Hard Choices (18 page)

I sat back, stunned. I didn’t care about that, and Molly knew I didn’t. It was just shocking to realize that Matthew was in that stratosphere of successful people.

“You know what, though, Lyssa, the fact that Robert’s been friends with him for so long says a lot about someone, in my book.”

“That it does,” I agreed. I shook my head, trying to clear it of my amazement. “So! What do you want to do today? On my day off?”

“Let’s go to the beach!” Molly squealed.

“Ooooooh, that does sound like fun. It’ll be about four hours before it’s warm enough, though,” I glanced at the microwave clock. “Are you hungry? Want to go out to breakfast?”

“I’d love to!”

It had been a long time since I’d spent a whole day with Molly. After breakfast, we popped into a nail shop and got our toes painted, putted around Target for a while, and finally headed to Sanders Beach, which was still busy, even on a weekday. But only pleasantly so.

Lying in the sand, I couldn’t remember a time when I’d been more relaxed. And that surprised me.

“You know what, Molly?”

“Mmm?” she said drowsily from the towel next to me.

“I think part of me is actually a little relieved it’s done with Aaron.”

“Really?” she turned her head toward me and held up her hand to block the sun from her eyes. “What do you mean?”

I sat up on my elbows and shrugged. “It was fun and felt a little dangerous hiding it from everyone at work, but it was actually a little stressful. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

She nodded slowly. “Anything else?”

I exhaled slowly. “We came close – both of us, I think – dangerously close to letting it get out of hand. To letting our feelings run away with us. Now that I know that’s not a worry anymore, I am… decidedly… relieved,” it felt strange to say that out loud, but I knew it was true. Part of me was relieved that it was done.

“Another thing,” Molly said slowly, “while Aaron was around, there was no way you’d look for anything else. Now that you’ve both moved on,” she waved her hand, “maybe you can find someone more… suitable for something… long-term.”

I slipped off my sunglasses and narrowed my eyes at her. “Are we back to Matthew?” I said pointedly.

“No! Jeesh! I mean, not necessarily,” she hedged. “I just… I want you to be happy, Lyssa. If that means a string of Aarons, great! If that means something like Robert and Alan have, fantastic. If it’s something totally new, also great. Whatever makes you happy. I mean it.”

“Thanks, Moll. I love you, too,” I said, then stuck my tongue out at her.

“Good,” she chuckled. “Now let me finish my nap before one of my students sees me.”

I laughed and lay back down, trying, unsuccessfully, not to think about my Matthew sex dream from the night before.

***

I went back to work on Friday, wondering if it would be obvious to everyone that I’d taken the day off right after Aaron had left. I was surprised to notice no weird undercurrents. Not even Jean tried to slip in a question about it. I guessed we had pulled it off.

Weeks slipped by, and suddenly it was the middle of October and Becca’s birthday. She was busy with her friends, of course, but threw ol’ Mom a bone and came home for the weekend after her birthday. I planned a dinner for her, Kyle and me at the house, Becca’s favorite dinner and her favorite chocolate cake. I was really looking forward to having two of my three kids under my roof again.

Surprisingly, I didn’t see Kyle all that often. He came over for dinner once or twice a month, and we texted and messaged, so we always knew what was going on in each other’s lives (well, not love lives, but there are some things a mother does not want or need to know, and ditto for the kids). But he was busy with his own life. Just like Becca and Danny. On the one hand, I was proud to have raised such independent kids; on the other, I missed my babies. But I recognized it was an inevitable turn of events. I had my own life, they had theirs. Together, we had holidays and birthdays.

I was just pulling the birthday cake out of the oven when Becca burst through the door.

“Mom? MOM!” she called. I couldn’t help but laugh. I think that phrase was burned into the walls of this house.

“Kitchen!” I called back. Probably for the millionth time.

“Is Kyle here yet?” Becca asked breathlessly as she came around the corner.

“‘Hi, Mom. How are you?’ ‘Oh, I’m great, Rebecca! Thanks for asking!’” I said in a fake, cheerful tone.

Becca rolled her eyes, but leaned in and hugged me. “Hi, Mooooom,” she said. “I was asking because Kyle said he’s bringing a surprise.” Becca had no patience. Zero. Her birthday and Christmas were torture for her, wondering what she would get. I laughed, thinking about her brother playing into that.

“He’s not here. Wouldn’t you have seen his car?”

“Oh, yeah. Maybe. You know how cagey he can be. He could have parked around the corner or some – ”

“Hello!” a man’s voice called from the front door. It didn’t sound like Kyle, not exactly. Becca and I exchanged confused glances, and then it dawned on us at the exact same moment, and we screamed out together: “DANNY!”

