Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (19 page)

If a difficult child continually demands attention in class, there is a great temptation to give it to him. Don’t. Tell the child you will be with him or her in a moment, and see to another child first who is sitting patiently with their hand up; then return to the demanding child. If the child’s demands are always met, then the level of demands will increase.

Don’t ever enter into debate with a child who is challenging you, whether it is about the work set, something you have asked the child to do or the child’s behaviour. Likewise, don’t bargain with or bribe a child to do as you have Requested. You can give a short reason for your decision by all means, but you are not required to explain yourself or your actions. Modern liberal attitudes towards children have encouraged all adults to feel that they have to give constant explanations to children; they don’t. Give a reason, but not an explanation. As an adult and a teacher you are in charge, you give the instructions as to what the child or class has to do and the children follow your instructions; in other words, they do as they are told.

Make sure that your classroom assistants deal with a challenging child in the same way that you do. A well-meaning teaching assistant can unintentionally undermine your authority and discipline by pandering to a child’s demands in order to keep him or her quiet. Have regular meetings with your assistants and ensure that you are all working to the same guidelines in managing difficult behaviour as well as the syllabus. This is obvious, but it doesn’t always happen with the huge workload staff carry.

Be aware of any factors in a child’s life that might be affecting their behaviour, but don’t let those factors become an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. Some of the children I foster are not disciplined or sanctioned at school as they should be because the staff feel sorry for them, because they are in care and come from a deprived or abusive background. Obviously be sensitive to what the child has suffered – for example, a child who has been sexually abused might not want to change for PE with the rest of the class. But generally what the child needs from school, in addition to education, is the security of a clear routine and boundaries, just as they do at home.

Be aware of group dynamics in the class and change where a child sits if necessary. ‘Birds of a feather flock together’ and challenging children will gravitate towards each other, and thus be more difficult to control and discipline. Teachers sometimes sit children with similar needs at the same table so that they can share a teaching assistant, or because they are at the same stage academically. If the needs of the children include behavioural issues, this won’t work, unless the teaching assistant is highly experienced. It is far better to alter your seating plan so that children with challenging behaviour sit as far away from each other as possible, for as long as is necessary until their behaviour settles.

Time out can be used effectively, either for the whole class (although you should not leave the classroom) or for a single child who has become disruptive. If the whole class has become unruly, then call them to order and have everyone sit in silence for five minutes to calm down and reflect on their unacceptable behaviour. I’ve seen many teachers struggle on, raising their voices higher and higher over an unruly class, when five minutes’ quiet time would have brought them all back to order. If one child has erupted, remove him or her (with an assistant) from the class, to the quiet room if the school has one, or to a quiet area if not. The assistant should stay with the child but not interact with him or her. Quiet time is a time to reflect and calm down before the child is allowed to rejoin the class.

Always show children in class respect, no matter how difficult their behaviour is, and don’t make fun of a child in front of the class as a way of managing unruly behaviour. I know it’s tempting (for your own sanity if nothing else), but it will take a long time for the child to forgive or forget that he or she has been made to look foolish in front of his or her peer group. And of course insist that children always show you respect, both in the way they act towards you and what they say.

Respectful behaviour applies both in the classroom and outside it. If a child calls out a rude or impertinent remark while passing you in the corridor (which happens more in secondary than primary schools), deal with it straight away by calling over the pupil. If you ignore it, news will travel fast through those pupils who have heard the disrespect and your reputation will suffer. A walk through any school corridor at break time reveals those teachers who have the respect of the children and those who don’t. Either doors are held open, with the children standing aside to let the member of staff pass, or there is a ‘free for all’, with the member of staff vying for a thoroughfare alongside the pupils.

In addition to teachers, there are other adults who look after children on a daily basis, and who therefore need strategies for managing children’s behaviour.

Nurseries and preschools cater for very young children, sometimes from as young as three months, until they reach school age. Day-care provision varies greatly from country to country, in opening hours, cost (private or state) and the number of hours children attend. As well as providing a safe and nurturing environment for young children to grow and flourish in, nurseries (and preschool) are responsible for children’s early years’ education, which obviously includes guidelines for acceptable behaviour. Young children can spend the larger part of their waking week at day care, in effect spending more time with the nursery nurses than with their parents. Staff therefore have a huge responsibility towards ensuring that children in their care have the best start in life, both in their physical and emotional development, as well as in achieving socially acceptable behaviour.

The techniques we looked at for parents to successfully manage babies and young children (Chapters 1–3) can equally be applied to individual children in the nursery or preschool situation. Nursery staff will spend more time catering for the individual needs of the children than teachers at school, where the children are older and generally expected to conform to the norm of their class. However, there will be times at nursery, particularly with preschool children, where the staff, in preparation for school, will be working with the children on a group basis. Nursery teachers therefore need to have a certain authoritative presence, similar to that of the class teacher, in order to manage group activities, as well as warmth and tenderness for nurturing babies and young children on a one-to-one basis.

