Harder (8 page)

“Is it going to make you mad at him?” She’s smart. Too smart to tell me too much. Her voice is sing-songy and as ideal for a female voice as Ryan’s is for a male voice. They should both go be voice actors and leave the rest of us alone.

“Yeah, probably.”

“Then I’m not saying. But you like him. I can tell.”

“Oh?” I fold my arms. “How?”

“I’ve seen the ‘badass’ clothes you got him.”

“He got them, I just helped.”

“Right, and he’d totally dress that way on his own.”

“How well do you know him, anyway?” I ask.

“Why, jealous?”

“No.” Yes. “I just didn’t know you two knew each other that well.”

“We’re friends. We went to the same school, you know. If you have to know, we were both peer mentors for the special needs classroom. I worked with the kids with autism, he worked with the kids who—”

“The kids who use sign language. I know.”

“How?”

“We have a class together.”

“Interesting. Didn’t know you signed.”

“It’s an easy class,” I lie. “I didn’t know you worked with autistic kids.”

“Kids with autism,” she corrects.

“Anyway…”

“Yes. Anyway. Ryan is waiting for you, and you are going to go out with him and then call me after.”

“I’ll see you later, then,” I say, turning away before she can respond. I drop into the senior office and grab one of Knight’s hats off the desk, winking at Rain. Hopefully he doesn’t mind. It’s bright out there and my hair’s a mess. With Knight’s hat firmly in place and my wallet chained to my belt loop, I’m finally ready to face Ryan. I push open the heavy back door and head into the sun.

Chapter 7

I brace myself as Ally comes out the back door. She’s wearing one of Knight’s hats again, and I’m tempted to steal all of them from him because she looks so much better in them than he does.

She’s so relaxed as she walks towards me. Hat smashed to the side, hands in her cargos, wallet chain swinging. She looks around, then sees me and jogs over. I wonder what she’d look like in heels rather than converses. At the same time I never want to see her like that, because it’s not her.

“So where’s your ride?” She waves at the lot.

“Over here.” I lead her to my car, wincing and ready for another reaction like the one she had at the house. “This one.” I stop by my silver Mercedes.

“You drive a Mercedes.” Her voice is flat.

“Yes…” I get in and pop the lock so she can get in too. She just stares down at the door. I wait while she takes a deep breath, sighs up at the sky, and then yanks open the door and slumps down beside me.

“Not gonna hold it against me?”

She sighs and folds her arms, blowing a wisp of hair out of her face. “I guess if you don’t hold it against me for being a poor slob I won’t hold it against you for being a rich prick.”

“It’s a pretty old car.”

“It’s a Mercedes. What was it, a sixteenth birthday present?”

“No. A prom present.”

“Your parents gave you a new car for prom?”

“No. They gave me a used car, because no one would go to prom with me and I was home alone that night. They thought it might help me make friends.”

She’s silent for a moment, then rolls the window part of the way down, then back up. “Nice windows.”

“Thanks.”

She turns to me. “Hey Ryan, do you think it could have been the hair? I mean, kids aren’t used to hair.”

“No. I grew the hair to hide from people. When I got older people started liking it so I kept it.”

“Why did you have to hide?”

“Cause I was a freak.” I try to take a turn calmly and the car over-corrects. It’s hard to stay calm thinking about back then. I don’t ever want to go back there.

“Why were you a freak?”

I sigh. I guess I was expecting her to say I wasn’t one. But honestly if she’d been at my school, she probably would have been one of the cool kids, one of the kids pointing at the freak in the glasses who couldn’t talk right. “I didn’t talk like the others.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think? I only hung around deaf people. I had ASL grammar. I didn’t learn to speak properly until I got to school. And I didn’t like it.”

“Did you tell your parents?”

“No. No point.”

“Couldn’t they send you to a deaf school?”

“I’m not deaf. I’m sort of culturally deaf I guess. But I’m not ever really going to be a full part of that world. I have one foot in each. It’s why I love college. I get to hang out with hearing people and yet be a part of deaf culture. I feel included. Wanted.”

“Wow. That’s the most I think I’ve heard out of you yet.” She leans her chair back and puts her feet up on the dash, then takes them down. “Is it still okay to put my feet up in a Mercedes?”

