Authors: Blue Ashcroft
So if I don’t have sex with Ryan, what keeps him here?
And why is he touching me like that? It makes me hurt inside, somewhere deep and achy, and it also feels so good that I want to lock his hands to me and never let him go.
“Ryan, someone’s inside,” I blurt out, out of nowhere, against his mouth.
He pulls back. “Who?”
His face is so gorgeous and smooth, eyes dark green and long lashed, long, straight nose, perfect jaw. Like some kind of underwear model. I don’t want to see hurt on that face.
“Just someone. A friend. He needs a place to stay.”
He rubs my arms and sits back, exhaling. “Okay. Why are you telling me this?”
“I thought you should know. I just…I don’t know what this is,” I say.
He closes his eyes and folds his arms. I check out his pecs, as usual. I wish Zach had muscles like Ryan, was tall like Ryan. But Zach is safe and familiar, and I know how to handle him. Ryan stirs me up inside and makes me afraid. Of what, I don’t know.
“What
what
is?”
“This,” I say, gesturing between us. “I mean, it feels good, don’t get me wrong. I don’t even know why it feels good. But I stand by what I said before. That we aren’t meant to be together. Maybe friends make good makeout buddies, but that’s all it is.”
Feelings don’t really matter. In the end they just complicate things. Some people are just compatible, and the more similar, the better. Maybe Zach and I are already destined to be together. Already both screwed up, already both from a world Ryan couldn’t possibly understand.
How could Ryan help me through the things I feel when he can’t possibly know what they are, like Zach does?
Ryan’s sweet, a fantasy, and some girl will be happy with him.
But I’d only be a novelty. I’m his first, and he’s just confused, but if I do the right thing and let him go, he’ll move on, and eventually see that it was never gonna work.
He’s so innocent, so untried, and I don’t know how that’s gonna change being with me. He just wants me because he can’t have me, and once he can, I’ll be alone, and in a very dark place after losing something so good. Best not to rise above my station. Best to stay in the dark with Zach and work together there.
Ryan folds his arms. “I just don’t get it.”
“You will. I don’t know how to show you other than to reject you,” I say, standing.
“Don’t Ally. Wait…” He stands as well. “You don’t have to do this. There’s no rush. I just wanted to show you how I felt. I do want you, like that. I do think about you, like that.”
“Like what?” I say, coming forward, eyes narrowed.
“You know.” He sweeps me with his eyes, an animal look very unlike Ryan in his gaze. He’s tall, and commanding, but I know it’s an illusion, because he knows what I want him to be and he’s trying to be that regardless of whether that’s who he is.
“I know.” I back up to the door. “But Ryan, I don’t know how to tell you, but it’s not going to work. You and I, we’re like fire and ice. Too different. One of us is going to disappear when we meet up.” I put a hand up to my face. “Ha ha, look at me, all poetic and shiz. But the truth is, I’m more experienced than you. You haven’t even had a girlfriend. You can’t possibly know that you want me. Just think about it. I’m all wrong for you.”
“How do you know what’s right for me?” He says, coming forward, backing me into the door. “I’m not a baby. I’m not that innocent. So I like sex with feelings, what’s wrong with that? So I like you, because you’re a bit crazy, and you don’t take crap from anyone, and yeah, because you’re different from me and that pushes me.” He puts a hand above me on the door. “And maybe I’m not your masculine ideal. Maybe I’m not your badass. But I push you and you push me, and you know it. Maybe I haven’t been through all the stuff you’ve been through, but I’m trying to understand Ally. I’m trying to come out into the storm with you, if you’ll just stop running.”
“I don’t need you in the storm with me,” I say, trying to ignore the lightning shooting through me at his proximity. The intensity of his eyes in the moonlight. His promise to come with me into the dark. “I don’t believe you can stay there. You’d just keep trying to drag me out into the sun, and then…”
“Then what?” His eyes soften.
“Nothing. Just, just stop trying to change me, to be with me. You’ll just hurt me.”
“How, Ally?” He thumps his fist on the door above me in frustration. “Why will it hurt you when all I want is to not hurt you?”