We flew out of the kitchen and across the living room, both of us all but knocking Danny down the entry stairs into Kyle. Laughing and crying all at once, we overwhelmed my poor sons.

“Oh my god, Mom, Becca,” Danny said, trying to disentangle himself, “let me at least put my bag down!”

Kyle stood behind him, grinning like an idiot. Becca slapped him in the arm. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you can not keep a secret, Bec!” Kyle shot back, rubbing his arm.

“OK, fair enough,” she conceded, then threw herself into Danny’s arms again. “Thank you thank you thank you! I can’t believe you came home for my birthday!”

I stepped back and looked at my three beautiful, full-grown children. Hugging and laughing and crying and smacking each other. My heart felt so full, I thought it would burst. I felt a tear slide down my cheek, just as all three turned to look at me. Danny came over to hug me and I clung tightly to him.

“I swear you’ve grown!” I said through tears.

“Actually, I have!” he laughed. “I’ve grown about an inch. The docs said it’s not unheard of to grow more after eighteen.”

Eighteen. At that age, I’d thought I had a whole lifefull of adventures coming my way. I’d thought I would travel the world and do exciting, glamorous things.

Two years later, I was married with a kid. It had all happened so fast. But I knew, in the deepest part of my soul, I wouldn’t change a second of it. It all got me here, to this moment in time, proudly viewing my three amazing kids.

I sent a silent thank you to Scott for the years we had together and the family we built. It didn’t end up the way either of us had thought, but we had built something that would outlast us. It felt good.

“Mom, where are you?” asked Kyle, breaking into my reverie.

I shook my head. “Right here, Kyle, with you three maniacs,” I smiled and laughed and cried. “I want a family hug, and I want it NOW,” I demanded. My three grown children rolled their eyes but embraced me. I felt their love wash over me. I felt the beauty of the three people they’d become. And I felt deeply, truly happy.

***

Danny finished his food and pushed back from the table. “Ohhhh man, that was sooooo good! There is nothing on this planet like your fried chicken, Mom!”

I smiled proudly. What mom doesn’t love to hear that?

“Nothing as good as all the exotic food you’ve been sampling in San Francisco?” asked Becca.

“Don’t get me wrong – the food in that town is deeelish. But come on! There’s nothing like homecooking, am I right?”

“You are right,” said Kyle, finishing up his last bite of cornbread. “No worries, though, Mom. I have plenty of room for chocolate cake.”

We’d laughed and shared through dinner. All four of us got caught up on each other’s lives. It felt so good, to sit around as adults and share what was going on. Danny loved the Coast Guard; school was going well for Becca; Kyle filled them in on his latest real estate acquisition. Finally, I realized something: no body was talking about who was dating whom.

“All right, you three, what gives?” They looked at me, surprised by my sudden change of subject.

“About what?” Danny asked.

“Usually,” I leaned forward and put my arms on the table, “you three are all happy to at least
mention
if you’re dating someone. Even in front of me. Why the sudden reticence?” Guilty glances shot around the table among them, all looking distinctly uncomfortable, and none looking at me. “Is this about Sarah? Do you guys think I’ll get uncomfortable talking about it because of her?” Somehow, the three of them looked even more uncomfortable, and it suddenly dawned on me: “Ohhhhhhh,” I said, “this is about
me.
What happened? Did your dad call all three of you to tell you what a wanton woman I’d become?” I said that last bit waspishly, I knew. But I was annoyed.

Becca took a deep breath, “No, Mom, not at all. Dad never mentioned it to me,” she looked at Danny, who shook his head.

I looked at Kyle pointedly. He threw up his hands in a surrender motion, “Mom! All I said was that you were seeing someone, and you made it really clear that it was private. I swear! That’s it!” I continued to stare at him, somehow knowing there was something more. “OK, OK. I think I mentioned that he was our age,” he mumbled that last part, and I guffawed.

“First of all, he was closer to thirty,” OK, a minor exaggeration. “Second, yes, you’re right. I did ask that my privacy be respected, so thank you, all three of you, for that. And third, he moved away,” again, a half-truth, but what was the harm? “So we aren’t seeing each other anymore. OK?”

They all nodded and mumbled “OK.”

“All right, now with
that
out of the way, does anyone have any ‘news’?” I asked with air quotes.

“Since you mentioned it,” Kyle sort of blushed and ran his hands through his hair. “I am kind of seeing someone.”

Around the table, three jaws dropped. We all knew Kyle had dated – casually – since breaking up with Amber, but he had always said they “weren’t serious, not worth talking about,” and we had never met any of them.