“Sure.” I laugh.

“Good, ‘cause it being fancy kind of makes me want to put my feet on it even more.”

I laugh again. “Okay then.”

She smiles at me. “I like making you laugh. You have a pretty laugh.”

“Thanks.” We’re at a light so I can meet her gaze. Her eyes are such a pretty shade of gray. When she blinks her ash blonde eyelashes I find myself totally distracted. For a moment the car is just silent, as we watch each other. I can feel my temperature rise a bit, just connecting with her like this. I want to touch her. I keep wanting to touch her more. I want to connect with her on the inside as well as the outside. I bite my lip and turn back to the road as a car behind us honks to let us know the light is green.

“Sorry. Distracting you.”

“I know. Calling my laugh pretty. I don’t know if I should be insulted.”

“Says the boy with Pantene Pro-V hair.”

“How did you know?” I flip my hair back with one hand. “That’s just what I use.”

“You do?” Her eyes go wide.

“No.” I laugh again, noticing for the first time that it really is a deep, pleasant sound. I’d never thought to listen to the sound of my voice and actually analyze how it sounded. Ally’s my first hearing friend that is more interested in helping me into hearing culture than me helping her into deaf culture.

Sure, all the ASL junkies want to hang out with a CODA and meet my parents and other deaf people, but Ally isn’t about that. She just wants to get to know me. And I just want to get to know her.

We pull up in front of a nice seafood restaurant that’s one of my favorites. She looks up at the sign and wrinkles her nose. “Fish?”

“You ever had lobster?”

“You mean those giant shrimp things?” She wrinkles her face further, till she looks like one of the wrinkly forehead Star Trek aliens.

“Sort of. Just come try it. You’ve had a long day.”

She growls and shoves the door open, but follows me in. I grab the door for her and she storms in. “Fine. I’ll try the gross shrimpy things. But if it’s gross I’mma shove it down your throat.”

“It’s not gross. If it is, I’ll take you for burgers.” But I don’t want to give her burgers. I’ve already figured out that food and nice things are two of her weaknesses. I’m hoping to combine the two right now, and create another unforgettable memory with her.

We sit and she looks around the restaurant self-consciously. She’s in a hat and shorts and the interior is nice. The owner comes out and says hi to me, and she warms when he extends a hand and tells her it’s a pleasure to meet her.

My family has been coming here since I was little and they know us well. I can tell by the waiter’s smile as he comes to the table that he knows he’s getting a ludicrous tip.

“So are you gonna order for me and everything? I’ve seen them do that in movies.”

I nod. “If that’s okay with you. Do you want a drink?”

“I don’t got an I.D.”

“Non-alcoholic.” I smile.

“Oh. Sure. Whatever you get.”

I order us two virgin Pina Coladas, and enjoy the smile that spreads over her face when the frothy white drinks are delivered. “Enjoy.”

“Now this, I can tell this will be effing delicious.” She yanks the paper off the tip of the straw and sucks loudly on the drink, then sits back with a loud, satisfied sigh that makes me feel warm inside.

I sip my drink and Ally watches me while vacuuming hers up as fast as she can. She stares intently, like she’s trying to race me, but I simply put my drink aside to study the menu. She finishes the drink and sits back with a groan and a hand to her head.

“Head freeze.”

“No kidding.” I smirk, but wave to the waiter for another while she’s busy pounding on her head with her hand.

“Just really freakin’ good. Do you have those a lot?”

“I guess not. They’re pretty sweet.”

“I wonder if I can buy another one, for myself.” She opens the menu, presumably to check prices. I grab it away.

“I’m ordering remember?” I say, as the waiter sets another drink in front of her. Her eyes widen, but she pulls off the paper and drinks again, this time slower.

After a moment she pushes the drink to the side. “That’s good. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” I’ve already ordered and handed the menus back to the waiter. She rests her head on her arms and looks up at me inquisitively.

“So with all of this, why didn’t the girls just fall all over you?”

“Maybe they didn’t know about any of this.”

“You should have told them. Anyone would be lucky to have dated you.” She says it in a quiet voice, and I don’t know what to make of her tone.

