Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (59 page)

(Ex tempore speech given by General Potter to the Chaos Legion, immediately before their first battle, on November 3rd, 1991, at 2:56pm:)

My troops, I’m not going to lie to you, our situation today is very grim. Dragon Army has never lost a single battle. And Hermione Granger… has a very good memory. The truth is, most of you are probably going to die. And the survivors will envy the dead. But we have to win this. We have to win this so that someday, our children can enjoy the taste of chocolate again. Everything is at stake here. Literally everything. If we lose, the whole universe just blinks out like a light bulb. And now I realize that most of you don’t know what a light bulb is. Well, take it from me, it’s bad. But if we have to go down, let’s go down fighting, like heroes, so that as the darkness closes in, we can think to ourselves,
at least we had fun.
Are you afraid to die? I know I am. I can feel those cold shivers of fear like someone is pumping ice cream into my shirt. But I know… that history is watching us. It was watching us when we changed into our uniforms. It was probably taking pictures. And history, my troops, is written by the victors. If we win this, we can write our own history. A history in which Hogwarts was founded by four renegade house elves. We can make everyone study that history, even though it isn’t true, and if they don’t answer the right way on our tests… they’ll fail the class. Isn’t that worth dying for? No, don’t answer that. Some things are better left unknown. None of us know why we’re here. None of us know why we’re fighting. We just woke up in these uniforms in this mysterious forest, knowing only that there was no way to get our names and memories back except victory. The students in those other armies out there… they’re just like us. They don’t want to die. They’re fighting to protect each other, the only friends they have left. They’re fighting because they know they have families who’ll miss them, even if they can’t remember now. They may even be fighting to save the world. But we have a better reason to fight than they do. We fight because we like it. We fight to amuse eldritch monstrosities from beyond Space and Time. We fight because we’re Chaos. Soon the final battle will begin, so let me say now, because I won’t get a chance later, that it was an honor to be your commander, however briefly. Thank you, thank you all. And remember, your goal isn’t just to cut down the enemy, it’s to make them afraid.

A great booming gong echoed over the forest.

And the Sunshine Regiment began to march.

The tension rose and rose, as Harry and the nineteen other soldiers who remained waited for the aerial warriors to report back. It shouldn’t take long, broomsticks were fast and the distances in the forest were not great -

Two broomsticks approached, at speed, from the direction of Draco’s camp, and all the soldiers tensed. They weren’t executing the maneuvers that were today’s code for a
friendly
broomstick.

“
Scatter and fire!
” roared General Potter, and then suited action to words, scurrying off at top speed toward the forest cover; and then as soon as Harry was among the trees, he spun back, raised his wand, tried to seek out the broomstick in the sky -

“Clear!” shouted a voice. “They’re heading back!”

Harry gave a mental shrug. There’d been no way to prevent Draco from obtaining that information, and he’d only learn that they’d been standing still.

And the Chaotics slowly emerged from the forest -

“Broomstick approaching from Granger’s direction!” yelled another voice. “I think it’s Green Leader, he did the dip and roll!”

Moments later Theodore Nott dived out of the sky and pulled up in the midst of the soldiers.

“Granger has divided her forces in two!” yelled Nott as he hovered on his broomstick. There was sweat staining his uniform, and all the reserve was gone from his voice. “She’s attacking both armies! Two brooms covering each force, they pursued me halfway here!”

Divided her army, what on Earth -

A large force concentrating fire on a small force could deplete that force rapidly without taking much damage in return. If twenty soldiers faced ten soldiers, twenty sleep spells would be aimed at the ten soldiers with only ten sleep spells going the other way, so unless every one of those first sleep spells hit its target, the smaller force would lose more people than they could manage to take down with them.
Defeated in detail
was the military term for what happened when you divided your forces like that. What could Hermione
possibly
be thinking…

Then Harry realized.

She’s being fair.

It was going to be a long year in Defense class.

“All right,” Harry said loudly, so the army could hear. “We’ll wait until the Red Wing reports in, and then we’ll go cloud up some Sunshine.”