After a few beats of silence, Becca couldn’t stand it: “WELL!?!? Who is she? What’s her name? Oh god, it’s not Amber again, is it?” she looked momentarily horrified.

“No! It’s not Amber! Her name’s Claudia. She’s a loan officer at my bank.”

We all sat, dumb-founded. Finally Danny said, “Annnnd?”

“And nothing,” he shrugged. “I really like her. She’s smart and driven and funny. She’s twenty-five. Grew up in Montana.” He shrugged again, and we all smiled knowingly. That Kyle had even mentioned someone spoke volumes.

Danny and Becca were noticeably quiet, so I knew they had no news to share. To take the pressure off Kyle, I asked, “What wants cake?”

Over cake and coffee, we figured out who was going to sleep where for the night. Kyle decided to stay here with his brother and sister, rather than drive home. As I dug out toothbrushes and looked for old sweats, Becca came into my room looking a little uncomfortable.

“What’s up, honey?” I asked as I dug around in my closet.

“Um, Mom? Dad doesn’t know Danny’s home, so we’re going to surprise him tomorrow night. Kyle and I had dinner plans with Dad for my birthday, so… Danny’s coming, too.”

I looked at her, nonplussed. “Well, Becca, of course he’ll go with you. You didn’t really think that would bother me, did you?”

She plopped down on my bed and started nervously pulling at my coverlet. “No, I knew it wouldn’t. And Dad was nice about us coming here tonight, and going to his place tomorrow. I guess,” she looked at me, “I guess I should really be grateful, that you guys are both being so… reasonable about this. So many of my friends are
not
so blessed. Their parents and step-parents are just awful, and guilt-trippy.” She took a deep breath. “You know, you guys gave us a great childhood. Thanks for making sure we have a great… adulthood, I guess, where you guys are concerned.” For the second time that night, I found myself in tears.

“You three are worth anything.
Anything
,” I said, sitting next to her on the bed and pulling her head to my shoulder.

“BECCA!” we heard Danny below from downstairs.

“WHAT?” she bellowed back, no consideration for how close she was to my ear drum. So much for our special moment.

“SOUTH PARK’S ON! COME ON!”

Becca looked at me. “Go ahead!” I laughed, throwing the sweats I’d found at her. “Give these to Kyle.” I knew the three of them liked time alone, no parents or adults. It wouldn’t be long before that would become difficult due to spouses and kids. I wanted them to enjoy it.

“Hi, Lyssa,” I looked up from my computer and was completely flustered to see Matthew standing in the doorway of my office.

“Um, hi, uh, Matthew,” I stammered as I stood up. “Come on in,” I moved around my desk. “Um, how are you?”

It’d been weeks – no, months – since our karaoke night, and I hadn’t heard from him or seen him since. Alan had hinted around, asking me if I’d like Matthew’s number, but I chickened out. Calling him up? After one conversation in the car? It seemed ridiculous. Alan had been persistent, assuring me my call would be well-received. But when it came to Matthew, I was like a nervous sixteen-year-old.

“Just
call him,
” Molly had said to me on several occasions.

“Molly! Stop badgering me! I mean it. If he wanted to see me again, he would have called me by now. He knows where I work. Hell, he knows where I live! He’s obviously not interested.” And that hurt, more than I could admit even to Molly.

So seeing him in my office, suddenly, out of nowhere, left me flustered, to say the least. God, he was even better looking than I remembered. And I hadn’t seen Matthew since my vivid sex dream about him. And I hadn’t stopped thinking about him… or that dream. With that realization, I felt myself flush red. I looked at the carpet and nervously pushed my hair back behind my ear.

“I’m good. Uhh, I seem to have caught you at a bad time,” he sounded surprised and confused.

“No, I – “ I took a deep breath to steady myself. “It’s nice to see you again,” I smiled and hoped I sounded less like a lunatic. Then I made a mistake: I looked him right in the eyes. Wow. Those deep, green eyes. I got lost there for a few seconds and realized I hadn’t heard what he was saying.

“… dinner sometime?” he said. Hmm. His tone of voice – was he nervous, too?

“I’m sorry, what?” I wondered if I sounded as dazed as I felt.

“Wow, you do not make it easy on a guy, you know that?”

I laughed nervously. “Make what easy?”

“I’m trying to ask you on a date, Lyssa.” He cleared his throat. “Lyssa, would you like to go to dinner with me?”

I froze. Absolutely froze. I was pretty sure I looked like a deer in headlights. My throat went dry. All I could think about was what he would look like without that shirt on. He opened his mouth to speak, taking my hesitation for refusal.

