Hard Choices (28 page)

I climbed in bed next to him and lay on my back listening for sounds of Becca going to bed. I heard her come up the stairs slowly, probably wondering what she’d find, then heard her go into her room. I knew she’d seen the note, so I turned to Matthew.

“We’re probably not really done talking, are we?” he said quietly.

“Our first fight,” I sighed. “And man, we didn’t do it halfway, did we?”

“We haven’t done anything halfway.” He shook his head. “Six weeks ago, all we knew of each other was what we’d said in one conversation in my car. Now we’re all but living together, we’ve met each other’s kids, and we’re going on vacation together.”

“Not to mention the big L word,” I added. With my heart pounding, I asked him the question that was really gnawing at me: “Matthew, do you regret moving so fast?” I held my breath, but he didn’t answer right away.

“No,” he said finally, shaking his head. “I wanted to think about it, and not give you a glib answer, but no, I don’t regret it. It’s felt right every step of the way. I think that’s why I panicked tonight when I saw you, with that other guy. I thought, ‘How could I have gotten it so wrong?’” he sounded so utterly gutted when he said that, I turned on my side and put my head up, leaning on my elbow, so I could look into his face.

“You
didn’t
!” I insisted, looking into his eyes. “Well, I mean the part about thinking I was
with him
with him, you got that wrong,” I said emphatically. “But as far as you and me, it still all feels right to me.”

Matthew brushed the back of his hand across my cheek. “It feels right to me, too,” he said, and pulled me down to kiss him. I ran my hands up his chest and started to pull myself on top of him, but he stopped me, and rolled over on top of me. We gently kissed as I wrapped my legs around him. We kept kissing as he gently slid into me. His rhythm was slow, gentle, and at the perfect angle to hit that magical place inside of me. I clung to him and felt him climax at the same moment I did.

We both lay there for a moment, just enjoying the closeness. When Matthew rolled sideways, he kept his arms around me, and I snuggled against his chest. I could hear his heart beating, and I listened as it slowed down, until I thought he had fallen asleep again.

“Tell me about him,” Matthew said after a moment, startling and confusing me.

“Tell you about who?” I asked, not moving from my warm spot.

I heard the rumble of his chuckle in his chest. “I guess I really
shouldn’t
be worried, should I?”

Still confused, I pulled back and looked at him. “I’m lost. Who the hell are we talking about?”

“Your old friend, Lyssa. The kid you met for a beer tonight,” he smiled wryly at me.

“Ohhh. Oh. He’s… just… what do you want to know?” I wasn’t flustered, I just was just bewildered.

“You’ve talked about Scott, and your marriage, but you never mentioned him.”

“No, I did,” I explained. “He was the ‘rebound’ I mentioned.”

“Ahhh. Well, I’m glad you always used a condom. I bet he gets around.”

“Hey, smart-ass, I bet you sowed plenty of your own wild oats!”

He shrugged. “I was pretty focused in college, then there was Amanda. But we’re digressing. What do I want to know? Um, how long did it go on?”

That was actually a complicated question, so I answered as honestly as I could. “Well, I met him last March, when he came in for an interview. We started flirting, texting and stuff. When he got up here in May after school got out, we… finally… you know,” I felt myself flushing.

Matthew’s eyebrows knit together. “Why are you blushing?”

“Because it’s weird talking to the man I love about being with another man,” I said flatly.

“I don’t know if I’d call him a
man
,” Matthew rolled his eyes.

“Please,” I rolled my eyes back at him. “He’s entirely legal. Don’t start.”

“Did you love him?” Matthew asked quietly, not looking at me.

“He’s a nice guy,” I said emphatically. “I really liked him. I still like him. We had a lot of fun and we laughed a lot.” I put my finger under his chin and pulled his face up so he was looking at me. “But no, I didn’t love him. I don’t love him. Even with how gorgeous he is, tonight it didn’t even occur to me to consider sleeping with him. I love
you
, Matthew. I want to be with
you.
You have absolutely no competition.”

Matthew smiled up at me, looking contented and relieved. “But what was the crisis? What did he want to talk to you about?”