Draco listened to the flyers’ reports with his face calm, all his shock concealed inside. What could Granger
possibly
be thinking?

Then Draco realized.

It’s a feint.

One of Sunshine’s two forces would change direction, and both would converge on… who?

Neville Longbottom marched through the forest toward the approaching Sunny force, occasionally glancing up at the sky for broomsticks. Beside him marched his squad comrades, Melvin Coote and Lavender Brown of Gryffindor, and Allen Flint of Slytherin. Allen Flint was their Squad Suggester, though Harry had first said to Neville, in private, that the position was his if he wanted it.

Harry had said quite a lot of things to Neville in private, starting with “You know, Neville, if you want to become as awesome as the imaginary Neville who lives in your head but isn’t allowed to do anything because you’re scared, then you really should sign up for Professor Quirrell’s armies.”

Neville was now
sure
the Boy-Who-Lived could read minds. There was just no other way Harry Potter could’ve known. Neville had never talked about that with
anyone
, or given any sign; and
other
people weren’t like that, not that Neville had ever noticed.

And Harry’s promise had come true, this
did
feel different from sparring in Defense class. Neville had hoped that sparring would fix everything that was wrong with him, and, well, it hadn’t. Even if he could fire a few spells at another student in class with Professor Quirrell watching to make sure nothing went wrong, even if he could dodge and fire back when it was
allowed
and everyone else was
expecting
it and they would stare at him funny if he
didn’t
do it, none of that was the same as being able to stand up for himself.

But being part of an
army…

Something strange was stirring inside Neville, as he marched through the forest alongside his comrades, upon their uniforms an insignia of fingers poised to snap.

He was allowed to walk if he wanted to, but he just felt like marching.

Beside him, Melvin and Lavender and Allen all seemed to feel like marching too.

And Neville softly began to sing the Song of Chaos.

The tune was what a Muggle would have identified as John Williams’s Imperial March, also known as “Darth Vader’s Theme”; and the words Harry had added were easy to remember.

Doom doom doom
Doom doom doom doom doom doom
Doom doom doom
Doom doom doom doom doom doom
DOOM doom DOOM
Doom doom doom-doom-doom doom doom
Doom doom-doom-doom doom doom
Doom doom doom, doom doom doom.

By the second line the others had joined in, and soon you could hear the same soft chant coming from nearby parts of the forest.

And Neville marched alongside his fellow Chaos Legionnaires,
strange feelings stirring in his heart,
imagination becoming reality,
as from his lips poured a fearful song of doom.

Harry stared at the bodies scattered across the forest. Something inside him felt a bit queasy, and he had to remind himself hard that they were only sleeping. There were girls among the fallen, and that made it a lot worse somehow, and he would have to be careful never to mention that in front of Hermione or the Aurors would find his remains stuffed into a
small
teapot.

Half of Sunshine army hadn’t put up much of a fight against all of Chaos. The nine ground soldiers had run in screaming inarticulately with Simple Shields raised, circular screens to protect their faces and chests. But you couldn’t fire and hold the shield at the same time, and Harry’s soldiers had simply aimed for the legs. All but one of the Sunnies had fallen over as soon as the cries of “
Somnium!
” filled the air. That last one had dropped her shield and managed to take out one of Harry’s soldiers before being hit by the second wave of sleep spells (the Sleep Hex was safe for multiple hits). The two Sunny broomsticks had been much harder to take down and had accounted for three Chaotics before being auraed by massed ground fire.

Hermione wasn’t among the fallen. Draco must have gotten her and that was making Harry feel
angry
on some completely incomprehensible level, he wasn’t sure if he was feeling protective toward Hermione, or cheated that he hadn’t been the one to do it, or maybe
both.

“All right,” Harry said, raising his voice. “Let’s everyone be clear on one thing, that wasn’t a real fight. That was General Granger making a mistake in her first battle. Today’s actual fight is with Dragon Army and it’s not going to be anything like this. It’s going to be a lot more fun. Let’s move out.”