“Matthew I’d love to go to dinner with you,” I said it so quickly I barely understood myself. Then I laughed. Like an idiot. I was just grateful I didn’t bray like a donkey. “I am so sorry,” I said breathlessly. “Just got divorced, remember? I’m not used to being asked out yet!”

He smiled a slow, gentle smile. “I totally understand,” he said. “Just dinner. No strings.” He smiled again. I nodded, thinking I wouldn’t mind having him for dessert – and hoping it wasn’t that obvious. “What are you doing tonight?” he asked hopefully.

“Actually, tonight I have no plans,” I was starting to feel less freaked out. When I just relaxed, he was a very soothing presence. “Do you like sushi?”

“There’s a good sushi place here?”

I laughed. “I know ‘sushi’ is not the first thing that pops into your head when you think of small resort towns in Idaho, but yes, we have a great sushi place downtown. Robert and Alan have some friends who travel to Japan frequently, and even they approve of it.”

Matthew smiled and my breath caught. Again. “Great. What time should I pick you up?”

“Well, where do you live?”

“Out on Windy Bay.” Wow, right on the lake.

“How about I meet you at the restaurant? It’s right downtown, so it’s about halfway between us.”

He took out his phone and pulled up the first sushi restaurant that popped up. “This one?” He pointed to the restaurant’s website, and I nodded. “Got it,” he said as he bookmarked it. “What time?”

“Um, what’s the number there? Let’s make a reservation.”

While Matthew hit call and made the reservation for seven that night, I just watched him, smiling. He smiled back at me, and then did something that really took me aback: he reached out and took my hand. He continued talking on the phone, just smiling at me and holding my hand. Somehow, the physical contact caused both an electric thrill through my body… and gave me a peaceful calm. This was very new to me.

Matthew clicked off the call, and slid his phone into his pocket. We stood there a moment more, holding hands and smiling at each other. Then he said softly, “I’ll see you tonight, Lyssa,” and he leaned in, a little hesitantly and kissed me on the cheek. It was so sweet. It was so gentle.

“Yeah, see you tonight,” I said, softly, too.

He let go of my hand and walked out my office. At the front door, he turned back and smiled at me once more before going out.

I heard myself sigh. Actually
sigh
. Like some simpering girl in a bad musical, sighing over the handsome lead. Like I was twelve years old and looking at Robert Redford. I shook my head,
I am really in trouble,
I thought.

***

Matthew ducked into Robert’s office after Jean had let him in.

“Matthew! How are you?” Robert stood up and held out his hand.

“I’m great, Robert. I just uh… I popped in to, um… I came to ask Lyssa out to dinner.”

Robert’s eyes narrowed at Matthew’s uncharacteristic stammer.
Alan wasn’t kidding,
Robert thought.
Matthew does have it bad.
“So,” Robert said sitting back in his chair, “What the hell took you so long?”

Matthew’s eyes opened wide. That was very uncharacteristic of Robert
.
He laughed nervously. “Well, it’s a weird situation, isn’t it? I mean, she’s your office manager. She’s one of your best friends. She just got divorced. So, I wasn’t sure…”

Robert would never admit it to anyone but Alan, but he was enjoying this just a tiny bit. Matthew – self-assured, successful, always-confident Matthew – was nervous about asking a woman out. But he knew him well enough to know just how strange it was for Matthew to be feeling this way.

“Well what did she say?” Robert asked.

“What did who say?”

Robert looked at Matthew quizzically. “What did Lyssa say? When you asked her out.”

“Oh. Oh! I haven’t. Yet. I came to see you first,” Matthew was stammering again.

Robert leaned forward and crossed his hands on his desk. “Matthew, did you come in here to ask my
permission
to ask Lyssa out?”

“No,” Matthew said defensively. “Maybe. Yes,” he finally admitted. “Robert, I love you and Alan. You know that. I do not want to step on any toes.”

“Matthew,” Robert leaned back now, getting comfortable and thoroughly enjoying taunting his friend. “Do you intend to hurt her?”

“What? No!”

“Use her for sex, then ignore her?”

“Jesus, Robert, no! Of course not!”

“Take her out once, then never call her again?”

“No! I really like her. I know it’s been a while, but I can’t get her out of my head.”

“OK,” Robert said, “then were the fuck have you been for almost three months?”

Robert rarely cursed, so he got Matthew’s attention. Matthew took a deep breath and exhaled. “Look, she just got divorced. I didn’t want to be a rebound. But finally, I just decided,” he shrugged, “nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

Robert grinned. “Theeeeere he is. That’s the Matthew I know. Now get in there and take charge. Be the guy who helped Inlay Systems become a billion-dollar company. You don’t wear ‘lovesick teenager’ well.” He managed not to say the last part cruelly.

