Hardwired (The Hardwired Series) (Volume 1) (15 page)

“Just doing a little research.” He didn’t look up.

“What kind of research?”

He closed the laptop and set it to the side, his expression softening when our eyes met. “I think I found him,” he said quietly.

“Who?”

He folded his hands in his lap.

Oh God.
My stomach turned, threatening my breakfast. My thoughts were still foggy from sleep and now reeled as I processed what Blake had just told me.

“How?” I sat up straight and tried to shake the cobwebs.

“I pulled the transaction records from the restaurant. Specifically the bar. I narrowed it down pretty easily from there based on his age and alma mater.”

“I don’t even want to know how you did that,” I said. This was too much. He’d gone too far.

“Well, I wasn’t planning on telling you anyway. How I found the information is far less important than the actual information, don’t you think?”

“Why would you do this? It doesn’t even matter.”

“You don’t think that identifying the man who raped you matters?” He raised his eyebrows.

“At this point in my life, no. Why do I need a name for a face I’d rather forget?”

“You could still press charges against him. You’re well within the statute of limitations.”

“And what would I say? Hello, Officer, I was eighteen and drunk at a frat house when this asshole had his way with me. I bet they’ve never heard that one before.”

“What if he’s still doing this?”

What if I wasn’t the only one? My throat became thick and tight at the thought. As much as I blamed myself for getting into such a perilous situation, deep down I knew no one deserved to go through what I did. I would have done almost anything to erase the painful memory from my past.

“I have to go.” I stood up quickly, but the sudden movement made me dizzy, nearly throwing me off balance as I made my way down the hall to the bedroom.

“Erica, don’t go.”

I disappeared into the bedroom. A teal sundress lay on the bed, which Blake must have collected from my place while I was sleeping. On top of it lay the lacy white panties that had gone missing in Blake’s Vegas hotel room.

Damn it.
I dressed quickly and grabbed the rest of my things. He met me in the doorway but I pushed past him, avoiding his eyes so I wouldn’t lose my resolve. I rushed out and flew down the stairs. I paused at my door, listening for his footsteps, but I heard nothing. I entered my apartment and latched the chain, just in case he changed his mind and decided to use the keys I knew he had.

* * *

New York was unseasonably warm when I arrived a few days later. I had avoided Blake’s messages and was grateful when he didn’t seek me out. Thanks to our living situation, simply knowing his proximity was distracting enough, and I needed time to think. The past few days had been intense.

I cabbed a short ride from JFK to an address Alli gave me in Brooklyn Heights. The driver pulled up to a stone multi-story building with an ornate overhang. I entered the expansive lobby and greeted the doorman who smiled politely.

“I’m Erica Hathaway. I’m here to see Alli Malloy.”

“Certainly, you’re expected. She’s in Mr. Landon’s suite, number forty-two.”

“Thanks,” I said, trying to hide my surprise. So much for my grand plan of staying under the radar for a few days in New York.

I knocked once and waited a few seconds. I knocked again louder—still nothing. I huffed and tried the doorknob. Just as I did, Alli opened it, her eyes bright and her skin flushed, looking like...well, I knew that look. She reached for me and pulled me into a tight hug.

“You’re here!”

I hugged her back. I had missed her terribly. She felt small and warm in my arms. Had she lost weight? Before I could mention it, she pulled back and appraised me. New York was beastly hot today, so I had dressed in cut off denim shorts and some layered tanks, topped with a white fedora, just for fun.

“You look so cute,” she said.

“Yeah, um, you too.” I wished I meant it.

“Oh God, no, I’m a mess. I just, um, I just got up from a nap.”

“Some nap,” I said, noting the just-fucked hairdo she was trying to smooth out as we walked into the enormous open layout of the condo with unobstructed views of the Manhattan skyline.

She laughed a little and blushed. I looked around, expecting to see Heath right around the corner, but he was nowhere in sight.

“Nice place,” I said.

“I know, right?”