I tilt my face up to his, pondering whether I want to get one last kiss out of him before I go back inside and shut him out forever. I decide no, because it would be too painful. “See?” I say, reaching for the doorknob behind me. “You don’t understand me at all. For me, not hurting is just asking to be hurt.”
He pushes away from the door and I turn the handle. When I open the door, Zach is standing behind it, dark eyes glaring out at us, straight black hair standing up everywhere. He’s a bit shorter than me, nowhere near as tall as Ryan. I look between them. Zach is stocky and half shaven, Ryan is tall and elegant and handsome. It’s clear who I belong with. I go into the door and Zach pulls me against his side.
“This guy bothering you Ally?”
I shake my head and let Zach slip a hand around my waist and pull me closer. I’ll slap him off when the door is closed, but for now I want Ryan to see this, see how well this fits compared to him and me.
Ryan narrows his eyes on him, on his hand at my side. For once, he doesn’t look that gentle. His eyes are angry, flashing. He looks like he wants to step forward, but he doesn’t, just stands there in that almost relaxed stance. Like a panther.
He’d be worse if he knew who was with me. I can’t tell him. I don’t know what stupid things he’d do if he knew who was staying with me.
He wouldn’t understand that it’s complicated, that Zach has hurt me once or twice, but that I’m still closer to him than anyone else. That it was always an accident, and that a part of me still missed him even after the divorce.
Ryan doesn’t know what it’s like to choose between being alone and homeless, and having an imperfect family that others would probably tear you away from for being ‘abusive’.
Besides, Zach’s trying.
And somehow, he’s just not as dangerous as Ryan.
“Goodnight Ryan, see you at work tomorrow,” I say, and I close the door, blocking his face out of sight before I can see the hurt there.
I did try to warn him.
Chapter 14
“Who was that dude?” Zach asks, after I push out of his arms and plop down on the couch, legs sprawled so there’s no room for him to join me.
“Friend from work.”
“Yeah, what were you doing in the hall with him?” Zach plops on the sofa opposite. Both are beat up and dirty, and we match them.
“Just talking.”
“Does he know who I am?”
“No, if he did, he’d beat you up.” I try to stay casual, legs crossed and feet up on the arm. I’m keeping distance between us, now that there’s no Ryan to make a point to.
Zach sits forward, a look I don’t like in his eyes. “Why?”
I just give him a glare and fold my arms. “Like I said, he’s my friend.”
“What did you tell him?” For a minute, the friendliness from before is gone, and there’s something predatory about him. He’s still wearing the leather jacket he wore on the motorcycle ride here. I can’t believe he went across the country that way. He plays with the zipper and it clinks. “Don’t matter I guess. Pansy ass long hair couldn’t do shit to me.”
I wince. I guess I got used to not hearing the swearing, which is really hypocritical since I used to swear constantly. He’s like me. I remind myself that this is a good thing. And he’s here now, and he’s sorry, and things will be right again.
No, I think, remembering the night he tore the door off my car. Things will never be right again, even if I want them to be. Like my car door, our relationship will always be a bit off kilter, a bit fragile and broken. Never quite the same.
That’s the whole reason I came here. So why does a part of me just want to hug him and forget any of the bad times? I need to shake myself out of it.
“I’ve really missed you Ally. I’m really sorry.”
I take a deep breath and continue to glare at him, letting him know that it’s not enough.
“I went to therapy. I know why I’m messed up. I want another chance.”
I close my eyes and try to draw steely strength from within me. I need to be the Ally I am at work, and with Ryan. Someone strong and untouchable. Someone who doesn’t take crap. But when I’m with Zach, it’s like I’m seventeen again, with no one but him to depend upon.
The Zach in front of me has grown up though. He’s thicker, and harder somehow. I don’t know what he’s been through in the last year. I don’t really care. I just need to make sure not to do anything stupid.
“Give me another chance. Come on Ally.” He stands and drops the coat on the floor on his way over to me. He kneels by the couch and I take my feet down and face him. I don’t want to be on my back when he’s that close.
It’s such a confusing thing, to be terrified of someone and in love with them at the same time. I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore, but it’s like there are echoes there, that keep throwing me back into the past.
I try to remember the bad times, and the reasons I shouldn’t let him close. I take a deep breath and sigh.
“I see you’re back to dressing butch.”