Matthew grinned back and stood up. “All right. I’m going in.”

“And Matthew?” He turned back around to Robert, “according to my sister, you have an
excellent
chance of her saying yes,” Robert said dryly.

“Did you just smirk at me, Miller? Did you just smirk?” Matthew asked incredulously.

“Maybe. Just a little,” Robert smirked deliberately. “Now get out of here. And good luck.”

Matthew left chuckling and shaking his head.

***

I pulled up to the restaurant and checked myself in the mirror for the millionth time.
Get a grip, woman
, I told myself. I got out of the car just as Matthew pulled up next to me. In the bite of the fall air, I was glad I’d opted for some jeans and a sweater – jeans that Molly had assured me did
not
make my ass look big, and an off-the-shoulder blue sweater that I hoped said “sexy but not slutty.” I’d twisted my hair up into a knot, hoping it looked a little dressier.

“You look beautiful,” he said as he walked up to me.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and took him in. Jeans and a dark green, zippered mock turtle-neck did not hide the fact that this man was in excellent shape. “Thanks. You look pretty nice yourself,” I smiled, wondering if I could get him to walk in front of me so I could check out his ass. Then I shook my head, kind of horrified at myself.

“Shall we?” Matthew gestured in front of him, and I started forward. I felt his hand on the small of my back as we crossed the parking lot. It was one of those old-fashioned gestures, but came across as protective without being possessive. I could not imagine Scott ever doing anything so chivalrous.

Also, Scott’s hand there would not have sent a tingle through my body like Matthew’s did.

Once we were seated and had ordered a couple of beers, I finally got up the courage to ask something that I’d been wondering all day.

“Can I ask you something?” I tried to sound casual.

“Sure,” he leaned back as the waiter set our beers in front of us.

I took a deep breath, and shot out my question: “Why did it take you so long to finally ask me out?”

He looked a little sheepish, a little embarrassed. Looking up at me from under his lashes, he said, “I was shy, OK?”

I laughed out loud. “No, I’m serious. I really want to know.”

“I’m really telling you the truth!” he threw his hands up. “I’m Matthew. I’m a grown man, with a grown daughter, and I am shy about asking attractive women out. Happy now?” He grinned and shook his head. “I’m not exactly in practice with this, either, you know. I’m not much of a casual dater.”

I laughed again. “I haven’t been single long enough to figure out what I am,” I took a sip of my beer.

“You’re incredibly sexy,” he said very quietly.

I put my beer down and gulped. So much for being shy. If he kept that up, I was going to drag him out to his car and tear his clothes off.

“Um, the nigiri here is fantastic!” I said a little too enthusiastically, in a desperate attempt to steer things into safer waters.

We talked and laughed and had a fantastic dinner. It felt so good to connect with someone whose life experience mirrored my own. Except for one thing: Matthew had seen the world.

“Wow, Egypt? Really? What was that like?” I knew I sounded like a wide-eyed country bumpkin, but I was fascinated. “I have always wanted to travel.”

“Why haven’t you?”

I had to think about that. “I don’t know. I guess, I was busy with work, with the kids, helping Becca get through school. I guess I just,” I shrugged, “put it on the back burner.” I thought for a moment. “You know, I don’t think that part has hit me yet: my kids are grown and gone, I am on my own. Now I can finally do what
I
want to do.”

Matthew nodded. “Hot.”

I was taken aback by seeming non sequitur. “Excuse me?”

“You asked me what Egypt was like. It was hot. Really, really hot.”

I laughed. “What’s your favorite place you’ve been?”

He didn’t even hesitate: “Portugal.”

I was completely shocked. “You’re kidding.”

“No, why?”

“I have always been fascinated by Portugal. I have no idea why. It’s the one place I have always wanted to see. It’s on my bucket list.”

“For no particular reason?”

“Nope,” I shook my head and laughed, “but Molly swears I must have lived a past life there. I even bought Portuguese for Rosetta Stone.

Matthew’s eyes lit up. “
Maravilhoso!
”

“Oh my god – you speak Portuguese?!” I almost shrieked it.

Matthew laughed at my reaction. “A few words,” he looked a little uncomfortable for a minute. “Listen, I don’t like throwing this out there, when we barely know each other, but…”

I felt my face fall. “Oh my god, what? You have a wife and eight kids in Portugal?”

He laughed out loud. “God, no! But…”

“What, Matthew? You killed a man in Portugal? You’re a lost prince? What?”

“I own a home there. In Cascais, a town on the coast. There are a lot of Americans there and – what?”

I swear, the only thing that kept me from jumping him right then and there was the fact that we were in public.