Harlequin Medical Romance December 2015, Box Set 1 of 2 (40 page)

‘So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?'

Her voice was gentle. Sean knew that if he changed his mind she wouldn't push him. It was up to him if he confessed what he had done—how his actions had resulted in the death of the woman he had been planning to marry. Just for a moment, he wavered, unsure if he could face the condemnation that would surely follow. However, the thought of continually feeling this way was more than he could bear. Even facing Molly's revulsion couldn't be any worse than this.

‘It's all to do with Claire and what happened to her.' He placed the mug on the table when he felt his hands start to tremble. The only way he would get through this was by keeping a tight rein on his emotions. Once he lost control of them then all the remorse and guilt that had consumed him these past years would come spilling out and he couldn't bear to think that Molly would witness it.

‘Who was she? Your girlfriend, I assume.' Molly's voice was just as gentle and undemanding and Sean felt a little more tension seep out of him.

‘Yes. Well, she was my fiancée, actually. We were childhood sweethearts; I suppose that's how people would describe us. Our parents were friends so we grew up together. We were both only children, you see, and it was great to have a sort of surrogate sister to play with.'

‘I see. I can understand how close you must have been,' she said softly.

‘We were, very close, right through school and on into university. Claire studied law at Liverpool while I went to Cambridge and did medicine so we didn't see much of one another, but it didn't make any difference. We just picked up where we'd left off whenever we met up.' He shrugged. ‘It seemed only natural that we should get engaged once we had qualified. Both our families were thrilled, as you might expect, and set about planning our wedding.'

He tailed off, not sure how to tell her the rest. What would Molly think once he told her the truth? Would she blame him, as he blamed himself? Even though it shouldn't have mattered what she thought, he knew deep in his heart that it did.

‘We were both working incredibly hard, trying to establish our careers,' he continued before his courage deserted him. ‘Claire had been accepted for pupillage at a leading firm of barristers in London and I was working as a junior registrar at a London hospital in A&E. Although we shared a flat, we actually saw very little of one another.'

‘It's difficult to find time for a relationship when you're starting out on your career,' Molly agreed, and he sighed.

‘That's what I told myself, especially when we fell out, as we seemed to do with increasing frequency. I told myself that we just needed to get through the next few months and it would get easier once we were married, but the situation grew worse, if anything. It got so bad that I avoided going home some nights, just to get a break from all the arguing. And then one night Claire phoned me at work and told me that she needed to speak to me urgently. I wasn't off duty until eight p.m. so I arranged to meet her at a bar we sometimes went to.

‘It was one of those nights you learn to dread, as it turned out. Dozens of patients, all with major complications. There was no chance of my being able to leave on time so I phoned Claire and explained that I couldn't make it. She was already there, waiting for me, and I could tell she was upset when I cancelled, but there was nothing I could do about it.'

He broke off, steeling himself to tell Molly the rest of the story. He had reached the real crux of his tale, the part that he found it the most difficult to voice. He took a steadying breath before he continued in a voice that was devoid of any emotion.

‘That was the last time I ever spoke to her. She left the bar a short time later and was hit by a taxi while she was crossing the road. She died instantly. One of the bar staff said at the inquest that she had been crying when she had left—and that was all down to me, Molly. If I hadn't been so curt with her then she would never have stepped in front of that cab.'

CHAPTER NINE

M
OLLY
HAD
NO
idea what to say. She was so stunned by what Sean had told her that her thoughts were in a complete turmoil. And then, slowly, one thought rose through all the confusion in her head: Sean wasn't to blame. It had been an accident, a tragic and terrible accident.

‘It wasn't your fault!' She got up from the sofa and went to kneel beside his chair. ‘It was an accident, Sean, awful, I know, but you can't blame yourself for what happened.'

‘No? So why does it feel like it's my fault?' He shook his head. ‘No, if I hadn't been so offhand with her then Claire would never have got so upset. She'd told me that she needed to speak to me urgently and I should have realised that it had to be something really important.'

‘Do you have any idea what she wanted to tell you?' Molly asked hesitantly then immediately wished that she hadn't when she saw how tormented he looked.

‘Oh, yes. It came out at the inquest.' He took a deep breath but she could hear the torment in his voice. ‘Claire was pregnant when she was killed—roughly eight weeks, according to the coroner. I had no idea but it makes no difference, does it? I'm not only responsible for Claire's death but for the death of our baby as well.'

Molly couldn't think of anything to say. The sheer horror of what he must have been through was simply too much to take in. And it was obvious that Sean had misinterpreted her silence. He laughed harshly as he stood up.

‘I can tell by your expression what you think, Molly, and I don't blame you. I mean, what kind of a man doesn't even suspect his fiancée is pregnant, especially when she's sending out all the right signals?'

‘Wh...what sort of signals?' she murmured, getting to her feet as well.

‘All the rows, of course. Claire was never the sort of person to start an argument—she was far too quiet. I should have realised that something was going on and made her tell me what it was, but I was too preoccupied with my job and with making a good impression.'