I decided that a little bit of a fib here wasn’t going to hurt anyone, so I omitted a lot of what we’d talked about and said simply, “Well, he’s in his last year of law school. He’s feeling a little lost and confused about what he wants.” I shrugged. “He just wanted to have a real conversation with an adult who wasn’t vested in trying to sway him this way or that.”

Matthew nodded. “That makes sense. You are very level-headed.”

“Well, thank you.” I smiled. I yawned, “I think I’ll skip work tomorrow. It’s Friday anyway. Robert won’t care. But I need a drink. Want anything?”

Matthew asked for a glass of water, so I threw on my ugly robe and opened my door as quietly as I coud.

It wasn’t quietly enough. “Mom?” I heard Becca’s voice behind me and turned to see her anxious face peering out of her doorway. “Is everything really OK?”

“Yeah, honey, it really is. It was just a fight. A big one, but,” I nodded. “We worked it all out. Sorry to scare you like that. Good night,” I kissed her forehead. “We’ll talk more in the morning.”

“OK. Good night, Mama.”

***

I woke up to the smell of coffee and bacon. God bless my daughter!

Before I crawled out of bed, though, I burrowed my face into Matthew’s chest and breathed in his scent.

I crawled out of bed, and into some ratty sweats. Suddenly I was a little shy about Becca knowing what we’d been up to last night, and I knew she’d have more questions. The lure of coffee and bacon made facing the music a little more palatable, though.

“Morning, Becca! Wow, you made breakfast! Thanks! I guess – “ I stopped because Becca held up her hand and smirked at me.

“MOM. Take a breath,” I did and immediately felt better. “I’m your
daughter
. I’m not judging you. I’m just glad it was me here last night, not Kyle or Danny!” she giggled.

“Oh that would have been… awkward,” I nodded and flushed. “Look, I’m sorry if you felt uncomfortable,” I trailed off, not really wanting to discuss my love life with my daughter.

She nodded a little sheepishly. “Yeah, it was a little weird. I went to the coffee shop, had a tea, came back, saw his car was still here, then called Mia to go out for a beer with me.”

“Thanks for the space. It has to be a little weird with me, being with someone else in our house,” I finished stumbling over words and just exhaled helplessly.

“It is, but,” she shrugged. “I’m sad that the family I grew up has kind of dissolved. Danny’s gone. Kyle is suddenly really serious with a girl. You and Dad are done. But how could I be so selfish to want you and Dad back together? You’re both so much happier. You guys aren’t right for each other anymore. I think I’m just sad my childhood is really over, you know? But I’m not such a selfish jerk that I’d want you and Dad to stick it out forever just to give me some throwback holidays or something,” she shrugged.

I looked at her bemused. I shook my head, put my coffee mug down, and held out my arms. “Come here,” I said.

Becca smiled and came in for a hug, resting her head on my shoulder. “I cannot believe I got three such awesome kids,” I sighed into her hair.

“Well, thankfully, we all got your brains,” Becca said sardonically.

“Rebecca!” I tried to be stern, but I couldn’t help it. I laughed.

“We all love Dad, Mom, but we all know he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.” She pulled back and kissed my cheek. “So is Matthew smart?” she asked, genuinely interested.

“Really smart,” I sighed. “Really, really smart.”

“Good. As long as he treats you right.”

“Yeah, Becca. He does. Last night was not the norm.”

“OK. I’m inclined to believe you. I think I inherited good instincts from my mom,” she smiled again and dropped an English muffin into the toaster. 

I heard my bedroom door open, and Becca looked at me questioningly. I shook my head and smiled, letting her know she did not need to vacate the kitchen.

Matthew came around the kitchen, saw Becca and smiled sheepishly. “Morning, Rebecca,” he said, running his hand through his hair. “I already apologized to Lys – to your mom, but I feel like I owe you one, too.

Becca smiled and held out her hand, “Apology accepted. And please, call me Becca. Everyone in the family does.”

With that comment, Matthew graced Becca with one of his million-watt smiles. Becca couldn’t help but smile back. “Thanks, Becca,” Matthew said graciously, taking her hand.

Becca then surprised both of us by reaching up and hugging him. “You’re welcome,” she pulled back and looked him in the face, “but if you hurt my mom, my brothers will be the least of your worries,” she said seriously.

Matthew threw back his head and laughed. “Yeah, after Christmas night, you don’t need to tell ME that!