A broomstick fell out of the sky, approaching terrifyingly fast, and spun on its end and decelerated so hard you could almost hear the air screaming in protest, and came to a halt directly beside Draco.

It wasn’t dangerous showing-off. Gregory Goyle simply
was
that good and he didn’t waste time.

“Potter’s coming,” Gregory said with no trace of his usual fake drawl. “They’ve still got all four of their brooms, you want me to take them out?”

“No,” Draco said sharply. “Fighting over their army gives them too much of an advantage, they’ll fire on you from the ground and even you might not be able to dodge it all. Wait until the forces engage.”

Draco had lost four Dragons in exchange for twelve Sunnies. Apparently General Granger actually
had
been that incredibly stupid, though she hadn’t been among the attackers, so Draco hadn’t gotten a chance to taunt her or ask her what in Merlin’s name she had been thinking.

The true battle, they all knew, would be with Harry Potter.

“Prepare yourselves!” roared Draco at his troops. “Stay together with your mates, act as a unit, fire as soon as the enemy is in range!”

Discipline against Chaos.

It shouldn’t be much of a fight.

The adrenaline was pumping and pumping into Neville’s blood until he felt like he could hardly breathe.

“We’re closing in,” said General Potter in a voice barely loud enough to carry to the whole army. “Time to spread out.”

Neville’s comrades moved away from him. They would still support each other, but if you clustered together, the enemy would have a much easier time hitting you; fire aimed at one of your comrades might miss and get you instead. You would be a lot harder to hit if you spread out and moved as fast as you could.

The first thing General Potter had done, during their training session, was get them to fire on each other when both sides were running fast, or both stood still and took time to aim, or one was moving and one was standing still - the reverse charm to the Sleep Hex was simple, though you weren’t allowed to use it during real battles. General Potter had carefully recorded everything that happened, done some figuring and ciphering, and then announced that it made more sense for them to focus, not on slowing down to aim carefully, but on moving fast so they wouldn’t get hit.

It still bothered Neville a little not to be marching side-by-side with his comrades, but the scary battlecries they’d learned were already thundering in his head and that made up for a lot.

This time, Neville silently vowed to himself, his voice was absolutely positively not going to squeak.

“Shields up,” said General Potter, “power to forward deflectors.”

“
Contego,
” murmured the army, and the circular screens sprang into existence before their heads and chests.

A sharp taste filled Neville’s mouth. General Potter wouldn’t have ordered them to cast shields unless they were almost in range. Neville could see the uniformed shapes of Dragons moving through the dense screens of trees, and the Dragons would be seeing them as well -

“
Attack!
” came a cry from the distance, the voice of Draco Malfoy, and General Potter bellowed, ”
Charge -
”

All the adrenaline in Neville’s blood was unleashed, and his legs took over, sending him flying faster than he’d ever run before, straight toward the enemy, knowing without needing to look that all his comrades were doing the same.

“
Blood for the blood god!
” screamed Neville. ”
Skulls for the skull throne! Ia! Shub-Niggurath! The enemy’s gate is sideways!
”

There was a soundless impact as a sleep spell wasted itself against Neville’s shield. If there’d been other spells fired, they hadn’t hit.

Neville saw the brief look of fear on Wayne Hopkins’s face, as he stood besides two Gryffindors Neville didn’t recognize, and then -

- Neville dropped the Simple Shield and fired at Wayne -

- missed -

- his racing legs went
straight
past the enemy grouping and toward another three Dragons, their wands coming up on him, their mouths opening -

- not even thinking about it, Neville dived down to the forest floor just as three voices cried “
Somnium!
”

It hurt, hard stones and hard twigs digging into Neville as he rolled, it wasn’t as bad as falling off his broomstick but he’d still hit the ground pretty hard, and then Neville, with sudden insight, lay still and closed his eyes.

“Stop that!” screamed a voice. “Don’t shoot us, we’re Dragons!”

With a flash of glorious satisfaction, Neville realized that he’d managed to get between two groups of Dragons just as one group had fired on him. Harry had talked about this as a tactic for making the enemy afraid to fire, but apparently it worked a bit better than that.