Clearly babies in day care need a routine of sleeping and feeding, just as they do at home. It will be the responsibility of the staff to establish this within the nursery, in consultation with the parents. Request, Repeat and Reassure works with baby’s routine in day care as well as at home, and will, in some form, have been the basis of the staff’s professional training for managing babies in the nursery. You, as the nursery nurse, will be keeping a log of the baby’s routine – feeds, sleeps, playtime, moods, etc. – which information you discuss with your manager and with the parents when they collect the baby at the end of the day. Continuity of routine between nursery and home for the baby should ideally be maintained as much as possible, so as to engender security in the baby, and a baby who feels secure is less likely to be fractious.

Continuity of staff at the day care centre is also important, although it is not always possible, as staff leave or are promoted. Often a rota of staff operates and a baby is therefore required to bond with more than one nursery nurse, as well as maintaining the bond with its parents. Obviously keep change of staff to a minimum, and be aware that any change is likely to affect the baby’s behaviour.

As well as a change of care provider there are other, not so obvious, changes in the nursery which can upset a baby’s behaviour: repositioning the cot or rearranging the nursery furniture, a change of room, new toys, redecorating the room or even closing a blind that is usually left open. You will be working closely with the parents and will hopefully be informed of any changes at home that might affect baby, and therefore the baby’s behaviour. If a baby suddenly appears unsettled and there is no obvious reason, inform the parents and explore any possible causes that could be responsible – for example, a change of house, routine or diet.

As babies grow into toddlers, it often means a change of room at nursery and with it a change of care provider. Clearly the toddler needs to be prepared for this well in advance, having the changes explained beforehand, visiting the new room and meeting the new members of staff for short periods before the actual move. Despite all the preparation, the toddler is still likely to become unsettled for a while and plenty of reassurance will be needed. The toddler, now mobile and inquisitive, is likely to present the nursery staff with many of the behavioural challenges that he or she presents to the parents at home. Follow the 3Rs with the toddler (Chapter 1), and remember that Reassure should also become Reaffirm as you guide the child to acceptable behaviour, both as an individual and part of the group.

Any negative behaviour in children at day care should be dealt with in line with nursery policy, logged and discussed with the parents. Ideally both the nursery staff and parents will manage the child’s behaviour in a similar way, and with similar guidelines. However, nursery staff often assume the greater responsibility for setting in place the boundaries and guidelines for good behaviour, particularly with a child who is in day care full time. If the child is spending more time with the staff than with the parents, parents who are working long hours often feel guilty about not being with their child, and are more inclined to overindulge their child in the evenings and weekends, give in to their demands and be reluctant to discipline. These double standards can be unsettling for the child and difficult for nursery staff to deal with. While you are responsible for the child’s behaviour at nursery you can do little about what happens at home, other than offer tactful and helpful suggestions for continuing with the guidelines you have put in place and which work well at nursery.

The expectations for acceptable behaviour, and the techniques used to achieve it, apply at nursery as they do at home or school:

In many respects childminders are like mini nurseries, although childminders work from home and are self-employed. All childminders have to be registered, trained, inspected and keep detailed logs, and they are expected to provide the same high standard of day care as a nursery. As a childminder, however, you will be working with fewer children (in Britain, no more than six, including your own), and will very likely be working by yourself. Because of the small number of children, and being home-based, the childminder can more easily step into the role of a surrogate parent on a daily basis than the staff at a large day centre. This can be useful for engendering security, maintaining continuity and working closely with the parents.

As a childminder you and the child’s parents will have both signed a behaviour policy drawn up by you and agreed with the parents. This document details your aims and objectives for nurturing and caring for the child, as well as your methods for guiding the child to acceptable behaviour. This agreement will contain the statement that you will never administer physical punishment in any form, or any kind of humiliation or hurtful treatment, and that you endorse discipline through setting positive limits. This of course is exactly the premise of this book and can be successfully achieved using the 3Rs. All the strategies and techniques for managing babies and children outlined earlier in this book (Chapters 1–3) can be successfully adopted by the childminder.

A relative or close friend may look after a child or children on an informal daily basis. However, in Britain if anyone cares for a child or children for more than two hours a day for reward he or she must be registered as a childminder. Similar legislation applies in most of Europe and America. Whether you look after a child for one afternoon a week or for a couple of hours each day, you will still be wholly responsible for the child (or children) while they are in your care.

Clearly you will provide a safe and nurturing environment for the child, making sure any garden ponds are covered, stair gates are fitted, etc. if the child is very young. You will also be aware of the child’s likes and dislikes, whether they require assistance going to the toilet, as well as any dietary requirements if the child is to eat with you. You will do all you can to ensure the child is happy and contented during their visit, as well as putting in place any necessary guidelines for acceptable behaviour. Although the arrangement is informal, and done as a favour to the parents, there is no reason why you should have your house wrecked every Thursday evening by the two lads from next door whom you look after so that their mother can attend her art class.