I sipped Alvarinho as I looked out at the azure waters of the Atlantic Ocean from the balcony of Matthew’s beachfront home in Cascais, Portugal. Matthew was on the phone with Audrey. I heard him tell her he loved her and hang up. He came up behind me and leaned down to plant a kiss on my forehead, then he took the seat beside me and gazed out on the ocean, too.

“How’s Audrey?” I asked.

“Good,” he answered. “She said to tell you ‘hi,’” he smiled at me. “Portland is dreary, though, so Audrey wanted to know if she and her boyfriend can come use this house for vacation next month,” he chuckled.

I pretended to groan. “We’ve only been here ten days! Do we have to leave?” I whined.

“Yes! Robert will kill me if he doesn’t get you back!”

Portugal had been absolutely everything I’d ever dreamed of. Secretly, I thought Molly was right: I had lived a past life here. A very happy past life, if my contentment just breathing the air was any measure of it. The food, the wine, the people, the scenery… it was one magical experience after another.

“Fine. But when can we come back?” I grinned over my wine glass. “Because I may be from north Idaho, but no way in hell am I braving the Atlantic in January! And I want to swim!”

“Well, I usually spend most of May and June here,” he said slowly.

“Will you this year? I can’t take that much time off work,” I bit my lip, unhappy at the idea that Matthew would be away from me for months.

“I don’t think
all
of May and June. Maybe just two or three weeks, you know, like a normal honeymoon,” Matthew said that last bit nervously, and looked alarmed as I sat up so abruptly, I spilled my wine.

“A
what
?! What the hell?!?” I gasped as Matthew dropped to one knee and pulled a black box from his pocket.

“I kept waiting for the right time – ”

I leapt up from my chair and circled around behind it. “Matthew! I… what… how can you… it’s only been a few months!” I was so flabbergasted I could barely speak.

“Lyssa, I am a grown man. I know what I want. And what I want is
you
. For the rest of my life. Every minute of every day.” Still kneeling, he looked up at me and said, “Will you marry me?”

My mouth was so dry I couldn’t speak. I’d spilled my wine, so I grabbed his and took a gulp. “What about Audrey? What about your money? We’d need a pre-nup, and I love my job – ” my mind was spinning. I couldn’t wrap my brain around how much my life had changed.

Matthew finally hopped up and came around the chair to me. “Lyssa, take a breath,” he was still nervous. I hadn’t said yes. “We will figure all that out. Audrey has a trust fund. My mother is taken care of. There is no need for a pre-nup. I love you. Now. Always,” he looked into my eyes, showing me so much love in that look, it took my breath away. “Marry me,” he said softly.

I swallowed again. In the end, all I had was my heart. And my heart knew better than my head: my heart wasn’t freaking out. “Yes,” I said softly. “Yes! Oh, Matthew, YES!”

His smile… I’d never seen such pure joy on his face before. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me, and the world swam around me.

He pulled away and opened the black box, and I gasped. It had to be two carats, at least. Emerald-cut, set in white gold. I gasped and pulled away. “Oh my god, I can’t wear that!”

“Why not?” he looked confused.

“Jesus, Matthew! I won’t be able to lift my finger!”

He smiled knowingly. “Just try it on,” he coaxed.

So I did. And then I wouldn’t take it off.

“Molly is going to drop a brick,” I whispered. “Matthew,” I said quickly, “Let’s get married here! In this house! It’ll just be my kids, Molly, J.J., Jared, Robert and Alan for me. What about you?”

He was shaking his head, “Uh, just Audrey, her boyfriend, I guess, and my mom and her sister,” a slow smile spread across his face. “Sure! Let’s do it here!” He kissed me again. “But why here? Why not at home?”

“I guess,” I said slowly, “I guess because I just want to share
this,
” I gestured around, “with the people I love. And,” I bit my lip.

“What?”

“Well, everything about home is about my
old
life. This, this right here, this is my new life.
Our
new life.”

“You’re right!” he said, and kissed me again. Suddenly, I started to giggle.

“What?” he asked, incredulous.

“I bet Kyle will buy my house from me!” I laughed.

“Let’s hope so,” Matthew said, holding me tight. “Because I want to give you everything.”

I looked into those deep green eyes and said honestly, “You already have.”

END