The condo itself was nothing short of impressive, everything and more than I expected from someone in the Landon family. The ceilings were high, characterized by exposed dark wood beams and matching hardwood floors. The furniture and décor were muted with periodic pops of color, mainly deep reds, a color that seemed to suit Heath, though I wasn’t entirely sure why. The decor reminded me of Blake’s place in Boston.

“Can I get you a drink?” Alli asked.

“Sure, anything with ice. I’ve been melting out there.”

She busied herself in the kitchen while I settled at one of the bar stools at the island.

“So when were you going to tell me you were staying with Heath?”

She leaned into the counter. “I’m sorry, Erica. I just figured it might be easier to explain in person.”

“You can stay with whoever you want, Alli. It would have been nice to know though. Blake doesn’t know I’m here.”

She frowned, and I heard a door open down the hallway. Heath emerged, freshly showered and dressed, a content smile on his face. He looked more like Blake than I remembered. I couldn’t shake the sense that something lay hidden beneath all of his charm. Sure, Blake had layers. Many in fact, but he didn’t mask them as conspicuously.

“Erica, long time no see.” He gave me a quick hug before joining Alli in the kitchen. He kissed her and I looked away.

My chest tightened, and my thoughts went to Blake. What lengths would I go to have him here kissing me that way? Still, I knew better. Whether or not he agreed, I needed some space to make sense of what had happened. The way Blake had pried into my life was completely unacceptable, and illegal. The violation had left me raw and vulnerable.

I swiveled on the stool, stood, and walked to the massive windows overlooking the park below. I wondered how much of this was a result of Blake’s support, or if Heath actually contributed to his lifestyle in any way. Maybe I was being too hard on him. He was obviously sweeping Alli off her feet, which I’d never seen happen in the three years I’d known her. I hoped it wasn’t too good to be true, for her sake.

“Are you hungry? I was thinking we could get lunch,” Alli said.

“That’d be great.”

“Let me show you your room.” Alli reached for my bag.

Heath took it from her swiftly and led us both down a hall opposite to the one he’d previously emerged from.

I peeked into a nice-sized bedroom decorated with the same muted off-white tones and a deep red bedspread. I regretted I wouldn’t be sharing it with Blake. The vision of him spread out under me, or vice versa, was more than appealing. The memory of our last time together washed over me, and my eyes misted. I shook my head. I needed to get Blake out of my system.

Heath and Alli were adorable together, and energy radiated off them in a very familiar way. I’d only been here ten minutes and I already felt like I was horning in on their privacy. Before I could give it a second thought, they said their goodbyes and Alli and I were back on the hot city streets, walking briskly toward a destination I sincerely hoped had air conditioning.

Alli and I devoured a plate of calamari between sips of Prosecco as we waited for the main course, which for me was a pile of carbs in the form of homemade ravioli. Going through Blake withdrawal had involved a serious lack of appetite, but being around Alli made me feel relaxed again and comfortable enough that my hunger had returned with a fury.

When I came up for air, I asked her about work. “How do you like the new job?”

“I love it, most of the time, anyway. It’s crazy, fast-paced, and can be stressful running around after everyone, but I feel like it’s a major step toward where I want to be.”

“That’s exciting.”

“It really is. And I’m totally making connections for you, by the way. Heath hooked me up with someone who’s getting us into an opening at a gallery tomorrow night.”

“An art show?” I said, wondering what that had to do with fashion and me.

“Yes. It’ll be very chic and a lot of super important people will be there.”

“Chic, eh? I suppose.” I eyeballed the plate of steaming pasta that the server set in front of me. I took my first bite, my senses overwhelmed with the flavors of pumpkin, cinnamon, and nutmeg that oozed out of the firm squares.
Heaven
, I thought. I could replace sex with food, surely.

“What’s going on with Blake?”

An unexpected wave of emotion surged through me. Pumpkin ravioli could make me forget, but only for a little while. I told her about the last day I spent with Blake. From meeting with Max to getting screwed to the door by Blake. The good, bad, and the ugly.

“Do you love him?” she asked.

“Are you kidding me?” My voice was shrill, the very mention of the L word launching me out of my longing and headlong into panic and fear.

“Is that such a crazy thing to ask?”