‘But that's ridiculous! You had no way of knowing that she was pregnant unless she chose to tell you. I mean, why did she wait so long? Surely it would have been far more in character for her to tell you the moment she suspected that she might be having a baby?'

‘She probably would have done if I hadn't been so completely wrapped up in my work.' He gave her a grim smile. ‘I was far too busy to find the time to sit down and talk to her.'

‘She must have been busy too,' Molly pointed out. ‘You said that you were both trying to make a go of your careers.'

‘Yes. But it doesn't negate what I did or, rather, what I didn't do. I wasn't there when Claire needed me and because of that she and the baby died.' His voice broke. ‘And I will have to live with that every day of my life.'

Molly acted instinctively then. Perhaps if she had been thinking clearly she wouldn't have done what she did but every instinct she possessed was urging her to comfort him. Reaching out, she drew him into her arms and held him, simply held him, hoping that he might take comfort from the closeness of another human being. She had never suspected that Sean—live-for-the-moment Sean—was carrying such a burden around with him, but somehow she had to make him understand that he wasn't to blame for what had happened.

If she could.

The thought that he might live out the rest of his days blaming himself for the tragedy brought a rush of tears to her eyes. Molly tried to hold them back but more kept on coming, pouring down her face in a relentless torrent. She realised all of a sudden that she wasn't crying only for him but for herself as well. Sean must have loved Claire so very much, far more than he could ever have loved her, and it was almost too painful to bear to know that she could never have matched the other woman in his affections.

‘Molly?' She felt him go still before he slowly set her away from him. Bending, he looked into her face. ‘You're crying.'

‘Take no notice.' She sniffed loudly, hunting in her pocket for a tissue and typically not finding one. She couldn't bear it if he guessed just how devastated she felt, couldn't add to his burden in any way. It wasn't Sean's fault that his heart belonged to another woman.

‘Here.' Sean plucked a tissue from the box on the coffee table but, instead of handing it to her, he tipped up her face and gently wiped away her tears. Tossing the soggy tissue into the waste bin, he smiled at her. ‘Better now?'

‘Yes. Thank you.' She went to move away but his hands fastened lightly around the top of her arms and held her fast.

‘I'm sorry, Molly. I never meant to upset you like this.'

‘I know. It's just that I can't bear to think of you blaming yourself when there's no need,' she said, deliberately blanking out any thoughts about how she felt. It was Sean who needed consoling, not her.

‘Isn't there?' He sighed as he drew her into his arms and held her against him. ‘I wish I could believe that.'

‘Then you must try harder,' she said fiercely. She pulled back and glared at him, determined to make him see sense. ‘It was an accident, Sean. A tragic accident, but you weren't to blame!'

‘Oh, Molly, I want to believe you. Really I do.'

He drew her to him once more, planting a gentle kiss on her cheek. It was meant to be no more than a token, a simple expression of gratitude for her support, and it might have remained that way too if she hadn't chosen that precise moment to turn her head. Molly froze when she felt his lips glide from her cheek and come to rest at the corner of her mouth. She knew that she should do something to stop what was happening, but it was as though her body was suddenly refusing to obey her. When his lips started to move again, but deliberately this time, she could only stand there, motionless.

His mouth found hers and she heard him sigh, felt the warm expulsion of his breath on her lips, and it was that which broke the spell. However, if she'd hoped that it would bring her to her senses she was mistaken. Her lips seemed to possess a will of their own as they clung to his, eagerly inviting him to continue. And he did.

Molly moaned when she felt the tip of his tongue start to explore the contours of her mouth. She could taste the richness of the chocolate he had drunk on his tongue and it merely heightened her desire for him. Opening her mouth, she allowed him all the licence he needed to deepen the kiss and he wasn't slow to take advantage. They were both breathing heavily when they broke apart, both shaken by the speed and the depth of their need for one another. They might not have planned on kissing but Molly knew that neither of them could deny that it had had a profound effect on them both.

‘I didn't mean for this to happen, Molly.'

‘I know.' She gave a little shrug then stilled when she felt desire scud through her once more as his hands slid from her shoulders and down her arms. It had always been this way, she thought sadly. Sean had only needed to touch her and her blood had raced. And the most terrifying realisation of all was that nothing had changed.

‘I never planned it either,' she said huskily, trying to damp down the fear that engulfed her. She didn't want to feel how she had felt two years ago, definitely didn't want to risk having her heart broken once more. Now, more than ever, she needed to be sensible—now that she knew about Claire. She had to nip these feelings in the bud before they could grow into something even bigger and far more dangerous.

‘I suppose we should put it down to the heat of the moment. Everything got a bit tense just now, didn't it?' His hands skimmed back up her arms and came to rest against her collarbone. Molly could feel the coolness of his fingers seeping into her heated flesh through the thickness of her woollen sweater and shivered.

‘It did.' She dredged up a smile. ‘My crying like that probably didn't help either. Sorry.'

‘Don't apologise. I was touched that you felt that way.' He returned her smile. ‘You always did have a tender heart, Molly.'

