sensible all of a sudden?’

She fiddled with the strap of her watch. ‘You know it’s too late, don’t you?’

‘I know it’s too late for us.’ His voice was barely a whisper. He stood up, closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

She left the warmth of the car bonnet too. ‘No, I mean it’s too late for me to back away, too late to protect myself in case I don’t get my perfect idea of what the future should be.’ She put a hand against the black running shirt as his heart beat beneath her palm. ‘It’s too late because I’ve already fallen for you.’

He looked heavenward. ‘What if one testicle isn’t enough to father children, Maddie? What if I can never be a dad?’

‘Do you seriously think that I wouldn’t want you because you couldn’t give me children?’

His face said it all.

She stood on tiptoes and hooked her arm around the back of his neck, tilting his head down towards hers. She looked deep into his eyes, and their lips touched so softly that she wasn’t sure whether she had imagined it.

‘Firstly, not being able to have children wouldn’t stop me from wanting you. Secondly, having children isn’t about being able to provide the sperm.’

‘Ouch! That hurt,’ he said.

‘What I mean is that anyone can make a baby, but it’s a whole different game becoming a father, being there for that child unconditionally, giving them the best world in which to grow up.’

She linked her fingers through his as he gazed down at her. ‘What I’m saying is that, yes, I do want a family one day. But if it turned out that you couldn’t have kids, then we can look at other options. There’s adoption, fostering, surrogacy …’

‘Steady on.’ He pulled back and looked at her. ‘You’re talking about having kids with me … we’re not even dating, are we?’ His lips formed a grin that reached his eyes as he teased her, but then he turned serious again. ‘I want to give you everything, Maddie. I want to give you the world. What if my cancer comes back? I could die like Riley did. Do you really want to go through that again?’ He reached out and grazed her cheek lightly with the back of his hand before he pulled away like he’d been caught doing something that he shouldn’t.