“Are you in love with Heath?” I spat out, desperate to change the subject but scared of what she might say.

She swallowed hard and ate a fork full of pasta.

“There.” I countered, vindicated.

“I am,” she whispered, almost too quiet for me to hear.

We ate in silence for a while. I wasn’t sure why, but the news saddened me. I’d had Alli all to myself for three years. We shared everything, looked out for each other, and together helped build the business that gave me purpose today. In a matter of weeks she had eyes for no one but Heath. Feeling jealous was irrational, because above everything, I wanted her to be happy, even at the expense of our friendship.

“Is he good for you?” I asked.

“We fit,” she said simply. “Things aren’t always perfect, but somehow they always seem right. We’re figuring it out.”

“Well I’m happy for you. I want you to know that.”

Her features relaxed and she reached over and grabbed my hand across the table. I knew then that she had been waiting for my approval all this time. Was I really so hot-headed that she’d been holding her breath all this time for me to give her the okay?

“I’m so glad you’re here. I miss you,” she said.

“I miss you too. Sometimes it feels like we’re a million miles away.”

“We’re not though. I’m always here for you.”

I smiled and nodded, not wanting to bring up the fact that she’d been largely unreachable since moving to New York. Still, I felt better hearing her say it. With Blake out of my world at the moment, rekindling life back into my friendship with Alli was more than welcome, even if I had to share her with Heath.

* * *

With Alli at work, I spent most of the day catching up on my own. The heat was a little more bearable, so I took a few breaks and meandered around the park to collect my thoughts and people watch. As dozens of tiny figures walked across the bridge to Manhattan, I tried to imagine what it might be like to be a New Yorker.

Maybe it was time for a change. Alli was so blissed out here, due in large part to Heath jumping her bones expertly and frequently it seemed, based on the very little sleep I’d gotten the previous night. But maybe I could be happy here too.

I pulled up Blake’s text thread in my phone more than once, tempted to write to him. I missed him, but after days of silence, maybe I’d lost my chance. Obviously being with me wasn’t going to be easy. One minute I was screwing his brains out and the next minute I was completely freaking out on him. I’d left him in the heat of the moment, not knowing how to react to the bomb he’d dropped on me, and hadn’t even given him a chance to explain or talk about it. I groaned, frustrated in more ways than one.
Fuck
, maybe I did love him, though I had no idea what that really felt like.

I loved Marie. I loved Alli. In my youth, before I knew anything about anything, I loved my mother deeply, with every ounce of my being. Yet I didn't know how to love someone I was sleeping with. With other guys I’d date, keeping a comfortable distance had always been easy, ideal, really. When they wanted to move on, I mostly felt relief that I wouldn’t have to deal with negotiating a more serious commitment that I couldn’t ever see myself fulfilling.

None of the men I dated knew me, really. Now, not only was Blake blowing my mind in bed, he was systematically stripping away the emotional barriers I’d so carefully built around myself over the years. I couldn’t keep up the façade much longer at this rate. I prided myself on portraying an impenetrable image of success, of having it all together, but he broke that down with a few strokes of his fingers and his persistence. His goddamn persistence—which was why I was in this situation to begin with.

I typed a short message into my phone, regretting it the moment I sent it.

I miss you.

Every moment that went by, I wondered if he’d received it. With no word from Blake, I cursed myself for the next several hours as I finished up work and dressed for the gallery opening. I had an image in my mind of mingling with a crowd of snobs in turtlenecks, quietly assessing a collection of art that I might have a hard time appreciating at all. I scolded myself for being so negative, blaming my text to Blake for throwing me off.

I scoured Alli’s closet, appreciating some of her newer additions. Eventually I decided on a pair of tight black crop pants and a bold fuchsia and black lace tunic and pulled my hair back into a tight bun. Unfortunately when I arrived, the motif at the event was strictly black and white, matching the starkness of the artist’s photography.

I spotted Alli chatting with another woman on the other side of the gallery. I slipped through the crowd, drawing attention as I went.
Whatever
, I thought, pushing away my self-consciousness. If I was here to network, the last thing I wanted to be was forgettable.