“I don’t want them to like me for that.” I don’t want her to like me for that either. Yeah, I like to take care of a girl, and I’ll use money along with anything else to put a smile on her face, but I don’t want them to want me just because I can. I want them to just want
me
.

Then again, Ally doesn’t really want me at all. Except as a friend. I’m sure that even as she’s eating lobster with me she’ll be assuring herself it doesn’t mean anything, that she’s just helping me get other girls. So I can be normal and get nookie and such. I sigh and mess with my straw.

“Something wrong?” She touches my hand with hers, then flushes and pulls back, looking away. “You sighed. I thought we talked about that not being badass.”

“I thought we gave up on me being badass.”

“Oh right, because you don’t actually like badass chicks.”

“I like one,” I say, looking up into her gray eyes.

“Oh.” She pulls her hand all the way back and sits up. She leans against the back of her chair and slumps down and stares out the window. When our food comes, she picks up her fork, but then puts it down again and pushes the plate away.

“Listen, Ryan. I know what you’re into. I know what you want, but I told you before and I’ll stand by it, you’re barking up the wrong tree. ‘Cause I know what I want too, and I don’t want that again.”

“Want what?”

“Marriage. Commitment.” She waves her hand. “All of it. I just want to be young and free. And I like nookie.” She glares up at me like she’s expecting me to challenge her on it. I don’t.

“Anyway, I’m liking hanging out with you. I like your place and your folks, and the food, and hell, I just kind of like
you
. A bit. But I don’t want to lead you on. I’m not going there.”

“There?”

“You know.” She waves her hand again, bigger this time. “All of that.”

“Just what do you think I want?”

She frowns and pulls her plate closer. Eyes it and then sniffs it. “I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s the same as what I want.”

“I think you’re right,” I say after a long pause. I don’t want to admit it, because it’s like saying it out loud will make it more true. “But I’m still having fun with you right now. Isn’t that okay?”

“Is that enough for you?” she asks, poking her lobster with her fork. The tail is fluffed up on the shell, and the warmed butter next to it will soon solidify if we don’t hurry.

“Yes.” It’s not really, but I want her to eat her lobster. Plus, I don’t know what to say when enough isn’t enough, but it’s all you can get.

When saying you want more will get you nothing. In that way, I guess anything is more enough than nothing.

She takes a bite of the lobster and sighs in contentment. I lean back in my chair and enjoy watching her.

It’s enough. It has to be.

***

“Lobster is amazing,” I say, hoping to put the smile back on his face. He hasn’t seemed happy since our little conversation. “It’s like eating a cloud.”

“Yeah?” He opens the door for me to his car, and I’m happy enough about the food that I let him.

“Yeah. It’s like a steak, but like a cloud. A cloud steak. I thought steak was the best food, but I think cloud steak is better.”

He smiles, genuinely this time, and goes to get in on his side. He starts up the car and it purrs. The leather seats are smooth as silk beneath me and his car still has new car smell even though it’s probably ten years old.

I run my hand over the dash, marveling at how different it is from the LeBaron. Doesn’t have as much character as Big Blue though. I win at character.

He pulls up to the parking lot where Big Blue is parked and waits in silence. I don’t open the door yet. Even though he isn’t speaking, it seems like there’s something he needs to say. I wouldn’t call myself a patient person, but for some reason I give him more time than others.

“Why not?” He stares forward, gripping the wheel with those long, hot hands and fingers.

“Why not what?” I ask, though I think I already know where this is going. I want to avoid it, and maybe if I force him to spell it out, he’ll back off.

“Why not us?” His deep voice sounds troubled. I’m beginning to wonder if befriending him was a mistake. I mean, sure I’ve been attracted to the dude since I first met him last year.

And I enjoyed flirting with him, teasing him, and thinking about him. But shiz got real when he kissed me this season and I should have realized we probably couldn’t be just friends.

“Your hair.”

“My hair?”

“Yeah. I don’t do long hair, it’s girly.”

He sighs. “Is that all? If I cut it, would you want me?”

I sigh and slump against the door. “Probably not. You aren’t my type.”

“Not badass?”

“It’s not that. It’s just, you’re too nice for me.”