‘In other words, I was a soft touch,' she retorted, deliberately whipping up her anger in the hope that it would help set her back on track. ‘It's a good job I've decided to make some changes to how I behave. There will be no more wearing my heart on my sleeve in future, believe me!'

‘So today was a one-off, was it? You'll be hard-hearted Molly from now on?'

‘Yes!' Molly declared roundly when she heard the teasing note in his voice and realised that he didn't believe her. The last thing she wanted was for Sean to think she was a pushover. ‘I'm going to concentrate on what
I
want for a change.'

‘Then I'm glad that we had this conversation today.' He brushed his knuckles down her cheek. ‘I feel a lot better than I did, Molly, and it's all thanks to you.'

‘I'm glad,' she said huskily, so touched by the admission that her anger immediately melted away. ‘So does that mean you'll think about what I said, about you not being to blame? It was an accident, Sean, and it wasn't your fault.'

‘I'll try.'

Although he agreed readily enough, Molly had a feeling that it would never actually happen. Sean was determined to blame himself for the tragedy and it hurt to know that his life would be blighted for ever by it. Reaching up, she cupped his face between her hands.

‘Then you must try really hard!' Her voice caught. ‘I can't bear to think of you ruining your life this way.'

‘Oh, Molly!'

Turning, he pressed his mouth against her palm and she shuddered when she felt desire spike through her once more. When she felt the tip of his tongue start to stroke her skin, she moaned softly. It was almost too much to feel the light moist pressure of his tongue caressing her flesh. Closing her eyes, she gave herself up to the moment, blanking out any thoughts about the wisdom of what she was doing. She didn't want to think—she just wanted to feel.

The tip of his tongue moved from her palm to her wrist, lavishing it with the same attention. Molly had never realised before that her wrist could be an erogenous zone and closed her eyes, savouring the moment. Kisses were fine but this was different. This gentle act of seduction implied an intimacy that she had never expected. Maybe she was mistaken but she couldn't imagine that Sean had done this with many women.

The thought filled her with a sudden sense of peace. One of the hardest things to deal with had been the thought that she had been just one of many women in Sean's life. However, the gentle pressure of his tongue as it moved over the delicate inner skin of her wrist put paid to that; it made her feel special. Wanted. Cherished.

He raised his head and his eyes were so dark that they appeared almost black as he looked at her. ‘I know I shouldn't be doing this but I can't help myself,' he said hoarsely. ‘Tell me to stop, Molly, if it isn't what you want.'

Molly bit her lip, unsure of what she wanted. Oh, she didn't want him to stop—that was a given. But was it wise to let this go any further, to risk falling under his spell all over again? He had hurt her so badly and she didn't think that she could go back to that dark place again. But if she called a halt then would she regret it, always wish that she had taken the risk in the hope that it might bring her closure?

‘I don't know what I want, Sean. Part of me is terrified at the thought of feeling like I did two years ago. I can't go back there. I don't think I could bear it.'

‘Oh, sweetheart, don't! Please don't upset yourself because I behaved like such a crass idiot.' He tipped up her chin and kissed her lightly on the mouth. ‘I regret it more than I can ever tell you, Molly.'

‘Do you?' she whispered, her blood humming inside her veins at the feel of his lips on hers.

‘Yes. I hurt you and I never meant to do that. It's just that I found it so hard to do what was right.' He brushed her mouth with another sensual kiss. ‘I knew I should end our relationship but I kept putting it off, and there's no excuse for that.'

‘Why did you keep putting it off?' she asked, her breath coming in rapid little spurts so that it sounded as though she was having difficulty breathing, which she was. Being held in Sean's arms like this, having him kiss her, was making her feel breathless...
As well as a lot of other things.

Sean knew that he shouldn't answer that question. Admitting that he had delayed ending their relationship because he couldn't bear to part with her wouldn't help either of them. It was all in the past and it should remain in the past too. And yet some tiny part of his brain was insisting that he told Molly the truth, that he should hold up his hands and confess why he'd had such problems letting her go. Surely he owed her that much at the very least?

‘Because I hated the thought of being without you.' He rested his forehead against hers, not wanting to look into her eyes in case he weakened. ‘That time we spent together was one of the happiest times of my life and I wanted it to continue, even though I knew it couldn't.'

‘Because of Claire?'

He heard the catch in her voice and hated to think that he might be causing her yet more pain. But it was two years since they'd parted: she'd had two years to get over him. The thought helped to steady him even if it didn't come as the relief it should have been.

‘Yes. I made a vow after Claire died that I would remain true to her memory and I can't break it, Molly, not for any reason or anyone.'

‘I understand, Sean. Really I do.'

She stepped back, deliberately setting some distance between them, and Sean had to stop himself hauling her back into his arms and telling her that he had changed his mind. He felt bereft without her in his arms, empty, incomplete. It took every atom of willpower he could muster not to say too much but he mustn't mislead her. After the heat of the moment had passed then he would regret breaking his vow...