My eyes fly open and I open my mouth to chew him out, but he cuts me off.
“It looks good. Don’t get your panties in a wad.”
I glare and stand to push past him.
“You still wear panties now, under all those boy clothes?”
“You wish,” I say, passing him, trying to look casual as I open the fridge and pull out the milk carton. I’m about to drink straight out of the top when I realize he does that too, probably did it while I was outside. I set it back inside and slump on a chair at the kitchen table.
Why did I send Ryan away? Sure it’s dark and familiar here with Zach, but it’s also kind of unpleasant. I just need to go to work. I just need to see a sparkling pool deck and be in control there.
That’s right, I have work now, and college, and friends, and I don’t need to cower to Zach. In fact, he stalked me here.
“So, where am I sleeping?”
I glance back at the bedroom. No way I’m sleeping in the house with him. I can’t throw him out on the street, there’s too much history.
I’m so confused that my head hurts. So much has happened in just one day. “How long are you staying?”
“As long as it takes to win you back.” Zach comes closer, his feet thudding heavily on the kitchen floor. I back away. “You’re the love of my life Ally. I know that now. There’s never going to be anyone but you for me, and anyone but me for you.”
He reaches for my hair and I pull back, leaning against the counter and bending backwards, out of reach. My lower back hurts. I don’t know who I should be with. Maybe no one right now.
“You know that, right Ally? There’s never gonna be anyone else for us.”
I bite my lip and taste blood. He’s only saying the same things I said moments ago when I wanted to chase off Ryan, but now I’m realizing the price for my cowardice. The true meaning of choosing the dark and familiar over the bright and frightening.
I don’t want to go into the darkness with him, and I don’t want to go into the light either. “I don’t know that, Zach.”
His eyes and mouth harden, and his five o’ clock shadow looks more ominous, for a moment. Then he softens and steps back. “What can I do to show you, Ally girl?”
“Maybe nothing Zach. Look, you should go back home.” Even as I say it I’m not sure I mean it.
“You throwing me out?”
“No,” I say, clutching my arms around me. “I’m kicking myself out. You can stay till you figure things out, but I can’t stay here with you. I’ll go to a friend’s.”
“You scared of me, Ally? Haven’t you forgiven me?” His hands clench into fists at his side. “I swear, never again.”
“I want to believe you, but even if I did, I’m a different girl now,” I say. “I have a new life now. You should have moved on too.”
“I did. But I didn’t leave you in the dirt. Never thought you’d just shut me out completely.”
“Well, I did run for it. That’s generally the idea when you leave and don’t tell someone where you’re going.”
He sighs, a rough noise very unlike Ryan’s soft exhale. I guess badasses sigh after all. “I know, but you know, I thought you wanted me to chase you.” He lifts his hands, seeing that I’m still standing away from him, defensive and closed off. “Fine, I’ll need a job to earn the money to go home. Then I’m out of your hair.”
It aches inside, thinking of him leaving. Aches in the part of me that loved him. But I know deep down that it’s the only way. I’m not ready to be with someone like Ryan, but I’ve also grown too much to fit in the dark box that Zach’s inviting me back into, no matter how safe and familiar it is.
“You can take the bedroom. I’m going to a friend’s house,” I say, leaving no chance for him to respond. I head out to Big Blue, drive to work, to the back of one of the parking lots, and pull my jacket around me. I’m used to sleeping here. I did when I first moved, before I had enough for an apartment. Luckily lifeguard interviews don’t require fancy dress, or showers. I lock the doors and make it my own little safe space.
I lay my head against the steering wheel and nod off, thinking of Ryan’s kiss and how being in his world all of the time would feel really different, but really good.
Chapter 15
Sun washes over me as I wake up, leaving me sticky and groggy. After a few nights in my car, the sleep or lack thereof is really starting to get to me.
Hopefully Ryan will be in today, because I’m not going to be able to do early morning training on my own. He hasn’t been in the last few days, and while he has every right to avoid me, he shouldn’t avoid work.
I stretch and sit up as a shadow falls over Big Blue. I nearly jump out of my pants when I see someone standing next to the car, looking in. Someone tall, with striking features. Someone who looks suspiciously like Ryan.